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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think 10 pounds isn't enough

37 replies

Montaza · 02/10/2015 12:21

to raise an 8 month old? As my ex seems to think so! He's never paid a penny for my 8 month old son but said he would send me money the day after his birthday as he was getting some money. Two days after I asked where it was as he was supposed to transfer it to me. He replied with "I only got 30 so just wait until Monday". Monday came and I received another message "That's all I can afford". I checked my account and 10 had been transferred!

He's never seen my son, I've said he's welcome to and asked if he would like any pictures of him but he said no. I don't think his friends and family even know he has a son to be honest. We were together almost two years but he moved back in with his mum 140 miles away after I told him I was pregnant. He blocked my number for about 7 months too. He works minimal hours as he doesn't have any outgoings.

Aibu to think 10 pounds is nowhere enough after 8 months and is actually an insulting amount?

OP posts:

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 02/10/2015 12:24

yes it is an insult.
Why not just cut contact completely?

Original poster

Montaza · 02/10/2015 12:27

I know I should and rarely speak to him. I just wanted to do right by my son and was really struggling for money as I can't start my job until my dbs check is back.

OP posts:

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 02/10/2015 14:47

What do csa say? Excuse my ignorance as to whether the minimal hours means they won't get involved. I would cut contact too but understand you want to do your best by your son.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 02/10/2015 14:48

Obviously yanbu though.

Original poster

Montaza · 02/10/2015 14:51

Nothing as the work he does do is cash in hand so it can't be proven and he won't claim benefits to ensure I don't receive anything. I've only contacted him 3 times in the 8 months. I was considering sending him a quick yearly update but may not now

OP posts:

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 02/10/2015 16:38

It's not enough but as you are not working either at the moment you are both as bad as each other in the interest of being fair.

Both should be supporting the child.

Original poster

Montaza · 02/10/2015 16:47

I think that's unfair since he's only 8 months old and I already have a new job but I can't start until my dbs comes back as it would be illegal. I have been supporting him from what I saved from my previous job and the job I am starting is 30k a year. Sorry to drip feed but the point of the post was lack of support from him not my employment status. I have not had to rely on benefits and I provide a loving home, food, clothing, nappies etc for my son. He has not even met him. So I am and have supported my child on my own without government help from day one thanks.

OP posts:

glenthebattleostrich · 02/10/2015 16:59

Sod off cookie, the OP is allowed a maternity leave. And being on benefits for a short while is the same as abandoning your child, not giving a shit if they have enough of the basics?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/10/2015 17:03

It's not enough but as you are not working either at the moment you are both as bad as each other in the interest of being fair

Both should be supporting the child

Massive assumption you made there. What exactly was the point of getting that dig in anyway?

Hamiltoes · 02/10/2015 17:04

The OP didn't even say she was on benefits, how insulting to assume she isn't currently supporting her child.

I'd give HMRC a call and report him for not paying tax. Hopefully he may then be forced to claim or to get a real job, and you can involve the CSA.

It's definitely not enough.

Lulu1083 · 02/10/2015 17:06

Cookie that is in no way the same. Everything the OP has she shares with her son. Everything his feckless father gets (bar the oh so generous tenner) goes on himself.

Not equal at all!

Original poster

Montaza · 02/10/2015 17:09

Thanks everyone. I will do that Hamiltoes thanks (great name btw!)
I just can't get my head around people not wanting to see their kids. I could maybe forgive the money if he actually saw my son regularly but he's not once even asked if he's ok! It just baffles me!

OP posts:

Osolea · 02/10/2015 17:10

Of course it isn't enough, but if he didn't want you to continue with your pregnancy and left as soon as he found out about it, then you can't be surprised that he doesn't want to know.

Assuming you told him you were pregnant when you could still have had a termination had you chosen to, then I think you have to accept that you chose to raise this child alone.

Margaritte · 02/10/2015 17:19

OsoleaI disagree. Both the OP and her sons father had are responsible. I dont think he should not pay for his child, because OP chose not to have a termination. He needs to grow up, and start supporting his child.

sliceofsoup · 02/10/2015 17:21

Ignore Cookie. She has to benefit bash at any given opportunity, its like an annoying tick.

He can't work minimal hours and not claim benefits forever, so definitely call CSA.

I think its probably for the best that he has zero to do with your son tbh, a flaky and unreliable father who raises hopes only to crush them is probably worse than an absent one. But he absolutely must pay to support him.

Its sad for his family though, if he hasn't told them and they are missing out on a grandson they don't even know about.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/10/2015 17:22

when you could still have had a termination had you chosen to, then I think you have to accept that you chose to raise this child alone

Taking responsibility for your sexual actions does not quite work like that.

Osolea · 02/10/2015 17:24

Fair enough margaritte, I know my opinion on this isn't popular. But in my mind, if a woman has the right to absolve herself of any parental or financial responsibility when she finds out she's pregnant, then a man should should have the same. That would be equality. But people only want equality when it benefits women.

sliceofsoup · 02/10/2015 17:29

It is a fact of nature that it is a woman's body that carries the child, and therefore it comes down to the woman's choice whether to keep the baby or not. That isn't a lack of equality, it is a fact of life.

If a man feels very strongly about not having a child then he needs to take responsibility before the child is conceived. If that means not having sex, then so be it.

Maroonie · 02/10/2015 17:34

Agree he should be paying, going through CSA sounds like your only option.
Got to say though it sounds like some people are saying cut contact if he doesn't give enough- children aren't pay per view.

Original poster

Montaza · 02/10/2015 17:35

Osolea I see your point. Initially he said he wanted to be involved and stay in the relationship - that lasted for about 2 weeks until he moved! And I personally couldn't live with myself after a termination, I am pro choice it just isn't for me having had a miscarriage in the past.
Sliceofsoup you are right, it's probably best. I also feel bad for his family. My son has a grandma and step-grandad, auntie uncle and 3 cousins on his side whom he'll never meet. My ex always blames everything on his own father abandoning him. When I told him I thought he may want to be involved due to this he cut contact telling me I was psycho and using his past against him

OP posts:

Original poster

Montaza · 02/10/2015 17:38

Maroonie - that's exactly why I've always left the door open should he want to meet his son

OP posts:

icanteven · 02/10/2015 17:39

when you could still have had a termination had you chosen to, then I think you have to accept that you chose to raise this child alone

So he would have fulfilled his obligations by telling her to have an abortion, and is therefore exonerated of his responsibility?

missymayhemsmum · 02/10/2015 17:44

He is obviously an immature dickhead and not much loss to your son or you, frankly. What's your relationship with his parents/ siblings? They are obviously your baby's grandparents/ aunts/ uncles and may be able to exert some pressure on him to do the right thing. As well as of course having a relationship with your son in their own right. Nothing to stop you dropping his mum a card and letting her know that even though your ex has chosen to have no contact, she is still welcome to be a proper granny
(I started getting maintenance when DexH's big sis sat him down and shamed him into it).

popandboo · 02/10/2015 17:46

Wondering if cookiemonster will apologise?

He sounds like a crap dad - in fact, not even a dad. You are supporting and caring for your child single handedly. You are also hopeful that he might form a relationship with your child rather than being bitter about things.

£10 is ridiculous. He should be ashamed.

Original poster

Montaza · 02/10/2015 17:48

I don't have a relationship with them. I've never met them as we lived far away at uni and we weren't really serious. I don't have an address or anything for them although I know the town and her name so could find out. A card is a really good idea thanks!

OP posts:

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