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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 20 months is old enough to understand the word no?

31 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 11:21

MIL doesn't think it is. She says "He has to be taught at the right time....he's just a baby!" about nephew's penchant for carrying all manner of dangerous tools around.

He will pick up a screwdriver for eg and walk off. MIL then hurries after him asking for it back.

Hmm

And shadowing him in case he falls on it.

I and DH said "Just take it!" and she says no. He will "give it back in his own time when he's ready."

Wtf?

She does this when he has saws, sharp tools, cutlery....my DD's belongings, MILS phone....my DC don't want to be around him anymore because nobody can say "no" to him.

SIL works so MIL looks after him a lot...and if we visit, he's always there!

OP posts:
PosterEh · 02/10/2015 11:26

He Shouldn't be allowed to pick things like screwdrivers up in the first place. But I would remove something dangerous immediately.

She's right, he is a baby (and I'm not sure they really understand very much at that age) BUT that's exactly why she shouldn't be negotiating with him or letting him decide. He doesn't understand that it's dangerous.

WorraLiberty · 02/10/2015 11:27

She sounds bonkers

Some people really do act as though they're scared of the children they're looking after.

Spartans · 02/10/2015 11:28

It's old enough to understand. However it's also young enough to not give a shit.

Of course dangerous things should be removed. However could mil be scared of upsetting your bil and sil. Is this aversion to 'no' influenced by them?

PennyHasNoSurname · 02/10/2015 11:28

Its not the way I would do it, and I certainly wouldnt be happy if my little one of that age was able to have free rein with screwdrivers etc, but you cant tell other people how to manage other peoples kids.

Is SIL ok with it? Either she is, she isnt (but accepts she is getting free childcare), or doesnt know.

If you take toys for your dc to play with and Nephew takes them off your child then step in and take them back - "you can havethat when dc is finished with it".

The rest is their bag. Good luck to them in the future with him is all Id say!

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 11:29

Right thank you Poster I agree that he won't have any idea about what could happen.....it seems shocking to let him get on with it whilst she chases him about. She won't ever just take something from him....he shouldn't have access anyway but she has him in her gardening shed with her "Helping" which means he just grabs things.

SIL is just as bad frankly

OP posts:
InimitableJeeves · 02/10/2015 11:29

Hang on, how on earth does he have access to saws and sharp tools? Surely anyone with any sense puts things like that well out of the reach of a toddler? Is she actually safe to look after him if she hasn't got the sense to do that?

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 11:30

Penny I have JUST begun to say "X you can just take it if you want it back but say thank you and be gentle"

Much to the chagrin of MIL who seems to think DN is never to be crossed!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 11:31

Jeeves he is allowed in the shed with MIL when she's gardening which is all day pretty much.

SHe is fit and well...mentally astute....just an absolute sucker.

OP posts:
InimitableJeeves · 02/10/2015 11:31

Also - how does shadowing your nephew in case he falls on the screwdriver help? Surely if he falls on it the damage is done? Or does she just hope she'll catch him before he stabs himself?

JapaneseSlipper · 02/10/2015 11:32

Actually I think your MIL has a pretty progressive attitude. Most people on here have the exact opposite problem - parents in law who have that outdated "protect the child" way of thinking.

You say he's old enough to understand the word no. Is he not also old enough to start feeling his way around the world and the objects in it? A screwdriver is not inherently dangerous (in the way that, say, a sharp knife or a boiling kettle are). Yes, it can cause injury, but if he's just carrying it about and - crucially - someone is there to spot him, personally I think it's a good thing. (I take your point about saws though, there is no need for objects like that to be in the same space as a child.)

Children are people too. I try to avoid mindlessly snatching things off them, because a) I wouldn't like someone taking things off me all the time, and b) children shouldn't be taught that it's ok to snatch from others. Same with th word "no" being issued constantly. Eventually, he will start saying it back just as often as it is said to him.

SaucyJack · 02/10/2015 11:32

Does he chuck a benny if she takes something away?

Agree with Worra that it sounds as though she is scared of/can't be bothered with the reaction he gives when something is taken off of him.

InimitableJeeves · 02/10/2015 11:32

Seriously? How does someone "mentally astute" think it's OK for a 20 month old to have access to saws? Shock

PennyHasNoSurname · 02/10/2015 11:32

Yeah id scale back the visits. Or ask them over to yours where (1) you know its safe (2) more acceptable for you to manage him (3) loads of toys to play with (4) your kids can go to their rooms to escape

AbeSaidYes · 02/10/2015 11:35

how likely is it for a 20 month old to stab themselves with a screw driver? and if he does then surely he will learn not to do it again.

Knives and saws, yes, might be an idea to keep them away but a screw driver while supervised is ok surely.

As for toys and stuff - barking 'no' at a 2 year old every time he shows an interest in a toy is going to get tiring isn't it? maybe you could pre-select some toys your daughter doesn't mind sharing before you see him and then let him get on with it?

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 11:35

I run around the bloody house putting things out of his reach! MIL is progressive but she's also a bit blind. Like letting him take things from my DC ...my 7 year old is very giving but at 7 she's still a bit small and doesn't always want for eg her special teddy to be dragged around with a snotty toddler.

MIL will encourage DD to "share" and I've just today begun to draw a small line whereby my DD can get her things back if she wants them....I've only just realised how it was all happening really....DD being expected to "give" too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 11:36

Abe who mentioned "Barking" Not me. DD will share everything with him...but some things are too delicate for a toddler...however MIL expects him to be allowed to hold anything he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/10/2015 11:37

Also not sure I agree about a screwdriver being suitable for a 20 month old to walk around with! Have you seen how sharp the flat ones are?

OP posts:
Whatevva · 02/10/2015 11:39

You just say 'here!, have this' in a bright and cheery manner, and give them the trowel or something brightly coloured like gardening gloves and then take the screwdriver off them quickly, whilst they are distracted, and give them a bucket or something to do with the trowel and then it is all forgotten.

Then you hide the screw drivers and saws etc out of reach and have a set of 20mthold friendly tools that they can use whilst you do your stuff, then you don't have this problem.

Life is too short for running around after them and saying no all the time too.

summerainbow · 02/10/2015 12:29

If your child does it want her cousin to take her toy s she should one not take it round grandmas.

Spartans · 02/10/2015 13:11

summer what an odd thing to say.

Op if your sil is as bad (I assume you mean the mother of dn) then I can understand a bit more. If they are the type that don't say no, they may also expressed that to her and she feels she must look after him the way they say. My mum has done bonkers things because that's how dbro says he wants it done. She doesn't like doing but doesn't say. She feels she ahould do as dbro asks.

polkadotdelight · 02/10/2015 13:17

My 12 month old understands no, 'excuse me' also stops him from what he is doing. Generally our house is pretty baby proofed so I don't need to be telling him but there are times, such as when he is chasing the cat that he needs to be told.

polkadotdelight · 02/10/2015 13:18

As whatevve says too, distraction also is worth its weight in gold.

abbieanders · 02/10/2015 13:21

So, if I get you, OP, parent and caregiver are on the same page.

You, who are neither, don't.

Well that's ok, isn't it?

Theycallmemellowjello · 02/10/2015 13:22

I don't fully practice it myself but I agree with the attitude that children should be given a bit of freedom to explore the world. MIL is correct that the DC will have no way of understanding why someone is saying no - it will be experienced as arbitrary. Presumably MIL has raised children without major disaster before.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 02/10/2015 13:30

You have to take dangerous things away at that age, I think. Obviously try to keep them out of sight and reach if possible, but I know that sometimes things slip through the net, and toddlers can be ingenious at getting things. I know sometimes it's difficult to take things as they cling on for dear life, and I worry that pulling something away with actually cause the injury I'm trying to prevent, but you just have to do it carefully.

Distraction is good plan, of course.

I don't think they understand "no" in the same way as an older child. They might understand the meaning of the word, but not always the reasons why they need to listen to you. You can't really give an explanation so they don't quite get it. Therefore, taking it away and distraction certainly have to accompany any "no" response, as there is no guarantee they will give up the object of their desire on hearing the word.

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