To miss my daughter's boyfriend

[Doraydiego]

My daughter recently ended things with her boyfriend. I understand why, they are at different universities and she does not want a long distance relationship. I think he misses her a lot, which makes me feel so sad. I am so very fond of him, he was so good for her. She had a very bad relationship before him and he taught her to truly value herself and how to be in a healthy happy relationship. She says they are still friends, but I don't know if he will ever be coming here again. Is it normal to feel so bereft? She seems over it already, but I feel quite tearful and am worrying that he is ok.

Once is enough. I had an abusive x and the next man was very kind and a really decent guy. But part of what I learnt when I was with the decent guy was that if it's not right, I still had the right to end it, even though he was nice!!!!! I was no more obliged to stay with the really decent man than I had been obliged to stay with the abusive one. And that in itself was a really steep learning curve in the right direction for me.

YANBU. I miss my ex MIL. She was like a mother to me. My relationship/marriage to her son ended badly. I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I knew her for 20 years.

Please stay out of it OP. My mum texted one of my exes during our prolonged break up to say she was sorry and hoped I was treating him nicely
Never really forgiven her, it feels like a huge breach of trust. Pour your love and sympathies into your dd. She should be your priority

MrsC I have to be honest and say I think that you're totally out of order. Of course you can stay in touch with whomever you like but if my mum did this I would be so so hurt. You are potentially really damaging your relationship with your DD for someone who really should be of relatively little importance to you now they've split up and you have no reason to keep in touch.

Jessica, I have never ever been anything but upfront with my DD about her exbf messaging. This is not every day I have to say, I just think he saw me as a stable mother figure...different to his chaotic life (I don't blame his Mum, for various reasons, her life is very tough). DD was worried that I was encouraging a reconciliation, I absolutely have never done that and it would be wrong at their age, they have their whole lives ahead of them (and I have made it very clear to him that that is not a possibility). I just have a "feeling" that it is right to leave the door open for this young man but certainly never at the expense of my DD. As I said, I will tell her if he's messaged and let her see my response. I would never betray my child. I take on board what you say. I have a lovely relationship with my DD. I just feel that it is not wrong of me to be kind to a young man who sends the odd message...is it?

God I feel really shit about this now...my intentions were out of kindness and concern for a young man with a fairly unstable life. I am now wondering if I should shut that door entirely. DD's attitude has always been "urgh Mum, just ignore him"...but she can be quite hard hearted and will sooner cut you dead if you cross her. She doesn't get that from me!!

As I hadn't read the whole thread..and now have, I can see that it's upsetting for those whose family members have chosen to stay in touch with those they would rather not...I honestly hadn't thought of it that way at all. Will speak to DD about this in the morning.

Need to stop encouraging waifs and strays

Aaww, YANBU and I think all the advice is a bit uncalled for. All you said was you feel sad and miss him.

I recently found out I'll never be a grandma and was surprised how sad I feel. But I'm not out kidnapping babies or anything.

You know what, I'm quite new to this site and it's been a real eye-opener for me. People are mental.

Please don't text or email him. When my ex got married his mum cried her eyes out after the wedding because "he's gone and married the wrong one" but he never knew this (his sister saw it happen and told me). It would have been awful for him to have known, and even worse if his then wife had found out how she felt. Even more pertinently, however, if she had kept in touch with me I'd have found it even more difficult to move on myself. Like her, i thought at the time we were made for each other and i needed a lot of time to get over it. Her staying in touch would have given me false hopes and wouldn't have helped in the slightest.

It's normal I think to be sad and miss them. After all it's a loss, you'd be expected to be sad if they died wouldn't you?

Many relationships rekindle as well.

MrsC I do understand where you're coming from. You and your DD actually remind me of me and my own DM - she is similarly kind hearted whereas I am far more willing to cut people off which is not always a good thing! If your DD is fine with the odd message to her ex then no harm done.

Sorry if I made you feel like shit

My DH's father and stepmother befriended his ex. It was very weird. After FIL died it came out that they'd done all sorts of stuff together as a family (FIL and SMIL had 2 younger daughters) including going on holiday together, and I think FIL felt uncomfortable about it, as after he died SMIL and ex girlfriend were openly best friends, going on holiday and nights out and posting all over facebook.

It was really hurtful to DH; he ended the relationship because she was a complete nightmare, and she ended up being totally supported over him by his family. When we met (a year after they split up) it was all about how she would cope with him moving on and his feelings were never considered. He was a gentleman and never told his family what an utter nightmare she was and how hurt he was, because he felt she had no-one else, but ultimately it's ended up driving a wedge between him and his family. They all (conveniently) believe it's me who is against her, but I just see how much hurt she's caused him by them constantly putting her before him.

In my family, family ALWAYS comes first when a relationship ends. Ok to miss ex's, ok to send Christmas cards, but putting the ex above the family member is not ok.

Move on op and put your daughter's feelings first. She ended the relationship for a reason - respect it and support her. x

Yanbu. I miss my dbrother's ex-girlfriend. They were together for 5 years and she is absolutely lovely. I stay in contact with her, infact I get on way better with her than I do with him. But it is a bit of a secret!

DO NOT get attached! My mum loooooooves my ex and I bloody hate her for it. She constantly compsres between him and the father of my child

MrsC
You sound like a lovely caring lady. Wish there were more kind people like you around.

A bit upset is normal. 'Bereft' - not normal.

Gosh thanks Jessica and Flat...I was really doubting myself there. Have not spoken to DD as planned as she was a cow today . I have thought a lot about this though and will find a way to address it without hurting or upsetting anybody. I need to woman up! I very much appreciate the kind words from you both

i missed my sons ex fiancee.....still do sometimes if im honest (she didnt treat him very well at the end so never saw her again after she left)....but things came out about her afterwards that shocked me, so really i dont think i knew her as well as i thought i did (6 years)....he is with a lovely girl now who i think the world of....im the sort of person who gets attached to people, dont know where this girl is now or what shes doing and im glad really....ive moved on and you will too one day

I love these forums often i have a situation at home and i look at Mumsnet and i find the answer i am looking for. My youngest daughter has had two boyfriends, yes she has had dates but two boyfriends. The first boy was sweet she went out with him from about 16and a half to just before she was 18. When they split up i was sad but she was off to Uni and had the course of her dreams to look forward to. I respected her decision and let her get on with it. Off to Uni she went and she met a lad who had everything, nice car, good job, lovely family, played football, good balanced life. Honestly my husband and me thought we had hit the jackpot. I loved him like a son, but a year into the relationship he cheated on my daughter and she was absolutly heartbroken. It was awful to watch. I tried so hard not to get involved but its hard when you are all in the same house. I kept my distance and was there if she needed it. She stayed with him and because we all liked him i am ashamed to say i was secretly pleased. The next 11 months were to say the least hard at the worst traumatic. It was full of arguments and difficult days the more he pulled back the more she pulled forward. She broke up with him in February last year and this year she has dated some lads and had fun. Recently she has met a boy and really likes him...SO here is the problem. I simply just cant warm to him at all i have really, really tried i just don't know what it is.

So now i have to learn to keep out. I find myself in my car driving home talking to myself to stay out of it.

This is my question to you all. Do I tell her how i feel or do i stay out of it? I have always been honest with my daughters and they i know respect this. Please can you all take some time out and tell me what i should do.
Thank you for reading my post and i really look foward to hearing your replies.
Thank you

I would most certainly keep out of it. Her relationships are her decision. She was obviously hurt by the last boyfriend and doesn't need you telling her you prefer him to thsi one.

All the things you mention about him are material things. At the end of the day he didnt treat your daughter right

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I'll report my comment too..duh