To miss my daughter's boyfriend

[Doraydiego]

My daughter recently ended things with her boyfriend. I understand why, they are at different universities and she does not want a long distance relationship. I think he misses her a lot, which makes me feel so sad. I am so very fond of him, he was so good for her. She had a very bad relationship before him and he taught her to truly value herself and how to be in a healthy happy relationship. She says they are still friends, but I don't know if he will ever be coming here again. Is it normal to feel so bereft? She seems over it already, but I feel quite tearful and am worrying that he is ok.

Tread carefully. Try not to let your daughter see how upset you are. This was probably a very hard decision for her. My mum was very fond of one of my boyfriends even though he was TOTALLY unsuitable (borderline drug/alcohol problems) and she ripped me apart when we finally spilt. She has never liked any of my boyfriends since.

Stay out of it. You can't let yourself get attached when they are this young. 28, yes. But 18, 19, 20, chances are they won't make it.

Stay out of it.

I ended a 7 year relationship with a bloke my parents were very fond of. It was very hard and a terrible time for me. My mother cried and said "but what about me?". It caused a huge rift between us for a while.

My father actually remained in contact with my sister ex boyfriend from 30years ago!

i know what you mean. I miss my sister's ex bf. He's lovely.

You can't get involved though.

YANBU. I still miss seeing my DSS's ex girlfriend but we are still FB friends. We live hundreds of miles away so I'm not going to see her but it's nice to keep in touch in this albeit superficial way.
I get on OK with his wife but we have much less in common so we don't really spend any time together, plus we live abroad. (Neither wife or DSS are on FB either, so I don't see it as a problem.)

I think you need to separate things here. He might well be a lovely boy but that doesn't make him right for your DD, and you need to accept that.

I have this with my first bf's mum. She thought I was wonderful and when we broke up she was heartbroken (we'd known each other since nursery and dated on/off throughout our teens). But our relationship wasn't what she thought - he was a lovely guy but we did not suit each other as a couple. I'm still friends with her on Facebook and she messages me occasionally. I was really close to her family and stayed there a lot - I do miss her but she thought our relationship was really different to the reality.

Remember, you don't know everything so please make sure you don't make your daughter feel guilty for ending things.

Thank you all for talking sense in to me! I haven't actually seen her, so haven't really spoken to her and will of course stay out of it. He was bloody lovely though, but then so is she!

YANBU. I miss my DB'd ex girlfriend of six years. She was a huge part of our lives and I think it's perfectly natural to miss someone who's been part of your family for so long. I suspect that our parents miss her as well.

I would never in a million years tell my DB this though.

I'm still FB friends with dd's ex from 8 years ago - I make the odd congratulationary remark about a rugby game, etc. However, I would be theexmilfromhell if I met either of the ones they were married to.
My DS is still on vaguely good terms with his exinlaws, which does him credit.
As others have said - they were family, and it takes a while to get used to their absence.

op I am determined to be the exact opposite with my DC of what you are describing....

When I was younger if I had a boyfriend who I took home & my parents got to know, there would be hell to pay if I decided I wanted to end the relationship. i would literally get cold shouldered for weeks; any new boyfriends would be ignored or either treated rudely, and I would be made to feel like a heartless bitch. I actually stayed in one or two relationships way, way longer than I really wanted to because I couldn't face the fallout.

My sister experienced the same thing. My parents loved her ex-boyfriend so much he would come round several times a week for a cup of tea and a chat with my mum. My sister started avoiding coming home so she didn't have to see him & moved in really quickly with a new one just to get away from the situation .

Not suggesting you'd do any of things - just to say that you need keep boundaries in your head. In my mind, I will be friendly to all my dcs friends and partners as long as my DC want me to be. And I try my hardest to keep out of their relationships, because they are their relationships, not mine.

My mum and my ex got on really well. They had quite a lot in common, they both worked in the same industry, he was a bit weird and arty (she tended to gravitate to slightly off the wall people) and we were friends before we started going out, so he was often at our house.

She had brought me up on our own and I think in all honesty she enjoyed the introduction of some testosterone in the house that my teen years brought!

Anywho we spilt up, it was a bit horrid and I never really did speak to her about what had happened and I think she found it really hard to accept that this guy who had been quite a big part of both of our lives for the last few years, suddenly wouldn’t be there. I think she had unofficially seen herself as a bit of a work mentor to him too.

Anywho...we never really discussed it and I think we both (Mum and I) thought we would get back together again once we had calmed down, but soon after he actually died and it was so hard.

Clearly she was grieving, but felt like she couldn't properly grieve as she wanted to show support to me. I was grieving but felt I couldn't really be honest how much I was upset as I didn’t want to upset her (by this point she was also off work with cancer) and I was in the throes of a new relationship (with my now husband) and I wish now that we had talked about it more. I had had boyfriends previously but I would say this was the first 'relationship' I had had and now having lost them both (Mum died a couple of years later when I was in my early 20's) I feel like a big it of my life has been lost and I really crave some closure really.
I could also see how when my now hubbie started spending time at our house, she was holding back. Clearly not wanting to get too involved again in case it all ended again (or at least this is how I see it in hind sight!!) and I did think and worry that she just didn’t like him as much as she had my ex, but I think it was just a protective measure (she was of course also ill by this point too..so…you know!)

Ive never really thought about it before but we had always been close and then it was after I broke up with this chap that our relationship started to break down a bit (timing I'm sure played a part in it too, being in my late teens!!) but we never quite got back to how it was before I lost her and for that I am truly sad.

I realise this is quite an extreme example but, talk to your daughter. Maybe not now whilst everything is still raw, but talk, try to understand and you will be closer for it. Never miss a chance to try and understand and talk and share. You are clearly a lovely person and like to get to know people and sometimes that works out and sometimes not, but don’t let this affect how your relationship with your daughter evolves and how you are with her future chaps. Just be honest.

yanbu to feel this way but you would bu to go on about it to your DD. When my DD broke up with her bf I was sad as I liked him and he felt like part of the family. But it was her choice and I respected that. she now has a new bf of over a year, he is lovely and a great match for her.

You can't help feeling sad but surely she must have had a good reason for ending it?

I can only imagine that posters saying YABU have never been in this situation. It is entirely normal to be affected by the thought of no longer seeing people to whom we have become attached.

I totally get what you mean. I am still on good terms with four of my daughters ex byfs. We don't go out of our way to see each other but we always chat when we bump into each other. One of them calls me occasionally and I'm attending his wedding next year. No one thinks it's strange, I was close to all of them when they spent about of time in my home as part of the family.
If they had parted fromy daughter on bad terms I would feel differently but they didn't they all just grew apart as young love often does.

YANBU. I felt the same when my dd and her boyfriend of three years split up after she left home to start college. He shared holidays and celebrations with us, spent a lot of weekends at our house and was part of the family

I think the relationship that you have with the boyfriends they have when they are still living at home are different because you do get more involved (for good or ill). All subsequent boyfriends you only get to know at a distance.
Perhaps part of it is mourning your daughter moving away and the loss of involvement in her life too? That is perfectly natural.

DD has a lovely boyfriend now and they are much better suited but it is going to take a lot longer to get to know him in the same way because of not sharing time under the same roof.

Thank you for all your responses. Would it be too weird to write to him? (we are Facebook friends, but I hardly ever go on). I just want him to know that I am thinking of him, I wouldn't mention their relationship. He doesn't have a very supportive family, sadly his mother died a few years ago and I think this adds to my protective feelings towards him (massive drip feed- I know)

I'm afraid I think it would. You have also got to consider HIM in all of this. If he is heartbroken (and we have all been there) any contact at all with anyone to do with his ex (particularly a kind contact from his ex's mother) will be giving him false hope. And your daughter would possibly be furious. She finished with him for a reason. Whatever that reason is, for her, it is over. And in her place, if I heard my mother was writing to my ex, I'd a) go ballistic b) be seriously icked out. Exes, no matter how good it was when it was good, do tend to give you the heebs once you've dumped them.

A very good friend of mine always tried to stay friends with her ex's mothers. What used to happen? The mothers were kind to her, and the boys ended up hating her even more, and falling out with their mothers. My cousin split with his longterm girlfriend and my Aunt was like you. Kindness itself, but no. You just don't do it. Sorry.

To the person saying those of us who are naysayers have never been in this situation, well, I doubt that many of us haven't had someone go out of our lives that we cared for very very much. There is a massive difference between missing someone YOU were in a relationship with and piggybacking your child's (ended) relationship. I repeat, you just don't do it.

You need to leave him alone. To get on with his life. As I said over on the other page, you bump into him, you say hi, how are you? Lovely to see you, hope you are well. You can even say, sorry it didn't work out with you and dd. But writing to him is a step too far.

My IL's feel like this about DH's ex girlfriend. When DH and I first got together she was still going round there for dinner/staying the night etc. They were childhood sweethearts and IL's thought (and probably still do) that she was perfect for him. It really pushed DH away from them and meant that I didn't want to go and spend any time with them as I knew they were comparing me unfavourably to his ex. We've now been married for 3 years and have 2 DD's and while we're all 'over it' so to speak it still makes me feel a bit bitter and certainly harmed DH's relationship with his parents.

Oh and DH's ex actually dropped his parents completely when she got a new boyfriend!

I know how you feel OP, my sister had been with her ex since she was 17, they had two children together, got married, he was like an extra older brother for me and an extra son for my mum. They split up 2 years ago after being together for 9 years and we haven't seen him since. It took a while to get over it to be honest. It's all very well and good to simply say 'Don't get attached' but when they're there at mealtimes, weekends, evenings, family occasions, birthdays, christmas etc, it's impossible to not get attached!

I should add that we are long since over him and we really like my sisters 'new' partner, he is lovely and a much better fit for her than her ex husband ever was.

I can totally understand how you feel. My daughter went out with a lovely boy for 2 years and 2 months! (Or we thought he was lovely:( ). My husband and me adored him, he was the son we never had he had the most amazingly close family. His own flat , nice car, good job, nice clothes...yes he had the lot. However since she has split we have learnt things that went on and everytime he sees any of us, he completly ignores us, and that makes me so sad because what ever happened between him and my daughter had nothing to do with me and my husband. I feel it show alot of immaturity.

But i completly understand where you are coming from. My daughter and G**e have been split now for 10 months and she has been on some dates but in my eyes none of them have matched up to him and his lovely family. I have to keep repeating a mantra to myself.
It is her choice.
It is her choice.
It is her choice.
Because my lovely it is her choice and however hard it is for me i have to accept this is the way. As for wonder boy he went of with his sister in laws sister, who was one of my daughters very close friends!!!! So maybe he wasn't that wonderful:(
I hope you feel better soon. Rant on hear its free and easily accessable and you get good advice from people. Most importantly you can keep your feelings from your daughter.
Good Luck.
x

I haven't read the whole thread but the title was enough for me! My DD is only 17 but one particular boyfriend (and bless her, she hasn't had many) really struck a chord with me. I really liked him. What worried me was that any offer of food was jumped on, his Mum had him and several other much younger children and was in a difficult situation and my DD was never ever invited to his home. He liked being with us and was desperate for the Sunday roast when I served it up and kept offering to do jobs in our house and wanting to know if he could help (I am a LP). They broke up acrimoniously, which was a pity and I never got to the bottom of it. However, he stays in touch with me via FB and messages regularly. DD hates it and says IABU. However, I think his life is difficult, I don't talk about her, I just ask how he's doing and how his college life is etc. He would love to get back with her but she's made her position clear and I have told him that and that he has to respect it. I do, however, feel that I need to stay in touch with this young man..not sure why...a port in a storm maybe? I hope he's eating.....