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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is this normal for a 6 year old?

42 replies

Inneedofadvice553 · 01/10/2015 19:02

My six year old DS is hard work.

Argues with every thing, and cannot do anything first time of being asked. The mornings before school are a nightmare. He refuses to get dressed and without fail starts an argument every morning about brushing his teeth

My DM claims that when I was six I would get up with an alarm clock and get dressed on my own and brush my hair! My DS cannot do his shirt buttons, tie, and has to be asked to put his shoes on every day despite the fact we do it straight after breakfast every morning.

My best friend thinks I do too much for my DS. he has no chores as such and only responsibilities is to get dressed, make his bed, brush his teeth and put his plate in the sink. if he does this he gets £1 pocket money a week. he often loses this due to bad behaviour but doesn't seem to care. he also doesn't care about losing toys.

I am a lone parent who is extremely stretched running my own business and I am breaking point with my child all the time who seems physically impossible to do as he is told

is this behaviour normal for a 6 year old? should every little task be so hard? He even argued earlier about sitting down at the table for supper. I would expect that of a toddler but not of a 6 year old. I am so drained by it :(

OP posts:

BerniceB · 01/10/2015 19:06

Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on. PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW OR WE WILL BE LATE! It's like having a tiny teen, but with the disadvantage that they can't be left on their own for a few hours.

Completely normal here, sorry. Only thing that helps is to find their currency and use it. If I'm late for work because of dc's faffing there is no computer time that day.

SaucyJack · 01/10/2015 19:16

Perfectly normal I'm afraid.

But it's also perfectly normal IME for our parents to develop selective memories in regards to their own parenting achievements.....

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 01/10/2015 19:17

I had one 6 year old like you and one like your DS. Would it help if instead of losing money or treats he could gain them? My youngest always responded better to reward than punishment, mine started out with say, 50p pocket money but could add to it by earning it by doing some of the tasks you want him to do? As an adult my then awkward DS is now the one who helps out without being asked around the house so things can, and do, change.

dunkedbiscuits · 01/10/2015 19:18

Sometimes I find that I've turned into Mrs shouty and all I seem to do is repeat myself getting slowly more shrill until I lose it completely.

I find positive praise helps. So at the moment DS is working towards a toy as a reward. He has to be good at school and home for 10 days. He's had a small hiccup where he was naughty so he got days added. Plus I don't get all shouty.

3littlebadgers · 01/10/2015 19:18

I would say it is typical of some 6 year olds, but not most. Your friend maybe right. Maybe if you allowed him to do more for himself he would appreciate the things you do for him more and it would also give him that bit of pride in himself. My dd 6 since August, will wake up and make her bed. Then if breakfast is something easy, like cereal she can do it herself, or toast butter it herself. She showers, does her teeth and dresses herself then sorts her dirty washing into the lights, whites and darks piles. Once she has done all of this she can put a cartoon on while I do her hair as she couldn't manage that alone yet. My boys are a little older but do this and more. They like being given the responsibility. As far as they are concerned we all have our part to play in the running of the house. For all of these things they don't get pocket money they are just the things they need to do to keep things ticking over. They have the chance to earn money for extra things for example, everyone has to put their own laundry away, but if they decide to help me sort it out into what needs ironing, piles of underwear, pair up sock etc I'll give them a little towards their pocket money because they have gone that extra mile and made my life that bit easier.
Stick with it, he may rebel that bit extra to test you in the begining, but if you remain constant he will soon get used to it. And if he doesn't get his shoes on without a fight, in the morning, take him to school without his shoes. He'll soon learn. Good luck

memememum · 01/10/2015 19:18

If he's not bothered about having pocket money and doesn't mind having stuff taken away, how about finding something he does really love and offer it as a reward, but not take it away as a sanction iyswim.
Someone in a thread a while ago suggested just taking them to school in pjs if they wouldn't get dressed. Would that work? I don't think I'd be brave enough personally!

cece · 01/10/2015 19:22

Put his pocket money in 2pence pieces in a jar. Then have two empty jars. One labelled with his name. One labelled with your name.

Then it is a case of
DS please put your clothes on
IGNORES
DS please put your clothes on
IGNORES
DS I can put your clothes on for you but it will cost you 4p (or whatever). Then make him watch you pay yourself the 4p into your jar.

The other suggestion I have is taking him to school in his PJ. I only had to do it once with DC1. The story is now a legend in our house and no other child has appeared in school in their PJ.

3littlebadgers · 01/10/2015 19:24

Ooh I like the jar idea cece! Very visual!

sleepyelectricsheep · 01/10/2015 19:38

Yes, DS (6) is like this.

It's not about giving him more responsibility. He would be happy for me to dress him head to toe if only I'd do it. He argues about everything.

Our toddler on the other hand is a totally different character, she wants to dress herself, to do what I ask her (to a degree). So i'm learning it's not about my patenting, it's simply what he is like.

I've wondered about ADD and ASD but i'm not sure.

I do know now that I'm not imagining it, he really is harder work than a lot of DC! Although I love him dearly of course.

goawayalready · 01/10/2015 20:03

ive one of those he screeches and wails about everything today he was demanding i call a taxi to get up a hill because he needed a wee i mean we live at the top of the fucking hill why would i call a taxi wait 10/20 minutes to go up a hill i could walk it in that i duly informed his options were a,piss in a bush/tree or b,quit whining and get home! (he walked)

one way i deal with him is to not deal with it ie ds put your shoes on OOOOHHHHH I DONT WANT TOOOOOOO!!! i put mine and ds2s shoes on and walk out the door while he is still wailing about me leaving him and call over my shoulder NOW PLEASE i dont repeat obvious things like we are leaving in 10 minutes get ready doesn't require explanation it doesn't require me to micromanage him he knows its shoes and coat out the door etc

same for the bitching arguments he has started repeating what i say in a whiny tone i stop talking to him and refuse to engage until he packs it in

demands? no chance he demands i say no he kicks off i tell him im not changing my mind for a bully and if you keep it up i will be punishing you more

but im a single parent and i end up being a fucking hardass some days so i might try that jar thing

i got really despondent the other day and said i was trying to treat him and could he just behave long enough for me to praise him i would appreciate it bless him he came over and gave me a hug said sorry mommy

BolshierAryaStark · 01/10/2015 20:05

Yep normal, unfortunately.

Cassimin · 01/10/2015 20:07

Have a look at PDA and stratergies. The stratergies may work even if your child doesn't have a disgnosis

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 01/10/2015 20:14

Normal, although undoubtedly there are ways to encourage him/ get him to do more for himself.

Some kids are think are more inclined to be independent than others, and obviously this helps. DD is a bit of a vague dreamer like your ds seems to be, whereas some of her mates have been keen to dress themselves with no need for nagging/ suggestions as to what is weather-appropriate since age 4.

Obviously you can get them to do it with all the brilliant ideas mnetters have suggested above, but it's easier if you have got one that just does it!

kavv0809 · 01/10/2015 20:23

This sounds just like DD1. She's 5. I have watched as kids go through their phases and out the other side but she is still going. Some days she is a delight, caring funny and empathetic. Some days I feel broken with it to the point where I've actually wondered about syndromes like pathological demand avoidance etc. everything is an argument. Getting dressed, hair, teeth, washing, shoes, walking, driving, food, activities.

I swear some days I could say 'DD1 we're off to the magical unicorn fairy and chocolate factory, let's just get ready' and I'd be met with 'OHHHHHHH ITS NOT FAAAAAAIR OHHHHH I AM NOT GOING!'

I am coming to the conclusion that all children are different and she is just more difficult to manage than the majority. I get the bringing them to school in pjs thing but she takes her clothes off and then kicks off usually, so I'd have to wrestle her for a ten minute walk in her knickers whilst pushing her sister in the buggy to bring her to school. I just can't see how that would work and don't like the idea of the humiliation for her.

Tried reward charts, visuals, consequences, empathy, active listening, shouting, getting cross, all of it. She is not worried about consequences or punishment or reward as a rule, her mood just seems to have to run its course until she's got over it which is manageable if it's a tantrum in a shop but a nightmare if you have school or work deadlines. She is ok at school as well which in one sense is a blessing, but in another sense saddens me as I think it must be our fault.

It's not easy to understand til you're faced with it. She doesn't get what she wants but if neither gentle parenting nor hard assing have any effect on the situation it can be hard to know what to do for the best.

Original poster

Inneedofadvice553 · 01/10/2015 20:37

thanks for all the replies, it is very frustrating....

My ds is good at school too which is good, I am just completely exhausted by it

OP posts:

Pico2 · 01/10/2015 20:43

My DD is good at school, but getting her there, dressed, teeth brushed, on time is doing my head in. I am slightly buoyed by hearing that I'm not alone.

Boobz · 01/10/2015 20:50

kavv0809 - could have written your post word for word for my DD1!

And it made me laff!

cece · 01/10/2015 20:51

My son has ODD so his reflex is to say no to everything!

I recommend reading 123 Magic by Thomas Phelan. Lots of fab ideas to get them a) to stop doing things you don't want them to do and then b) to start doing things you do want them to do.

TheSkiingGardener · 01/10/2015 20:52

I took DS to school in pyjamas once. He loved it headdesk

Now I give him a countdown. "DS, you have 20 minutes". "DS you have 10 minutes" etc. Then we leave. The first few times he was running out the door and getting dressed in the car but now he seems to have got it and I don't get cross.

cece · 01/10/2015 20:58

Another technique I use is

I wonder if you can get dressed/put on your t-shirt before I count to 10? I will close my eyes and see. I start counting. Quite often he has at least his t-shirt on plus other items by the time I get to 10. He particularly likes to beat me and be dressed before I get to 10.

nokidshere · 01/10/2015 20:59

Totally normal behaviour. The truck is how you deal with it. Won't come to the table? Fine, ignore, remove his food and carry on with yours whilst ignoring him. This is a tactic that can be used in lots of scenarios.

Children feed off the reaction they get from others around them. Teach yourself some staying calm and ignoring techniques. Learn how to say no calmly and then walk away. Above all when you find something that makes even small inroads then be consistent and stick at it.

All of this easier to say than do of course but 6-8 year olds are highly emotional creatures so being able to keep calm yourself will help you both.

nokidshere · 01/10/2015 21:00

trick not truck

LyndaNotLinda · 01/10/2015 21:00

DS has SN which impact on his organisation skills. What helps us in the mornings is:
A printed timetable on the wall (at his height) ie 8am - breakfast; 8.15 - get dressed etc

Alarms on my phone that go off (he chooses the tune) for key 'events'

When he was that age, timing him to get dressed. So making it into a game where he was trying to beat his 'high score' of getting dressed in 3 minutes or whatever. Accompanied by channel 4 racing type commentary by me.

Also concur with 1-2-3 Magic recommendation :)

Indole · 01/10/2015 21:04

DD is 9 and I still have to remind her repeatedly to put her shoes and glasses on. If I leave her to it, I just find her ten minutes later reading some random book that's caught her eye.

MrsFrankRicard · 01/10/2015 21:07

Normal. I have a similar model to you, it can be like having a 16yo not a 6yo. I made him a chart where he got happy faces and sad faces, I wrote on the chart things that would warrant a happy face (helping around the house and the garden, being kind to his bro, listening well etc) and the things that would warrant a sad face were mainly arguing and not listening. If he got 20 faces with less he got a prize. He loved that and we did 3 charts. He currently doesn't need a chart because he is not arguing nearly so much now.

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