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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused by this response to split

34 replies

JessePinkman33 · 01/10/2015 15:25

Married 15 years, split in May, all amicable so far.
I went to see an old friend from school, we had a few Wine & I gave her the whole story. Seemed supportive at the time but later that evening she emailed me to say she didn't want to get involved out of loyalty to my family unit wtf?? I'm struggling to understand why she would say that or even think she'd need to be 'involved' I just wanted her to listen, it's a huge thing in my life right now & I felt like replying was I supposed to just smile and nod when you asked how I was?? Anyway I didn't I said, ok no worries thanks for listening
So much stress at the moment with the kids, finding a house etc I didn't give it much more thought until I bumped into her yesterday. She said she was extremely hurt by 'what had happened' and continued going on about it but being a bit more emotionally fragile than normal at the moment and also because the kids were with me I just turned around and walked out the shop.
She is a dear old friend and I can't think clearly why she's reacted like this??

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 01/10/2015 15:29

How odd! Has something bad happened to her that you may have missed due to your stress?

LadyLonely1 · 01/10/2015 15:29

Her response and reaction is baffling. You would think it was her going through it not you. Is it possible she has heard another version from your ex and feels like she must choose or something like that?

M00nUnit · 01/10/2015 15:30

Confused What does your friend have to be "hurt" about?

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2015 15:31

Is she single? My first thought was that she might be comforting your ex.

orlakielyimnot · 01/10/2015 15:33

Was she too emotionally involved in your relationship? When I divorced it "hurt" a lot of people who saw us as an amazing couple.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 01/10/2015 15:33

Has it hit a nerve with her own situation I wonder!

Topseyt · 01/10/2015 15:34

Sounds very odd to me.

TheWatchersCouncil · 01/10/2015 15:36

Odd. It's her, not you.

LastOneDancing · 01/10/2015 15:36

Is your friendship normally all about her?

NancyCaroline · 01/10/2015 15:37

No answers just a Confused face.
I mean, it can be hard to listen to a friend complain about their partner or ex. I try not to get too involved myself- but it sounds like you were just telling her the story.
Very odd.

Prettyeyedpiratesmile · 01/10/2015 15:38

Is she friends with your ex? Or is she now in contact with your ex? How odd. YANBU

Jeffreythegiraffe · 01/10/2015 15:39

Is she friends with your ex?

Jackie0 · 01/10/2015 15:41

Talk about making it all about 'you'.
She had better have a good explanation because this is not the reaction from a supportive friend.
Sorry if I'm being uncharitable but she sounds like a total drama queen.
What's she like like normally?

Unreasonablebetty · 01/10/2015 15:43

My MIL is in quite a similar situation at the moment with one of her friends.... I actually thought you might have been her until you mentioned the kids and house- as her children are grown up and she's been left the house by soon to be x husband.

I know my MIL feels v hurt by this because they have been friends with each other since their children were in prams, they were v close and did holidays and a weekly take away with them as a family, she was very close with both halves of the couple and is sad because it's a very upsetting situation for them both.

Honestly I can see how she and your friend would find the situation upsetting, but in that situation I would find myself having to pick a side...

Original poster
JessePinkman33 · 01/10/2015 15:47

Well she was my friend originally, she's never socialised with him on his own. Even if she did feel sorry for him - it's amicable, we came to the decision together so...? Well now you ask that pretty I suppose It is possible she's contacted him because (weirdly) when I first told her she said perhaps she could use her background (mh nurse) & skills to counsel us!! I assumed she was joking & laughed(so did she) so Confused I really don't know. I think he'd tell me. She is single & absolutely adores my kids. Is it a warped way of disagreeing with what we're 'doing' to the kids?She hasn't said that

OP posts:
Jeffreythegiraffe · 01/10/2015 15:49

Maybe email her and say it was nice to catch up but you're totally confused by her reaction and the being hurt.

trulybadlydeeply · 01/10/2015 15:49

Odd behaviour, but obviously something going on underneath it all to cause such a reaction from her. Is she married/in a relationship? If she is feeling fragile about her own situation, then she may be projecting into your situation.

My other random thought was - is there a chance that she may have been involved, or may recently have become involved with your ex?

ditavonteesed · 01/10/2015 15:49

many years ago I had a split with the love of my life (I was 21 its always that intense isn't it) anyhow I went to my friend who said something odd about how she was both our friends and didn't want to take sides, I found out why a couple of weeks later she was comforting him more than me, in fact she had been comforting him before we had split.

Original poster
JessePinkman33 · 01/10/2015 15:51

Spot on jackie I feel like she thinks I've done this 'to her'
She's quirky & has some unusual views on things but a great friend normally. We live in different towns & see eachother about once a month

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 01/10/2015 15:52

Is she religious?
I'm think RC, and against divorce ?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 01/10/2015 15:55

Ask her why on earth your divorce affects her.

OurBlanche · 01/10/2015 15:56

Maybe send her a text or email, so you can think it through. You say your split is amicable, so maybe something along the lines if

Dear X,

I am sorry that you feel hurt at our marriage has ended. Believe me, none of us are entirely unscathed either. My immediate family unit now consists of me and the kids, with XH being fully involved with the kids, he is still their father you know?

I have not and will not ask you to be involved in any way. On X day I had simply needed a friendly ear and thought that you, a friend of X years, would be empathetic to that need. I am sorry that I embarrassed or worried you in any way.

Have no fear, I shall respect your boundaries, I will not ask you to listen to my tale of woe again.

Yours,
JesseP

Original poster
JessePinkman33 · 01/10/2015 16:02

She does attend church yes but never talks about it. I just asked exH he said he hasn't heard from her he thinks by family unit she means the kids...she feels hurt on the kids behalf? Freaking strange. I don't want to lose her friendship. talk about making a difficult time worse Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
JessePinkman33 · 01/10/2015 16:03

That's a good idea blanche thanks

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 01/10/2015 16:04

She's being horribly judgemental