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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be confused by this response to split

34 replies

JessePinkman33 · 01/10/2015 15:25

Married 15 years, split in May, all amicable so far.
I went to see an old friend from school, we had a few Wine & I gave her the whole story. Seemed supportive at the time but later that evening she emailed me to say she didn't want to get involved out of loyalty to my family unit wtf?? I'm struggling to understand why she would say that or even think she'd need to be 'involved' I just wanted her to listen, it's a huge thing in my life right now & I felt like replying was I supposed to just smile and nod when you asked how I was?? Anyway I didn't I said, ok no worries thanks for listening
So much stress at the moment with the kids, finding a house etc I didn't give it much more thought until I bumped into her yesterday. She said she was extremely hurt by 'what had happened' and continued going on about it but being a bit more emotionally fragile than normal at the moment and also because the kids were with me I just turned around and walked out the shop.
She is a dear old friend and I can't think clearly why she's reacted like this??

OP posts:
Number3cometome · 01/10/2015 16:20

Is she shagging your ex??

Naicehamshop · 01/10/2015 16:28

I have a friend who got incredibly upset a few years ago when her brother -in-law and his wife split up; I really couldn't understand why she got so wound up about it (although it was obviously a sad time for the family) and she later said that she had really looked up to them as a couple and got a lot of ideas on bringing up her children from them. Confused
Still seems a bit odd to me, but I think that some people do have to make everything "all about them".

var123 · 01/10/2015 16:30

Dear friend,

I hope you'll understand that my marriage breakup has been a very painful time. I felt uncomfortable answering all your questions that night we talked about it, even though i know you were only asking out of compassion and friendship. If you don't mind I'd like to keep things private between me, Ex-h and our children from now on.

Ex-h and I are lucky to have had an amicable split and see no reason why we should involve our mutual friends. I hope you will be happy with this and can respect my feelings on this subject.

Let's meet up again soon, and put this all behind us.

Love,
Jesse

That will confuse her!

Jackie0 · 01/10/2015 16:39

I'd be quite offended at the insinuation that the children are suffering , and that you and your ex caused their pain.
I'm sorry but I'd be telling her to take her unhelpful opinions and bog off

PHANTOMnamechanger · 01/10/2015 16:42

sometimes people do find it hard when a couple they see as the ideal, perfect in every way family (maybe even longing to be just like you), split up - whatever the reasons for the split. I remember as a child being terriby shocked and upset when an aunt and uncle divorced (we were not even close!) and not because of the divorce itself, but because it was not the aunt and uncle who had always looked like the ones that had a rocky relationship, but the other pair who always seemed to be so okay it was so unexpected and made me worry for a long time about my own family ....'if it can happen to them it can happen to anyone' sort of thing.

Or maybe she has some sort of religious guilt thing because she has been insanely jealous of you and yours (not in a fancying your DH way) and feels she has somehow done this to you?

Nancyanne · 01/10/2015 16:54

Ditavontees - exactly the same thing happened to me. Friend was supportive when my marriage started to go wrong, and then one day "Bam", she didn't want to see me or remain supportive. She was shagging H behind my back. Glad to say, I have a better DH second time around! I think this could be occurring.

lavenderhoney · 01/10/2015 17:10

Does she mean she doesn't want to get involved as in feels unable to support you emotionally ?

Loyalty to your family unit sounds weird - what does that mean? maybe she thinks you were asking for counselling and she doesn't want to get involved professionally. Which is a good thing, because she shouldn't have said anything tricky in front of your DC.

I expect she is avoiding having to be there for you. At least she's told you upfront and you don't have to wonder why she avoids you in future. And you have a swift heads up to ensure you don't share stuff with her again, as she sounds emotionally involved.

BoskyCat · 01/10/2015 17:23

Friends of ours have split up and it has caused awkwardness and sadness, for example we don't want to take sides but we can inadvertently appear to be taking sides if we contact one of them before the other. And we are sad that it has affected their DC, who are friends with our DC, and so on.

However we'd never say that to them... they've got enough to worry about, I wouldn't say we have been "hurt" by them, even if it's not what we would have wanted. So that seems a bit "me me me" of her. But maybe what she's trying to say is she doesn't want to be put in a situation where she has to take sides, or might be seen to be?

HoopsAlot · 01/10/2015 17:27

Her reaction is a bit extreme, like she is making it about her.
I can understand how people can be upset on the other splitting couples behalf but without putting that onto them.

I had it when my db and his wife were temporarily separated I felt for them both as they clearly love each other but were going through their 1st proper rough patch.
I could empathise with the pain they would have been going through.

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