AIBU to be sad that some women still think this way

[StanSmithsChin]

I am on another parenting site and a poster has asked for advice on how to leave her BF. She has 1 DC and is also pregnant. She has discovered her BF has joined dating sites and sites looking for sex.

The first response was from a women who blamed the Ops hormones, said oh men are stupid and don't think sometimes and can you tell him how you feel. Second post was from the "supportive mods" saying how sorry they were but could she not work through it

AIBU to feel sad at these responses that not only blame the OP but make excuses for the vile BF? Shouldn't they be encouraging the OP to seek housing advice, rl life support and to LTB or am I being too heavy handed?

YNBU. I'm astonished that certain women still have these medevil attitudes in the 21st century. We are in the year 2015 not 1520.

YANBU.

Sadly, this attitude is everywhere (except MN) and it doesn't seem to be fading. Women are still buying into the myth that relationships mean women must compromise, and if you have a man that doesn't beat you to a pulp 3 nights a week you've caught a good'un.

I've a good idea which site you're referring to. The one I'm thinking of also has poster encouraging other parents who want to wean early if they want because, 'you know your baby best, hun. Those that tell you you're wrong are just trying to make you feel bad.'. Anyone who uses logic, reason, research-based evidence or objectivity is viewed suspiciously, like they're somehow trampling all over their instincts as a mother. Makes me so grateful I found Mumsnet!

How do you know they're women, or mothers?

It's so easy to fake identities on the internet and a message board is a haven for those pushing their own questionable agendas.

I once belonged to a board where a regular poster with a feminine name would post advice encouraging women to stay at home, submit to their men, cover themselves. It was all referenced to their religion.
"She" was eventually outed as a man with a definite mysogynistic bias.

Given they've asked for advice on how to leave their BF, yanbu. If a person was having doubts about their relationship, wanted advice from people who had been in similar situations and their eventual outcome, then fine to suggest they 'give it another go' and so on. But when a person has decided to make that break, I'd assume it wasn't a decision made lightly and offer what support I could.

YANBU. Very sad that so many women still think they have to put up with unacceptable things, just to remain married. One of the things I like about MN is that many posters make it clear that women are entitled to a decent respectful relationship.

That's appalling. The mods? Appalling, and very sad.

Blimey, this is not just a TAAT

It's a TAAT from a completely different forum!

Wouldn't your time be better spent, pointing all this out to the people having the actual conversation?

If you have, then YANBU I suppose.

I do find people very militant on here about weaning, surely "your baby, your choice" is correct?

Is it the Sparkly Place? That's just awful. Tell her to come over here, we'll help her. I really don't like NM.

Where was this, OP?

It's mad isn't it. It reminds me of when my MIL ever finds out a man in the relationship has cheated, she ALWAYS says - without fail..
I don't know why he cheated/has left she always kept a tidy house!

I don't care whether it is TAAT or TAAF but I agree that that's pretty awful OP. Especially if the moderators suggested the same. I can only echo a PP and suggest that she comes over here!

worra for your information I did point this out on the thread in the sparkly forum.

It just sadden me, I am used to the MN way of straight talking non Hun LTB, so it came as a surprise to see such views. As for knowing the replies were from women the nn and picture were female but I suppose that means nothing on the net.

When will the " oh they're just men, don't think, it isn't really cheating, it's your hormones bless em" way of thinking die out?

ExConstance, No I think "your baby, your choice" is a stupid phrase.

Well, whose choice is it then? No more the choice of the sanctimonious EBF at any cost MN brigade than that of Waynetta Slob on Net Huns.

MN relationships is a very rare and unique place, happens in RL! here what I get

Oh such a fiery relationship
Latin temperament
Oh all couples argue
Oh he is depressed
OH you'll sort it out
are you having enough 1:1 time
are you having enough sex

ad infinitum

YANBU. It's a profoundly depressing and widespread attitude. Even among my own friends and acquaintances I often hear accounts of the behaviour of husbands and partners that I know I would not accept. In my experience the man who values his partner so little that he refuses to lift a finger to feed himself, clean shared surroundings etc. often goes on to cheat later in the "relationship."

Ex I think the your baby your choice doesn't work in a lot of circumstances. For example " I want to wean my 6 week old baby is this ok" the above phrase is not appropriate as early weaning can be dangerous for one so young. However if the question was " I don't want my MIL to take my baby to church as DH & I do not believe in religion" the your baby your choice would be appropriate.

i'm still shocked at the some of the horseshit women put up with from their partners both on here and in real life.

When i announced to my mother that i was leaving XH because i was unhappy, and had been for years; her actual (very indignant) first words were:

'' ... but you've just had the kitchen done Epona!''

Ah, then i must stay, of course

I realise this is not quite the same as Op is talking about, but i was shocked by it. Stay it an unhappy marriage for appearances rather than do something about it. ''It cant be that bad'', etc. ''At least he doesn't go out drinking''.

Ex

Yes: ultimately parents make choices for their children.

What I'm talking about is when parents ignore logic, research and advice insisting they know best. Or worse, when parents don't even engage with the logic, research and advice in the first place.

An example:

A mother on the parenting website I'm thinking of said she wanted to wean her baby at 14 weeks because the baby was grabbing at food when the family were eating and had stopped sleeping through the night.

Lots of replies along the lines of: you do it hun, you know your baby best.

Someone comes along and politely and reasonably says that these two things aren't indicators that a baby is ready for weaning. Babies grab everything. Not sleeping is a red herring because it's actually through milk that babies get their calories / fat. Also, babies' stomachs aren't ready for weaning until 17 weeks at the very earliest, though ideally 26 weeks.

WELL! This poor person, who offered helpful and sound advice, was ripped apart! She got:

-how dare you tell this mum what to do! She's doing the best for her child!
-there's always someone who thinks they know better than a mum!
-this mum has enough on her plate without someone telling her she's doing it all wrong!
(And my favourite!)
-me / my mum / my grandma were all weaned early! Never did us any harm! 'They're' always changing the guidelines! Next week it'll be something else! Nanny state, how dare they!

Yeah - how dare the nanny state carry out scientific research into weaning for the health and well-being of babies and update guidelines when they make new discoveries.

It got worse. The next day someone started a thread linked to this one saying:

'I am sat here in tears because people on here just aren't supportive to each other. Someone came looking for advice and was told they were doing it all wrong. Mums - trust your instincts always! I'm going to say goodbye to you all now as I don't want to be on a site that doesn't look after each other.'

I expect she then updated her Facebook status in a cryptic way ('I am so upset - people dan be so very cruel!') and sat back waiting for the, 'you ok huns?' to come pouring in.

wow, that IS depressing.

YANBU.

The most depressing bit is that they breed, and will no doubt be imbuing the next generation (assuming it survives) with similar ideals.