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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Billing a no-show guest

44 replies

MidniteScribbler · 01/10/2015 00:33

USA Today News

It's not a DM link, I promise. Although their version of the story is here for those so inclined.

So who is being rude here? The bride who sent the bill, or the guest who didn't bother trying to make alternative arrangements (she or her husband could have stayed home and one gone to the wedding), didn't bother calling to let anyone know, didn't bother sending a gift?

OP posts:
steff13 · 01/10/2015 00:47

Ideally, the couple would have called.

However, I think the bill is tacky and reflects an attitude I don't care for. A wedding and reception are meant to be a celebration of your relationship that includes your loved ones. I believe that the bride and groom are not blessing the guests by inviting them to the wedding, but that the guests are blessing the bride and groom by joining in their celebration. Sending a bill sends a message, IMO, that the guest should have to pay for the privilege of being invited to the wedding. So there was some leftover food. Let guests take it home, freeze it for yourself for later, donate it to a homeless shelter.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2015 00:54

Bit of both.

One of the couple could have gone and explained that the childcare fell through and apologised that the other half was with the kids. All done. So they were in the wrong for just not showing and not informing the B or G as soon as they knew they couldnt make it.

However, just sending a bill out of the blue is off too. If they were close enough to invite to the wedding then surely they are close enough for a call or email to say that they were disappointed at the no-show and would have appreciated a call to explain, oh and btw, this cost us $75 in uneaten meals......

The lack of gift and card is an issue as I know that in the US there is a rule of etiquette that a gift isnt an optional extra for a wedding guest, so they should have sent something. And if you bring in the "cost per plate" thing then the gift should equal at least $75. (Not saying I agree with this btw, but that I know it is a "thing" in certain areas of the US).

So I am coming down, just slightly, on the side of the B&G, partly because they still have to pay their full bill regardless of flaky no-shows and because the "guest" went to the press with the bill. An apology plus a nice gift would have been a better way to go surely?

Bogeyface · 01/10/2015 00:56

And thinking further, I wonder if there were several no-shows and thats why the B&G did this?

We dont know how many couples didnt turn up. Four couples would cost them $300 in uneaten meals, I would be pretty pissed off with that. But the bill alone doesnt put it in context, so we cant be sure.

Original poster
MidniteScribbler · 01/10/2015 01:03

This seems to have a bit more info about it. She says that she really isn't that close to the bride and groom anyway. I actually wonder if it was planned as a protest for her children not being invited.

I don't agree with sending the bill, I'd just write them off as being rude twats. The point where she decides to post it on the facebook page of a news station was the point where any relationship would be over anyway.

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 01/10/2015 01:05

Lol. People even TRYING to justify the twattish behaviour or the 'happy' couple here.

Have a word with yourself!

steff13 · 01/10/2015 01:05

I don't know, I feel like if I budgeted, say, $7500 for food, and I got $7500 worth of food, I don't think it would bother me beyond that. With any party to have to plan that there are people who aren't going to be able to make it.

Original poster
MidniteScribbler · 01/10/2015 01:08

I think the behaviour of the guests was equally twatish.

Or is there only allowed to be one set of twats per discussion?

OP posts:
steff13 · 01/10/2015 01:13

What do you think happens if the couple pays the bill? Do they then get the meals they didn't eat? Are they sitting in a freezer somewhere, just waiting for people to "buy" them?

differentnameforthis · 01/10/2015 06:21

Thing is, when you organise a party/wedding etc, trying to get a whole bunch of people in one place, at one time, on one date, it is pretty short-sighted to not expect no shows.

Yes, they could have called someone to explain their non-attendance, but to send them a bill shows that the B&G feel that their money is more important than their friendship.

If you cannot afford to lose money over a no show, perhaps your wedding is costing too much in the first place..

The point where she decides to post it on the facebook page of a news station was the point where any relationship would be over anyway. I disagree...the point where the B&G felt the need to recoup costs was the beginning of the end. You don't invite someone to your party/wedding/whatever and charge them for no shows. You just don't!!

Of course it isn't great to just not show up...but as a bride (or host) if someone hadn't turned up, and they hadn't got in touch, my first thought would be concern that nothing was amiss, not trying to get money from them. Be the better person, call them/email/text & ask if they are OK & what happened??

Fugghetaboutit · 01/10/2015 06:28

They didn't text or call. Fuck em

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/10/2015 06:35

Everyone IBU. There doesn't seem to be any reason for the guests not explaining their absence. That was very rude. I also don't see why they didn't send a card/gift. B&G then overreacted.

VashtaNerada · 01/10/2015 06:35

Not calling to apologise - Twat
Sending bill - Twat
Going to the press - Twat

All twats the lot of them. (I had a no-show without apology at my wedding, still pisses me off but wouldn't send a bill!)

Lweji · 01/10/2015 06:36

So, the bride and groom invited a couple they hardly knew.
They either had a very large wedding and wanted to make up the numbers, in which case the probability of a no show is larger. Or had a smaller wedding and hardly any friends, which is why they invited virtual strangers, and given this behaviour I'm not surprised.
The guests obviously should have called in advance or very shortly after to apologise and not wait for someone else to ring them.
Regardless, it's tacky to bill guests. I'd just re-evaluate my non existent friendship.

merrymouse · 01/10/2015 06:39

Both in the wrong. Very strange to just not turn up and give no explanation and then publicly complain about the bill.

Very odd to go to trouble of sending bill.

I think these people have a lot in common and should try to maintain their friendship.

GirlOverboard · 01/10/2015 06:47

Yes, they could have called someone to explain their non-attendance, but to send them a bill shows that the B&G feel that their money is more important than their friendship.

Well obviously the friendship was of very little importance to the guest, as she couldn't be bothered to turn up on their wedding day. So maybe they didn't think the friendship was worth saving.

Sending a bill for the dinner was a bit over the top, but maybe the bride and groom were just upset at her behaviour. And possibly there were a number of no shows, which might have annoyed them more.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 01/10/2015 06:51

I agree with "all twats" POV.

Allaboutthebass · 01/10/2015 07:00

They all sound vile. Very rude not to let the B&G know they could not make it and apologise, as they claim they were planning to attend until the last minute they must have had a card and gift ready so definitely should have still handed that over. Hard to believe one of them couldn't have gone or they had no friends or family they could call on for last minute emergency childcare. If I was the bride, I'd be annoyed and fume silently about this but sending the bill is beyond rude.

SilverDragonfly1 · 01/10/2015 07:38

Herb crusted walleye sounds like some kind of medical complaint.

londonrach · 01/10/2015 07:48

Tbh who ever put this out in the media is very silly. Whats wrong with talking privately about it.

Fugghetaboutit · 01/10/2015 08:07

Silver Grin

lalalonglegs · 01/10/2015 08:09

The guest had no intention of going - she did not contact anyone involved with the wedding, she didn't send apologies and a gift afterwards, her excuse was very vague (something "came up" for her mother), she could have attended and left her partner/husband to look after the children and then she tried to minimise the whole thing by saying they weren't that close anyway - why does that matter if you have accepted an invitation in the first place. So, on the basis of all these things, bride and groom are petulant but justifiably pissed off and the guest is rude.

RhodaBull · 01/10/2015 08:17

Agree about the herb crusted walleye... made me feel quite ill reading that at 8am!

You can't bill for no-shows but I can understand wrath of hosts as the errant guests didn't call to send their apologies, sent no gift and had a bit of a flaky excuse anyway.

Egosumquisum · 01/10/2015 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerainbow · 01/10/2015 08:32

1 did the guest have both the bride and groom number cos you know the bride might a bit busy on the day.
2 childcare it is no one job to tell any one who they can leave their kids with.
3 is it the mum that knew the bride or groom and some thing happen so she could not go ( nobody needs to know what it was) then there was no point in the dad going .
4 and again if dad knew the bride or groom the fact that mum was busy meant that there not childcare.
5 no gift well that is bit rude .

kissmethere · 01/10/2015 09:02

I agree with the twats pov.
It's pretty poor to have rsvp'd and then not bothered to go( I suspect they couldn't be arsed on the day) and to not inform the B&G is appalling manners. I had 2 no shows at my wedding, both apologetic, what can you do? We settled the bill the next day and it was accounted for.
B&G have shown their disgust by sending them this bill which is a tad brave but if these didn't show then I would imagine the normal reaction would be to not bother inviting them to anything again, especially as not contact has been made about it before now.