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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be torn between what the right thing to do is

40 replies

parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:10

I have a 3 yo DD and I am now single. (I won't be entering a new relationship until she has left home.)

I really wanted 2 DCs and I wonder if in my position I would be UR to consider adoption.

The problem is I live in a 2 bed house so would need to move to rented as can't afford a 3 bed and I would also need to look for another job and I like mine and am happy.

Is it too much?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2015 20:12

How old are you and why do you think a new relationship is out of the question...

Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:18

I am 35 and I won't be having a relationship until DD has left home.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2015 20:19

I got that you won't. Just wondering what the reason is. Pure nosiness actually. The age is relevant because of fitting more DC in.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:21

Well a lot of reasons but won't go into them here :)

I realise the age is relevant. I am 35.

OP posts:
BoyScout · 30/09/2015 20:22

Are single parents allowed to adopt? I have no idea.

If you own your house, think carefully about getting off the property ladder and moving to rented. That's quite a big sacrifice.

RandomMess · 30/09/2015 20:23

Go down the private donor sperm IVF route? You won't need to move house etc.

Osolea · 30/09/2015 20:24

YANBU to consider adoption, but wouldn't that be a bit risky if you were in a rented property where you could end up having to move fairly frequently? I can't imagine that being a good thing for a child who's had go go through the adoption process.

JawannaDrink · 30/09/2015 20:24

Thats the kind of statement that would raise this kind of face Hmm from those assessing you for adoption. Its a sweeping statement and its an odd one too.
You'd leave a job you like and sell your house on the off chance of being approved as a single adopter? Sounds like there is a lot going on under the surface of this....

Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:25

They're allowed to yes.

I think if I was having donor sperm it would still present the same issues in terms of houses but it could be delayed for a bit. I was wondering about renting mine out and renting somewhere else? Just don't know if it's selfish to do that to DD. Mind you many people think only having one DC is selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:26

Why Jawanna? Confused

At the moment my work means I would not be approved as an adopter.

My home environment would not be suitable either.

I don't know why changing those things would be alarming. I'm not suggesting I do it tomorrow!

Osolea, I worry about that too.

OP posts:
hairbrushbedhair · 30/09/2015 20:26

Of course your not unreasonable to consider it but if you're newly single and haven't been "stably" single for several years and until your child is several years older it's very unlikely you'll be considered a suitable adopter yet as they want any birth child to be several years (I was told at least 3 years normally) older than an adopted child and there are few under 3s in the adoption system.

I know of one borough where they do have some under 3s and could PM you where that is but they also are very clear they have far more approved potential adopters in the country than there are children waiting to be adopted so you have lots of competition.

The discrepancy comes in that they don't have enough people willing to take on the issues and needs most of these children have such as severe development problems and disability either because they don't want to adopt a disabled child or because they wouldn't be able to meet the level of care that child requires due to their jobs or other birth children which need their attention. Or because they don't have enough adopters that could meet a child's cultural needs.

Less and less children are up for adoption these days due to special guardianship. The children who are up for adoption are not sweet healthy babies, but older children with challenging needs.

But you are certainly not unreasonable to want to expand your family through adoption as a single person

Jackiebrambles · 30/09/2015 20:27

In your position id go down the sperm donor route if you want another child but don't want a relationship.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:28

Yes, I realise it wouldn't be a baby, although ideally I'd like an under-3. DD is 4 in January.

By the way, I wouldn't sell my house but I would have to rent it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:28

I'm not sure I am completely comfortable with sperm donation; it's awfully expensive too.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 30/09/2015 20:30

I have no idea about the costs of sperm donation but I know that the adoption process is no picnic! Quite rightly of course.

Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:33

No, it isn't, but it doesn't require £3000 that I haven't got either :)

OP posts:
hairbrushbedhair · 30/09/2015 20:35

I don't think you'll be considered if your newly out of a relationship but if you have been single several years and your own birth child is not about to go through any massive life changes (starting school might be a consideration) they may consider you. Your DD would be considered as much as you in the process and whether it was something she could currently cope with. You'd need to show you've seriously thought about the impact on her. You also need to consider the type of child, would you be willing to take on a disabled child and have your daughter make the sacrifices that come with that? If not then sperm donor is probably the only available option at present.

I would go to an adoption open day and get some more info, I found it very helpful even though for myself it wasn't an immediate plan

Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:36

Yes, there is a lot to think about. I have been single for nearly eighteen months :) adoption open day is a good idea, thanks.

OP posts:
hairbrushbedhair · 30/09/2015 20:42

I wouldn't move or leave a job till you're some way on in the process either. If you explain your willingness to do it though I think it's a more sensible approach. Sometimes there's a requirement to place a child away a distance from a birth family or near a therapist they already know etc

Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 20:47

From everything I have read 'saying' I would do X would be ignored - would have to actually do it :)

OP posts:
hairbrushbedhair · 30/09/2015 20:54

Yes but it works both ways. To be completely approved you do need to do it.

But uprooting your daughter uneccessarily, taking on extra financial burden, moving house in an area there are NO children waiting to be adopted or giving up a career your happy in isnt wise until you know your likely to become approved. They will let you know through the process if they think your likely to be approved.

Some areas have as few as 4 children on the list even in London. Most have no under 3s.

redding43 · 30/09/2015 20:58

Hi, we adopted a little girl a few years ago and my DW and I went through the system for a while so hopefully have some experience we can share.

Firstly, depending on where you are located your Adoption Agency may insist on 3yrs difference between your current child and any added one. We have a birth child and it was important to us and the agency that he remains the oldest.

The process is pretty 'invasive' if you are not open with your feelings and lifestyle. We quite enjoyed it but you will need to be open about your reasons, childhood, extended family and support network. Support network in particular is key to any approval.

As you have guessed they would be looking that you have enough space and that typically means your children have a bedroom each...very important in our experience for your current child in particular.

Depending on your agency and the child you may be eligible for financial support so a move to a home with an extra room may not be out of the question.

I think from reading your post that your key challenge, other than being absolutely sure that this is the correct route for you and not a reaction to your current circumstances, will be the age of child that they would want to place you with. It would need, in our experience, to be a baby and they are the most asked for in the process. Again not impossible, our daughter was just under a year old when she joined us (we had previously agreed 3-6yrs would be suitable), but it will be hard.

Being single is fine, they will want to be assured of the unlikelihood of another partner coming into the households which may create further challenge for you at your age.

Sorry if the above sounds clinical, it's exactly what it is in a way. I would suggest if you are really serious that you go to some adoption events to learn more.

As a dad though I can honestly say it's the best thing we have ever done. Adoption was a choice for us, not driven by biology, and I could not imagine life without our son and daughter

Seriouslyffs · 30/09/2015 21:03

3 cycle egg donation is £1995 here

Original poster
parrotsummer · 30/09/2015 21:07

I don't require egg donation thank you - eggs are fine.

Thanks redding that's informative. :)

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 30/09/2015 21:12

Sorry- sperm not egg!

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