To be torn between what the right thing to do is

[parrotsummer]

I have a 3 yo DD and I am now single. (I won't be entering a new relationship until she has left home.)

I really wanted 2 DCs and I wonder if in my position I would be UR to consider adoption.

The problem is I live in a 2 bed house so would need to move to rented as can't afford a 3 bed and I would also need to look for another job and I like mine and am happy.

Is it too much?

This is a bit out there, but if you didn't find adoption possible and couldn't afford the sperm donation (though a 3k loan or to save it can't be impossible?) what about finding a gay man who wants to father and parent a child who would donate sperm for free? (Obviously you'd need him screened and that would cost) I realise this might be too unconventional an arrangement and you might prefer to be the sole parent, just throwing ideas out

I don't know any gay men at present, much less one I could ask to father a child!

In any case I am not completely sure if I would want to go down the route of donated sperm. I am wholly supportive of others doing so though.

to be honest I have been pondering this as I read the thread and it might be the way you write but you sound pretty dispassionate about it. There isn't really much need Or passion coming across and I'm left wondering whether you really want to adopt at all. Maybe if you were sure you would just do it? I can't imagine doing something as major as adoption unless I was really, really into it

Yeah that's fair enough. Would you ideally prefer another biological child and the pregnancy etc and all that comes with it (despite not wanting a relationship) or to take on an adopted child? Because fertility wise your getting older but for adoption your still young you have plenty of time

I felt like my bio clock was ticking and think I have decided to try for a biological child for now as I don't want to lose the possibility of another child altogether when adoption is by no means a certainty

I don't know how to answer that Thelush

My thread isn't about how passionate I am. I don't think there's anything wrong with wondering if adoption might be a possibility and considering if this could work.

I don't know hairbrush, if my circumstances were different possibly I'd be looking at DC2 now.

I think (since you asked) that firstly you need to considea how you would feel about changing job? What else would you do, is it a big part of your identity and is it possible you would resent giving g up a job you love? I gave up a job I loved due to childcare and have eventually wangled my way back to it. I was really unhappy doing a job that was very convenient bit I hated it.
I wouldn't be giving up security of own home either so would in your position be looking into keeping house. Is there a loft that could be converted or a space for an extension. Even if you don't adopt in the end you'd still get the benefit.

Finally childcare costs! Plus having known people who have adopted because of the psychological issues the children haven't been suitable for childcare. Definitely something to consider as that really could affect earning and economic security.

OP why dont you ask to get this moved to adoption? Lots of very experienced mnetters over there who I'm sure will be happy to talk to you about the process.

Personally I think going to an open day, or just calling up your local authority and having a chat, is your best step at the moment. They'll be able to talk to you about your circumstances and about adoption in general.

Thanks :)

I'd need to look for something office based real as current hours are all over the place.

I definitely couldn't afford a loft conversion unfortunately! Maybe when I've won the lottery

as an aside if you don't have £3k in savings being a landlord is not sensible. Renting out one to rent another won't work either, finances don't stack up.

With donor sperm you've got a 50% chance of having another dd who can share a room with your dd.
You could also try for a smaller age gap. With adoption I think they like your birth children to be a certain age first. Better to ask in the adoption threads though. Yanbu to consider adoption but it also may not be the best option.

No I'd rather it stayed here to be honest as when I've asked before on adoption it hasn't been massively supportive.

I may not but its nice to just make plans even if they end up being hypothetical.

It would be more likely to be a boy through donor sperm.

70% of IUI babies are male.

On top of going to an adoption open day, could you perhaps book a few sessions to discuss things through with a counsellor? To explore how you really feel

It's perfectly natural to find it hard to accept you may never have another child or that you may not be able to go about it the way you hoped but you have limited time to come round to the idea of sperm donation if what you're actually desiring is all that comes with a biological child

I'm fairly certain I don't want to go down the route of sperm donation and i think I have been consistent in that view.

Things against you:
There needs to be a minimum number of years between your birth child and adopted child. I think it's three here, which would mean you potentially waiting a long time for a child as under 3s are few and popular.
Your financial situation needs to be secure. They'd expect you to take a year off work when your addition goes through.

In your favour:
You're already a mum .

Also, here, children of a similar age and the same gender can share a room (but it may not be advisable) so this may not be adeal breaker.