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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being the 'gentle' parent I want to be versus my reality is virtually impossible!!!

36 replies

OhDearMeMama · 29/09/2015 17:19

I've always gone for an attached parenting/ gentle parenting type style. I didn't start out thinking right that's what I'll do, this was just how I naturally felt and later came to realise there was a name for this approach type. Fast forwards 4.5 years, I now have two very boisterous, very full on boys aged 2.5 and 4.5 years and I am struggling. When as babies they were bf and co-slept etc, the gentle approach was easy and very fitting, but now I feel they've grown out of that and need something else that I'm not giving them. I keep trying the positive parenting, gentle reinforcing, etc but feel I have virtually no control over them and inevitably by about 5pm every day I am shouting at them and I've just about had enough. I can't do this approach with my boys, we're getting nowhere I can't be the parent I want to be... I don't want to be shouting and hollering at them, but I need some sort of strategies which I can have some control and respect from them. They are good a lot of the time and really, really lovely boys but by the end of the day they are just wild, running, not listening, deliberately defiant, breaking stuff, drawing on walls, throwing things etc... they are driving me crazy!!

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 29/09/2015 17:22

Do you do:

boundaries,
consequences (natural or otherwise)
no means no?

If not then you need to.

SirChenjin · 29/09/2015 17:24

I'm sure that there will be people along who tell you that it's perfectly possible, but in my experience there are some kids for whom the gentle parenting lark works (DD) and some for whom it absolutely, categorically does not (DS1, eldest son of DF).

Clear boundaries, rules, consequences that are followed through on and an occasional bit of shouting did no child any harm. Oh, and plenty of exercise to tire them out!

derektheladyhamster · 29/09/2015 17:27

5pm is witching hour for boys - you have 2 young children. give yourself a break, you're only human.

As long as they have the Boundaries, consequences & no means no (as pp mentioned) - you'll be on the right track

Original poster
OhDearMeMama · 29/09/2015 17:28

they do have boundaries and know what these are, it is the consequences and no part I suppose. I try to avoid using No and instead offer alternatives and choices but will say no when I really mean it. Likewise I try and avoid using things like time out but now find it is the only strategy I feel I have without screaming at them. I have gone on every GP site and sought advice and try these tactics and just end up running in circles. They are brilliant children, full of fun and we go out and run a lot, but they just never seem to tire until they totally crash... feels like I have am trying to manage two wild young tigers at the zoo!!

OP posts:
Spartans · 29/09/2015 17:30

Dd responds to gentle parenting. DS does not.

He needs boundries and consequences. He is actually happier knowing his boundroes than not. I found the firsts 3 years with ds very hard because I wasn't used to it. We were lucky with dd she was all well behaved. Seems ds got a double dose of the mischief gene.

Mehitabel6 · 29/09/2015 17:30

IT is a huge mistake to choose a parenting philosophy before children. You need to wait and see what children you have and parent the children you actually have.
There is no need to shout but you need to change. Give clear boundaries.
As already said - rules with clear expectations, consequences and always carry out what you say- consistency.
That and wear them out physically- lots of exercise!

SirChenjin · 29/09/2015 17:32

Kids of that age (unless you are very lucky) really need to hear the word no or have the offer of alternatives - no means no, end of. Foot down with a firm hand and follow through on your consequences. Reward chart for good behaviour, and (simple) list of rules that they can help you write out (or colour in etc).

Why on earth do you try and avoid the word no?!!

Mehitabel6 · 29/09/2015 17:32

Children are much happier with clear boundaries. It is scary being small and not having the adult in charge.

Spartans · 29/09/2015 17:33

What's wrong with the word 'no'?

I have never understood this

ovenchips · 29/09/2015 18:03

OhDearMeMama I feel the pain and remember the exhaustion that is the end of the day with just one boisterous toddler! It's draining and knackering.

If I am reading you correctly, you're saying you've naturally developed these gentle parenting strategies which have worked well whilst your boys were babies, but now they are a little older they don't seem quite the right fit for your lively boys?

My usual cast iron recommendation is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. However, I think your kids are on the young side to fully implement their strategies. Amazing, amazing book though. As is Between Parent And Child by Haim Ginott (the psychotherapist who developed the original aproach the Faber and Mazlish have popularised. His book is quite beautiful I think - his gentleness and humanity really shines through).

I would heartily recommend How To Stop Reacting And Start Resonding by Sharon Silver (US based with a website called Proactive Parenting). It's a similar approach to Faber/ Mazlish but more easily applied to little ones. What I like about this book is each very short chapter is a scenario that you might be having difficulty with. It goes through a 'responsive' way of dealing with it, rather than a simple reaction.

It generally also includes actual words for you to use to get you started, which I found extremely helpful when starting to use it, as felt I had a little script to guide me through. There are lots of scenarios covered so you can concentrate on picking out the scenarios that you are currently struggling with.

Best of luck with whatever approach you decide to go for.

zzzzz · 29/09/2015 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helloitsme15 · 29/09/2015 18:18

I try to avoid using No and instead offer alternatives and choices but will say no when I really mean it

Noooooooo! The no word is your best friend. Use it without explanation. I am the mum. I can say no whenever I like for whatever reason I like. I am the mum!
The time will come when they are older and that won't work - but for now it should.

Original poster
OhDearMeMama · 29/09/2015 18:19

Thank overchips, yes that's correct, I mainly followed instinct then realised it had a name, and I know to date it has worked well, I do have two happy boys who are great with other people, confident, happy and sociable; they are just such a handful. DH has just got home so I have sent him to bath them both. Most frustratingly is individually they are absolutely wonderful, just together they really wind each other up and egg each other on - it isn't aggressive it is like they team up against me!!

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 29/09/2015 18:35

That's correct - gentle parenting works/can work when they are little. Once they get older and start to push at the boundaries (as they continue to do as they get older) they need firmer rules and guidelines, and consequences for breaking them - absolutely consequences. Divide and conquer, divide and conquer, and as hell says, no is your friend.

You haven't really explained though - why are you so against the word no?!

BarbarianMum · 29/09/2015 18:40

Gentle parenting works fine with one small, fairly biddable child. Not so well with multiple children who want different things, or spirited children, or tired children.

Personally, if I gentle parented we'd be ruled by ds2 who would be a tyrant, ds1 would never be heard and I'd be some sort of slave Hmm

momtothree · 29/09/2015 18:41

You can tell the children in class who dont like/understand the word NO ... seriously you are setting them up for issues at school. Say No mean No!

ouryve · 29/09/2015 18:44

No is one of the most important words in a child's vocabulary. So many of the problems that a kid can possibly have through childhood stem from the child either not feeling able to say no or someone else not respecting that no. (Same goes for adulthood, really - just take a look at the relationship boards)

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 29/09/2015 19:03

DD as an example would struggle with choice, she would worry she made the wrong choice!! Even apple or orange. She is happier being told no, or offered on choice .. would you like milk, as opposed to would you like a drink? I have grown up friends lime this too.

Original poster
OhDearMeMama · 29/09/2015 19:05

I have never said I was against the word no, I said will use it when I need to and do so; what I have done though is offer an alternative first for example if DS2 is drawing on the table rather than the paper, I would say something' DS2 tables aren't for drawing on, lets get some more paper' rather than shout no at him straight away. If he was going to run off in a busy place I would say 'No DS2, we do not run away from mummy here because xxx'. My children do understand the word no, and DS1 has settled well into school and doing fine.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 29/09/2015 19:11

Why not "no, tables are not for drawing on. Here is some paper" - and why on earth did you jump to the conclusion that "no" would be shouted straight away? No can be used firmly in the first instance without the need for negotiation, without raising your voice and without any long lasting damage being caused to your child.

BrandNewAndImproved · 29/09/2015 19:13

Stop being a wimp and woman up.

You are in charge, if your dc can't respond to a firm no or stop your putting them in danger. They could be running into a road but because they don't listen to you and your NO is useless they could end up being run over.

Grazia1984 · 29/09/2015 19:14

I never had to punish or do time outs with mine.
What they did like was absolute certainty of what happens when without fail and no changes to that pattern - food at X time, bath at Y time etc etc. The security of that means they accept it.

Also look at their food. If they are eating stable healthy foods not foods which give them a sugar rush and if they have regular meal times and perhaps only drink water then they tend to calm down. Get them outside as much as possible too and running around.

BrandNewAndImproved · 29/09/2015 19:19

I'll give you an example of my parenting, my ds who the word boisterous was invented for decided to look for the doritoes we had lost on our way back from shopping. Hes not allowed to just rifle through my cupboards but he's old enough to ask for something and get it.

He didn't ask he tried to do it himself so he could sneak off and eat the whole bag. He spilt a bottle of cooking oil it went over his leg and then as he came into the living room to show me he trecked oil everywhere.

I didn't shout, I don't like shouting. Instead had to take off his clothes and put them in the machine. He then had to find other dark clothes to put in the wash and add washing powder and turn it on. He also had to sweep up so I could mop and get into the bath earlier. He didn't want to do this he wanted to play minecraft. He slightly moaned and I said do I look like I want to be mopping oil up after being in work all day, he said no mummy sorry mummy and got on and done it. Tada natural consequences without shouting.

I can shout stop and my dc will freeze, I am the boss and I don't mess about. That doesn't mean I shout no at them all the time but they sure as he'll know what that word means.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 29/09/2015 19:24

I don't want to be teaching kids in a class of 30 who have never been told no when they get to secondary. I have too many personalities in the room to give choices to every single one. How is not hearing no preparing them for life?

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 29/09/2015 19:26

You have two little boys who know securely that they are very much loved and cared for. That isn't going to change unless you're truly awful to them deliberately!

Nothing wrong with being firm and decisive when they're being silly and winding everyone up, then being gentle and offering choices when they're calmer.

I agree that choices can be overwhelming at that age, do they respond well to choice or is it a flash point for them?

Make sure there are consequences for bad behaviour that make sense to them (eg no pudding because you threw your peas at your brother so clearly you're not really hungry).