Being the 'gentle' parent I want to be versus my reality is virtually impossible!!!

[OhDearMeMama]

I've always gone for an attached parenting/ gentle parenting type style. I didn't start out thinking right that's what I'll do, this was just how I naturally felt and later came to realise there was a name for this approach type. Fast forwards 4.5 years, I now have two very boisterous, very full on boys aged 2.5 and 4.5 years and I am struggling. When as babies they were bf and co-slept etc, the gentle approach was easy and very fitting, but now I feel they've grown out of that and need something else that I'm not giving them. I keep trying the positive parenting, gentle reinforcing, etc but feel I have virtually no control over them and inevitably by about 5pm every day I am shouting at them and I've just about had enough. I can't do this approach with my boys, we're getting nowhere I can't be the parent I want to be... I don't want to be shouting and hollering at them, but I need some sort of strategies which I can have some control and respect from them. They are good a lot of the time and really, really lovely boys but by the end of the day they are just wild, running, not listening, deliberately defiant, breaking stuff, drawing on walls, throwing things etc... they are driving me crazy!!

I don't think anyone's mentioned this before but particularly when mine were small I found making doing things look fun and an attractive option helped massively. This varied a bit by child.

eg dc3 is very competitive. So put your pyjamas on would be ignored but I bet you can't put your pyjamas on before I count to 7 (I found picking random differing numbers worked better than 10, have no idea why!) would be met with an enthusiastic race against the count.

Also we weren't slaves to the clock but at key times of day, making everything predictable eg in the same order every day, helped too. Build in time for delays. The offer of a Bonus Play if they got ready for school quickly was a big incentive.

Minimise unnecessary moving around. Once they have to move, you start losing control So we kept toothbrushes in the kitchen and teeth were brushed sat at the table straight after breakfast and tea. Once they came downstairs in the morning, they didn't go back up. You get the idea.

Kind and helpful behaviour chart. This is a joint family chart and the idea is that any member of the family can nominate another for being kind or helpful. Once the chart is full, you all have a treat together. (Pennies/marbles in a jar is another option)

It keeps changing as they grow up - you will need to adapt again as they get bigger. But if you don't get on top of it now it will be much harder when they are older.

123Magic!! - look it up - most of it is just sensible. Basically to be a good parent you owe it to your children to set effective limits. They need to know what the consequences of meeting those limits are. You need to keep 'high' emotion out of the process.

you can be a gentle parent and set firm boundaries.

There are kids who respond well to gentler forms of parenting, and others who if given boundaries will just trample right over them until you replace then with razor wire fences ;)

I have one of each type. I honestly think people who believe it's possible to be gentle and at the same time enforce firm boundaries actually just have fairly amenable children!

You need to adapt according to the children. It is no good clinging to what you started with if it doesn't work and is making daily life unpleasant.

Sorry, but they need some discipline! Your approach may be admirable but it really isn't practical, they have the potential to be two total little shits, control them while you can. It's no good waiting until they are 14 and 6' tall and then complaining! All this 'gentle parenting' is shit, woman up and get a grip!

I think I'm quite a strict parent but I try to avoid using "no" too much too. It works for me, DS is for the most part very well behaved, at home and at nursery.

There's nothing wrong with changing your approach. Just because something was best for your family a couple of years ago doesn't mean you're bound to it forever. So gentle parenting got you this far. Now its time to consider moving on. You might return to it in the future.

"All this 'gentle parenting' is shit, woman up and get a grip!"

What a simplistic and nonsensical statement .

I agree with posters up thread who say that you need to fit your parenting approach to the individual child. I also have one boundary challenger and one who with a stern look pretty much do as they are told.

I totally disagree that being firm means not being gentle. I also love "how to talk to kids"and every time in dip into it when we have a rough patch with behaviour at home, I feel I am a calmer and more effective parent and the mood at home is happier.
being strict is but one 'tool',not a one size fits all approach.

I never understand the 'one size fits all' which is why I wouldn't decide on a philosophy before the child. e.g it would have been useless choosing attachment parenting for DC3 who wanted to be put down in his own space.

Ontheflopside is quite right- why equate saying 'No' and being firm with not being gentle and empathetic? Your DCs are at home for the majority of that time and you want it to be harmonious and pleasant for everyone. For that you need a few ground rules- especially in how they treat others.

If I did choose a general philosophy before the child I would be flexible enough to change it if it didn't work and didn't suit the child.