Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would forgive someone?

37 replies

todoslosanimaless · 29/09/2015 15:05

A few years ago when we were in our early to mid twenties I had a little group of very close friends. We met in 6th form and did loads of stuff together, going on holiday etc. Neither of us had serious boyfriends at this point so we were all big parts of each other's lives.

I'm ashamed to say that we fell out a couple of years ago (I'm 27 now so I guess I was ?24? then) when I had some personal issues and took it out on them a bit. I probably wasn't very pleasant to be around and things reached a head when I drifted out of contact with one of them and then we arranged to meet up. I had a "serious chat" with her and told her they had all been awful friends, but particularly her BlushBlush

At the time I was so convinced I was right but now I can see it was me and want to make things up with them. What can/should I say?? Do you think they'll want to hear from me? Please help xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
todoslosanimaless · 29/09/2015 15:06

They are all still friends btw and look as close as ever. I would do anything to get that closeness back again

OP posts:
Spartans · 29/09/2015 15:08

Depends on the reason you were so awful.

They may prefer to let sleeping dogs lie or may like to put it behind them. It's difficult to say.

slicedfinger · 29/09/2015 15:10

If you don't try, you will never know.

Helloitsme15 · 29/09/2015 15:11

Worth a try if you are prepared to say sorry and admit you were out of order. If you were my friend I would be pleased if you got in touch and said sorry.

Booyaka · 29/09/2015 15:11

Time does heal a lot (and Facebook helps) I have made up with friends I'd fallen out with after a few years and I know other people have too. You can only try, if they say no you'll be in the same position anyway.

LittleRedSparke · 29/09/2015 15:11

what have you got to lose if you contact them?

I think you might get some personal closure if you sent them/her an apology, but tbh i dont think you will ever get back as close as you were before (I'd love to be proved wrong though)

Original poster
todoslosanimaless · 29/09/2015 15:11

How can i phrase it?

Thank you for your advice xx

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 29/09/2015 15:11

All you can do is apologise and explain. Tbh I doubt it will go back to what you had, but you and they will feel better for it.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/09/2015 15:12

We can't tell you how to phrase it. It must come from you. But as I said, explain your circumstances at the time. Not as an excuse, but as underlying reasons.

Original poster
todoslosanimaless · 29/09/2015 15:13

I was quite self centred when I was younger and could be a bit vile! Blush So if I upset someone I expected them to move on, but if someone upset me I needed to let them know. I'm ashamed now

OP posts:
Original poster
todoslosanimaless · 29/09/2015 15:13

Ok thanks tigger

OP posts:
SqueakyCyclops · 29/09/2015 15:14

I was bullied by my friend when I was younger. We went 15 years without speaking and our paths crossed again. She apologised genuinely and wholeheartedly and I was able to forgive. We are now close again, but not to a degree we would have been without the time gap. This is not due to the bullying but busy lives.

your friends may appreciate an apology but you need to be prepared for the outcome should they wish the past to be left in the past. If it will help you to move on regardless then I would, but it may well open a can of worms

Original poster
todoslosanimaless · 29/09/2015 15:18

Thanks squeaky. Did you still harbour resentment against your friend (perfectly understandable in the circumstances)? I'm scared my old friends will feel a bit aggrieved still and want to air these grievances years later. I will be happy to hear them in any case

OP posts:
claraschu · 29/09/2015 15:20

I would be so ready to forgive someone from the past who was ready to say sorry. It would mean a lot to me that someone had even been thinking about me and remembering our friendship.

Since having my children I am much more forgiving and also more able to see that young people are often very selfish and need a long time to grow up.

WickedWax · 29/09/2015 15:21

I think you've got nothing to lose.

I guess the one friend in particular, her response all depends on exactly what you said while you were telling her what an awful friend she was. If it was all very 'boo hoo, you've all been terrible friends' that's one thing, if it was a completely personal character assassination, that's entirely another.

Me personally, I might forgive, but I'd never truly forget and I'd never be as close again, I'd always be wary of you.

You need to prepare yourself to hear "thanks for the apology, but we're not interested in renewing the friendship at all/to the level it was previously".

SqueakyCyclops · 29/09/2015 15:21

No, to be honest I had moved on as it was such a long time ago. But I now see this friend every month and we text every week. I am so happy to have her back in my life. Teenage girls (as we were) can be so cruel and it took time and space to grow up and appreciate what had happened. I hope things work out for you too

helenahandbag · 29/09/2015 15:23

A very good friend and I had words about 18 months ago, some things were said on both ends and we didn't speak for almost a year. We then reconnected and have met up a couple of times since but it's definitely not the same. I sometimes wonder if I should have left it.

Scobberlotcher · 29/09/2015 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
todoslosanimaless · 29/09/2015 15:37

Yes scobberlotcher, I agree that would be the best option. Sorry, i didn't mean to imply that that was why I was apologising; more that as the years have passed I can see how unreasonable I was and want to make amends with and can see how stupid I was. If they would be willing to see me again then that would be a bonus

OP posts:
laffymeal · 29/09/2015 15:40

I had a spectacular fall out with a friend when we were both 17. We had known each other our entire lives (we are 3 months apart in age). We didn't speak for about 4 years and met up at a mutual friend's wedding. We started to speak and spend time with each other again. Then we had another fall out 2 years later. This time we didn't speak for nearly 10 years.

She unexpectedly visited me in hospital when I was having DD, she was pregnant with her DD (born 3 weeks later) and we just clicked. Still great friends today, 18 years on. We never bring up the fall outs, just get on with having a good time.

I think you should give it a go OP, you've nothing to lose.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/09/2015 15:45

Tbh your reasons are very self-centred and it makes me wonder if there is much point.

You want the closeness back. You see them all being friends...

I think if you get in touch it should be with the sincere intention of apologising and because you're genuinely sorry for any distress you caused.

If a friendship is rekindled from that then great but if shouldn't be your primary motivation.

I think you should concentrate on new friendships so you're not relying on them. You don't even know if they're the same people.

NynaevesSister · 29/09/2015 15:53

Why do you think that Waltersmitty? She has said several times that she realises now she was vile and wrong and wants to let them know. Being friends would be a bonus but isn't why she is doing it.

What makes you think she is lying and is only doing it because she wants back in?

sproketmx · 29/09/2015 15:58

Yeh. If you admit u were a bit of a dick I'm sure they'll b fine. I'm still friends with most of my school friends and we've all done some pretty shite things to each other but main thing is give it enough time so it doesn't sting as much, go in open minded and honest and hash it out.

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 29/09/2015 15:59

Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting.
Personally I would forgive you but that wouldn't mean that I wanted to reconnect as friends. Probably I would not want to tbh. Sorry to be blunt.

Spartans · 29/09/2015 16:29

The thing is, it doesn't matter if they forgive you or not. They may not be able to get past it. If you were quite selfish in general, they may not have felt it was a great loss. I don't want to sound harsh but it can depend on so many things.

Just tell them you realise how awful you were and want to apologise. Just don't expect anything back.

I have some people in my past that I would forgive, some I wouldn't because what they did was so awful. Stuff I just can't get past.

Swipe left for the next trending thread