To feel a bit irked/annoyed at DP?

[xSummerStarsx]

DP and I have been together 2 years, we’ve just moved in together, we’re very happy and things are good.

Money isn’t a problem for him (which is great) He earns a very good salary and has a good amount of savings in the bank, great, I’m really proud of him/ pleased for him.

I have recently had consultations re getting an invisible brace fitted (always hated my teeth) and have decided to go ahead with it as my teeth/smile are massively affecting my confidence.

I have discussed a pay monthly finance plan with the dentist and agreed a plan. I don’t have the money up front unfortunately, but can easily afford the monthly payments. It isn’t interest free, but is fairly low interest, I will pay back an extra £200 over the 2 years. Not great, but not the end of the world.

DP isn’t happy and says I should just save the money up first and then get the procedure done. I appreciate this is the best way to do it but, at the moment, with other outgoings that I have, it would take me a year to save up that amount comfortably without leaving myself massively short each month. I REALLY want these braces before I’m 30, it’s like now I’ve decided on it, I just want it done now, I don’t want to wait another year.

However, he keeps going on and on about the £200 extra I’d pay back, doing other calculations, savings plans for me etc, which, don’t get me wrong, is sweet but it all adds up to the same, I’d have to wait another year before I could even start the procedure, it’s approx. 10-12 weeks from first consultation to fitting so basically, it’d be another 14-15 months before I could have them.

I was telling my friend on Saturday night and she seemed to think it was a bit off that he was making all this fuss about it and yet the actual total amount payable is a complete drop in the ocean to him and seemed to think it was weird he hadn’t offered to lend me the money and I pay him back?

I have to admit, the other day when he was going on, I felt a bit irked and felt like saying ‘You have tens of thousands of pounds saved in the bank, if this £200 of interest I’ll be paying back is such a blummin’ problem, lend me the blummin money and I’ll pay you back each month instead!!’ I didn’t obviously, it’s his money and I wouldn’t want to feel indebted to him, however, I know, if it was the other way around and I was worried/ annoyed about him paying interest on a loan, or indeed taking a loan out at all and the amount was nothing to me.

I’m sat here now feeling a bit irked. AIBU and entitled or is he being a bit meh?

I understand you feeling a bit irked actually. It does seem odd that a) he is so concerned about you paying what is quite minimal interest and b) if he is so wealthy why he hasn't offered the loan.

I does ring alarm bells sadly as he is either incredibly stingy and will always see his money as his own or he doesn't want you to have the procedure as he wants you to remain unconfident.

The fact he is behaving like this about your money would make me not want to borrow off him. You'd never hear the end of it.

If you can easily afford the monthly payments then go for it.

Maybe ask him directly about the loan and see how he reacts? I am sure he'll give you the whole "I don't loan to family and friends" line in which case you need to tell him that you are going ahead with the finance plan and will happily suck up the interest!!

I think this speaks to a fundamental difference in approach to finances, which it is worth you exploring with your DP, as if your relationship keeps going it is the sort of thing that will come up repeatedly.

""DP isn’t happy and says I should just save the money up first and then get the procedure done""

He isn't in charge of you and unless this could impact on your life together, he really needs to MHOB.

I'm getting into debt to get my teeth fixed, it's an investment. I've decided to pay interest rather than use my savings.

It could be that your DP hasn't been on a low wage in a while and has lost perspective of having to go without, whilst saving, but then something comes along.

Unless you have teeth that need fixing, you don't appreciate how it impacts on your self confidence etc.

Ugh, annoying.

Just say "Thanks for doing those calculations. I have looked at all the options and I would prefer to pay the extra £200 over 2 years. If you want to make me an interest-free loan at the same repayment schedule I'll bite your arm off, but otherwise I'm going ahead and that's the end of it - unless there's some other reason that this worries you?"

Is it perhaps that he's concerned you have too many financial commitments already? Have you talked about the way your finances are shared now you live together? It can't just be about the £200, so find out if there is something else you need to address.

If it is just about the £200, then now is the time to start to have conversations about your different financial attitudes to risk, savings, investment, debt etc. It can be a really really divisive issue in relationships, so do talk about it.

YANBU. As pps said, it's your money, your life and if that's how you choose to do things, it's up to you. And FWIW I agree, get the braces asap, life-changing!

I also agree with pps that there's a potential issue around you and your DP's different approaches to finance, that you should aim to resolve before you get to the point of having significant financial commitments together. It may be nothing but I could imagine a potential worst case scenario where he insists on keeping sole control of all the money because he feels you can't be trusted to manage it as sensibly as him?

I don't want to scaremonger, but it's possible.

You are an adult. If it is something you want/need and you have worked out how to pay for it then it is up to you what you do.
It sounds like you have separate finances and not joint, so if you cannot tell him how to manage his money, then he cannot tell you what to do with yours.
I would be a bit worried about his attitude tbh because if you are in a committed relationship you should be working together on this and if possible he should be helping you over something so important to you.

Yanbu and I agree with pp. He should be offering to help you out with this. Isn't that how relationships work, be it for each other if we can? He's giving you insight into how he views finances should work. Maybe it's time to sit down and have that discussion.

Could it be about the brace rather than the money. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of it so is trying to put you off?

So you'll pay an extra £8.33 per month over 2 years.
Blimey - go for it.
Ignore what he says, this is your teeth, your money and your decision.

"Thanks for doing those calculations. I have looked at all the options and I would prefer to pay the extra £200 over 2 years. If you want to make me an interest-free loan at the same repayment schedule I'll bite your arm off, but otherwise I'm going ahead and that's the end of it - unless there's some other reason that this worries you?"

THIS IS A GREAT WAY TO PUT IT ^^^
Except I'd say 'the extra £8 per month over 2 years'
Sounds far less that way.

I'd also be interested to know how you are splitting bills etc...

I am not as good as money with him, I’ll be honest and frank, I have some debt, WHICH, can I just add, I am paying off each month and clearing so that’s really all I can do.

He has never had debt in his life and is very sensible with money. However, I am definitely becoming more sensible with money and like I say, clearing my debt and working towards having a few grand of savings of my own.

He will always be more frugal than me, that goes without saying and it will never change, however, in my old age (lol) I am becoming more careful too so I’m hoping we will meet in the middle. I’m not totally irresponsible with money, I wouldn’t be considering this if I couldn’t do the monthly payments but I can, easily, so don’t see why I shouldn’t go ahead.

If I was to save up the money beforehand then I would still be that amount down each month over the next 12 months anyway. I am not that bothered about £200 interest, maybe I should be, but if it’s a case of waiting another 12-14 months for these or having them in the next month or so and paying an extra £200 then I will do the latter. He would do the former, we are different there but I hate my teeth/smile, I have been self-conscious for years and woke up a couple of weeks ago and thought bugger it, I could live for another 60- 70 years with these teeth, what’s a few grand over 60 years!

So yes, I am thinking it comes from the fear of him knowing that I have other current debt. Which is not irrational or unreasonable. But like I said, I’m paying that off which is all I can do. I can’t turn back the clock unfortunately. I’ve learned my lesson, but I don’t see this as the same, it’s a tiny interest payment plan at the dentist, with very affordable monthly payments, over 18 months, for something that will (I feel) change/improve my life. Not spending on a CC for frivolous things.

Your teeth, your money, your decision.

He's your partner, not your boss.

I got braces as an adult. I can smile in photos now.

Is he trying to teach you a lesson about debt?
Your teeth, your money, do it! At least if you split up he can't ask for your teeth back.

I think it's your money and you can choose to pay it how you like, unless he's willing to lend you the £200.

Have you discussed finances at all? How about if you get married and have children? You need to know these things, there are plenty of threads on here from people who won't talk to their OHs or wish they had.

Tbh, I wouldn't advise borrowing money off him anyway. Keep your independence for a bit longer.

His attitude is creepy and controlling. It's your money and you can do what you want with it - you're an adult. Plus the prices may well rise by the time you save up for the treatment.

It’s not for him to be happy or unhappy with what you do with your money.
Do you know every detail of his savings and investments? Does he consult you over his financial matters?
Just because he has more doesn’t give him the right to dictate how you spend your money.

I'd be irked too - he's offering you nothing except his disapproval. His attitude worries me, I don't think this is a good sign for your future if he's this tight about money & you're more of a live now type of person. If he's trying to say he thinks you look lovely & don't need the braces, well fine, but it's a lame way of going about it. If not, he's very, very pedantic.

There's a reason rich people are rich - a lot of them are very careful with their money!

However, he has absolutely no right to bang on at you about your money, your teeth, your decision - he's not your Dad, ffs!

So YANBU. What are you contributing to the household bills etc., is he making you pay half despite the disparity in your finances?

Ah, OK, so he is perhaps anxious that you are going to get more into debt and struggle. Just be honest with each other. Accept that you made mistakes in the past but that you see this as an investment in your happiness and that the £200 is just the opportunity cost that you're happy to go with, and won't affect your other commitments.

As long as you can cover your bills and are not going to have to borrow off your DP in other ways (i.e. can't afford 50% of a night out, or expect him to sub the groceries etc.) then it's a perfectly responsible way to borrow. Just do be understanding of his point of view whilst going ahead anyway!

Enjoy your new smile, OP.

In view of your past debts I can see he may be concerned that you may slip back into it again.
There is a case for if you want something badly enough you would save for it first. If he feels you want instant gratification ( which many people with money troubles do!) he would feel you may get yourself into debt again.

However, it IS your decision and if you have learned from past mistakes then he has to trust you. Only time will show him that you are being responsible over this. Go ahead with what you want but be determined to get it right. Why not show him by paying off the loan early if you can?

£200 to bring the solution forward a year? Sounds like shrewd financial sense (as long as you can afford it, which it sounds like you can).

TBH it doesn't sound like he's THAT great with finance - it's easy not to borrow when you have loads of money, but having loads of money and not borrowing doesn't make you better at finance ipso facto.

Is there any more to the story - are you borrowing in a similar fashion to fund other things in your life? I'm trying to see the story from all points of view, and looking for reasons why he may not be quite as bad as he appears.