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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit irked/annoyed at DP?

51 replies

xSummerStarsx · 29/09/2015 11:13

DP and I have been together 2 years, we’ve just moved in together, we’re very happy and things are good.

Money isn’t a problem for him (which is great) He earns a very good salary and has a good amount of savings in the bank, great, I’m really proud of him/ pleased for him.

I have recently had consultations re getting an invisible brace fitted (always hated my teeth) and have decided to go ahead with it as my teeth/smile are massively affecting my confidence.

I have discussed a pay monthly finance plan with the dentist and agreed a plan. I don’t have the money up front unfortunately, but can easily afford the monthly payments. It isn’t interest free, but is fairly low interest, I will pay back an extra £200 over the 2 years. Not great, but not the end of the world.

DP isn’t happy and says I should just save the money up first and then get the procedure done. I appreciate this is the best way to do it but, at the moment, with other outgoings that I have, it would take me a year to save up that amount comfortably without leaving myself massively short each month. I REALLY want these braces before I’m 30, it’s like now I’ve decided on it, I just want it done now, I don’t want to wait another year.

However, he keeps going on and on about the £200 extra I’d pay back, doing other calculations, savings plans for me etc, which, don’t get me wrong, is sweet but it all adds up to the same, I’d have to wait another year before I could even start the procedure, it’s approx. 10-12 weeks from first consultation to fitting so basically, it’d be another 14-15 months before I could have them.

I was telling my friend on Saturday night and she seemed to think it was a bit off that he was making all this fuss about it and yet the actual total amount payable is a complete drop in the ocean to him and seemed to think it was weird he hadn’t offered to lend me the money and I pay him back?

I have to admit, the other day when he was going on, I felt a bit irked and felt like saying ‘You have tens of thousands of pounds saved in the bank, if this £200 of interest I’ll be paying back is such a blummin’ problem, lend me the blummin money and I’ll pay you back each month instead!!’ I didn’t obviously, it’s his money and I wouldn’t want to feel indebted to him, however, I know, if it was the other way around and I was worried/ annoyed about him paying interest on a loan, or indeed taking a loan out at all and the amount was nothing to me.

I’m sat here now feeling a bit irked. AIBU and entitled or is he being a bit meh?

OP posts:

redskybynight · 29/09/2015 12:31

Coming at this from another point of view. I am careful (some would say tight) with my money. This stems from my parents having huge arguments about money and what they could afford when I was a child. But ... anyway ... whilst I believe that you've done you sums etc and can afford this, the idea that you would take on more debt whilst already being in debt is totally against my own personal financial values. And whilst you and DP currently have separate finances, presume at some point in the future you might decide to have children, pool your finances, have to financially support each other (either because one of you takes on childcaring responsibilities, or because of illness, redundancy etc). I couldn't have a long term relationship with someone whose financial values were so fundamentally different to my own. I'd personally be wondering (and talking to DP about it) whether you are compatible longer term, or whether you will just get stuck over every financial issue in the future.

msrisotto · 29/09/2015 12:36

So, this is a non-essential purchase that is getting you into debt. Perhaps he is worried that an essential cost will come up and you'll struggle to cope.

I guess that you both have fundamentally different views on money management and that's really hard to reconcile. At the end of the day, it's your choice but he might be looking at your future wondering if your differing attitudes is going to cause problems. I know it would make me really anxious if my DH was in debt for non essential items but I guess I would probably be partially liable as we're married. I can see where he's coming from, but he can't force his ways onto you. Sounds as though he is either a bit tight with his money (not offering to give you a loan, I did this for DH when he needed a bit extra for a car, no hesitation) or he doesn't trust you to pay him back. From what you've said at the moment you're paying another loan back so maybe that's something to do with it.

redskybynight · 29/09/2015 12:42

ChunkyPickle · 29/09/2015 12:43

In a year's time, I bet the prices will have gone up at least by that 200 quid.

Go for it. I had one of my teeth fixed that's looked awful since I was a child, and I'm so pleased I did - it looks fantastic.

bettyberry · 29/09/2015 12:46

I bet the prices will have gone up at least by that 200 quid

I second this. Just my hygienist appointment has gone up from £18 - £45 in 12mths!

£200 for what essentially is a year back of your life in relation to self confidence and an improvement in your self esteem surrounding your smile. I know folk who spend 5x that on a new wardrobe for the same effect!

ApplePaltrow · 29/09/2015 12:47

So he's a man so mumsnet is implying he's abusive and encouraging you to make this combative. That is the mumsnet way.

Here's my differing view: how much debt do you have? Do you completely pay your way in the house? Because it seems like you have no savings and are actually in debt yet are getting a cosmetic procedure done on credit. And this is fine because he has plenty of money saved and it seems like on some level you anticipate borrowing or using that money for yourself.

I think he is concerned that you have very different views on saving and financial responsibility. This concerns him because you live together and he presumably is joining his financial future to yours. If in a few years he refuses to help you out with his savings, people here would be quick to call him stingy and tell you to LTB. He can't win.

I would sit down and have a big conversation about money. What it means, what your spending and saving goals are. Instead of getting defensive and acting like he's the enemy (which unsurprisingly is the mumsnet mantra)

bettyberry · 29/09/2015 12:50

To add, I would be a little apprehensive about his attitude to money tbh. I don't want to squish a new stage in your life but if he is like this about you dealing with a health issue (it is because its your teeth and mental health iyswim)

How will he be about buying a new sofa/bed/cooker or whatever you need for your home?

Will he sit down and work out the numbers?

Being cheap/going for the absolute cheapest option isn't always the best way to do something. Savings or not I really question how good he is with his own finances tbh!

Thymeout · 29/09/2015 12:52

I, too, would be wary of taking on more debt when you're still paying off an old one. All those 'it's only an extra £8 p.m.' add up. Why don't you use it to clear your current debts sooner?

And when you ask for an interest-free loan, you're asking him to give you money that would otherwise be earning interest for him. That's a bit cheeky imo. If you want to do this, at least offer to pay him what he'd otherwise be getting in interest on money he's saved.

Now that you're living together, how 'joint' are your finances? Is he really a DP, or are you just a girlfriend he lives with? In your position, I think alarm bells should be ringing on both sides. You do have fundamentally different attitudes to money and if your finances become more entwined, e.g. with maternity leave, there will be problems.

ilovesooty · 29/09/2015 12:55

I'd be pretty annoyed and think he's a controlling prick who should keep his nose out of your business.

Thymeout · 29/09/2015 12:55

Betty - I don't think you can assume that he'd go for the cheapest sofa. More likely he'd want to buy something that will last.

MackerelOfFact · 29/09/2015 12:57

He should keep his nose out of your finances. Don't suggest a loan though as if you break up, it will be a massive issue.

However those invisalign/six-month smile etc 'quick fix' 'invisible' braces are not a good use of money IMO. Dentist DP (with orthodontic interest) regularly rants about what a con they are.

In your situation I'd get onto a college that does orthodontic courses and see if any of the students need case presentations, so you can get the treatment done cheaply and properly.

Fizzielove · 29/09/2015 12:57

Can't you get braces on the NHS? I had them twice , once in my tennis then again in my mid 20's as me teeth had moved again coz they'd taken the first set off too early? Is that an option? To get referred to an orthodontist from your NHS dentist?

Fizzielove · 29/09/2015 12:58

Once in my teens ! Not tennis obviously

Original poster

xSummerStarsx · 29/09/2015 12:59

Interestingly, I have previously sat him down and asked whether he thinks we’re a good match as financially we’re quite different. He said yes he thought we were, it didn’t worry him too much. In fairness, in the 2 years that I’ve known him (and maybe it’s his influence I don’t know) I have become better with money and now instead of wanting to spend, I ask myself do I need it, am being more frugal etc. I have felt guilty about the thought of getting my teeth done, however, broken down into monthly chunks, it really is manageable. My car is financed but that ends in March, I will have a spare £170 a month once that’s finished. I have recently made a life change and now, as of next month have a spare £300 a month. So, by March, I will have an extra £470 a month. £120 of this will be for my teeth each month and the rest I am going to throw at my CC debt to clear it a lot quicker.

I can totally understand his concerns, but this is manageable and I’d rather he was totally supportive. I have parents to moan and lecture me about money. I also have my own conscience.

He’s not a bad/horrible person at all. He is amazing, really & truly, my rock really. I just either want him to not go on about me taking out a pay monthly plan and a bit of interest or, if he’s that bothered, lend me the money himself. I know I would lend him the money if it was the other way around, provided I knew he could afford it, which he knows I can.

OP posts:

bettyberry · 29/09/2015 13:06

Thymeout no assumptions here. just exploring future possibilities based on experience. I just find the desire to save then pay for something that is health related really odd and that usually carries on into other areas of life.

I find his attitude a little perplexing and his complaints about how she spends her own income. If you need it you do it if your budget allows and clearly the OPs budget does.

its1999right · 29/09/2015 13:15

To be honest, I would feel the same way your partner does, given that you do have debts and don't seem to have savings- and getting your teeth fixed is non-essential. I would also feel that a year is really not a long time. You've lived with your teeth for many years already.

I would FEEL that way. But crucially, I would not tell my partner what they should or shouldn't be doing with their own money. I would keep my thoughts to myself- or maybe I would mention it, but I wouldn't go on about it if you had made the decision. Because it's YOUR decision. So he's being unreasonable.

BTW I had braces in my 20s- once I could afford it. Actually my orthodontist did interest-free credit so it may be worth looking for another practitioner.

AyeAmarok · 29/09/2015 13:16

I also think you should go for it.

It's basically a £200 premium to start now rather than in 15 months. If you want to start now (and maybe be almost finished in 15 months time) then I'd use that as the reason you are happy to pay this way.

FWIW, I don't think after this short a relationship that he should be loaning you the money for something like this.

lotrben17 · 29/09/2015 13:21

do you think it'll increase your confidence at work? bad teeth can hold you back, confidence does partly come from physical confidence. It doesn't get easier to afford to spend large sums on yourself - wanted mine done since my late 20s and now I've got small children and high high childcare bills I'll be in my 40s before I could contemplate it.

Thymeout · 29/09/2015 13:27

You're asking a lot. How can he be 'totally supportive' when from his pov you are going further into debt to buy something you don't actually need. Want, yes, but there's a difference. It's cosmetic.

You think you have made changes in your attitude to finances, but there's no mention of putting money aside in a savings account in your future planning. You're still living up to the wire. What happens when you have a big car bill, or want to go on holiday? Credit card again?

Original poster

xSummerStarsx · 29/09/2015 13:27

I should add that I only decided to do this after I knew that I would soon have a £300 a month saving in other areas of my life. I knew it would only be about £120 a month and thought well, it's as good a time as any. I'm in my late 20s and annoyed that I waited this long.

OP posts:

notinagreatplace · 29/09/2015 13:41

I can kind of see where he's coming from - you're still paying off credit card debt and are taking on yet more debt because you don't want to wait for it. I suspect he's concerned that this will continue to be a pattern - and, to be honest, it probably will be. People don't usually change that much - I suspect you'll continue to be someone who would rather have something now and pay a bit more for it. That may mean you're not compatible with someone who would rather save up for something.

OutToGetYou · 29/09/2015 13:44

I understand where your partner is coming from actually.

In your shoes I would compromise - how about you do it in March, when the car finance ends, meantime saving up what you would be paying and putting down a bigger down payment, thus reducing the debt and interest.

With car finance and cc debts I'd not be happy for my dp to take on any more debt. Nor would I lend him money, that's just asking for trouble as people don't learn if they just keep having access to loans.

Booyaka · 29/09/2015 13:48

I don't think he's under any obligation to lend you the money but I think him complaining about your decision is a big red flag.

Jux · 29/09/2015 13:49

I would feel like your dp does too, but I am not particularly frugal either. I would take the 'your money' stance. What would hold me back from wholehearted approval is that you already have debt and that having your teeth fixed is not akin to a procedure which could save your life.

I would worry a bit about how you want things now and to pay later; what is the next thing you will want now ? That would hold me back from lending or blending my finances with yours until I had had more time.

redskybynight · 29/09/2015 14:05

OP, have you thought about what you would do if you lost your job or got pregnant or ...?

Because unless you have a solution that doesn't involve DP paying your debts, this very much is his business.

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