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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother is in the wrong here.

33 replies

MicronesiaIsMyHome · 28/09/2015 17:02

I'll try and make this simple. I have two brothers ( brother A and brother B for ease). At the moment my DF mum ( so our Gran) is critically ill in hospital and she is not expected to survive much longer. DH and I live about 2 hours away from the rest of my family and last night DF sent myself and A ( and a couple of other relatives) an email outlining the situation. Df has not excluded B on purpose but around five years ago brother B and my DF had a disagreement and since then B has avoided DF completely. Df has tried to contact B but to no avail.
So with all this happening with my Gran, I and my DM felt that B should be informed but A is saying no. "He's made his bed, blah blah". I think he is being a dick and not telling B about Gran is spiteful.
After talking to my mum today I have decided that I will tell B if A doesn't.

Does that make sense? I am right or is A?
What would you do?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 28/09/2015 17:04

I would tell him. It's not fair to deny him the chance to make peace and it might bring the family back together.

MaxPepsi · 28/09/2015 17:05

I would tell brother B about his Gran, presumably, he's not fallen out with her and presumably your dad has not said don't tell him?

I can understand where brother A is coming from, but this is a person dying, not a wedding/birthday party he is keeping from his brother.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/09/2015 17:05

You're right. I think he should know about his grandmother. Although it sounds like he doesn't keep in contact with your gran either or he would know how ill she is.

And would she like to see him?

amazon75 · 28/09/2015 17:06

Absolutely tell him, now is not the time for holding on to grudges and grievances, whatever the issues.

An estranged family member turned up to my granny's funeral and was welcomed and no issues aired as we all knew this is what my granny would have wanted.

ilovesooty · 28/09/2015 17:07

You're right. He needs to know then how he reacts is his choice.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 28/09/2015 17:08

He has the right to know. When else should he find out? When she's dead? I had a falling out with relatives and wasn't told about a critically ill one. I only found out he was even ill and had died from a Facebook post about his funeral. It felt like a stab in the heart

Original poster
MicronesiaIsMyHome · 28/09/2015 17:12

That is my fear Glitz because there would be a funeral and I would feel awful having to face B.
By the way B has not seen Gran either since he stopped talking to DF but I don't know why. The only reason I can think of is because B did not want to risk bumping into DF as the care home.

OP posts:
DoJo · 28/09/2015 17:20

When you say that your father has 'tried to contact B but to no avail' do you mean about this current situation, or just in the past?

I think he is being a dick and not telling B about Gran is spiteful.
So just tell him - why even involve your other brother?

After talking to my mum today I have decided that I will tell B if A doesn't.

Why don't you or your mum just get in touch with him - you clearly have better relationships with him than either your father or A, so what on earth makes you think it's a good idea for A to be the one to break this news?

Flomple · 28/09/2015 17:20

I'm so sorry that your gran is so ill.

Just tell B. Don't ask or expect A to, he clearly doesn't want to. But you do, so tell him.

silverduck · 28/09/2015 17:26

Why is it up to A to do it, I find it odd that your mother doesn't just get on and do it.

Don't be surprised if B isn't interested though, he hasn't seen her for 5 years.

OurBlanche · 28/09/2015 17:30

If he isn't told you, your mum, dad and A will always be the bad guys who prevented him from saying his goodbyes - in your own minds if not his!

Tell him and let him make his own decision.

Junosmum · 28/09/2015 17:34

B has a right to know. It doesn't really matter who tells him. What would gran want? Will she pass thinking he didn't care rather than didn't have a chance to say goodbye? Also if A is speaking to any of you he won't be when he finds out she died without him being given a chance to say good bye!

Original poster
MicronesiaIsMyHome · 28/09/2015 17:54

DoJo I am not saying that A should tell B but that A is telling myself and DM not to tell B. So this evening DM is going to ask A about it again and tell him that I will talk to B anyway.

I mean that in the past DF has tried to talk to B but gets cut off and even now avoids DF/refuses phone calls etc. He has also cut contact between B's dcs and my DF (their grandfather).
I am sure DF would want B to know.

OP posts:
Bakeoffcake · 28/09/2015 18:08

So you think DF would want your brother to know, you and your mum think the same-so just tell him.

Brother A is being really silly.

OurBlanche · 28/09/2015 18:09

So brother A is stirring up this unfortunate situation?

Stop playing along with it, tell your other brother, do it now!

Grapejuicerocks · 28/09/2015 18:10

You need to tell him.

Would Gran like him to visit?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/09/2015 18:19

When you say DF has tried to contact B to no avail, do you mean in the current circumstances or just in the past? Because DF is the one that matters here. What does he think? Does he want B notified? Because honestly, that's who it should come from.

I wouldn't ask A again. I'd just tell B and present it as a fait accompli. A has no more right to decide who knows what than anyone else does, other than DF.

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/09/2015 18:23

What is A's problem?

Of course you have to tell B, and you don't need anyone's permission to do so.

On the other hand, if you want to drive a far bigger wedge between B and the rest of the family, and pretty ensure he is cut off permanently, then not telling him about DF's mother is surely the way to do it.

Flowers
AcrossthePond55 · 28/09/2015 18:24

Oops, xpost, that's what I get for sitting and not hitting 'post'. If it's OK with DF, then absolutely tell B. And tell A to stuff it.

CassieBearRawr · 28/09/2015 18:27

I would have already told him, brother A be damned. It's then up to B what he does with that information.

Narp · 28/09/2015 18:37

I'm not sure why A has the power of veto here.

You are right

DoJo · 28/09/2015 19:45

I still don't really understand why any of you asked A's opinion on the matter - you think that B should know, so tell him. I also don't really see why your father didn't tell him himself if he is happy for him to be apprised of the situation, but I can only assume that the difficult nature of the circumstances of your grandmother's condition are making you all a bit frazzled. I hope that some good can come out of this situation and that you can come together to support your gran. Best wishes Flowers

CaptainHammer · 28/09/2015 20:05

I'd tell B.
I lost my lovely gran last week so know a little bit how you're feeling. It must be even more difficult with other family members making things awkward Flowers Flowers

MammaTJ · 28/09/2015 20:12

Your DF is the one that B has fallen out with, yet he was trying to contact him.

I would think A should butt out and mind his own business and you should help to do what your DF wants, in helping to let B know what is going on!

Original poster
MicronesiaIsMyHome · 29/09/2015 08:32

Sorry to hear that Captain - we are preparing ourselves for the worst but it would be easier if there wasn't this thing with B and DF. I don't even know if he would go and visit Gran but I have told B and I told A he was wrong to not let him know. So at least everyone knows now.

Gran is still poorly and I am too far away to visit although from what I understand she is asleep due to the medicines for now.

OP posts:
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