Grandparents' dog being put down

[SushiAndTheBanshees]

I've never had a pet, and have absolutely no experience dealing with what happens when they die. My DD, 3.5yo, is really fond of my PILs' dog, she's been there since DD was born, really sweet, affectionate little thing (dog, that is). Dog is getting on and in a bad way, and PILs have made the decision to have her put down.

What on earth do we tell DD? She became obsessed with death this summer when she saw dead flies and spiders lying around, but is obviously way too little to have the first clue what it's all about. DH says we should tell her the dog has gone to a farm for elderly dogs - I think this is going to lead to endless requests to visit the farm. And also I think it's cruel to suggest that loved ones get shipped off when they're old and then, what, just forgotten about?

Equally, I don't want to say the dog has died, that would unleash a whole load of other, potentially more disturbing questions ("mama will you and daddy die too?").

What on earth do we tell her? Unfortunately I have a DC who just can't be fobbed off, it's a real pita. I'd love any advice from anyone who's been there!

Have you read "Goodnight Mog"? It explains the death of a pet incredibly well.

You tell her the truth - the dog is old, its body is worn out, and the vets can't make it better, so it has died. Yes, you'll get all the questions, but you work through those too.

I have a question asking, non fobbed off child, and truthfullness is always the right route, even if you don't want to talk about it.

I would just say the dog's gone to live on a farm, the farm is a long way away and no she can't visit.

She's three. She'll accept it, and she'll forget about it and she'll move on.

(this was done with a nephew of mine - the farm explanation, not sending him to the farm :) He was fine. It was actually the family's own dog, too.)

tiktok completely disagree with you sorry! I am afraid OP you have to tell her the truth in a way that she will understand. death is a very necessary part of life. and children understanding that it is takes away the mysticism of it.

we have always been totally honest with our children. agree that the Mog book is brilliant at explaining this. When they were little we talked about it, found some pictures of the animal and talked about how loved they were. everything has to die and whilst I don't believe in being completely brutal about it, telling lies is definitely not the right way to go.

when they have been our pets, we have always had a little service for them and encouraged the children to talk about any memories they have - the day the guinea pig escaped in the laundry room and got stuck in the snooker table pocket - it lets your little one see this for what it is, something that happens to everything.

Don't use the farm idea. That could make some children worry about being sent away and being unwanted.

Where death is concerned I think the truth, in an age appropriate way, is always the best way.

Have had this with my granddaughters [3 and 4] - when our dog had to be pts and when my MiL's dog died.
I told the truth [checked with DiL and DD first] - dog was very poorly, vet couldn't make her better and they had died. Questions were asked and we tried to answer truthfully, but in an appropriate way. Good bye Mog helps [makes me cry!] and DD said that dog was in heaven.
Yes they do ask awkward questions when are you going to die Grandma? but personally I think honesty is best.

For goodness sake don't use any analogy with sleep or say the dog went to sleep and didn't wake up. That can leave children scared of going to sleep and scared of their parents sleeping too.

Have u heard of the rainbow bridge thing? Could be worth a shot explaining it that way to her

I don't understand why a three year old can't just be told the truth in s very simple way.

We have lost several pets in my children's lifetimes, and sadly a number if relatives, including my DM last year who died s week after DS' fourth birthday.

Animals and people get sick or old and sometimes they die. Pets are actually great preparation for children to potentially lose human loved ones.

The dog is very old and is sick and in pain. The vet sadly can't help to the dog or make it better, so because the dog is in pain, the kindest thing to do us to help the dog die. The vet gives it special medicine and makes the dog dead. We won't see the dog sny more and that's very sad, and it's ok to feel sad and cry because we miss the dog, but we can remember him and talk about him because we loved him.

I think you need to tell her the truth in an age appropriate way.

She is old enough to understand death, and lying to her would be a poor way to handle the situation.

It would be a positive in some ways that her first experience of death is of a dog, rather than a family member.

We had the age appropriate death thing and then came

" so has ironpet gone to heaven?"

To which I said as DM said to me,

"well, ironpet was a good pet, and if there is a heaven for pets ironpet will be there in the Happy Hunting Ground, finally having caught a rabbit. "

Hth

We have just lost one of our dogs and we explained her death to our 3.5 year old and 2 year old children in simple, but truthful terms. We said that the dog had a serious problem in her chest that the vets had tried to fix but couldn't. We explained the difference between serious and everyday illness.
You may have heard of the Rainbow Bridge? It is a place that some dog owners talk about - it is where the dogs go and they wait for their loved ones there. So we said that our dog had died and gone there.

Both children were content with that explanation and we often talk about our lost pet and how much we miss her. They have dealt with it really well. I too was worried that it might cause them to worry that DH and I were going to die, but they haven't at all.

Yy truth in age-appropriate way.

DS was almost 3 when we had a similar situation with our cat. We told him similar to what some POs have written - vet came to help him, he was a bit "finished" (sorry hard to translate, we don't speak English at home). No mention of "put to sleep" or being old or sick because we thought those might worry him.

I also said, many times, "Yes, DCat died. He was a bit "finished" and the vet came to help him. I feel sad, I miss DCat."

DS is now 5 and I would say that our approach has been appropriate for him. He remembers the cat and we talk about him, but there was no worrying about whether we or grandparents were about to die and no fear of sleeping, being old or getting sick. He has been sad about DCat at times. As have I. So I've just repeated the truth, "Yes, I miss DCat. He was a nice cat."

We are not religious so haven't gone there but if you believe in heaven that would be worth mentioning.

Please please don't do the farm thing. You're just delaying the inevitable.

I was going to say the same as Welsh.
My parent's dog died when Dd was 3. I cried telling her, and she was upset both about the dog and about me crying. But I said it was ok to be sad and cry and that after a while we would stop feeling so sad and just think of all the happy things. She's a no-fobbing-off kind of girl too. She asked questions and. I answered as best I could including saying "I don't know" if I didn't.
I said the dog was old and her body had given up working but the bit that made her her, the bit that made her do the things that we loved about her, sometimes people call that bit a soul but whatever you call it it's alive inside us because we loved her a because we remember her. She asked about heaven so I talked about how some people believe in heaven and I asked her what she thought heaven was like. She asked what happened to the dogs fur and bones, so we talked about burials. We lost two more family dogs in the following two years and went through similar but more 'evolved' conversations each time as she got older and had more chance to process it all.
It was fantastic groundwork for this year when my adored grandfather died. While she was upset she took it mostly in her stride but also understood that being sad is part of losing someone so wasn't scared by my tears and already had ideas for where he is now that she could talk about almost immediately.

Introduce it young, and death is, for them, part of life. Which it is. Shield them from it and the shock is much greater when they do have to confront it. Be honest, and also don't think you have to answer every question. We don't really know what happens when someone dies - some people believe in heaven but it's not fact. So explain this and ask what they think? It s a good opportunity to start processing what is an essential and certain pat of life.

Just tell her it died. What's the issue?

My 3 year old is quite interested in death and has asked some questions about cats, bugs etc. We told him the truth as far as possible - that when someone or something has lived for a while they use up their bodies which get worn out and then they die. I think it's the perfect age to explain actually, because they don't seem to extrapolate that out into the questions I was really dreading (do parents die, will he die) and he has accepted death as something that happens, but not yet something that he is worried or sad about.
Personally I didn't really like Goodbye Mog as a) it portrays post-death Mog as a ghost who 'haunts' the family, and b) they get a new kitten who effectively replaces her which I don't think is particularly helpful, but I do know people who have used it as a starting point for the discussion very effectively.

Please don't tell her that the dog has gone to live on a farm. When I was 4, my parents had to put our beloved dog to sleep and told me she'd gone to live on a farm.

Every time we passed a farm for the next five years I kept asking if that was the farm where Nuffy weird cousin named the dog, don't ask went to live and, of course, it never was.

One day when I was 11 I was sitting in class thinking about the dog and it hit me like a sack of sloppy shit that there was no farm, that my parents had put the dog down and lied to me about it. I was hysterical in class and my dad had to come out of work and collect me from school.

To be honest, I'm not sure I've ever really forgiven for lying to me about it.

fivepies Why the bloody hell would you say something like that about Rainbow Bridge?! I've never heard of it before but now I've got tears streaming down my face thinking about hundreds of clapped out old pooches waiting eagerly for years and years for their humans to join them. It must seem like millennia in dog years. Bloody hell!!

You absolutely need to tell her the truth. That the dog got very old and poorly and the vet couldn't make it better, the dog's body stopped working and it died. Then help her remember the dog in an appropriate way - draw a picture or plant flowers in the garden.

Another one here whose parents told me a pet had run away and spent years looking for it every time I went for a walk. Realised years later and felt betrayed.

Just tell the truth , the younger you start dealing with these sort of things the better . I'd steer clear of things like rainbow bridge - stick to facts the dog has had a good life and is ill and has died , everyone is upset because they will miss him but thats what happens .

Our dog died when ds was three. I told him the truth and he still remembers the dog fondly. I think this is how children learn to deal with death - the dead bees and worms are the beginning, dying pets come next...if they're lucky there are quite a few dress rehearsals before at some point in their life it is a grandparent or someone else...you say she's obviously way too little, but she really isn't. Children of that age commonly explore the concept of death and the focus on it that you describe is completely normal.

Studies have shown that children who experience the truth about death of a pet whilst young (under5) have a much better ability to cope with and assimilate the death of family members and friends.
It is surprisingly common for the first reaction to be terrible floods of tears and within 5 minutes to be asking about a new pet. These two emotions can cycle on and off for a period of time.
As a vet I believe that one of the reasons we own pets when we have children is to help them experience death.

Some great ideas here - I now think my farm idea is rubbish :)

Better to tell the truth, explaining gently....horrible to be hit with the truth at a later age when you figure out what 'going to a farm' really means, I can see that :(

Another wobbly lip here over the Rainbow Bridge

That is sadder than thinking it's just dead!

I'm another vet who completely agrees with Lonecat. My own DDs are adult now and have been through dozens of pet deaths. They never had a problem assimilating the information and were never unduly distressed, though we had a few funerals along the way. Two big reasons to tell the truth
A) excellent preparation for the inevitable loss of a friend or relation that will occur some time - you can't say Auntie Jo's gone to a farm, can you?
B) why would you want to lie to your child and have them find out years later that you can't be trusted about important things, as others have said? If the child doesn't care for the pet much then it's not a big deal. If they do then it is very wrong to give them a false idea about what's happened, IMO. One day they will realise and wonder what else you didn't tell the truth about.
Plus, if the dog can just go off to a farm for no reason, what message is that sending about responsible pet ownership?