Grandparents' dog being put down

[SushiAndTheBanshees]

I've never had a pet, and have absolutely no experience dealing with what happens when they die. My DD, 3.5yo, is really fond of my PILs' dog, she's been there since DD was born, really sweet, affectionate little thing (dog, that is). Dog is getting on and in a bad way, and PILs have made the decision to have her put down.

What on earth do we tell DD? She became obsessed with death this summer when she saw dead flies and spiders lying around, but is obviously way too little to have the first clue what it's all about. DH says we should tell her the dog has gone to a farm for elderly dogs - I think this is going to lead to endless requests to visit the farm. And also I think it's cruel to suggest that loved ones get shipped off when they're old and then, what, just forgotten about?

Equally, I don't want to say the dog has died, that would unleash a whole load of other, potentially more disturbing questions ("mama will you and daddy die too?").

What on earth do we tell her? Unfortunately I have a DC who just can't be fobbed off, it's a real pita. I'd love any advice from anyone who's been there!

I've got several little friends waiting for me over Rainbow Bridge ** wipes tears away.

Try the book OP, and see if you have a favourite photo of the doggy and your dd too, she might like it at some point.

Please dont use the farm comment. Just be honest. Dog is old etc. im sorry for your pil dog.

I would tell her the truth - not that it was put down, but that it was very ill and died. Badger's parting gifts is a good book for this sort of thing, agree with Goodbye Mog also. My daughter lost two grandparents when she was just over two and we explained it in those terms.

Time in heaven / rainbow bridge is a fleeting minute, compared to a life time here.

Anyone waiting for us, will think we just need to catch up with them. By the time they turn and see if we are there... We will be.

Another vote for the truth, but simplified version. We've done it with pets and sadly grandparents and its has worked fine. Yes, lots of questions, again, honest simple answers all the way.

We lost our dog a year ago. Dd was just three but very switched on. At this age their imaginations are too vivid. You have to be honest. I got some advice from a bereavement charity on what to say (same as suggestions above). I am so sorry. I didn't expect losing our dog to impact on us so much!

OP my dog died just before i turned four and I remember my mum crying after he was put down. She told me the truth that our dear old dog had been ill and he had died. No stories, no tall tales just the truth and I was happy with that. According to my mum it created a bit of maturity in me that she had seen before. It didn't scar me for life and I don't dwell on it lol. Some people might think what she did was a bit but I think we sugar coat things a bit these days when the truth is simple and can be a learning experience. I'm fully prepared that people might that IABU but I genuinely don't. A gentle chat and you'll find it's not as bad as you think

Please just tell her the dog died.

Coming from someone who has had to break the news of the death of 2 grandparents in the same year, it is better that you tell the truth in a prettier way if needs be.
Gramp's heart was very ill and the doctors couldn't fix the ill bit but they tried very hard and we'll miss him lots. That sort of thing.
Perhaps say that the dog was hurting so by being PTS they don't have the hurt anymore,and that we are lucky that we can make the decision to PTS for pets so the hurt is gone. Don't hide the truth.

Thanks for all the replies and what seems to be quite clear and consistent advice. Perhaps the upside of having a child who can't be fobbed off is that I think she will also be able to accept reality - I think, well hope, that this will just be a fact of life for her (in the way that it never has been for me, and sees me bawling like a baby at the slightest hint of sentimentality).

Poor thing. She's going to miss the dog massively. I just don't know how pet owners can put themselves through this...

It might be worth reassuring her that sadness and tears are normal, both so she feels ok to show sadness but also so she doesn't freak when you cry (if you cry). It was certainly the first time my dd had seen me properly upset. Both when I broke the news and a couple of nights later when I found her staring out of her bedroom window after dark using binoculars to try and see the star the dog was living on now ......

It's also worth preparing yourself for the fact that she might not cry or be upset. Many children take a while to grasp the finality of death and are more interested than saddened by the concept, so don't worry that she hasn't 'got it' or is repressing her feelings if she doesn't seem as upset as you might expect. I would also be prepared for her to keep asking about it - when my son learned about his grandparents' cat dying he asked 'why did Ginger die' quite a few times over the weeks after his demise - we just repeated that he had had a long life and worn his body out until it wasn't working any more and he was fine with that, but like any topic, they like to have their understanding confirmed periodically.

Agree that sometimes it takes children a little while to realise what death means. so she might not cry or be upset immediately but this might come a little later when she goes over to their house and the dog isn't there and all the trappings of the dog - like the bed and the bowl have also gone.

we have always tried to have a healthy attitude to death as we live in rural area and have many "outdoor" type pets like chickens. all of my kids have seen their pets when they are dead to show that there is nothing mysterious, they don't look different they are just still. We have never pushed this upon them we have waited for them to ask. My DS's beloved guinea pig died in a blanket on his lap. he looked up and said that she suddenly felt lighter and he knew she had gone. very moving and not forgotten.

The truth is best. In my family we have always faced it head on with children whether it's a person or a pet. It's upsetting but it's less traumatic in the long run.