To be worried my support group has a troll?

[OnThePrittStick]

I need to change some of the details as it's sensitive. I belong to a ptsd type support group online. Met some fantastic people. There is a regular poster for last 18 months who had something awful happen to her and she has received a lot of support and advice, as well as contributing to the group

but- her life continues to unravel in the most terrible way on a weekly basis. There have been multiple freak fatal accidents, strange life threatening illnesses, a break up, a new partner, a wedding, a divorce, a baby, custody issues, bullying and domestic violence. Obviously I can't describe in detail but it is always so very extreme, sudden and odd.

And look- I know people's lives can totally unravel like this (mine is close to eastenders territory often), I am by no means sheltered but something just feels very 'off' about it all.

I'd never confront her because there is obviously the very real chance that this poor woman really HAS had the most appalling life circumstances and if so I want only to support her. But I read the posts where other people give so much time and emotional energy to her while dealing with immense problems of their own, that I just can't help but worry she might be a fake.

No idea what to do. Probably leave it yes? The risk of devastating someone who may be going through a complete shitstorm and making her feel like leaving the group are probably too great. I just really feel anxious about it all.

Sadly yes, some people do have lives like this, so she may not be fake. However I understand your concern, particularly as all those offering support in the group will also be dealing with a lot themselves. Is there anyone who is admin for the group? Can you have a quiet word to them, outlining your concerns and see what they think?

Can't you report one of her posts to admin of the group and ask them to look into it.

And stop posting on her threads for now.

I got caught out years ago on another parenting site. The drama went on for more than 2 years. How she got outed was she posted a picture of her last surviving child and in the background the plug socket was the two pin type they use in USA. She didn't notice that when she copied and pasted someone else's picture.

I don't know about this- I was questioned by so called friends when I was going through a awful time it was one thing after another and a friend questioned me and said she couldn't understand it.
I wanted support but felt like she was collecting evidence- I stopped being so open with her after that.
Don't push too hard you may push this person away altogether.

Be careful.

There was once a thread on here that I posted on regularly. As things began to unravel, I was on the point of calling Troll - it just seemed that everything hit this poor poster so unbelievably.

Thankfully I did not. I continued to support.

This thread ended tragically, it still haunts me to this day, but at least none of us trying to help and support felt the guilt of abandoning the OP in her hour of greatest need.

If you feel uncomfortable, step away from the thread.

It is difficult though.....

I suppose you can only take on board what is often mentioned here and only give what you are able to give, emotionally. Blank her out if she's setting off your radar.

And I agree, if you can, raise your suspicions with a group admin, even if you frame it as saying that you're having a hard time taking in the sheer amount of everything that's going on in her life, so need to take a back seat when it comes to supporting her because you honestly can't find anything to give .

Would any of these incidents have made the local or even national news? Could you do a little bit of 'soft' research on websites of local papers etc to ascertain the likelihood of all these things happening? It seems like a hugely difficult situation - you don't want to accuse anyone who is genuinely suffering, but at the same time you don't want to expose others to someone who might not be all they seem.

This is a really tough one.

I knew someone like this, in a similar online environment, and she turned out to be a complete bullshitter who wanted endless attention. It caused a LOT of hurt.

I second highlighta's suggestion of getting admin to look into it, and not posting on her threads til they've sniffed out if she's genuine or not.

I've also been on the other side. I had an entire heap of shit piled on my family and friends at once, and I suppose to an outsider it really seemed quite unbelievable. Mind you, when shit really hit the fan, I tended to not post about it straight away - I needed time to process it all. I always find it a bit strange when people immediately post about really traumatic stuff, like they're employed by bloody Reuters.

DoJo yes there's a chance they would have made the news, I haven't tried to do that yet but could help. I will approach admins too, thank you all for advice

DoJo's suggestion is also really good.

Can you cross reference her previous posts? I've been on a forum where a troll lived, she had a hardcore set of supporters who'd back her up during the frequent arguments but there was little definite proof. But she started to let things slip slightly and a lot of little niggles turned into massive blunders.

She flounced and ended up on a cancer support forum. I have no idea whether she was lying about that and have no wish to find out.

Cross reference and query admin. Admin usually have a nose for this type of thing and they may already have doubts.

truth is stranger than fiction - having had my life unravel and a multitude of things happen at once I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

I would be wary to call troll. My life is currently worse than an eastenders plot line and if I posted half of it I'm sure people would be about it.

Life really can be that shit and shit keeps rolling on down that hill gaining momentum and getting bigger

I knew someone like this in real life. It was when she claimed she had cancer that it became obvious she was lying.

Good suggestions here. Just wanted to also say that a lot of people who are posting to others about their problems online will have a motive for helping another person, and it might in some way be also helping them. I always feel when we post on mn that people (including me) have an agenda when "helping". It helps us sort some of our own stuff out. Trolling and fantasy unfortunately will happen online, and I think that we have to be aware of the possibility of multiple realities, that's just part of the online world. You may have quite sensibly reached a point where you can't engage with her any more. But others members are still happy to engage and they may be getting something out of that.

I think the key to this is that you feel something doesn't ring true. Sadly, awful things do happen to people in shovel loads sometimes, so it is really hard. As you say, you don't want to call her out on it if she is really going through hell... But if you feel she's abusing the goodwill of others it might be wise to have a word with the admins.

I was in a support group like this once, and someone joined with a seemingly legit reason. She had a sad history, adoption but upsetting contact with birth family, disability in the family and a caring role, a weird relationship, a load of bereavements, a wedding, a baby, a still birth amongst a host of other dramas. I'm not sure we ever did work out how much, if any of it, was true.

Contact admin.

I used to go on a forum for people who kept lizards (!) and there was a woman there who was constantly having terrible things happen to her.

She claimed that she had been beaten up in a pub; that she had to go to court on a serious charge of which she was innocent; that her house had been destroyed in a landslide. She also claimed to have a serious neurological disorder.

All bollocks. However, she was only outed after people had, out of great kindness, had a whip round for her and given her a large amount of money to help her get back on her feet.

She was finally caught out by claiming that she had had an attack of her 'neurological disorder' whilst getting out of her car and had been rescued by the police. However, people with that condition are not allowed to drive and she could not (legally) hold a driving license.

Also, the details of the landslide and the court cases did not tally with anything in the local news or court cases in her area.

She was outed and promptly disappeared - she did not repay any of the money given her. Shocking.

It wouldn't be the first time. I've belonged to groups inky to find out later that someone was a troll. I'm in a group at the moment where it's pretty obvious that someone isn't quite all they seem.

In that case, I just make sure I never post on her threads and don't get involved in the drama. I know I'm not the only one who has their suspicions, but we're letting it run its course.

my brother's life unravelled in an incredible fashion 7 years ago. he's okay now, and finally seeking help for the long term damage it has done.

I'd hate to think that anyone would disbelieve him. this is why trolls are so despicable. they make people suspicious of people who are really in need of support.

This happened to me; same set up as in online support group. It was a smallish group of about 30 members, about 10 of which were very active, sharing lots of details (not related to the "support" issue) photos of kids/house etc. We were all regular posters but the active ones could have contributed 20+ posts per day, really friendly and supportive. We looked at each other as real friends despite the fact that we were all over the world.

Anyhow one had a stillborn baby which obviously featured a lot at the time, and for months afterwards. I'm not sure how it was suspected but it turned out that one person was playing the "role" of six posters, so all of the deaths/hospital appointments/traumas etc were all fake. People were especially upset at the fake stillborn baby as we had all been really upset at the time. This person was posting hundreds of times a day under different names, and everyone lost trust in each other and the group dissolved.

At the end of the day an online group is a potential smokescreen for anyone. Sometimes it is hard to accept that not everyone is who they say they are. Be wary OP but don't accuse anyone until you are certain.

I also know someone like this in real life. Everyday there are FB posts about some disaster or another. Recently she claimed that her mother commited suicide in a local tourist spot, but when I checked it out there was nothing on the news. Lots of things she says are very far fetched and I nod/smile/support but don't take her word as the gospel truth.

If you google 'Munchausen by internet' you will find that people making up illnesses in online support groups is a well known internet phenomena. As said upthread it isn't hard to do a bit of digging and the stories do unravel eventually. On the other hand when I was an admin on an active board there was one story that I thought couldn't be true and as I did know someone who lived in the very remote area that the interesting character lived in I did give her a call and it was all true. Knock me down with a feather.

Does it really matter if they are a fake? I would stop responding to their comments, questions, incidents in detail or with great feeling if I was in doubt and just leave it there. Its an online forum, this is part of that world that you have to accept happens. But at the end of the day, if you don't feed them, you can step back and just let them get on with being a troll or otherwise without it affecting you.

Does it really matter if they are a fake?

I think if one person has an inkling or suspicion, it can be really hard to see others providing support and advice to a person that they think might not be genuine. That's why we so often see the MN warning about opening up to people online who might not be genuine, because being taken in by a troll can result in huge emotional upheaval and long-term consequences for those who believe they are helping someone.

just let them get on with being a troll or otherwise without it affecting you.

As a member of a support group for people who are already suffering, many people find it hard to watch others being taken in if they are concerned that a poster may not be all they seem.

If you google 'Munchausen by internet' you will find that people making up illnesses in online support groups is a well known internet phenomena.

When our troll was discovered I did a bit of googling and apparently there is a sliding scale of this type of behaviour; the highest level being faking the death of a child :-(

I was on a forum where someone had a very ill child, she was in and out of hospital and every time we thought she was getting better there was another set back (additional unrelated illness, infection, that sort of thing).

Someone kindly went to give the child a present, when she turned up at hospital there was no one of that name or description there, when challenged the poster disappeared.

It is an awful thing to do, I certainly agree with that. But people need to understand that anonymous people on the Internet need to be treated differently to people in real life. There is always the possibility they are misrepresenting either purposefully of not. You don't have any physical cues or context or even background knowledge of a person with which to judge if they are worthy of their confidences. You do get however anonymity yourself which can be very valuable. I sometimes wonder if our generation is the guinea pig generation for learning how to separate online from real life and protect ourselves both practically and emotionally. But my point is that with these online support groups, we still need to keep some distance and recognise them for what they are.