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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a bit weird - sorry another mil one!

60 replies

Maisy313 · 26/09/2015 22:30

Went for a meal with dh extended family, popped to the loo for a minute or so, later in the evening I saw a photo of the whole family at the dinner table on FB and asked when it happened, MIL said 'oh I asked the waiter to take it when you were in the toilet' I have had two of her grandchildren so feel a bit odd that I'm still excluded from these things... It sort of made me lol in my head as she must have had to of been so quick, but can just never imagine my mum behaving like that. I'm very much expected to arrange their bday / Mother's Day presents (mil messages to remind me) yet they don't acknowledge my bday, just dh and grandchildren. I know this is all 100% pathetic but just gives me a slightly off feeling...

OP posts:
SoreArms · 26/09/2015 22:31

It would me too. Is she normally like this? Does she usually look to exclude you?

SoreArms · 26/09/2015 22:32

At occasions like that I meant

Murloc · 26/09/2015 22:32

Yanbu - it is weird. And rude!

What did your DH say about it?

YouTheCat · 26/09/2015 22:33

It's not pathetic. It shows a shocking lack of respect for you.

Stop arranging presents for them. That is your dh's job. Let them have a few years of shit, badly thought out presents.

JobobeanHo · 26/09/2015 22:33

Yanbu. My dp's family make me feel like this. It's relatively small things that you feel too petty to bring up but they all add up to making you feel excluded and not a real part of the family. It sucks. At least that's how it is for me. I imagine it's similar for you.

MakeItACider · 26/09/2015 22:35

Wow, she's really something, isn't she?!

When your MIL messages you to remind you about presents, reply with 'I'll pass your message onto DH', and leave it at that.

HodgePodge23 · 26/09/2015 22:35

Yanbu, that's rude. Your partner should have told her to wait until you were back.

Curiouserandcuriouser30 · 26/09/2015 22:35

YANBU, I would be upset too. That is so rude!

Prettyeyedpiratesmile · 26/09/2015 22:35

OP she's not even worth the worrying about. She sounds like a right piece of work. I'm having MIL issues the moment in the sense that she either prefers me or my sister in law and when one of us is flavour of the month the other is completely bombed out. I'm really closd to my own mother so it leaves me a bit Hmm I'm just polite to her and sleep her at arms length for my own sanity.

I'd rise above the picture incident. You're better than that.

Floggingmolly · 26/09/2015 22:36

Awful. But why didn't your dh just say "oh, let's wait for Maisy, she'll be back in a sec"? Did he notice what she'd done?

TheSkiingGardener · 26/09/2015 22:37

Wow, that takes a special kind of nasty

NotYouNaanBread · 26/09/2015 22:37

Was your husband at the table? And didn't say "Wait! Maisy's not here - let's wait 3 mins"?

You can't change that she's a bitch, but you can stop being a doormat about it. Call your husband out on it, and tell him that it stops here. You are no longer an intermediary, and if she can't include you after so many years of marriage and 2 children, then it's deeply odd of her, but also her prerogative (who knew there were two r's in prerogative??).

Regarding the presents and so on, STOP NOW. And when MIL messages you, you reply "I'm afraid I can't help this year - I have a lot on this week/month/rest of life - you should message Mr Maisy about this sort of thing, because, after all, it's his family! lol. Bye!!"

That was a sarky lol, btw.

TheCatsMother99 · 26/09/2015 22:37

Next time you all go out for a meal make sure you take a pic as soon as she's in the bog. Tit for tat and all that.

Lunastarfish · 26/09/2015 22:38

Yeah it's weird.

I went for an afternoon tea with my PIL & sils recently. DP wasn't there. I was invited even though they knew DP couldn't make it. Whenever I have been to family meals before PIL have kindly insisted on paying. However, at this Mil turns to me and says my share is £15 and she paid for everyone else (!) Now I don't expect them to pay but had assumed they would due to previous experience but it does make me feel as though I'm not family which I find weird as I'm expected to go to All family get together (including mothers & fathers days), have recently had their grandchild and been moaned at for not coming to a recent do as they wanted a family get together Confused. Some people are just odd.

NeededANameChangeAnyway · 26/09/2015 22:38

You MIL messages you to arrange her mothers day present?? She messages you??

That is weird.

Waiting until you pop to the loo to take a family photo is mean and petty.

Doesn't your DH notice this bizarre behaviour?

Original poster
Maisy313 · 26/09/2015 22:38

Thank you all, yes it definitely feels symptomatic of wider issues. We are supposed to be going there for Christmas but I just feel like saying no. I always feel a bit down after seeing them, she makes a few comments that chip at my confidence a bit, nothing extreme but gentle put downs.

OP posts:
cosytoaster · 26/09/2015 22:39

I'm very much expected to arrange their bday / Mother's Day presents (mil messages to remind me) yet they don't acknowledge my bday Shock - sod that, tell her to message DH and remind him in future.

YADNBU

Salmiak · 26/09/2015 22:40

It's weird. What does your dh say about it? Maybe he should start texting them near your birthday/Christmas with present suggestions they could get you

catfordbetty · 26/09/2015 22:42

You should have asked the waiter to take another pic using your phone and then posted it to your FB. Point made.

NeededANameChangeAnyway · 26/09/2015 22:43

Weird and petty MILs make me sad. Mine is lovely and I hope one day I will be lovely. These oddballs who go out of their way to make their DILs feel like they are not part of the family are exceptionally cruel.

I'd stop sorting the presents straight away and I'd be having a frank conversation with DH asking for support.

Original poster
Maisy313 · 26/09/2015 22:45

Sorry for fairness sake I should state that she messages about FIL events rather than her own, and just reminds me of the dates, she doesn't send gift suggestions but the message is pretty clear! I find the relationship so odd, I just never know where I am with them...

OP posts:
Parrish · 26/09/2015 22:45

Time to stand up for yourself. Your children will be watching this awful behaviour and thinking its ok to treat you like this. Give them a positive role model.

YouTheCat · 26/09/2015 22:46

Tell your dh that you won't be going there for Christmas. If he wants to spend time with the miserable old farts, he can go on his own and relive his childhood. So you're expected to sit there whilst they open presents you have bought for them, while they give you nothing?

Have a nice, relaxed Christmas with your kids. Eat whatever you like. Watch what you want on the tv.

Original poster
Maisy313 · 26/09/2015 22:49

I couldn't find my phone at one point and she said to my son twice 'mummy needs someone to look after her', when I told her the cost of Childcare she said 'why don't you just give up your job' ummmm maybe because I have worked at my career for 10 years and am not earning dissimilar amounts to your son! Along with the usual 'you look exhausted' comments. Never once have they been able to acknowledge I have a job, despite numerous long conversations about dh. They are very 1950s... Are these comments weird or am I being sensitive? I'm seriously loosing perspective on what's normal...

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 26/09/2015 22:52

They are weird.

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