To have confronted these boys?

[I8toys]

Where to begin. My son is in year 8 and the start to this school year has been rough.

History - My son is a sensitive, a little hot headed (no idea where he gets it from) but is generally well liked by adults and peers. Had problems with one boy all through primary with name calling etc - I use the term bullying lightly. This boy was also complained about at primary by other parents. So was well known to be a trouble maker. Unfortunately at high school this same boy was in most classes with my son. I just told my son to be friends with him even though no-one else wanted to know him.

He started playing tricks on my son to try and get him into trouble - saying the teacher wants you when he didn't etc. Just told him to ignore it. They started hanging around with another boy and they would come to our house to play xbox and go to the others. I admit my son gets heated when playing games and can be a bad loser but the other two would wind him up and he would end up leaving.

Now yr 8 they have changed form and are no longer in most classes together. That's okay and I appreciate that as they get older they find people with similar interests and drift apart. But my son stuck up for someone this boy and others were excluding recently. They all then turned on my son. My husband is a teacher and says that this type of behavior from boys is unusual in that this is the type of behavior girls usually use. He went to speak to school- not to name names but just to ask if a PSHE lesson could be held on bullying and exclusion.

I noticed a change in his behavior - he was snappy, irritated and missing lunch at school. He started going to school later and dragging his feet to get there. He told me they had been excluding him from the group, name calling, ignoring him. I said it would settle down and to ignore them.

However they keep waiting for him in a group in the alleyway on the route to school. They don't need to as they can walk a more direct route but they do this to antagonize him and they pull away all the kids my son is walking with so he is on his own.

I followed him without his knowledge on Friday. Saw them in a group of 4 waiting at the top of the hill. They were name calling and making chicken noises and started to run away when they saw him. Well that was it I saw red and shouted at them. I was angry and I was about 6ft away.

I asked them what they were waiting for. The one that we have had the problems was is the mouthpiece - the others couldn't look me in the eye. Waiting for such and such. I said rubbish. You are picking on my son - leave him alone. They then mentioned a text which my son had sent them that included swear words when he had left their house one time after they had been playing xbox. They were threatening to show me it and I said I'd seen it and the only reason he said those words were because 2 of you were picking on him.

It sounds so stupid written down but I cried this week over it and its something I never do. I know they need to sort it out amongst themselves but it never ends - they are always falling out and arguing. My son doesn't go out anymore because when they do someone is always excluded. I think I did it to bring an end to their friendship and get my son to move on. Flame away if you are still reading this.

Should say the understanding parent has contacted me to try and move on. Not the other one.

to you Op. I remember watching from an upstairs window while a group of boys ran away from the my ds1, shouting names and insults as they did. My poor ds just walked along with his head down. He was 12 at the time. I was gutted so I know how you felt. I called the mum of one boy who I'd known for years and told her how upset I was. She started shouting at me, saying what a difficult boy my son was because he was argumentative and stubborn. I was a bit confused because it hadn't been an issue when her ds had accepted the many invitations to days out, sleepovers he'd had from us. Ds isn't an easy kid but that doesn't justify a group of kids making fun of him, just as your ds's temper doesn't justify what these boys are doing. Anyway this behaviour went on for a few months. It was hurtful and the school were absolutely useless. It really only got better when ds started to hold his head up high and rise above their behaviour. It is much easier said than done though.

We have some very sad stories to share about this. The damage done at school stays with us all our lives.

I will always try the best for both my children as much as I can - trying not to shout too much!!

I totally understand your position, I suffered at school and my confidence is in pieces still. I also worry about this for my kids, kids can be horrible. My kids are still small but I'm hoping they will have more confidence due to a better home life and I won't be too sensitive to every little incident because of my experience.

This reminds me of something from school. I stuck up for a friend who was being threatened. They left her alone and started on me. The reason they left me alone was because I blurted out to the teacher and in front of one - the one who'd caused it as the others were her two older "heavies" - that he had to sort her out because she was threatening me. When in the classroom he bollocked me, but she didn't know that so got scared off. He did later apologise but didn't "sort her out" or whatever I actually said. But it was enough luckily but horrifying how teachers don't take threats or bullying seriously. Nipping it in the bud and coming down hard on such behaviour is essential. Not all 12/13 yr olds don't have the maturity to resolve conflict on their own and its in the bully's interest to stop this behaviour, they won't get anywhere in life threatening people with violence. Sadly more and more parents refuse to believe their child can do wrong and they are doing them no favours.

I have said this before, the girls who bullied my daughter went to high school with the big I AM attitude, snide remarks, pushing shoving, ruiened her reputation before the first week was out. DD stood strong, and followed my advise to ignore, dont lash out, and these girls would be proved liars, even had their older brothers chase her home with threats i wont repeat, (bastards). These girls have gone one to fall.out, have no one to sit by at lunch as the others have worked out what nasty witches they are. Nobody has come out of it smelling of roses... and YES i blame the teachers, they could have stopped it, they could have used their anti bullying policy, their behaviour policy, and made a difference. They chose to ignore it. Thank god senior school took things seriously and gave DD the knowledge that they had her back, and implimented those policies effectively. Tell your hubby he has the power to make a difference to a childs life and hes choosing not to.

Sally glad your daughter stood strong and tackled it.

I agree I think that schools can do so much more and with parents onside. It has to be a no tolerance attitude.

I remember when I was I year 8, a girl a couple of years older started picking on me for absolutely not reason. She didn't know me or anything. She lived nearby and started calling me a tart one day because I had shorts and a top on in the summer . Then is school she tried to trip me up and her friends started saying stuff. I told my dad who followed her home one night, knocked on her door and informed her parents.

I got apologies from her and her friends and they left me alone after. It could have gone either way tbh but I was so grateful for my dad sorting it out.

When I was year 11-13 I got picked on by a boy in my year. It was awful. I was going through a rough time anyway which was fairly well known and he was an utter utter cunt to me for 3 years. I've never forgotten it and he hugely damaged my self esteem, not that there was much anyway.

I think with bullies, softly softly is not the way to go. I'm keeping a close on my DS atm. He is only 7 but a couple of 'friends' are being pretty horrible then being friends with him when they feel like it and ditching him and being mean when they don't. This week it has started to get a bit physical so as soon as DS tells me of one more incident I will be up the school. One of the little shits was laughing at 3 year old DD last year and making her do things so they could laugh at her. She thought it was a game and was going along with it but I could see different. I stopped him in his tracks one day with a single look and I told DS to pass it on that I'd be in to the head if they did it again. Thankfully it stopped but they don't seem to realised that I will be on them like a ton of bricks if they carry this on with DS. Can't abide bullies and I will let them know that they won't get away with it.

CrapBag I really think what we have experienced affects how we deal with our kids. Whether this is good or bad I don't know but I am sure we will try our best to try and deal with issues as they arise. I can't turn a blind eye its not in my nature.

Don't take this the wrong way, but handling it the way you did isn't constructive, even though I see where you're coming from.

The message you've sent to the other parents is that you can and will shout at their son about his part in it. But you'll be the one to deal with your sons part in it with the texts etc.

I do understand the other lads part in it was bigger, so I'm genuinely not having a go at you. But I'm guessing the other lad has told his parents about your son being a sore loser and shown them the texts, and probably admitted to having a two sided fall out. Then said 'and then ops ds got his dad to tell school we were bullying him' when he's sent these rude texts but won't say it to my face. So we were calling him a chicken and op came and shouted at me like it was all my fault.

I'm not saying that's the full story, but either way it's what the other parents are likely to believe. Especially as you've proved it in their eyes by saying your sons part in it is nothing to do with them. I think at this meeting you do need to start off by admitting it wasn't the best way to deal with it. And be equally prepared to have your sons part openly criticised. Because if the other lads parents are onboard it will be much quicker and easier to sort out. Then if they still won't play ball you've at least tried the easy route.

Thanks Lurked I appreciate your comments,

The text was two boys against my son - saying we're this and we're that...and it was goading. I have told my son his behaviour is not acceptable. He is quite naïve and wears his heart on his sleeve.

The thing is the text happened in end July. They all came to his racing birthday party early September and came to my house so if it was that bad would they have come?

It was bad that you invited them. More amunition tbh. He.needs new friends - real ones that look out for him.

I honestly don't mean that's the correct version of events, and it is evenly two sided, just that I suspect that the other lads parents will be coming from that angle and therefore on the defensive, rather than 'right, it's not acceptable for our son to bring a whole group of friends into it or lie in ambush waiting for him'. Maybe they are a pair of arses who wouldn't see anything wrong if you provided cctv of him committing armed robbery, but I think getting them to step in to solve it is worth a shot first.

I had no idea about the text until it was brought up last week. And tbh I was more upset about sons terrible spelling. I was trying to include everyone and not exclude anyone.

In hindsight I know it was the wrong thing to invite them but as far as I was concerned they were friends at that point.

They have used the text from July this week as ammunition as threatened my son with it I'll tell your mum you swore sort of thing. But I saw it and it was just ridiculous kid talk.

Op. Don't beat yourself up. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. But you've made it clear all round you and your son is not to be messed with. I think you were brave and did brilliantly. I wish I had a Mum.like you. Yes, we can all be civil but sometimes, it doesn't hurt to be assertive and say it's not acceptable. Well done you. In life, you need to be strong and assertive even if it doesn't go to plan but you have at least to try.

[As someone who grew up on a drug fueled council estate with unemployment at 90% and whose kids were regularly bulllied, if not knifed. I know, completely different to your situation but you give strength to your son and he'll remember it and have it fit life. It's about survival and I applaud you.]

Thank you Cookie - it means a lot. My son has said he is proud of me for telling them off.

And please, please realise that its ok to leave kids out if they cant be nice, its ok to just invite real.people who you want to share your life with. Those that bring positives. (Strangely. I did the same with Dd bully, she was upset and i asked Dd to include her... and she turned .. some kids just arent nice)

I understand Sally - its just not in my nature to do that. But I am going to do that from now on - it has to happen for my son's sake. We all need to move past it.

My mother and father really let us down when me and my darling sister were young.

We were bullied unmercilessly through primary and secondary school, and no, I'm not a stronger person for it (& my sister is no more). We came home and unburdened our hearts about the terror and powerlessness, and they did sod all.

My mother especially had no advice, no guidance, no support, no protection, just echoed and amplified by her own fears and was often silent exactly when she shouldnt have reassured - when we asked why it was happening, why were we so different, so ugly, so unaccepted. Now I have my own children I realise all the ways in which my mother was a deeply flawed and rather revolting human, but this is one of the moments k can't quite be the bigger person about. The silent agreement about our weirdness, and the pretended powerlessness of herself to step up and be a parent, an adult, a human...

If at any time she'd stood up for us, showed us that we were worth it, that someone cared enough to step in... That things could be changed and changed. That would have changed our lives and self belief.

I eventually snapped and thumped one of the bullies in the stomach - a group of them started to take the piss out of my sisters full body torso cast, first day back after horrible disfiguring surgery. I just lost it - you know, that protective urge that you have when you're loved ones are being hurt (you know, like the one the OP felt?!). Anyway, it wouldn't have hurt at all, as he was massive and sporty, and I was waif like and had no idea how to even form a fist - I suspect it was pathetic actually, but it shocked the hell out of him and others, and that group, they never picked on my sister again. Steered silently around her, a slightly respectful 'not to be touched' meter in between them and her - now How weird was that! One show of anger and that was it.

So, sorry another lengthy memory, but relating it to your problem... I think you can be kinder to yourself about flipping out. It's natural and excusable if it's a one off momentary flip out - it's more natural than my parent's cowardice and detachment, even if that was based around my mothers own pathetic fears. So followed up by sensible communication and planning, it's fine. You showed your son that he's not alone. And thats a good thing. What rings more alarm bells is your husbands 'professional' opinion that doing nothing is a helpful strategy.

:)

I agree that our own experiences shape how we deal with things. I grew up with my GPs and my nan is incredibly passive and won't say anything to anyone, no matter how badly they behave. I told her I was cutting myself as a teen (a desperate cry for help) and she just said "ooo you shouldn't do that" I think she just has no idea how to deal with certain things. As an adult I have had counselling and both she and my DGD said they are not surprised I needed it (many issues from early childhood) but given how closed they are and how nobody ever speaks up, I never knew they thought I needed profession help.

I am utterly determined not to be this way and I will let my children know that I have their backs at all times. I want them to know that I will stand up for them.

I don't think you did anything wrong at all OP, I would like to have done the same although I am a bit of a wimp so not sure if I could. Your DS swearing at them in a text and not liking to lose is hardly comparable to their behaviour.

'Flame away'? I think you were restrained. You didn't even swear at them? I must be getting less tolerant in my middle age - this is the third thread I've read this evening where I think 'Just kick their little shitting heads in'. Thank God my child-rearing years are over...