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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have got upset about this

33 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 25/09/2015 20:41

To frame this - my bmi is 20 so I'm fairly slim.

I went to an event with dp and there was a really nice photo of us there, loads if people said how lovely we looked etc. Was at my (overweight!!) mums yesterday and showed her, the only thing she had to say was "oh didn't bother with Spanx then?" I'm critical of myself and I can't see a bulge.
I've had food issues since I was 15 and got really upset and she thinks I was being daft and it was constructive critism.

Aibu to think it was a horrible bitchy thing to say!

OP posts:

alicemalice · 25/09/2015 20:44

YANBU

TeamBacon · 25/09/2015 20:45

Sounds like your mum's projecting her own issues onto you

Autumnnights1 · 25/09/2015 20:46

YANBU, think a lot of "projection" was going on there.

Autumnnights1 · 25/09/2015 20:46

Snap "Team"

Tiptops · 25/09/2015 20:47

YANBU.

What a horrible thing to say to your own daughter

Aeroflotgirl · 25/09/2015 20:48

My mum is exactly the same, I have been trying to loose weight, and do 45 mins of cardio kickboxing a day, and have slimmed. My mum keeps making digs about my weight and it does get me down.

lotsoffunandgames · 25/09/2015 20:48

Yanbu, that is an odd remark for any normal person to make about someone's picture. You look nice or something to that effective is better!
Sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your mum perhaps? Just tell her that in future you don't need comments about your physical appearance unless you ask for her opinion.

SausageSmuggler · 25/09/2015 20:51

YANBU, what a spiteful thing to say!
I was an overweight teenager and finally shifted it all by my 21st birthday. At the party my (obese) aunt told me I had a fat arse. Lovely.

TendonQueen · 25/09/2015 20:52

Even if you were overweight, that would be a rude and spiteful remark. As it is it's also clearly about her, not you! I wish you'd said 'Why would I, I don't need them!' Has she made comments like this before?

DoJo · 25/09/2015 20:52

Why do you think you have had food issues since you were 15? Could it be anything to do with the way your mother talks to you? It sounds like she is hyper-critical and lacking any tact or sensitivity, so YANBU to get upset, but YABU to scrutinise the picture based on her rude and un-called for comment! What would happen if you spoke to her the way she speaks to you?

YouTheCat · 25/09/2015 20:53

For her next birthday get her a weight watchers ready meal and this .

TeamBacon · 25/09/2015 20:55

Cat

Original poster

lastqueenofscotland · 25/09/2015 20:55

Thanks all.
It devistated me- without wanting to sound like a drip feeder it took a lot of guts to wear the dress in question, I bought it a year ago and hadn't worn it since I tried it on, and finally thought sod it and wore it and got loads of nice comments about it. And then that.

She does it a lot. Makes little digs about weight/shape yet if I ever mention I'm thinking about losing a bit for someone's wedding/a holiday "oh don't do that you don't need to do that etc" and she's a real feeder.

We get on really well but she's just can't say anyrhingn nice about my appearance. If I stay there before work it's always "are you looking as smart as you could be" etc. Grumble.

OP posts:

Junosmum · 25/09/2015 20:55

My mum said a very similar thing when I was 18, I was technically slightly underweight at the time!

LoopiusMaximus · 25/09/2015 20:59

Yanbu, I would never say that to anyone especially my dd. This is exactly how eating disorders begin - it takes one stupid, thoughtless comment. It really was an awful comment to make and there was absolutely no need for it especially if dm is aware of your food issues. Weight related 'critisism' is rarely constructive especially in your situation. It sounds like you have no need to wear Spanx anyway and as strange as this sounds, I think your dm is jealous. Put it out of your mind. X

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 25/09/2015 20:59

Focus on all the lovely comments you got, and try not to let one negative comment blot them out.

My mum called me 'hefty' - I was 6ft tall with a 27 inch waist, wish I was that hefty now! God knows what goes through their minds.

FartemisOwl · 25/09/2015 21:00

YANBU and don't pay any attention. My gran (maysherestinpeace) used to comment on how fat I'd got every twenty minutes whenever she saw me. In the end, deciding that nobody could affect my feelings unless I chose to let them was a good way to go.

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 25/09/2015 21:02

A BMI of 20 is very slim, I cannot imagine that you needed Spanx. (I don't think anybody needs spanx, but that's just me.) Your mum isn't seeing things clearly. Take no notice of her.

SoleBizzzz · 25/09/2015 21:04

Perhaps she meant you're a bit more relaxed about your body?

triathlon · 25/09/2015 21:04

YANBU

Original poster

lastqueenofscotland · 25/09/2015 21:11

Thanks all I know I shouldn't let it get to me - I was big as a teenager when is as about 13 not "fat" but had obvious puppy fat that never happened to my sisters and my mother never let it drop. If ever I wanted seconds/pudding/a bigger serving than is been given it was always a lecture about over eating.

I still feel like that chubby 13 year old and have been feeling like that ever since she said it. Blah.

OP posts:

LoopiusMaximus · 25/09/2015 21:22

Ps I've just read your further posts and my family (dm & dgm) made constant comments to myself and dsis throughout our lives about 'weight' and our 'body shape' no matter how big or small we were. I believed I was enormous my whole life as I was always told and I believed I had rolls of fat dripping from my body. I never once let them know how unhappy they made me. I'm 26 now and they've given up telling me as they no longer get a reaction. My dsis on the other hand has had anorexia for 10+ years. I am very sensitive about this subject and will never let my own dc worry or hear about 'weight' as long as they are healthy. Pps I now realise I was never overweight.

whooshbangprettycolours · 25/09/2015 21:25

Your mother is a bit of a cunt. It was a done deal, nothing to be gained except making the person involved feel shit.

MrsTedCrilly · 25/09/2015 21:25

This is total projection OP, she is insecure in herself and probably a bit jealous. Can't imagine being jealous of my daughter.. You listen to all those lovely comments you got! But mainly concentrate on how you felt in that dress
I'm not sure how you can get her to stop though if she has always been like this.. Some parents still see their kids the same as when they were young. Have you ever told her bluntly how it makes you feel?

amazonqueen · 25/09/2015 21:28

Why do people feel they have to comment about family members looks etc? Its the cause of so much anxiety in this life.

A friend who is exactly HALF my weight tiny frame ,under 5 foot tall believed she was a heifer as her dad once remarked about her 'footballers legs' and refused to wear skirts in case they showed off her massive( skinny) thighs.

Please believe all of the other people who have said how lovely you looked. You know your Mother has issues .

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