DC started school and hates it - aibu to ask for you wisdom on how to handle this.

[BB2000]

DC1, only just 4 at the end of August, is three weeks into school. And despite doing okay at the beginning has been getting progressively more upset at drop off and in the day. The teachers are aware and trying to help support her, but she's not a happy girl at the moment.

Any words of wisdom on how to handle this from your own experience? (Initially I tried to ask about her day/get to what was wrong, but I now think that this probably just got her more het up about it all so am trying to just focus on the positives of the day.) Or any reassuring words of children who started like this and are now happy and settled at school - gratefully received.

So upset that her first few weeks of school have been this upsetting for her.

Do you know what it id that she doesn't like? Is she just upset at drop off or throughout the day?

I mean - is she getting upset at specific times during the day (eg lunchtime) , or is it a more general thing?

'Barbarian mum' - Upset at drop off time. And also lunchtime in particular. I think she is struggling with the social side of it and the independence they need/are expected to have. Negotiating lunchtimes and who to play with - that sort of thing. But it is difficult really to pin down what is wrong.

Something similar has happened to the child of a friend and school teacher has advised to persevere, as she will adjust and make friends, in her experience. However the child is in early years rather than reception.

Does dc1 have a particular friend she sits beside or plays with who could be referred to when you drop her off?

Has she had time away from you before? Nursery etc?

Poor little thing! I was so lucky - DS ran into school happy as anything and remained that way till the day he left in Year 11!
I remember so vividly screaming and crying until I was hysterical in those first days at primary. My poor Mum! I cried the night before, cried the minute I woke up, cried all the way to school - and if there ever was a reason I can't remember it. Mum was having none of it - she didn't indulge it or pander to it - off I went to school, crying or not. I think I kept it up for about 2 weeks and then just stopped.
4 is so young isn't it? Is it an option for her to defer until she's 5?

Arethereanyleftatall - yes she has been at nursery since age 1 and at preschool (just 3 days a week). She found the transition from nursery to preschool tough - I think for similar reasons - and it took quite a long time for her to settle in. Though she did and was pretty happy eventually.

Farfrom - we did consider deferring, but decided to go for it as we didn't want her to get behind her peers. (Interesting though that the Govt is likely to change things for August borns for next year - a year to late for us though)

Poor sweetheart. Drop off and dinner times are definitely the hardest and most frightening bits of the day for little ones. Has the teacher suggested any strategies for helping her? She should be able to promote friendships and arrange for your dd to get some support with lunchtime (someone to go in with and sit with maybe). Does the school not have specific policies to help reception children settle at 'big play' - at ours they are allowed to go back to the classroom if they want to and play there overseen by a TA, and we have play leaders in the playground who organise games that anyone can join in.

In that case, I wouldn't worry. She's 20% younger than some of them, it's bound to knock her for six. Also, bear in mind she probably isn't the only one struggling. If that helps!

send her in until lunchtime only?

We did this with our son until he turned 5 and it worked a treat. Slowly increase afternoon sessions.

When I went to school you only did till lunchtime in "kindergarten" aka Reception. It is a new thing that they have turned it into a full school day.

Too long, and not like a long nursery day either as the ratios and expectations are different.

Does the school have a buddy system or a nice, responsible older pupil who would look out for your dd at lunchtimes? It might make it all a little less traumatic.

We have year 6s as 'playmakers', sorting out simple games with the yearR - year2s.

I would try to arrange a few play dates with friends.
Don't talk too much about it when dd moans about school. Try not to entertain the idea anymore as it just makes it worse in my experience. Is dd ok whilst she is at school? When she goes in, leave her quickly and dont hang about.
Can she go part time for a while?
Some kids do find it hard at first and not just because they are July or August born. I researched books which helped mine so you may find that helps.

Are you absolutely set on her going? It depends really. If you absolutely, unequivocally want her to go, then the only option really is to make her go until she settles or gives up complaining.

You could delay her start until she is compulsory school age. You could send her part time until then. You could home educate her, either permanently or until she is more ready. Those options are all there.

The best thing ive seen work is a name board on the door, they have to get their name and move it inside the class, takes their mind off going in. DS was like this for weeks. Hed moan, and id just say, well you`re going. He soon stopped complaining.

My dts are summer born, (mid - late July, although they were supposed to be Sept / October, so shouldn't have been there at all.)
one of them skipped in to school and loved it, the other not so much, he cried a lot when he went in - as did many of his peers, not all of them were the summer born children, it was quite a wide age range.
It's a huge change and is very overwhelming for a lot of children. Have the teachers made any helpful suggestions ?

Thanks for all your comments and thoughts - a lot to consider/think about.

I'm not surprised that she has found it tough. But I have found it strange that she has been getting more upset as the weeks go on. Probably related to tiredness etc. And yes, I'm sure she is not the only one struggling. That does help (though of course not that I wish others to be upset too). It is a lot to ask of such little ones IMO.

It is, but after a while my school resistant twin turned. He loved it by the first half term, I think he would have found it hard if we had the option to defer too - he really doesn't like change.

They're in year 1 now and are just as tired as they were in reception, all of my teacher friends are shattered too.
we used to stop off at the park on the way home every day if the weather was nice, I tried to do something nice on the way home to add a positive moment in to the new routine - park if it's not raining, sweets or ice cream on a Friday.

My daughter really struggled at the beginning and for a while. She found lunch times very challenging - noise, social side of it, etc. One thing that really helped was that some older girls looked after her. I think they enjoyed it as a bit of responsibility and it meant she got used to other children in a very motherly reassuring way.

She also had Wednesdays off for the first year.

I think tiredness very quickly erodes all their coping mechanisms.

It does get easier. Both of mine have found school difficult, but maintaining a calm businesslike manner about the whole thing helps.

Do they have a buddy system, my DC all went through with this and it really helped. They also loved being buddies, as my DS is now. The buddy sits with them through their lunch. My DS has reception child he is buddy to and he is best friends with DS's best friend, so all four sit together at lunch.

Ah that sounds lovely Mama, my dts school do something similar. Years 5 and 6 help out at lunch time, they eat with them and play games in the playground after dinner. It's really lovely, being friends with the "big children" made them feel like they belonged.

Mamma - sorry.

Heretical thought : she is feeding off your energy

You need to get other people to take her to school for the next two weeks
people who expect her to enjoy herself

You may only go back once you are reconciled to the fact that she will have a blast at school and not miss you at all for those 5 hours

then your energy will support her going in happily rather than detract from it

Don't know if this would help, but a friend of mine gave her little fellow something belonging to her, to carry in his pocket, to reassure him, and it worked. Just something small, that he associated with her, he was finding playtime hard, initially, and it helped. He is flying now.

Hope she settles soon, poor little pet.

I think the idea of making sure there are some positives in the new routine is a great idea and simple to do. I will start this next week - park, icecreams etc, all easy to do. Thanks

Will also try to work on my 'buisness-like calmness'. (Remembers self watery eyed and sniffing all the way back to the car after v bad drop of this morning - not that dc saw this of course!)