DC started school and hates it - aibu to ask for you wisdom on how to handle this.

[BB2000]

DC1, only just 4 at the end of August, is three weeks into school. And despite doing okay at the beginning has been getting progressively more upset at drop off and in the day. The teachers are aware and trying to help support her, but she's not a happy girl at the moment.

Any words of wisdom on how to handle this from your own experience? (Initially I tried to ask about her day/get to what was wrong, but I now think that this probably just got her more het up about it all so am trying to just focus on the positives of the day.) Or any reassuring words of children who started like this and are now happy and settled at school - gratefully received.

So upset that her first few weeks of school have been this upsetting for her.

My DS1 could not deal with 30 kids + their parents all herding into the classroom in reception. I eventually got them to let me try bringing him in (via different entrance) and settled before the massive wave. A moment of calm and he felt a little more in control of his life. Ultimately there were too many other things wrong and we moved him at he end of reception - never regretted and my younger DCs had a totally different experience of reception.

I think the start of the day is so important

If she is really unhappy why not make.her part time.or pull her out

She.doesn't have to be there yet.

She is so young.listen to your instinct.

because there is no proof that the child has any problem .....

How long does she cry for after you have gone ?

I loved school when i started but we moved when I was 7 and I hated it. I clearly remember how miserable I was. My mums solution was that for a couple of weeks she took me home for lunch. Knowing I only had to get through the morning, then a couple of hours really helped ease me in and also the school made a real effort, sitting me with a lovely girl (still friends 30 years later!) etc.

By mid through the first term I was totally fine and had started to make friends and I loved school all the way through after that.

Sorry not replied to some of you sooner - we've been out and about today enjoying a non-school day. All fine till DD watched Topsy and Tim on iplayer and they were at school for a bit and she just lost it getting all upset about school again!

I like the buddy system that has been mentioned - I don't know if they do anything like this. I think they are getting someone to help her with lunchtime so I hope that will help a lot. She is also doing a half day on Weds/Fri as I don't work those days so at least those days it will help a bit.

AwfulBeryl she was upset on and off most of the morning I think- getting stressed out about lunchtime. Hopefully now if someone helps her with lunch this should reduce quite a bit of this.

At least tomorrow is another day 'off' and we can have a nice family day out somewhere.

BB2000
At least tomorrow is another day 'off' and we can have a nice family day out somewhere.

No, please don't. Stay at home. Let her get bored.
No TV, no DVDs
just some colouring, maybe a walk to get some milk
but mainly let her get bored
so that she looks forward to school

you have to change the mindset

A lot of children find lunchtime difficult at first - they don't know where 'their' teacher is and it seems noisy and slightly chaotic compared to the classroom. It seems hard but she will get used to it and it sounds like the school are helping. One thing though, in the morning, say your goodbyes and then go - hanging around only defers the inevitable and makes it worse.

It's true that you could take her out of school and start her again later but her peers will have moved on and she will be the new girl in an established class. Personally, I wouldn't recommend it but it's up to you. There are always one or two that find it harder at the beginning but they do settle eventually.

talkin what rubbish. Honestly, why should school be something she has to like because her family life is boring..Happiness at home and school go hand in hand. Security at home leads to greater security at school.

OP I think some half days and lunch help sound excellent.

My DD was exactly the same. She hated school right from the start and really struggled to settle in. We couldn't understand why, as she had been happy in nursery. Things didn't get much better until summer term I'm afraid, and even now (aged 8) she still hates school. She has recently been diagnosed with ASD which explains why she finds the school environment stressful. Now I'm not for one second suggesting your DD has any SN, but you know, all kids are different - some are more sensitive than others, or more shy or just take a bit longer to settle in. That's not the parent's fault (despite what talkinpeace in suggesting). My biggest regret is that I didn't listen to my DD, and kept telling her she'd be fine. What I should have done is listened to her and BELIEVED her, and spoken to the school to work with them to help my DD.

Things that helped DD3:

A laminated stack of concentric hearts (about 5, all stacked and getting smaller towards the middle) that she could keep in her cardigan pocket and feel when she missed me.

A 'Smiley DD3' chart -the teacher let her choose the design and she got a sticker on each day that she went in without tears (but no punishment or disapproval if there were tears).

The teacher/TA being ready to take her from me at the door and help her put her stuff away, so that I didn't have to linger.

In year 1 she had to move school, so it all started again. Things that helped:

The head teacher would take her hand and lead her to the queue of children and let her be the 'helper'.

I started a reward chart and after 10 successful days she got a my little pony. What really helped was the the HT, unbeknown to me, was keeping count herself, so she could encourage DD3 with her progress.

Now, when she wobbles (rarely) we do a kiss and a hug, then I firmly move her to her place in the queue.

Oh and the 'best thing, worst thing' game. Letting her tell me whatever she wanted and I'd accept that it was the best/worst part of her day.

Its not a fault thing
its about setting up the mindset of making the best

kids do not want to miss out on good times with parents ...
BUT
they need to learn to cope with doing what needs doing on the appropriate day

lougles game sounds excellent

NB
My son was 4 years and 5 days when he started school
After the first week he never wanted to go back as he'd "done school"
it was even worse after the first term
but I persevered
he's a lot taller than me now

I agree to some extent talkin But the thing is you can do the positive mindset thing till you're blue in the face, you can ignore the crying and drama and talk up the positives of school and how to make the best of it. But if the child is still unhappy at what point does this become invalidating? Because you're basically saying "DC I'm not listening, because the way you feel is wrong". And that isn't good. Sure for the OP it's early days, her DD will probably settle in soon enough, I'm just saying the child's distress shouldn't be ignored with a "chin up" type attitude if she continues to struggle.

You adapt.

But the sooner that kids learn to be adaptable the more likely they are to make a good living later in life

In the long run the social skills of school are all training for work in whatever shape or form

I agree - DD2 is on her third school (with a period of HE in the middle) because the first 2 schools were wrong for her.

DD3 had two preschools (she woke in the night begging me not to send her back to the first one).

But, if everything tells you that your child is essentially OK, but struggles with separation anxiety, you need to do something to help them separate.

That something may be reducing the time you are separated for, or it may just be making the separation cleaner, so there is no wobble room.

Lougle
I have burned into my brain the look of utter desolation on DSs face at his first preschool when DH and I went to an event there.
I never want to see that look on my child's face again.
I'd like to never see that look on any child's face again.
So I took steps the following day to change preschool and to teach him resilience.
It has worked

But it is NOT necessary to go to school till you are five. It's not compulsory. There are children whose fifth birthday was yesterday in Reception who are better suited, and children who for whatever reason find school easier who are better suited.
Doing lunch at school has nothing whatsoever to do with work skills as an adult???? It is just convenient that children have lunch at school because most parents aren't available at that time. It has nothing to do with a developmental necessity leading inevitably to the child becoming stronger and more resilient.

I suffered tremendously in lunch till I was about 7. That is two years of enduring panic attacks at going into lunch unless I was seated next to a special friend (I never dared to tell the teachers this I just made SURE I sat next to that friend, occasionally she was on another table) The rest of school was fine. I hated the playground and longed for rainy days where I could do colouring and read in peace.

I am just saying that what you think as parent will happen naturally by just pushing and pushing for resilience won't happen by magic. The child may endure and learn that endurance is a long term strategy but why would you want your child to go through that? At FOUR?

I think time is the main thing that will help. Some children take a long time to settle (my Ds2 cried every day until year 2!).

My main advice though is not to try and go down the "man up and get on with it" route. School phobia is a real thing and your daughter needs understanding. If you are definitely set on her attending school rather than home ed (I debated home ed, it wasn't for us in the end so my son had to go to school) then she needs to know that this is what is happening, and that she has to go, but it is ok for you to acknowledge that she is unhappy or doesn't like it. Lots of cuddles and validate her feelings "you feel sad because you are worried about school" with a reminder that "I'll be there to pick you up with a big hug / bag of sweets" (if you are a terrible bribey mum like me!)

What helped my son - he made a Happy Book of pictures of things that made him happy and he had it in his tray and was allowed to look at it whenever he felt sad. I drew a smily face on a piece of paper and he kept it in his pocket - I had one in mine too and if either of us felt sad or missed the other we would hold the paper and think about the other person.

I also bought him a dream catcher and some worry dolls which he would tell his worries to at night and put under his pillow.

I also didn't keep him off unless he was really obviously ill, I didn't want him thinking he could fake a sniffle and get to stay at home.

It was awful. Horrible. I have so much sympathy OP because it was the most stressful time. We tried all sorts, going in early, going in late. W found walking through the park before school helped calm him (he loves nature) we were fortunate that was an option for us.

But ultimately, it was just time. But it was important for me to feel that he knew I was on his side. I walked him into school every morning (despite being told I couldnt by the head teacher, we are supposed to drop them at the entrance) hugged him and told him he would be ok.

And evntually,he was...

I would defer if possible. It's unlikely that she will get behind her peers if you are doing things with her at home. She may actually end up further ahead and find it easier to learn if she is more ready and settles quicker.

If she's getting upset at the slightest reminder of school then something is wrong. Either the environment isn't supportive enough for a just 4 year old, or she is simply not ready. Tiredness is probably an important factor too, and for this reason I think you should consider mornings only for a while.

Some children simply aren't ready - a friend of mine's bright, sociable little boy wasn't ready for school at 4. After a few weeks they pulled him out and he started a year later with no problems at all. However, there are few academic expectations of 4 year olds here (we're abroad) so there was no issue with "falling behind" or losing a school place :-/

Talking - a child adapting to reception class does not relate to how well they will make a living later in life. There's many many years ahead of to develop a good work ethic. Surely a happier, well balanced reception start is better then a negative,chin up, hard minded, toughening up start. 4 year olds feeling do matter but many adults have their eyes set on attendance figures and meeting targets, rather then doing what's best for the young child. The fact is that children don't have to attend anyway till the term after their 5th birthday.