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AIBU?

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Original poster

To dread coming home to my toddler

49 replies

sunnyteacup · 25/09/2015 18:48

He's just over 2 and a half and has changed from a happy, loving, cuddly boy into a child I don't know anymore practically overnight. I feel out of my depth and find it quite upsetting. I'm pregnant too and wonder what the hell I've done having another one Sad

He's constantly shouting at me to go away which I find the worst. I don't know how to deal with it as nothing works. I miss him when I'm at work but dread going home because I know he won't be bothered I'm home and it'll just be temper tantrums until I can finally close the door on his bedroom when he goes to bed and let out a big sigh of relief.

Don't get me wrong, he isn't always hard work and a nightmare all day but it just seems like I get no relief as the bad times are frequently throughout the day. I just don't know how I'm going to cope with him if he's going to be like this forever more.

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with challenging toddler behaviour? I know everything I'm saying is probably standard toddler behaviour but I am ill-equipped to deal with it and feel like a crap mum.

OP posts:
ssd · 25/09/2015 18:54

you're not crap at all!

this age is really hard to deal with and it seems as soon as you get on top of everything, something else starts up.....

mine are older and I can just remember being exhausted when they were young, so have a Brew when he is in bed and try to relax.

LordPeterWimsey · 25/09/2015 19:00

Had to respond to your post, because I went through exactly the same thing. I was working really hard when DD was that age (new job), and she was very clingy and only wanted DH, not me. I actually posted on here under a different name asking if I should just leave because I wasn't contributing anything to the family except money, and I could do that from a bedsit without being shouted at and told to go away and that she didn't want me. It was miserable. I have no tips, except to stick at it, keep hugging him and telling him you love him, and this too shall pass. My DD is now a lovely (if still periodically challenging!) cuddly, affectionate five-year-old, and I'd say the really bad time lasted about six months. You are not crap, it's just that this bit is very, very hard.

Wine Cake Flowers

DonkeyOaty · 25/09/2015 19:00

Okay

First of all - sympathy, this is HARD

Can you think of trigger points and build in avoidance/swerves eg pick up tired hungry boy from childcare? Give him a biscuit/flapjack/drink as you walk out. He has hissy fit while you are preparing supper? Get your nose in front batch-cooking freezable meals. He wants teletime - yup go ahead, fill yer boots til suppertime and bath routine.

Any help?

Original poster
sunnyteacup · 25/09/2015 19:06

The sleepless nights and teething and everything else was a breeze compared to the feeling that he hates me! It is exhausting. I'm knackered when I get home from work and the last thing I want to deal with is.

Tonight's coping strategy is being really breezy and smiley with him. I look at him sometimes and he's like a stranger to me!

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DifferentCats · 25/09/2015 19:12

Don't let them get too tired. They often get the most lively (and annoying) when they are exhausted. What is
his routine while you are away? Is he being put down for a nap after lunch? The day is very long for a two year old without some kind of rest.

When he misbehaves, get down to his eye level and explain calmly what behaviour you are expecting from him and why. Then give him some choices about what he can do to get himself out of the situation. If he won't listen, give him a count of five before you remove him from the situation. Always give plenty of chances for him to get himself out of trouble. They just get worse if they feel that they are in disgrace.

And don't worry that you are getting things wrong. I have felt similarly exasperated with mine when he was a toddler, including dreading the constant battles over the most trivial nonsense.

DifferentCats · 25/09/2015 19:14

That wasn't quite how I meant it. I meant don't worry if you feel like you are getting things wrong! You are doing just the same as everyone else. This is normal.

MakeItACider · 25/09/2015 19:16

You know there's a reason why they call it the Terrible Twos, don't you?

It will get better, it truly will.

Finallyonboard · 25/09/2015 19:17

What has caused the change? Is it your pregnancy?

Original poster
sunnyteacup · 25/09/2015 19:21

Thank you so much for responding, really. Just having someone acknowledge it is helping. And making me teary. Bloody hormones Smile

I know I take it too personally but it's just so new and has shocked me. It's been building gradually for about 3 months or so now as he's become more independent. I know it's normal as he tests the boundaries and tries to deal with his emotions etc. Before he came along I was an expert at parenting! Hmm

Lord that sounds really difficult, I'm glad things have improved for you.

Donkey Triggers. Hmm. Well, tonight was because he was tired but there was nothing I could do about that, just ride out it I guess. DP picked me up from work and DS fell asleep right before we got home at 5pm. I then couldn't wake him for about 40mins, when I did finally manage it he was in a foul mood for the next hour. DP had to go to work so was dealing with it myself. Other times are generally when he doesn't get what he wants and I refuse to give in to him. He probably gets too much tv tbh, I'm constantly tired and don't have the same energy just now so I rely on the tv too much with him.

OP posts:
Iggly · 25/09/2015 19:23

He'll be tired and missing you so letting it all out when you get home.

DirtyMugPolice · 25/09/2015 19:24

This will pass. Honestly. It might be down to frustration from communication issues - testing boundaries etc and working out what gets a reaction. My ds went through this and when his speech picked up a bit the challenging behaviour reduced massively. It will get better!

Original poster
sunnyteacup · 25/09/2015 19:27

He dropped his nap a long while ago and only really naps during the day if he's in the car. His routine varies depending who he's with that day. If it's just me it's normally quite strict and bed by 7. Anyone else and it can creep up to an hour and a half later because I'm working and by the time he gets home or we have dinner.

The timings fit with the pregnancy although it also fits with his age maybe? I'm not sure how affected he is by the pregnancy although I'm definitely not as much fun as before with being so tired Sad

OP posts:
FlossieTreadlight · 25/09/2015 19:32

Oof, it's very hard. I'm going to guess he's tired, has twigged something is going on re your pregnancy and misses you when you're at work. So, he's testing you by seeing how far he can push you ... and if you'll come back. Smother him with love and you with baths and as much relaxation as you can squeeze in between working and doing the second shift of childcare. Flowers

Original poster
sunnyteacup · 25/09/2015 19:35

You have all given me hope it will pass. I just kept seeing a future stretching out ahead of me with a son who couldn't stand me and everything being a constant battle.

OP posts:
megandmogatthezoo · 25/09/2015 19:35

My toddler was exactly the same when I was pregnant. I felt she hated me as she was always pushing me away and asking for DH. It was heart breaking. With the benefit of hindsight I'd say she was confused as to why I was a funny shape, and less able to sit on the floor and play etc. She definitely knew something was different and odd and I guess when you aren't even two that it very unsettling.

After ds was was born she was clingy and hurt by time I spent bf-ing (or in her eyes cuddling him).

The good news is toddlers adjust fairly quickly. She soon learnt that the end of a bf meant it was cuddle time for her, and she grew to love ds very quickly. I'm also back in favour.

Now the person who is out of favour tends to be the one who hasn't been around for a while. DH occasionally works away, and when he gets home she pushes him away for the first while.

CottonSock · 25/09/2015 19:37

Maybe because you get home, its the end of his day and he is just shattered. All sorts of strange behaviour when tired.

DifferentCats · 25/09/2015 19:37

Is he at nursery? If not, I would set a strict time for a midday nap and make sure he has the chance to rest in a dark and quiet room.

It must be exhausting for you dealing with being pregnant and having a very young child. You never have to do today again though.

maddening · 25/09/2015 19:47

They go through big developmental leaps, learning new things all the time and as they do this they get frustrated, can't express what they are going through and don't understand it - they take it out on those they feel most secure with - they know you will still love them :) this is where they feel safe to test boundaries, air their frustration etc.

duckfilledfattypuss · 25/09/2015 19:51

sunnyteacup We went through the same thing when DS was two and a half - I was pregnant and exhausted and he was in the "NO!" phase, as well as hitting, not listening and flat out defiance. I dreaded spending time with him and often ended up screaming at him, which made me feel like a rubbish mum.

He's nearly three now and is definitely improving. I'm sure other posters will have good advice, so I'll only ask you to not judge yourself harshly. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy too.

Original poster
sunnyteacup · 25/09/2015 19:52

I have thought about what he'll be like when the baby comes and feel guilty about how he'll react as he won't have our undivided attention. He's a daddy's boy just now, probably because he does the majority of play time.

He's not at nursery yet, he's due to start a couple of weeks before the baby is due which I think will present its own challenges with the worry he might think he's being sent away..

Thinking about it, he does tend to be worse when I've been working. I've been away all day and he plays up as soon as I'm home but he doesn't seem pleased to see me. The grandparents have him 3 days a week and he's seemingly an angel with them all day Hmm We walk in the door and he's suddenly playing up and running riot. His nana has him 1 day a week and without fail he's a nightmare that day when we get in. She spoils him rotten, gives into his every whim and runs around after him all day. I find it's a battle when we get in then because we (well, mainly me!) enforce boundaries and don't give him everything he wants which he doesn't take too kindly to after getting away with murder all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyteacup · 25/09/2015 19:54

duck you have described my son to a t there! He has all those behaviours!

OP posts:
May09Bump · 25/09/2015 21:18

We had this and the worst thing you can do is back off from him, you need to reassure him that you love him no matter what. Also say to him that it makes you sad when he says hurtful things to you, never to young to learn that.

Find ways to reconnect away from the usual flash points - we used swimming, pottery painting, climbing trees and playdoh modelling together. You might be unable to do some of the above as pregnant - but think what does he really get absorbed in doing.

It is a phase and the inconsistency with the grandparents is probably playing a part, get them together and sort out rules / schedule. State its having a bad impact on him. It must be hard walking in that, my DH found is destroying.

PiccalilliSandwiches · 25/09/2015 21:24

I think he's just letting go all his insecurities and pent up feelings with you because you're his security. You are his safe place. He's testing to make sure you'll love him no matter what.

This book was useful for DS when I was expecting DD. Other tips would be to have some 10 min play times. It's hard when pg to have the energy to play or the time but 10 mins full concentration playing a game or reading a book really helps. Lastly, a phrase I still use when they tell you to go away or the dreaded "I hate you" is "it's ok, I love you enough for both of us and I always will".

Hang on in there OP. I found pg with a toddler much worse than toddler plus baby until they got older and started fighting

Original poster
sunnyteacup · 25/09/2015 21:58

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it.

Tomorrow's a new day and i have some good ideas from here to try. It's definitely made me feel a bit more positive.

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autumnintheair · 25/09/2015 22:02

dont take it personally either, he doesnt know what he is saying or doing he is a wild little beast Grin.