To dread coming home to my toddler

[sunnyteacup]

He's just over 2 and a half and has changed from a happy, loving, cuddly boy into a child I don't know anymore practically overnight. I feel out of my depth and find it quite upsetting. I'm pregnant too and wonder what the hell I've done having another one

He's constantly shouting at me to go away which I find the worst. I don't know how to deal with it as nothing works. I miss him when I'm at work but dread going home because I know he won't be bothered I'm home and it'll just be temper tantrums until I can finally close the door on his bedroom when he goes to bed and let out a big sigh of relief.

Don't get me wrong, he isn't always hard work and a nightmare all day but it just seems like I get no relief as the bad times are frequently throughout the day. I just don't know how I'm going to cope with him if he's going to be like this forever more.

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with challenging toddler behaviour? I know everything I'm saying is probably standard toddler behaviour but I am ill-equipped to deal with it and feel like a crap mum.

Ds1 recently had a regression back to this stage as he was adjusting to leaving nursery / starting school. For a few weeks it took me right back to the middle of the terrible twos when anything could trigger a lengthy, raging tantrum. Everything was hard. Leaving the house simply couldn't be done before 11am as it was such an ordeal. Similarly, I was pregnant / new baby at that stage and it didn't help as at that point my mobility was somewhat impaired.

He's back on form and is a lovely warm, kind hearted, loving child. He adores his little sibling. He has a weak spot for tiredness, hunger and transitions, and knowing that helps a little.

This phase will pass.

It is important to remember that he"s getting to grips with emotion and autonomy at this age. They start to act up for a reaction but have no awareness of the impact of their behaviour. When DS was 2 or 3 he started saying "I don't like you!". He didn't mean it but it was his equivalent of " I disagree"
Everything is extreme at that age and they save their worst for the most trusted person. If they're tired it's even worse. DS is horrid when he's tired and an absolute hug monster when he isn't.

No real advice, OP, but just to say my dd was so horrible that at one point
I wanted to give her away. Just for three weeks, but three weeks that are forever burnt into my memory.

DD plays favorites sometimes with me and DH sometimes, especially when he has the day off. Deliberately pushes me away and then give DH a kiss! traitor.

I just don't react to it outwardly and go about my day as normal, and sure enough a few minutes later, she's there clinging on my leg demanding attention and kisses. She comes around on her own time, and I make sure I'm there when she needs me. Funnily enough once the novelty of having DH around for the whole day wears off it's back to being a mommy's girl again.

I think at this age, they're just pushing for a reaction in a cause and effect sort of way. They also don't have a good grasp on language. So "I hate you" just means "I'm upset you didn't give me what I wanted".

I apparently punished my parents as a toddler and the doctor told them to go about the day as normal and not to give me extra treats or attention to "reward" the behavior.

Sounds like he's definitely displaying normal toddler behaviour from all your examples! He went to bed later than normal last night since he feel asleep at dinner time and he's still sleeping just now.

Going to take him out for breakfast and then to the park for some us time since I've been working this week.

You've given me things to think about and how to deal with it better so we'll see how it goes from here!

I had this too. DD was 2.5 years I was preganant with DD2. She wouldn't hug me or kiss me, was mean to me and only wanted daddy. Lasted about y6 months. Now shes mummys girl again

I'm on maternity leave and have a 3 year old and an 8 month old. I'm tempted to go back to work early as my toddler is absolutely draining the life out of me. He won't be due his free hours until January intake now (I'm due back in a few months anyway but tempted to go back now for some fucking respite)

So no OP, YDNBU.

He is just being a two year old. That is what they do. You will come out the other side eventually.

Other times are generally when he doesn't get what he wants and I refuse to give in to him

It is painful at this stage but the foundations you are laying now (and the aggro incurred) will be repaid in spades when he's older and he Understands that bad behaviour leads to consequences and has developed better coping skills and self control. You see threads on here all the time with people with older kids tearing their hair out. Pain now is so worth it.

OP, my 3 year old was a little challenging as well. I recently got hold of a book called 'The Gentle Parent', which is excellent for how to deal with difficult behaviour. Basically the author says all behaviour is communication and that, after all the ups and downs of any day, little children are also exhausted and overwhelmed, much like we feel after a hard day at work, a difficult interaction, etc. The thing is, we can wind down, articulate our feelings, talk to someone and just manage our feelings better. Children don't have the words to express the things that have shaped their 'big' feelings that day so they act them out. She advises letting them express these emotions but staying with them and letting them know we hear and understand and validate their feelings. She advises against isolating the child in any way, e.g. time out, even as they throw their tantrum, but while being firm on things that aren't allowed, e.g. hitting, throwing things, etc. Leaving the child alone at this point would send the message that their feelings aren't safe with you. She stresses that what the child needs is to connect and feel close and safe enough to let out rather than suppress their feelings so it's important to meet the need they're trying to communicate before trying to correct behaviour, basically connecting before correcting. Once they've let it out in the safe place that is their connection with their parent, they calm right down and then it's possible to talk about behaviour that shouldn't repeat. Worked a treat with my strong willed 3 year old, the tantrums are shorter and fewer and we're not constantly having a battle of wills anymore. Worth a try maybe? The author has a blog.

Gaspard thanks for that. That's really interesting. When he tells me to go away over and over and over again I generally do because 1. It hurts and 2. I think that's what he wants. But it didn't sit comfortably with me and felt I should be staying close. Especially last night just before I posted. When I was leaving him he was looking round for me so it felt like he wanted me there, even just sitting near saying nothing.

Will look into that book.

Hacker I'm dreading mat leave tbh. Last time was tough. I felt really isolated and had a touch of PND I think. This time will be a bit different add I'll need to get out the house to take him to nursery so that will help. Was a struggle getting ready to go out before and organising all DS's things just for a trip to the shops. I wasn't very confident with him when he was a baby and was worried in case he cried or needed fed when out and about so more often than just stayed in which was very hard and made things so much worse.

I'm trying to enforce boundaries and good behaviour but I don't know if it is sinking in as it doesn't stop the wrong behaviour! I guess it's playing the long game though.

We've had a good day so far! No tantrums! A few NO's, and a couple of go aways but nothing major. It helps I'm not as tired today. Coming up to the witching hour though between dinner and bed time but so far so good.

He sounds utterly exhausted to me - as do you - which is never a good combination! Toddlers are really hard at times, but IME they are at their very hardest when they are either exhausted or ill. Hang in there - it WILL get better and maybe when your on maternity leave and he sees more of you it might improve? You never know.

As for the difficulties you mention about confidence with your first - those things probably won't be an issue this time. I was very anxious with DS1, but with DS2 I was much more confident and got out and about more and at an earlier stage. Do talk to your midwife about your possible PND though and ask both her and your DP to look out for signs that you could be suffering again so it can be nipped in the bud.

you're, not your. Argh!

If it helps, DS1 (10) had an epic meltdown that went on for a while. I thought back to his toddler years and realised it was probably a blood sugar crash, as it was ages since our lunch. He's had tea now and cheered right up.

Definitely agree with others who've said 'I hate you' and 'Go away' shouldn't be taken literally. With mine, I hang around, with minimal talking except to give words to what I think she's feeling. Lots of reassurance and hugs if she'll let me. After the calm, we then talk about why hitting, etc isn't good to do. At this point she's usually ready to listen. Of course, anticipating known tantrum triggers is very important but you know that already. You sound like a good mum, just tired and having to deal with a youngster going through complicated periods.

What I also found useful in thinking this through was to imagine coming home after a tough day and in a bad mood but wanting to discuss it with my DH, only to be told that my mood was ruining his and to go and hang out in another room until I felt calmer. I'd feel like my feelings don't matter and that the person who's supposed to care about me doesn't care enough to stay close through difficult moments. Not saying this about you, just that I think it's a close representation of what little ones may be going through when they're in a mood and we isolate them to let them calm down.

Thank you. Good points that I hadn't considered.

I definitely don't deal with his tantrums etc well when I'm tired. I go from naught to fraught in a nanosecond if I'm knackered so will definitely be trying to change that. Friday night was a prime example of how much better the result is when I deal with it better even when I feel exhausted and really don't have the energy. I'm the adult here so need to look at things more rationally and stop attaching adult emotions to his outbursts.

I enjoyed spending time with him yesterday whereas lately it has been tense and I've been on edge waiting for the next outburst. I felt more in control which felt good and made me more confident in dealing with him. Not saying that's all our problems solved! Have this thread to refer back to for reminders and reassurance.

I think you should look into getting childcare from a professional who would be willing to enforce boundaries and have him take some quiet time even if he won't nap.

It's nice to have free childcare from GPs but I think you are paying for the lack of consistency.

Do the GPs take him out in the morning to wear him out? Does he get a chance to engage in physical play (climbing, rolling in the grass, etc)? -- I think a child who seems so cranky in the evenings could probably take a nap after lunch if he was worn out after a busy and active morning.

Do they give him a late afternoon snack of something high in protein? If they give him something sugary then he may be crashing just as you take over.

He's with my parents twice a week and he gets a lot of exercise with them and healthier food. He's with DP's mum one day a week and doesn't get out and is basically fed crap all day long. If they do go out it's in his buggy to a fast food restaurant. This has made me rethink our childcare for when I go back to work after my next mat leave. I'll be finishing up in a couple of months.

DP's mum dotes on him but does disregard my "rules" on his food and drink intake. I don't want to turn this into a MIL bashing thread, she doesn't mean any harm and they adore each other but it's like fighting a losing battle. I'm trying to weigh up the benefits of them spending time together for their relationship against what he gets fed, lack of exercise etc for one day a week. If she didn't have him that day it would be a case of only seeing him every couple of months or so for a couple of hours and the same when the baby comes.

My three year old is exhausting. She went through a bad spell at 2.5 which lasted about three months and then seemed better, but since turning three has been worse than ever before. She seems to take it as a challenge to test me every day and frequently says she loves Daddy not me (but to him says Mummy is amazing and the best you're not).

I'm intending to take a very short maternity leave as I really enjoy my job and prefer the days I spend working to the days I have off at the moment. Feel bad for DC2 but I can potentially go back on two days initially which will just help keep me sane and help the company I work for and help our finances!

He may be one of those children who needs a predictable routine and someone willing to work at being firm (but kind), and for that your best bet is a CM with a solid reputation and good experience.

I would look seriously at a CM for the baby plus toddler anyway. This would be a lot for any grandparents to cope with.

I agree about giving him a predictable routine. Small DC, IME, are upset by lots of changes and the junk food day once a week will not be helping his moods or his health. 1/7 of his life eating junk food is a lot when he's so little.

So yes, when you go back to work I would definitely be looking at something steady and predictable for him and ideally the same childcare for any day he's away from you, rather a day her and two days there and two days somewhere else.