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Original poster

In-laws want to come over to ours for Christmas!

50 replies

CookieDoughKid · 24/09/2015 18:58

We usually have our own family Christmas day now that we have children. In-laws have always done their own thing (traveling/their friends etc) but this year they are on their own. They are also getting on a bit. FIL is a serious PITA. He has somewhat mellowed out a bit but we have literally thrown him out of our house before because he can be brash/rude and insensitive. He isn't that sociable and is verbally abusive to MIL. MIL asked me, without her son present if we wanted to go theirs. I knew hubby would definitely say no to that. He always wants to spend Christmas day with his family at home (we never travel out) but we do visit family on other days. I felt bad knowing this and said to MIL they would be welcome to join us for Christmas day lunch/dinner instead . inlaws have jumped at the chance and accepted. I didn't think hubby would feel so strongly about his parents being there (it's his step dad not real dad) and wants me to revoke the invite as it was me who invited them. I can't really get hubby to speak to his Mum/step dad without world war 3 happening. What to do?

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 24/09/2015 19:21

Well - IMO your only option is to think of a good excuse to revoke the invite.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 24/09/2015 19:23

Oh dear. I'm not sure how you get out of that without a lot of hurt feelings.....(not so helpful, sorry!)

badgergirl82 · 24/09/2015 19:27

Your husband needs to do it, I think.

EponasWildDaughter · 24/09/2015 19:27

Obviously you don't want to pull out of this at the last minute, as that would be unfair. So ...

Er - so far i can only come up with telling them that you in fact aren't going to be at home for xmas day. Perhaps another relative or close friend has invited you and DH over, or asked you to join them and offered to pay for xmas at a nice hotel?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 24/09/2015 19:28

what a pity, when you invited them you had no idea that DH was whisking you all away to Lapland/somewhere hot/luxury hotel as a Christmas surprise.....such a shame you won't be able to have them after all......

greenfolder · 24/09/2015 19:31

You really can't. Does mil acknowledge how difficult her husband is? I would either,
Tell mil that she needs to certain that pil will behave. Have a set time to arrive and leave by ( poss tell them you are going to friends at 4.30)

Or tell her the truth. You have spoken to her son. He is used to and likes Christmas his way, he can't stand her husband and doesn't want them there!

wowfudge · 24/09/2015 19:32

Unbeknownst to you, your DH had already accepted to xyz on your behalf so unfortunately they can't now come to yours? Could you use your parents as the excuse?

EponasWildDaughter · 24/09/2015 19:33

Announce you have all embraced paganism.

Add that incidentally therefore xmas day this year will be spent clad in robes in the woods/fields dancing round a fire with chanting, before foraging for winter berries. Also add that they are, of course, still welcome ... Grin

PotteringAlong · 24/09/2015 19:34

You can't! Tell your husband to suck it up for his mum's sake or he needs to speak to her.

DoreenLethal · 24/09/2015 19:37

Unbeknownst to you - hubby had already invited [someone they hate/his dad] and as he had done it before you asked, you can't go back on it.

MerryMarigold · 24/09/2015 19:43

Yeah, your dh needs to suck it up for his mum's sake. Does he want her spending all of xmas day with someone who is verbally abusive to her? Surely he can manage a couple of hours over dinner, for his Mum. People get so precious about Christmas, it drives me a bit bonkers.

OurBlanche · 24/09/2015 19:44

Don't lie. It will only bounce back at you.

Have a quiet word with MIL and tell her that her son is angry with you for inviting them. Tell her she needs to speak to him to get it sorted, that you are sorry, but you should both have discussed it with him before making any decision.

Welshmaenad · 24/09/2015 19:44

I'm afraid you may have to move house without telling them.

Trills · 24/09/2015 19:51

I can't really get hubby to speak to his Mum/step dad without world war 3 happening.

To be fair it was you who invited them without first checking with him. So it should be you who fixes the situation.

DameMargaretOfChalfont · 24/09/2015 19:52

Tell the IL's that there's been a dreadful misunderstanding and you meant to invite them over on the Sunday before Christmas for a "pre-Christmas, Christmas lunch".

Then, if they accept, serve a Sunday roast and get rid ASAP afterwards. In this way you've been sociable but can now enjoy Christmas as you want.

You made a big mistake inviting them without consulting DH.

beaucoupdemojo · 24/09/2015 19:54

Agree with OurBlanche. It's not right to lie to her. I feel sorry for her because she is stuck with a difficult and rude man by herself over Christmas, but somewhere along the line she has chosen to stay with him and the consequence is that her own son won't have them in the house.

I think your dh is being mean to make you tell her tbh - they are his parents and you were trying to be a nice dil. I think if she was my mum, I'd be putting up with him in order to give her a nice Christmas. But admittedly, I don't know just how much of a pita he's been.

Merguez · 24/09/2015 20:03

It's Christmas and that is about goodwill to all men and all that. Especially family.
So i don't think you can revoke this invitation - it is one day out of the year and you will just have to make the most of it.
Spoil yourselves by doing something special with just the immediate family on Boxing Day instead.
I never liked having my MIL to stay for xmas but always took my turn.

Goldmandra · 24/09/2015 20:03

Do what OurBlanche said.

You should have discussed it with your DH first. You didn't so you need to be the one who has the difficult conversation.

Tell you MIL the truth and apologise.

Least said soonest mended.

Penfold007 · 24/09/2015 20:18

With that amazing thing called hindsight you should have asked DH first. I think he should tell his DM he doesn't want them or you simply tell her that her DS has said no. It may well be WWIII but he has deal with it.

CrapBag · 24/09/2015 20:26

Sorry but I agree with the pps who said you should have consulted him first therefore you need to be the one to sort this out. I'd be livid if DH had invited anyone to Christmas without speaking to me first. You must have been fully aware of how much he dislikes his step father and how he likes his Christmas day so it's a bit off that you did this without speaking to him first.

ourblanche said it really well what you can say.

DinosaursRoar · 24/09/2015 20:27

I wouldn't lie as such, I'd go with talking to DH about when he would be happy to have his mum over during the christmas period, perhaps boxing day, which you could make a meal out or trip to the panto?

Then call MIL, say you are very very sorry, but you were mixed up with what DH wanted to do over christmas and he just wants it to be you and the children on christmas day, and it's really important for him and you to feel relaxed on Christmas day, and obviously as SFIL and DH don't get on very well, it's not going to be easy, if it was just you MIL, there'd be no problem... she must know her DS and DH don't get on. She's chosen to marry someone who is rude and horrible to her son and extended family. She knows he's the problem, tell her, if it was just her then obviously she'd be welcome but he's not. She doesn't need to relay that to SFIL, but there's no need to hide the fact from her.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 27/09/2015 06:36

Thanks everyone. I should have consulted DH about this so my fault there. I knew DH didn't want FIL to be in our house Xmas day but I didn't think he'd say no to his mum (if really pushed). I think MIL will be very very disappointed. I'm going to have a chat with her and be honest. I want to show a united front and not 'blame' it on DH but can't seem a way round it. I'm in two minds to broach the subject again with DH nearer to Christmas but it's not going to be easy (in the hope he'll change his mind). He has strong feelings about this issue. I think we ought to suck it up but on the other hand, I don't want out Xmas day to be ruined either.

OP posts:
HexBramble · 27/09/2015 06:43

Cookie, what a tough situation. It sounds like you felt really compelled to ask after saying no to your MIL about going to hers. If it were me, I'd bite the bullet and have a quiet word with her. Is she aware of your DH's feelings about his Step-Dad? If she is, then perhaps gently telling her that the way she is treated by her DH is painful to watch and that it wouldn't be nice for your DC to see.

Minions · 27/09/2015 09:12

That's a really difficult situation. We always saw extended family on Christmas Day but Boxing Day was absolutely just for the four of us. We didn't go out, we had Christmas Dinner again (we love turkey!) and saved a present to open too. As kids and adults we loved it. Would your DH consider doing something like that and sucking it up on Christmas Day?

KatieLatie · 27/09/2015 09:32

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