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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws want to come over to ours for Christmas!

50 replies

CookieDoughKid · 24/09/2015 18:58

We usually have our own family Christmas day now that we have children. In-laws have always done their own thing (traveling/their friends etc) but this year they are on their own. They are also getting on a bit. FIL is a serious PITA. He has somewhat mellowed out a bit but we have literally thrown him out of our house before because he can be brash/rude and insensitive. He isn't that sociable and is verbally abusive to MIL. MIL asked me, without her son present if we wanted to go theirs. I knew hubby would definitely say no to that. He always wants to spend Christmas day with his family at home (we never travel out) but we do visit family on other days. I felt bad knowing this and said to MIL they would be welcome to join us for Christmas day lunch/dinner instead . inlaws have jumped at the chance and accepted. I didn't think hubby would feel so strongly about his parents being there (it's his step dad not real dad) and wants me to revoke the invite as it was me who invited them. I can't really get hubby to speak to his Mum/step dad without world war 3 happening. What to do?

OP posts:

AgentProvocateur · 27/09/2015 09:35

It's one day - surely your DH can do that for his mum.

ginorwine · 27/09/2015 09:54

I would say you want to keep your day as you normally have it and that you offered Christmas day without consulting dh - so you need to stick to ur original family plan , but invite them for a ' Christmas' another day .
We do this with our family and have had ' Christmas' in January for eg as its a moveable feast . Literally .

annandale · 27/09/2015 10:00

What Ourblanche said. And you need to do it now, it's only going to get worse the nearer to Christmas you get, also I'd imagine your DH is pretty hurt you did this and you need time to mend fences there too.

Don't blame it on DH, blame it on his SFIL.

It might actually be the jolt that leads your MIL to consider refusing to stand for his behaviour any more. Even if the immediate reaction is for her to storm away from the conversation and cut off contact for a bit (let's hope not).

Tigerblue · 27/09/2015 10:06

I don't think you can take the offer back, they'll be looking forward to it now and will be hurt. If DH really wants you to, then I'd be honest and say you've spoken to him and he really wants you and the kids to himself. I think most hate the thought, but unfortunately families of all generations spend together at Christmas. We've been together 20 years and had my Mum or MIL every Christmas, so you're luckily to have had time on your own. If MIL doesn't come Xmas Day, we have her Boxing Day.

MIL is a fussy eater, doesn't listen to what DD says and talks over her. My Mum talks at us, is easily offended and loves an argument so DD doesn't dare talk about anything in the news. I hate having them, but if we didn't I'd feel guilty all day that they'd be on their own. As they usually stay over, we don't have to worry about drinking and driving.

We do break it up - usually do a walk and play a game - MIL and Mum don't always want to join in, so to be honest we get on with it and do them - I think it's normally an excuse for a short sleep on their part, but at least we have a little time together.

Fratelli · 27/09/2015 10:08

I think just tell your mil the truth. However, your husband should really do this as he's the one with the issue. Could you organise a get together with them soon to see what your fil is like now? Your husband may have a change of heart. I feel sad for his mum. Your mil deserves to know how her husband affects her son imo. Good luck with it, what an awful position for you to be in

Inertia · 27/09/2015 10:11

Perhaps the most diplomatic thing to do is to do as Ginorwine has suggested- speak to MIL and ask her which day she is available to come to your house for your alternative Christmas date (I'd arrange it to be before Christmas Day itself, so it's done and dusted beforehand). If she then pushes for a Christmas day lunch visit, you'll need to explain that you and DH and not willing to risk having Christmas day itself spoiled by FIL's behaviour, but you are hoping to compromise with a pre-Christmas lunch. (Check that your H is willing to make the compromise first though!)

Onepot · 27/09/2015 10:13

cookie easy option: get your dh to take you somewhere really hot and exotic for christmas, that way no hard feelings, no cooking for you, no lying to inlaws and no guilt, or get your dh to talk to his mum, but from what you've said i think the first option is the best

iPaid · 27/09/2015 10:20

Your husband sounds horrible. He can't spend just one Xmas Day with his mother? And he's putting you in an awkward position.

HermioneWeasley · 27/09/2015 10:29

it's not about not spending the day with his mother, it's not wanting his abusive Step father in his house. Did you read the OP - the step father abuses his mother and has had to be thrown out before. Who would want that drama on Xmas day? Or have their kids witness it?

I would be honest with her - that you and DH love her and will always be there for her, but you can't have step father in the house given what's happened before, and you don't think the way he treats her Is acceptable.

She is enabling him and creating the situation, not the DH.

Spartans · 27/09/2015 10:29

The dh isn't putting her in an awkward position. She has put herself there. I absolutely would not sort out a problem that dh made. And there is nothing wrong with not wanting to spend christmas day with someone.

If a dh invited someone over for Christmas dinner that the OP didn't want MN would be calling him all sorts and saying he needs to sort is own mess out.

If it's going to make you unhappy, why should you have to spend the day with them? If the MIL cared about her sons feelings she wouldn't have pushed to have christmas together.

choccywoccydoodah2 · 27/09/2015 10:37

I don't think you can uninvite them. What I would do is move your proper family Christmas. Have a little roast dinner and dry run on Christmas day but do the proper thing when they've gone, or the weekend before.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/09/2015 10:42

From the op it's not a whole day it's just the meal right? So unless the op's dh is no contact I can't see what the massive issue is

It's 2 or 3 hours tops so I think he should suck it up or be prepared to cause WW3 to get things resolved once and for all. Because if he honestly can't stomach them for such a short amount of time there's a much bigger issue than lunch at stake.

Christmas is nice but it is just one day. And you can move stuff to other days like Christmas Eve/Boxing Day/27th or whatever. The little baby Jesus doesn't care when and who you eat your sprouts with or open presents.

RosaliesGinBottle · 27/09/2015 10:58

I also think baby Jesus will be completely fine with you not sitting round a table with an abusive arsehole. MIL has caused the situation by guilting OP, OP is entirely within her rights to go back to MIL and cancel after thinking about what this invitation really entails. If MIL feels hurt - she didn't worry about hurting son and DIL on Christmas with the FIL!

Goldmandra · 27/09/2015 11:14

I also think baby Jesus will be completely fine with you not sitting round a table with an abusive arsehole.

Tolerating abusive behaviour is enabling it. I wouldn't want to allow someone into my house on Christmas day if I expected them to be verbally abusive, brash and insensitive.

By having Christmas day to yourselves, you are protecting your children from seeing a dysfunctional relationship as normal and from being subject to abuse themselves and you are also sending a strong message to your MIL that your FIL's behaviour is not normal and should not be tolerated.

Welcoming him into your home would be endorsing his behaviour.

Please don't put pressure on your DH to change his mind. He has made the right decision. He probably already feels awful about you being in a difficult situation and about sentencing his DM to spend the day alone with this arsehole. Don't make it worse for him.

Rebecca2014 · 27/09/2015 12:19

What a lovely son your oh is!

He could always offer the invite to his mother for a few hours and the fil can be excluded. Least that way, when she says no it wont be an personal attack against her.

Original poster

CookieDoughKid · 27/09/2015 13:15

FYI. FIL is pretty verbally abusive to dh's mum. And he loves to complainer or his constantly has an ailment. I can tolerate it as I can ignore him but dh doesn't like seeing his Mum be put down so rises to her defence. Cue arguments cue challenges cue bad atmosphere. You get the picture...

OP posts:

Hissy · 27/09/2015 13:32

Hold on. Unless Christmas had been moved up a few months, NOW is the perfect time to change plans.

Tell your mil that you have had a conversation with your dh and that you have, as a family, agreed that it will only be you for the Christmas Day itself.

You can then say that ordinarily you may make another offer for Boxing Day or whatever, but that she had to bear in mind how rude her h is and that every action has its consequences. It's not personal, but no one has to put up with hearings him abuse her and you don't want your kids to see it. If he can behave like a normal person, he can be treated like one... His choice

girlywhirly · 27/09/2015 15:25

I think the best plan would be for both you and DH to speak with MIL, say that you are concerned that FIL will not behave and you don't want the DC to witness it. Suggest alternatives to seeing them on Christmas day, a quick visit before or after Christmas where you can limit the time spent. I think DH should make it clear to MIL why you will be doing this. Or MIL could come without FIL to your home or somewhere else e.g. in town, if FIL is unsociable he doesn't have to come. MIL would probably enjoy lunch out with you all before Christmas, without FIL spoiling it.

It's a shame in that you were trying to do a good thing, but I would never have invited anyone to ours without discussing with my DH first.

2rebecca · 27/09/2015 15:33

I'm surprised anyone invites people round for Christmas / accepts xmas invites without discussing it with their partner.
I think inviting your husband's parents knowing he doesn't like his stepdad is odd.
I think you just have to phone them and tell them but you're sorry but there has been a change of plan and they can't now come.
I wouldn't say more than that.
Your MIL must be aware of the fact that her son dislikes her current husband.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/09/2015 15:52

Joking aside now - if i had an abusive step father and my husband invited him round for xmas (knowing damn well i wouldn't want that) i'd be bloody angry.

Being brutally honest, the MIL chooses to stay with the man - why should her son have to put up with him on xmas day?

OP - if i was you i'd explain to MIL that you are sorry, but that you've underestimated just how much DH dislikes a long time in his step fathers company (it's no secret by now surely) and you shouldn't have made the invite without consulting him. You'd both prefer to change to invite to a quick meal out somewhere all together either just before or after xmas.

Starkswillriseagain · 27/09/2015 19:09

I would be honest and say to MIL that you and DH have talked it over and neither of you want to see MIL subjected to abuse, especially not the DCs seeing too.

I would arrange an alternate day, perhaps at a restaurant if FIL is likely to be less of an arse in public.

I feel for your MIL but she knows FIL is abusive and will be so in front of her family.

I know you felt sorry for MIL but it sounds like your DH would happily be NC with FIL if he could so I wouldn't arrange anything else. It's completely understandable he would despise FIL and not want family events ruined as well.

AuditAngel · 27/09/2015 20:41

Oh dear.

Last week one of my sisters announced that she is not speaking to the other. Normally we host Christmas for my family, in the past including siblings, spouses, child, child's spouse.... The not talking sister was angling for an invite for HER MIL (to my house) but I already have the other sister, husband and his adult daughter. I ignored the angling.

The background is that after hosting not talking sister for the last 5 years or do, she told me last year a week before Christmas (after the meat was ordered) that 4 of my guests were having a quiet Christmas by themselves

2rebecca · 27/09/2015 21:03

Is she lying or have your guests just not bothered to tell you this? Must admit i wouldn't want to do the same thing every Christmas especially if it involved travelling.

sproketmx · 27/09/2015 22:29

It's Christmas. Families are a pita but it's the one day a year everyone should get together. Everyone has too much to drink, to much to eat and too much to say. You get to gossip about crimbo all year round too.

Starkswillriseagain · 28/09/2015 18:19

sproketmx Did you read the updates? FIL is abusive to MIL in front of everyone and ruins all occasions. OPs DH doesn't want to watch his mum being abused at all- that is not something anyone should suck up just because it's Christmas.

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