AIBU to be furious about this and clueless on next steps... (Warning: bullying related and very long)

[Thefuckinggrinch]

Not sure if this is the right place but posting for traffic as I really need some support, ideas and help please.

My DD is being bullied at school. It started off as name calling last year. Towards the end of the year it graduated to the odd shove. We spoke to school many times and they insisted they had eyes on it, it was hormones, all the kids were fighting etc. It seemed to ease off towards the end of term so we though we had a handle on it.

This year however it was grown fast into relentless torture. DD is having her stuff taken and hidden (pencils, work she is trying to do, lunch etc) She is too scared to go into the cloakroom unless no one is there as she has been repeatedly shoved hard into the coat pegs. She has one friend and they are both being picked on when together (being called lesbians, being jeered at, being pushed etc) although my DD is the main target.

After speaking to some other mums I know with kids in DDs class and the other class in the year it seems the issue is with one girl, lets call her Tina. It seems that the year before last Tina's dad left. Tina got super angry and has been taking this out on the other kids ever since. A friend's DS was tormented in the same way my DD is now by her last year as was another friends DD. It seems that they just keep moving her around and she torments whoever is near her. She has 2 other girls who follow her like sheep and the rest of the class she picks on, starting with whoever is closest. She is mean to everyone with regards to name calling but it seems to be just my DD who is taking the brunt of her physical abuse atm. My friend with the very hysterical DS was told that "she should make allowances for Tina as her dad left" No one knows of any punishments that Tina has faced but it seems every parent has a story about her hurting their child.

I have already been into school at least once a week over the bullying since DD started back at school. Last night DH called the headteacher to escalate it fast after DD was in utter hysterics after yet another incident and said that she couldn't face school anymore and wanted to commit suicide. I was told that headteacher/her teacher/the school councelor would talk to her today and get back to me. So far nothing.

So please wise MNers help! What do I need to push with the school? What should I be expecting them to do? How can I protect my DD? I know she will talk to me but I don't know how to help? I've been in relentlessly to annoy the class teacher but it seems to have done fuck all as this has really ramped up fast. It had gone past the name calling level we had last year by the first day. I would love to see the girl expelled if I had my way but I doubt they will do that. DD is in year 6. The problems started in end of year 4/beginning of year 5 for others but for my DD towards the middle of last year when Tina was moved to sit on DDs table (to stop her bullying the kids on the table she was on). The year 5 teacher kept telling us it was "hormones" when we started having issues and went to talk to her Yr 6 teacher is new to the school so I don't know her at all (apart from the 5 times I've been in since beginning of term...)

If I was you.

I wouldn't be sending her in again, I'm afraid, especially after the suicide comment.

Contact the education authority.

I would not send in after the suicide comment until I was happy that this was being addressed seriously. Have you told school re the suicide comment? They have a duty of care to your DD (and others of course). I am appalled at the school's response.

I would also contact the education authority as laffy has suggested. I would be demanding (in a nice way!) a meeting with the HT immediately. I would also like the class teacher present to be sure that all are in agreement re next steps. Is there just one class per year?

Definitely don't send her again.
It's horrible how these vile bullies always are the protected ones. I wish they would be excluded, made an example of and removed away from the good students. Her home situation isn't your problem, you have your own child to worry about.
Your poor dd.

Don't send in after suicide comment!!!!!!!

Bullying.co.uk advice - Contact the governors about bullying

After a written complaint to the head, the next step is to contact the chair of governors. You can get his/her name from the school office. Write to him/her at the school address. Explain the background and enclose any letters between you and the head. Ask for an immediate investigation. It's unlikely that all governors will be made aware of your complaint.

This is because many issues are dealt with as 'Chair's Action' and the chairman may hope to get the matter resolved with the head teacher quickly. The other reason not all governors will be made aware of the complaint is because the matter may escalate into an exclusion of the bully and if that happens the bullied child's parents will have a right of appeal and there need to be some governors without prior knowledge of the case.

When you complain to the chairman, send a copy of your complaint to your local councillor and ask for a meeting with him/her. Political parties have representatives on school governing bodies and if your local councillor is not one of them, he/she will have contacts who are.
Ask for a copy of your child's school record

Ask for a copy of your child's school record. The governors have a legal obligation to provide this within 15 school days, excluding weekends and holidays, but you will be asked to pay for photocopying. (There is further advice on getting a copy of the record in the section on that topic). This is also the time to start asking questions of other parents. Your child may not be the only bullying target and you may find other parents are keen to back you up in your complaint.
Complain to the LEA

If this doesn't work, the next step is for you to make a formal complaint to the Local Education Authority (LEA) and ask for an investigation to be carried out and a report issued. In fairness to LEAs, it should be said that where pupils are removed from one school to another due to bullying the LEA would not necessarily know about the problem unless parents tell them. They do not need to be involved in a school transfer unless there is an appeal for a place.

Ask the LEA how many other complaints of bullying have been reported to them involving the same school. Ask if the education welfare officer (education social worker) has been involved. She has to visit pupils whose parents have removed them and who are at home. This may prompt LEA officials into asking if the school has a problem if there have been a series of complaints.
Taking matters further

If you do not feel that your concerns have been properly investigated you can complain to the Local Government Ombudsman - who cannot investigate the internal workings of schools but can look at the LEA's role in investigating your complaint. Also make sure you contact your MP.

Your final recourse is to the Secretary of State, at Sanctuary Buildings, Great Smith Street, Westminster, London or at the DFE, Castle View House, East Lane, Runcorn, Cheshire, WA7 2GJ where your complaint will be dealt with by the Pupils and Parents branch. Officials can only order action to be taken if your child is still a pupil at the school, so if he/she has been removed, there is unlikely to be anything the Secretary of State will do.

I absolutely would not send my child into that environment. Find another school, home educate, get her signed off sick, anything to get her out of there. You can write to the Governors etc but your priority is to help your dd rather than changing the other child's behaviour which can't be done overnight. There must be an anti-bullying charity who can give you advice.

Your poor DD x
Keep her off and tell the HT exactly why, get the LA involved and OFSTED as well. Take your DD to the doctor and see if they will officially back you keeping her away from school for her own well being for a while (in case anyone starts a fuss about her not being there) and see if there's any way she can get some professional help.
To be honest if the staff are going to be so soft over such serious bullying issues I'd look at other schools.
Hope you can get sorted

Do you have a copy of the school's bullying policy? They have to have one and they have to share it with you.

If/once you have one, it will lay out the steps the school will use to tackle bullying. First thing to check is are they following their own policy? If not, first question you ask is why not?

Keep a log of each and every incident. If you haven't been doing this see if you can draw together a log of all the times you emailed/went in to speak with someone. Keep copies of emails - get them together in a file.

Notify the school of each and every incident in writing Keep copies.

Arrange a meeting to speak to the Head. Take your log in with you. Ask what they are doing/will do to keep your dd safe whilst at school (this should be in line with their policy but can have extra stuff in there as well). Remind them of what their policy says, if they need it. After the meeting email them with a summary of what was agreed. In fact, after every meeting or phone call email them with a summary of what was said and agreed, when and by whom.

Basically, what you are doing is ensuring that you have a total written record of everything they've agreed to do and they have no room to wriggle out of taking action. If things don't improve rapidly, then take this record to the Governers.

Contact the head, tell them this has gone on too long and you want a copy of the complaints procedure. Then follow it.

Keep your DD at home for a few days and arrange something lovely for the 2 of you to do. Write to your education welfare officer and inform them of this and the reasons why.

Take DD to your GP to see what help if any is available and to get an official record of the damage this girl is inflicting.

How old is the girl. Is there a friendly pcso who would be willing to have a word and give her a bit if a scare?

Exceptional post, Tiredofpeople

I wish that could go on a sticky somewhere.

If my child said he couldn't face school anymore and wanted to commit suicide there is no way on earth I would have sent him in today. I would phone the school to tell them that and demand a meeting with the headteacher ASAP.

I would involve the police as this is assault and if year 6 Tina must be over 10? I did this when my son was being physically bullied. The school didn't like it but as they were failing to protect my son I didn't give a shit. This was year 6 too.

Bullying policy usually refers to behaviour policy, which then leads into complaints policy. Follow every meeting with an email. Email all complaints. They taken written over spoken more seriously. Paper trail all tje way. State what you want. DD on different table etc.

I'm going into school today to give them two options;

1. They move DS into the other class

2. If they don't, I will be taking him out of school until they come up with a solution I am happy with.

I feel for you both. My child is a shell of his former self.

I fond the biggest issue was that they dont understand how bad bullying is for kids. It destroys them. Dont give up. Keep going. I wish id moved DD - school was crap.

I also would simply keep your DD at home until you are satisfied that both her mental and physical health are safe.

I would also not think about this in terms of 'punishment' for Tina. Tina is potentially also a victim here. This needs to be dealt with in terms of making the school environment safe for everyone - not in terms of punishing a 'vile' (as somebody has already said) child.

I can't add anything to what Tiredofpeople has said but I would definitely not send her back in if she's in that state. Poor poor girl. Keep her at home and make sure they know why.

I was thinking of asking if they will move her into the other class but I'm not sure this will help as it will seperate her from her one friend and a lot of bullying is happening at lunchtimes etc so moving won't help with that. I am going to talk to DDs friends mum tonight and see if she can investigate as well. DDs bff must know something (although they are sat on different tables atm during lessons, I've asked for this to be changed asap).

I am friends with one of the governers but she is away this week. I will be escalating this to her when she returns.

She is in year 6 so kids are 10/11. If I move her schools I am worried it will fuck up the catchment for the uber amazing secondary school (which has a zero tolerence bullying policy and support in place to help kids who had issues in primary school to make new friends with others in similar situations and settle in at secondary.) The school she is in now is a primary feeder school for the secondary and tbh is a good school. I resent the fact that I may have to pull her out or move her because of one little brat who can't control her temper.

I have 2 other kids at the school and neither have had any bullying issues. The problem seems to be with this one child tbh. I don't think the school have had to deal with anything like this before tbh as they seem totally out of their depth.

Tiredofpeople thank you so much for all your help and those guidelines. I will print that out and show DH.

I second police. There was a thread a while ago about a boy who was basically being stalked by another pupil while the school did nothing. Reporting it to the police made them pull their finger out.

I know that Tina needs help but I am super angry atm and not the most rational. I am also aware but plenty of kids in that school have been through similar (and worse, at least 3 have lost parents) and they are nothing like this girl. The school and parents should have been supporting her and getting her help for the last 2/3 years imo as it seems that's how long it has been an issue. As far as I am aware this has not happened. No idea why that is as when we asked for some support a couple of years back they were brilliant.

Surely there have to be consequences after all this time though? You can't just go round behaving like this and expecting everyone to "let you off" for the rest of your life because something bad happened to you?

My DD has lost 2 close relatives in the last 2 years. She deserves to be angry as much as anyone but she isn't. We talk to her, we help her and we got her councelling help from the school (they were great with this ironically) and we also got outside help from a local charity. Because we care and we don't want her to be angry and messed up.

thefuck oh I know - and you have every right to your anger...just make sure it is directed where it should be - the school, the child's family, the LEA...but not the child.

There will indeed be consequences...if Tina isn't able to be accommodated in the school environment safely atm then she shouldn't be. But that isn't a punishment - it is just a reality.

I'd like to reinforce the fact that you MUST put everything in writing.
Make a list as far as you can remember with dates of all incidents, who your DD reported them to, what was done, and each and every time that you have spoken to the school.
Send this with a letter to the head saying my child is being bullied. You are failing to safeguard her and IMO she isn't safe in school until you have addressed the problem.
Demand a meeting for them to explain what they are going to do to protect your child.
Do not let them fob you off.
Consider taking a friend to any meeting to take minutes.
Follow up any meeting in writing with a note to confirm what was said at that meeting and who is taking what action and by when.
I know its almost impossible but you have to try to take the emotion out of it and be factual - and very firm and insistant
Good luck

Police. We were advised this by the HT when Ds was being physically bullied in yr 5 . This was after she had called the other parent in for a meeting and got nowhere.

Yes I agree with the police.
I would also not send her in until they accept a duty of care to keep your child safe.
My dd has a father who she has hardly any contact with and who messed her about awfully, it has not made her a nasty bully.

Tired did a great post and suggested writing to the chair of governors.

Can you do that right now? A list of the issues you've been having and a request for immediate action. Why are you waiting for your friend who is a governor to return from holiday?

Also ring the school office, tell them who it is, ask for a copy of their anti-bullying policy.

Do it now. Not when your DH gets in. Or when/if the school ring you back.