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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/ WWYD In-laws snubbed DD's birthday.

43 replies

boilingblood · 23/09/2015 10:06

Last week it was my eldest's birthday (5). Usually my in-laws make a massive fuss but this year she got a card. Before anyone thinks I am grabby it is totally out of character of them. They also live really close to us.

We have been having some issues with them lately. DH and I have had a lot of difficulties and stress in our lives and right now we are in a really happy place. We are just enjoying the moment before life throws up something else. I think MIL is very bitter toward us. It's like as if she would rather we were miserable. She has always had an issue with the fact that we do not consult or include her in every small decision and thing we do. One of the reasons I don't is because whenever I have included them I end up being pushed out of the nice thing I have organised to do with my family. I got sick of this.

Anyway, in November it is FIL's 70th. In-laws are organising a big shebang party and massive joint present.

AIBU to say FTFAGOS (........for a game of soldiers) because trying to bring me to heel by taking it out on my DD is not acceptable. WWYD.

OP posts:
OneDay103 · 23/09/2015 10:10

Yabu, you got used to the big fuss and now expect it. She got a card though so they haven't really snubbed her. I think it would be very spiteful to miss your fil big birthday.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 23/09/2015 10:16

How did they snub her birthday if they sent her a card? Hmm

diddl · 23/09/2015 10:16

Yanbu.

Sounds as if they aren't doing presents anymoreWink

Awful of them to go from a big fuss to nothing imo.

She'll always be their GD no matter what!

msgrinch · 23/09/2015 10:16

Yabu, for exactly the same reasons pp just said.

Curiouserandcuriouser30 · 23/09/2015 10:17

Eek! Did your DD realise? It sounds like they are hard work. It might be a bit petty to miss your FIL's 70th, are you able to discuss this with your MIL at all? Personally I would be annoyed, but would try and take the moral high ground. I applause your creative acronym though!

DoJo · 23/09/2015 10:18

If you are intending to avoid them indefinitely on the basis of their ongoing behaviour and unwillingness to be a part of your lives unless it's all on their terms, then YANBU.

If you mean that you are unwilling to contribute to an expensive present for someone who has chosen not to show the same level of generosity to your daughter, then YANBU.

If you are planning to maintain a relationship with them but shunning all celebrations for your FIL's birthday to teach them a lesson, then YABU.

DreamingOfThruxtons · 23/09/2015 10:19

I may be a little old fashioned, but I think this might be a good opportunity to teach your daughter not to expect presents every time, and that a card means that they thought about her and that is more than good enough.

But... this seems to be about all the other stuff. Isn't it? In which case, I think you need to think about what sort of footing you wish any future relationship with them to be on, and consider perhaps being the bigger person?

Scobberlotcher · 23/09/2015 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Backforthis · 23/09/2015 10:29

'I think this might be a good opportunity to teach your daughter not to expect presents every time, and that a card means that they thought about her and that is more than good enough.'

She's 5. She's their grandchild. A card is not good enough.

DreamingOfThruxtons · 23/09/2015 10:49

Backforthis, I think perhaps we just differ on what we ought to teach children to expect. People can't always afford a gift, and are not always thoughtful enough to either make something or do something else instead. Either way, they did at least send her a card, and whether or not, as the OP suspects, they're trying to send a message, I think it's more positive to impart the above version of possibilities to your child, than to upset them by drawing them into adult dramas and materialistic expectations.

Scobberlotcher is spot on, I couldn't agree more.

IsabellaofFrance · 23/09/2015 10:49

Did they come and visit at all? This would be more important to me than presents/cards. If they usually visit but this time they didn't visit I can understand why you are upset.

However, I don't think you sound grabby. It sounds like they are using your DD to punish you which is never acceptable.

Backforthis · 23/09/2015 10:53

It's not materialistic. They could have taken her to the park, had her round for a birthday tea party, grabbed a packet of stickers for under a quid. It's about effort.

LaContessaDiPlump · 23/09/2015 10:55

It's petty to penalise a child for problems you're having with the parents. Therefore, the PILs were being petty.

I'd be tempted to go to the party and contribute a normal amount to the present - not generous, not mean, just squarely average - so that you come out of this looking absolutely spotless. If you don't go to the party or contribute then that will be grist to her mill.

In fact, just what scobberlotcher said Grin

CocktailQueen · 23/09/2015 10:57

YANBU. I'd be massively upset. There are few enough people in life you can count on, and your GPs should be two of them!

Maybe say to your ILs that since you're obviously not doing presents any more, you won't be contributing to FIL's 'massive' bday present. Send him a card!

And definitely carry on with your lives as you have been doing. They sound crap.

Regularhiding · 23/09/2015 10:58

it's not about parties , it's not about presents.
Sort out your relationship with them. Grandparents are never perfect but are very important.

BerylStreep · 23/09/2015 10:59

What Scobberlotcher said. Exactly.

dustarr73 · 23/09/2015 11:00

I cant believe they only gave her a card.Thats awful,taking the squabble out on her.And this shit well tell your dd dont expect presents.Thats bollix she is 5 and they are their grandparents.

Only on MN is it grabby to expect birthday presents for a child.No YANBU if they wantt o go down that route,that would be fine by me.

Regularhiding · 23/09/2015 11:00

and I agree with dreamingofthuxtons .
you should never expect anyone to make a huge fuss of your or your children's birthdays every single year.

Original poster
boilingblood · 23/09/2015 11:01

I am glad you don't think I am grabby. No they didn't visit. TBH I am more than happy to receive a card for my DC in any shape or form. I tried to tone down Christmas presents one year and got an emotional tirade from about how we don't care. They themselves do relate how much you spend on someone with how much you respect and love them so I do think this is a message to us.

unwillingness to be a part of your lives unless it's all on their terms
Yes, this is spot on. This is a really difficult thing to have to deal with.

Despite the urge to be petty back I will go to the party and contribute. Scobber, you are right and by pretending I have not noticed will bug the hell out of them.

OP posts:
InimitableJeeves · 23/09/2015 11:03

Next year, specifically ask them round on DD's birthday and see if they have the balls to turn up without anything.

Toooldtobearsed · 23/09/2015 11:06

Is it possible that they are feeling snubbed by you?

reading between the lines, it seems to me that during your difficult times you had a lot of communication and involvement with them, which has ceased now that things are better.

Just playing devil's advocate, if my son and DiL had been (what to me was) very close, then apparently starting to back off a bit, I would do the same, assuming I had done something to upset them.

I would still make a big fuss of DC though.....

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/09/2015 11:06

Are you being unreasonable to be upset at your dd just getting a card?

It depends. If every other grandchild in the family is still getting a massive fuss made, and your dd is being treated differently in order to punish you and your dh, and bring you into line, then no, YANBU to be upset - not at all.

If they have changed because they can't afford to make loads of fuss any more, or they've decided to cut back on fuss for all the family/grandchildren, then you'd be less reasonable to be upset.

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2015 11:08

Well I think its quite mean not to give their 5 yrold granddaughter a gift on her birthday it sounds a fraught relationship all round but that isnt the girls fault yanbu but was their anything specific done or said before her birthday ? Maybe dont get her this she likes that and they have taken umbridge and got her nothing? Personally i would just get the 70th gift and let it slide.

dustarr73 · 23/09/2015 11:11

I hate people who to get back at you use the kids.I think its awful behaviour.Luckily enough the dd is only 5 and not old enough to notice it.

I would not contribute to Fils present,they cant have things both ways and i think i would have to say something to tehm.Fine if they want to fall out wiht me but dont use the kids in it.

jorahmormont · 23/09/2015 12:02

YABabitU, at least they did send a card, but it's a bit mean not to send a present if they used to. I wouldn't contribute to FIL's present.

SIL and BIL totally ignored DD's (pfb) first birthday. There's issues because they're unhappy that we had the first grandchild for PILs, but yep, they completely ignored it - no card, not even a message to say happy birthday to her. So we now ignore their birthdays and anniversary too.