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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU/ WWYD In-laws snubbed DD's birthday.

43 replies

boilingblood · 23/09/2015 10:06

Last week it was my eldest's birthday (5). Usually my in-laws make a massive fuss but this year she got a card. Before anyone thinks I am grabby it is totally out of character of them. They also live really close to us.

We have been having some issues with them lately. DH and I have had a lot of difficulties and stress in our lives and right now we are in a really happy place. We are just enjoying the moment before life throws up something else. I think MIL is very bitter toward us. It's like as if she would rather we were miserable. She has always had an issue with the fact that we do not consult or include her in every small decision and thing we do. One of the reasons I don't is because whenever I have included them I end up being pushed out of the nice thing I have organised to do with my family. I got sick of this.

Anyway, in November it is FIL's 70th. In-laws are organising a big shebang party and massive joint present.

AIBU to say FTFAGOS (........for a game of soldiers) because trying to bring me to heel by taking it out on my DD is not acceptable. WWYD.

OP posts:

waxweasel · 23/09/2015 12:09

Lots of people on MN seem to think it's perfectly fine for close relatives to not bother with presents/ignore your child's birthday. I don't. I'd be equally pissed off in your position (in fact, I was pretty annoyed that PILs didnt even send a card to 2yo DD this year - their only grandchild - but sent a postcard about their holiday with a hasty 'PS happy birthday to DD' on it!).

DH has decided to go NC with SIL (his sister) for ignoring DD's birthday both years. She does do birthdays, always acknowledges mine and his, expects a big fuss made of her own, and has no kids/other nephews/nieces. But never even a happy birthday text. It's in the wider context of her being weird, so is indicative of her general attitude to DD. We are just not bothering with her anymore. Tricky as I am alone in PILs house with her for the next 2 days!

So YANBU in my opinion

Original poster

boilingblood · 23/09/2015 12:40

Toool, yes I do think they feel snubbed but not for those reasons. It is because we don't include them that much and take it as an insult. We didn't ask them for any help or bend their ear over our issues.

OP posts:

Crazypetlady · 23/09/2015 12:43

YANBU in my opinion. If they have done presents before stopping is just petty and unfair. It isn't wrong wanting a present for your child on their birthday from close family.

waxweasel · 23/09/2015 13:00

I do feel bad for your DD. At 5 she is old enough to notice who has/hasnt got her something. If it were me (and I am very passive aggressive and vengeful ) I would tell her they gave her £10 or whatever to choose something nice, take her to the toy shop, then have her write a beautiful thank you letter thanking them for the money

TheExMotherInLaw · 23/09/2015 13:31

Waxweasel, you are evil - I like it!

WhatstheT · 23/09/2015 13:35

If they are trying to punish or control you via your daughter then the best thing to do is to not get into tit for tat but to carry on with your life without giving them the satisfaction of thinking they have any impact on you.

Best advice, I'm going throught it at the moment! Completely empathise with you OP

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 23/09/2015 13:40

Horrible to take their problems with you out on DD.

I'd go to Fil's party, but he would get just a card, same as DD.

Theycallmemellowjello · 23/09/2015 13:49

Have you seen them since the birthday? Is it possible they're waiting to be invited before they bring the gift? You say that they take over when they are invited to things, so no longer ask them... was there a birthday celebration to which they weren't invited? Might they feel awkward or like you don't want them doing too much - they could be taking a backseat because they think it's what you want? But if they are using presents to GC as a weapon in an ongoing fight then this is awful, but I don't think you should sink to their level by using birthday parties as a weapon as well!

NinaSimoneful · 23/09/2015 13:54

Okay, what I'd do:
Treat FIL and his birthday the same as you would if they hadn't snubbed your DD. Do whatever you'd do anyway, contribute to the present, attend the party graciously and with big smiles.

Then if they continue snubbing your family - fuck 'em.

Needaninsight · 23/09/2015 13:59

My PILS totally ignored our son's 1st birthday. No card. No present. This was 3 months before totally ignoring their own son's birthday (DH) too!

I don't talk to them anymore Problem solved. (obviously this was the cherry on the cake, not the only problem!!)

She's their GD. She's 5. Presents are the norm.

cookiefiend · 23/09/2015 14:01

Bloody hell- your story is so similar to what is happening to us I am worried anyone who sees it will think you are changing a few minor details to try and hide who I am! For us it wasn't a lack of present, but the refusal to come and see DD. We had arranged the wider family to visit and MIL phoned them behind our back to try and get them to change their plans to what suited her, not because our original plan wasn't fine, but because she cannot cope with seeing us or any of her children unless she is the one in control. I.n the end we cancelled as we were unable to do what she wanted and don't really see why we should have to. A part of me doesn't care- I would rather not see her anyway, but what makes me sad is that DD is missing out on a better relationship with her dad's family. What makes it worse is that MIL complains constantly about not seeing enough of DD, but refuses any offer made by us so will only see us if we let her control the situation. Like you, we do not request her help, unlike SIL and her family and she hates that she does not have the same power over us.

We too are facing some crazy demands from PILs regarding their upcoming 70th birthday bash (see why I am worried people will think I am you!). Like you a part of me wants to be awkward and snub it all, but it is not about me. I want DD to have as many people in her life who love her as possible and to have wonderful memories of her grandparents. So I will grit my teeth and go with the flow. I will not show them how much they have irritated me. The timing could be better though- if I weren't eight months pregnant I could at least drink my way through it all.

If you find a way to deal with the controlling MIL do let me know. My family are ridiculously laid back (which causes its own problems- no knee is perfect) but it means I have no idea how to deal with all this. Gre! Sorry for hijacking. I had been thinking of starting my own AIBU, but felt the need to share my exasperation with you!

goawayalready · 23/09/2015 14:16

pretty sure you have my inlaws (soon to be former inlaws) they thrive on a crisis and it has to be all about them when its over they make a big dramatic fuss about how they feel and how we didn't need them anymore (sigh) they would do this too

shall i tell you of the christmas of the coats? its famous in this house mil asked what she could get for ds for christmas clothes maybe? i said yes of course anything but a coat and he really didn't need trousers she said brilliant she would buy him loads of tops etc so i didnt buy him tops (which he did need) expecting the usual excess of clothing christmas day came and she bought him a coat and some trousers sil came over with another coat because mil said he needed one and some fucking trousers the kid had 6 coats in total two i bought two he had been given (with a little growing room fortunately) and two because of mil it then became a competition about which coat he wore with tears if he hadn't been "seen" in the coat mil had bought him! but as everyone said at least she made an effort at least she bought him something! and i didnt complain her husband did he said why did you buy him that? and tell sil to get him the same thing how many coats do you think he needs went off at her how she had been told not to buy one etc (he was tired and grumpy) that somehow became my fault and she swore she wouldn't buy him anything again she would give me money and i could spend it how i wished (see the drama?) unfortunately she didn't do that and ive had to learn to ask for the opposite of what he wants and make sure i tell her friends how grateful i am and how much i appreciate her aren't i

CrapBag · 23/09/2015 14:24

"They themselves do relate how much you spend on someone with how much you respect and love them so I do think this is a message to us."

So it was entirely deliberate and they knew exactly the sort of message they were sending. By their own rules they are saying the don't love and respect their DGD, not you and your DH. They are petty people. I wouldn't be chipping in for FILs present. No way.

And a card is not good enough for a 5 year old grandchild, especially when they have previously bought big presents.

DisappointedOne · 23/09/2015 14:25

DD (soon to be 5) gets a card from my PILS and fuck all else. Her 3 sets of aunts and uncles and 5 (younger) don't bother even sending a card. not that I'm at all bitter, honest

DisappointedOne · 23/09/2015 14:31

(Younger) cousins

Psycobabble · 23/09/2015 14:31

I disagree with those who say yabu

If my ds grandparents suddenly went from making a big fuss to just sending a card I'd be a bit surprised and put out!

Did they ring her / come over ?? It sounds a deliberate attempt to show they are annoyed with you to me

Ohfourfoxache · 23/09/2015 17:01

Yanbu at all - and its shit of them to involve a child in their petty games like this

Part of me would want to refuse to participate in fli's birthday at all, but you probably should rise above it on this occasion only. Then just do cards in future.

KERALA1 · 23/09/2015 17:16

Yanbu. Totally disagree with the po faced don't expect presents brigade. She's 5 they've done presents before what are they thinking sending just a card?

Similar weirdness here. Pils complain we put pressure on them when we suggest meet ups. So we stopped. Cue angry phone calls to dh that they are being disrespected and cut out. Is there some hormonal thing that goes on in your late 60s

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