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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider a third after 6 years

40 replies

daisymoo2 · 23/09/2015 00:13

Very lucky to have two healthy children who are now 8 and 6. After a long period thinking we were done, recently we have been contemplating having one more. Am I downright daft to consider it? Life so much easier now, career back on track, etc. BUT, in my heart I would love to be a family of 5. Financially we could do it, don't think my boss would be very pleased though!

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sproketmx · 23/09/2015 00:23

Sod the boss. If you want it then go for it. I had most of mine almost back to back because I didn't want age gaps over 2 years between them but my sister did a 7 year age gap and though sometimes it's a pain sometimes it's quite good too

Clobbered · 23/09/2015 00:41

22, 21 and 14 here. Bloody great. Do it.

30somethingm · 23/09/2015 00:45

Sometimes you use "we", sometimes "I". Is your partner 100% onboard? If so, go for it.

Original poster

daisymoo2 · 23/09/2015 00:46

Really? That is brilliant to hear. Does #3 not feel left out, like an only child going through school on their own? Do #1 and #2 fight over #3 resulting in their relationship deteriorating? Can't help but worry that we have left it too late

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sproketmx · 23/09/2015 00:49

My sister finds Iys actually the older ones who moan. The younger one just wants to get stuck in. She had to leave a wedding last month because it was past her youngest bedtime and the older ones kicked off because they didn't want to. She finds it hard at theme pars too, ones on the teacups the others on roller coasters but they are good with the wee one and help keep an eye on him so there's ups and downs. If you want it though go for it

Original poster

daisymoo2 · 23/09/2015 00:49

DH always been slightly warmer to the idea than me until now. It's me who has done a U turn, just can't explain where it has come from. Now it's all I can think about!

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Original poster

daisymoo2 · 23/09/2015 00:50

Thanks Sproke, really helpful to hear the practicalities

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sproketmx · 23/09/2015 00:56

It was quite sweet actually. She had a bad birth and the baby came early and she had a huge blood loss and when dad went back to work her older two stepped in. They were only 7 and 8 and they were making bottles and feeding their brother even just amusing him to let her get a bit rest. He gets really upset when they go to school and gets a bag ready to go himself but when he hears the school bell from his house I swear there's nothing cuter than his face when they appear in the street from school.

MrsHathaway · 23/09/2015 00:59

My DC3 is nearly two. Sometimes I spend time with people who have two DC similar ages to my DC1 and DC2 and I get a picture of what my life would have been like if we hadn't had DC3. I get very wistful.

That's not to say I shouldn't have had DC3. He's perfect. But ... you're quite a long way from remembering what it can be like having a very small person. What pregnancy is like. Only you can know whether those two/three/five years of hell very hard work would be worth it to get one more set of feet under the dining table in the long run.

I think it's worth it for me but chuffing Nora it's hard work living it at the moment. I don't think I would have been able to go back to this with a longer break (DC1 is now 7 and so much easier than babies/toddlers), starting all over again. When I was pregnant again I had an overlap with bf and nappies so it never really stopped. Now I can just about see the light at the end of the tunnel and our contraception is SHIT HOT. We had a cut off for when we would stop trying (DC3 took around fifteen months to conceive and we were getting bloody close) and I think we would have stuck to it and counted our blessings with perfect DC1 and perfect DC2.

Good luck with your decision. It really does sound like short term pain v long term gain and I just think that's a completely personal decision.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 23/09/2015 01:09

Mine are 9 and 6 and there is no way I could envision another child in the mix.

It's great now as when we go out its just get our coats on and go.

When we go out we have a spare seat so a friend can come ( take it in turns)

They both have their own rooms.

Having another one would also mean less time so less help with homework ect.

In future your oldest will be about the start gcse while your youngest will be starting school and I know I could stretch myself.

Anyhow this is me, if you want another go for it.

DrCoconut · 23/09/2015 01:11

We're expecting DS3 any day now. DS1 is 16 and DS2 is 4. DS3 was a little surprise but we're excited now.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 23/09/2015 01:16

I was the youngest of 4 with a 6 year gap between me and my next oldest sister. I never felt left out....it was a bit hard on me when they'd all left home and I was suddenly an only child....I remember that being weird...they all left within a year of one another and the house was so quiet.

Spartans · 23/09/2015 06:33

I have 7 years between my first 2. The gap isn't an issue. The difficult part came when ds was about 18 months and trying to find things to do at weekends they could both do.

But that's it. Dd is amazing with ds, they are very close. It was actuay commented on last night at club they both go to, by the organiser.

Ds is now 5 I wouldn't have anymore, but that's a case of me not wanting to go back to the baby phase and concentrate on our business more. 3 just isn't for me. But the age gap wouldn't bother me at all. If both you and your dh want another and it's financially viable and you are in good health.....do it.

operaha · 23/09/2015 06:47

I have the age gap you're wondering about they were 8+6 when lo was born, now they're all 10, 16 and 18. Won't lie, last 4 year or so, youngest is often alone, very only child but he has the best life - 2 much older siblings to take him out (they do), the eldest has own income so really treats him with cinema trips, new clothes etc - I have more money than when all 3 were small... We get to go away for the weekend just us two, I've made new friends I'd never have known without having him - I've never ever regretted the age gaps, have loved it. I was quite poor and went through a marriage breakdown but we got through it and everything is great and I still have a fairly young child as the older two do a lot of their own things. Do it!

chrome100 · 23/09/2015 06:47

My friend has an 18 year old, a 16 year old and a 6 year old. He says that whilst he loves the youngest, he does have a sense that he would now have his life back if they hadn't had her and does regret it a little bit,

Pobspits · 23/09/2015 07:13

I'm a third child and my siblings were 8 and 10 when I was born. It's only my experience but personally I would never ever have a third, much younger child.

I have 5 and 8 year olds and if I were to have another then I'd have to be prepared to have another again iyswim?

I felt very lonely growing up and didn't really share much with my siblings experience wise. I always felt like the annoying little one.

poocatcherchampion · 23/09/2015 07:18

I think you really want to do it and therefore you should!

jevoudrais · 23/09/2015 07:21

I am a third (younger) child.

I will never have three children. If it happened by accident I would do my best to make it four. But not three. Ever.

zoemaguire · 23/09/2015 07:21

MrsHathaway we are in precisely the same position. I also wouldn't be without dc3, she is gorgeous and I love watching her with her siblings. But fuck, it is hard work balancing a toddlers needs with those of a 5 and 7yo. I am constantly drained and yet still feel like I am not meeting anybody's needs properly. I look at friends with two and think how easy life would be getting now. But I also know we are in this for the long game, which will be worth it. Op, I'd still say go for it - but not if you like an easy life! It really is insanely hard work. Not the baby bit, that was easy, but the toddler years, arg!

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 23/09/2015 07:30

I am pregnant with my third and there will be an age gap of over 10 years between dc2 and the new baby. We didn't plan for the gap to be this big but it took us 3 years to move to a bigger house and then 4 years to conceive.
I am worried about the practicalities of having a baby as we currently go to the cinema etc as a family and that will be more difficult but I think the benefits are going to outweigh the practical difficulties.
Dc3 will be more like an only child I imagine but I don't think there is anything wrong with being an only.
I know that I would really regret not having a third child and completing my family if I had got too old and it had become impossible.
I am from a big family, all very close in age and I was very much like an only child growing up as my other siblings were all 'paired off' and pretty much ignored me. Even as adults I am not close to any of my siblings and I only see them or speak to them if I am at my parents house at the same time as them. Family dynamics are about a lot more than just age gaps.

rightguard · 23/09/2015 08:08

I have 3 dcs, 9,7 and 5 months. The baby us a complete joy and the older 2 adore him. They do squabble over him though.

The pregnancy was a lot harder as I was working full time and was much older. Plus I ended up with complications from the birth that meant I was exhausted (more than usual) for 3 months. Only just starting to feel more normal now.

But dc3 is lovely and I can't imagine life without him. I always really enjoyed the baby stage so I'm loving it right now. It's nice when the big 2 are at school and it's just me and the baby.

Original poster

daisymoo2 · 23/09/2015 13:37

Thanks everyone. I'm particularly interested in the comments about not having a family of three. What caused the problems and in hindsight could your parents have acted differently that would have made a difference? I am thinking if number 2 is already 6/7 they will have less of a feeling of being middle child. Then number 3 might have some feelings of being an only child that we would need to manage?

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Pythonesque · 23/09/2015 13:53

I'm increasingly wondering whether to try for no 3. My youngest has just turned 10 ... Partly age related I guess ... My husband would have liked 3 years ago but it wouldn't have worked for me then. Now, I don't know, there's a lot of arguments against in our lives but still.

Every so often I have contact with toddlers which is useful to remind me what those days are like!! My sister's girls are 11, 6 and nearly 5.

MajesticWhine · 23/09/2015 14:08

Mine are 15, 13 and 5. I adore them all and wouldn't be without our 3rd obviously. But it hasn't really been easy, and I'm not sure that I would have done it if I had known how it would be or if I had really thought it through.

The downside, they don't want the same types of holidays, days out or to do the same activities as each other. This can be difficult in the school holidays. Pre teens and teenagers really have very different needs to a 5 yr old and they are bored by a beach, playground, zoo or a working farm. They just want to go shopping which is grim with a 5 yr old, if you see what I mean.
The youngest sometimes picks up sort of more teenage language than she otherwise would (Shut up, I hate you etc. I am hopeful she doesn't say this at school) and inevitably ends up watching some inappropriate tv. Also, The middle one still moaned about being the middle one. Infact she was furious we had another baby that usurped her position in the family.
Upside, er, it's not boring. There's always something happening. The older ones are helpful with the youngest (sometimes) and they are very sweet with her. The older two children now get on much better, having a sibling might have brought them closer together.

Original poster

daisymoo2 · 23/09/2015 16:49

Majestic, would you say it's worth it overall or have your older two had to make too many compromises? (with the benefit of hindsight)

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