AIBU to consider a third after 6 years

[daisymoo2]

Very lucky to have two healthy children who are now 8 and 6. After a long period thinking we were done, recently we have been contemplating having one more. Am I downright daft to consider it? Life so much easier now, career back on track, etc. BUT, in my heart I would love to be a family of 5. Financially we could do it, don't think my boss would be very pleased though!

As for why I say I'd never have three...

I have two elder brothers and I spent most of my childhood feeling excluded. They were into things I couldn't really do, they could do more things together etc because not only were they closer in age but they shared a room and had more in common. I grew up pretending to like wrestling and Dragon Ball Z etc so I could spend time with them.

My parents were always very worried about middle child syndrome. To the point they overcompensated and that brother has quite a few struggles as an adult. Middle child syndrome is an interesting one to Google.

Family dynamics were odd. I was the youngest and the only girl so theoretically the 'spoilt' one but that's not how it actually was. Probably largely due to my parents worrying about middle child. Don't get me wrong we lived in a nice area, went to very good schools, had good opportunities. We were pushed to reach our potential and I think we were lucky in that way albeit quite unpleasant at the time.

It is the small things I remember. My head being treated like a tennis ball between both brothers as I sat in the middle of the car and fell asleep. Not being able to sleep so falling asleep on the landing outside their rooms and then going back to my own bed just before they got up so they wouldn't know. They used to get me to do their chores saying I got a free pass to spend time with them in their room for a day and then they wouldn't go in their room for that whole day. They were meant to walk me home from school but would deliberately forget me or make me walk 50 feet behind so people didn't think we were together. I remember when I was 10 crying to my Mum saying I couldn't think of anything to look forward to at all in the next year because I was so sad. I think she just thought I was being dramatic.

It was a lonely childhood, my parents could never see how it affected me. I learned to be very independent and self reliant which made me seem OK to them from the outside. As an adult I spoke to my Mum about it once. She is quite heartbroken, she said she never realised. In hindsight I should never have told her. I feel that three has the potential for one being left out. I am sure many families manage fine, but from personal experience, I wouldn't choose to have three.

Problems in my family:

My parents were older when they had me and didn't have as much energy.
I always felt I wasn't good enough because I couldn't keep up with my siblings.
My sister (previous younger older girl) REALLY resented me. Possibly still does!
Days out were extremely rare partly because finding something for us all was hopeless.
Holidays were just me and mum and dad once I was about 8.
All my cousins etc were older.
Christmases etc were never child orientated that I can remember iyswim? Moodt teenagers not sharing my excitement.

Younger *only girl

6 1/2 years between myself and my younger brother. I also have 2 older brothers. We all took turns to drive each other insane but I wouldn't be without any of them. I am super close to my little brother although I probably mother him too much these days! we have a lot in common, live close by each other (15 mins drive) and see each other a reasonable amount. We have helped each other though some dark times in the past.

I have 3 myself although the age gaps are smaller. I've not had too many issues. I suspect that my youngest will be super sad when the older 2 leave though. Although maybe he will just be happy to have me to himself. he keeps telling me he "wants to live here even when is all grown up"

Pobspits - It's amazing how things can be so different for different families. I loved the huge age gaps in our family despite being the middle child and only girl.

We went to Butlins for years on holidays! They had something for us all to do despite the huge age gaps. They had a beach, a train, a cable car, funfair rides, boating, swimming and arcades as well as many different places with entertainment on. We did theme parks as well but the older boys wandered off together to do coasters and me and little bro did the kiddy rides with parents.

All our Christmases were child orientated for years and years. The rest of us LOVED the excuse of having my little brother to be super childish. Epic nerf battles, huge scalextric round the house, massive Lego creations, board games...

Totally just outed myself though I reakon... oops!

It's bloody hard work, I was older, and struggled way more with pregnancy. I miss not being able to take my bigs to lunch/cinema. I always feel like we are split as a family as one parent does one thing with the younger one or stays at home while the other parent does something more 'grown up' they love her dearly but holidays are s bit of a pain too. Wouldn't swop her for the world though.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. There are so many sensible reasons to stop at two but in other ways I wonder if another member of the family would be a positive thing, giving them more than one sibling. A potential third would have similar aged cousins so I was thinking that might help compensate for the sibling age gap. With hindsight, perhaps we should have had another sooner but it's only now that I feel able to consider it without feeling that I would be stretching myself too thinly. Has anyonebeen able to keep a career going while juggling three?

I still work but have one in secondary, one in primary, one in nursery. It's a total ball ache sometimes

I will be honest. Dd1 we had when I was 27, dd2 when I was 29. Always meant to have a third. She came along when I was 39. It was and is lovely. However I do not know if I would do it again. Older ones are now nearly 21 and 18. Small one is 7 so we still have 11 years of basing house on school, term time hols and then expensive teen years when we are in late fifties.

Mine will be 9 and 11 when the new baby comes. Im looking forward to the challenge and feel I have learnt a lot that I wont repeat this time around!

Thanks again everyone. Opinions are so varied, experiences so different. Difficult to know how it would be for us....what would be best in the long run? Stay safe and stick with what we know or gamble on making an even better family unit. Such a big decision. Thanks again.

jevoudrais your relationship with your siblings sounds as miserable as mine was, except there are 8 of us all close in age with me being the youngest. My siblings were horrid to me growing up and we are not on good terms now as adults. I don't think the age gap or number of children is the relevant factor because there is no more than 18 months between any of me and my siblings, some siblings are just mean, jealous and horrid.
My siblings were so brutal they would cover Me in bruises at times and I wanted to go into care just to get away from them.

daisymoo, to answer your questions, yes, it's worth it overall. I don't think any of the children have suffered or missed out in any way at all. It feels chaotic, but all are well cared for. I think if anyone is compromised, it's probably me, because I try and please everybody.
I have been retraining for a new career with part time study and work while my 3rd was a baby and toddler. That has worked out fairly well. Working full time would have been a bit too much for me I think. However, now they are all at school, it's ok.

We have 3 but close in age, I think 3 are exhausting regardless of ages! When we were deliberating number 3 I read that you never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't have........we always felt our family was missing someone. Now she is here it feels complete (as in birth control is a MUST!!) there will always be pros and cons.....go with what you and your family want.