to never ever return to the library.

[flanjabelle]

toddlers are embarrassing at the best of times, but dd reached a new high today. She is nearly two and is talking up a storm, but the words are not quite right. she has a fantastic wide vocabulary already, but the sounds aren't quite as they should be.

So today, we were at the library and she was given a smiley face sticker. Fab.

In dds words it was a happy sticker. Fab.

happy sounded exactly like herpes. Sticker was dick.

My child repeatedly screamed herpes dick at the top of her voice in the library.

I'm pissing myself laughing about it now, but I could have died at the time. I can't ever go back can I?

Can anyone beat that or have I officially got the most embarrassing toddler? Do I get a prize?

When DS1 was nearly 3 he walked in on me in that bathroom at my time of the month. He then announced to seemingly everyone we met, "my mummy has red wee wee". Very embarrassing.

DD proudly exclaimed that she was "Poo Poo" today when asked her name at tumble tots, we're still not quite there with our B's and P's, I knew letting people nick-name her Boo would com back to bite me in the arse eventually... she also called me a cheeky cow yesterday, words that have never passed my lips ever O.o

Crying laughing at the monkey on the roof.

I used to know a small boy who was obsessed with trucks, only he couldn't say his 'tr' sounds. There would be the logging trucks trundling through town and there he'd be, yelling 'Fuck! Fuck! Anuvver FUCK!'

My dd is nearly 2 and speech is coming along really well but with some hilarious outbursts.

Having introduced her to some friendly (tolerant) "pussy cats" she has fallen for my MiL's NDN's.
For some bizarre reason this morning she was obsessed with him being "too hot." So cue stomping round MiL's drive at 7.30am shouting "where HOT PUSSY gone?"
I left her with MiL and skittered back to my car with my sunglasses on

Dd was playing Scrabble with her grandparents who are a bit straight-laced, when she placed her tiles on the board spelling the word "piss".
"Oh, I expect you mean 'pass' don't you?" says Grandma
"No, piss.......as in piss off" came the honest reply.

I don't know where she got that from?

Loving these stories
When DS was just learning to talk he couldn't quite pronounce uncle. Whenever he saw his uncle, he would run towards him shouting 'cock, COCK' . . . Cue red faced uncle and (immaturely) giggling parents!

We were on a cruise with the three DSs and the in-laws. For a bit of fun in-laws took the older boys to watch the Ms Cruise-ship competition. All was going well until the competitors were asked to each do a dance and one of them decided to do a soft porn style dance complete with dancing around a poor unsuspecting male passenger using him like he was a pole. Afterwards the kids and the in-laws were in a crowded lift coming back to our cabin when one of the kids asked Grandma why that lady (the 'pole dancer') was showing that man her vagina. MIL was speechless, the lift erupted and Grandpa (who is as deaf as a post) just smiled broadly at everyone to be polite. MIL hasn't stopped telling people about it since. Wish I had been there!

I feel your pain. Also in the library (at rhyme time), a mum was breastfeeding her two year old when my DD shouts above the story 'KIDS HAVING A BOOB' with great excitement because this proves my 'big girls don't have boobs' theory out the window and she may be in with a chance again.

The mum invited us to her toddler group by the way lol

PannaDoll that had me in stitches!!

When ds1 was about 9 months we went for an early dinner to a fairly nice restaurant.

Dh lifted him up so that ds was 'standing' on dh's legs, facing him, bum hovering just above table height. He was like that for a few minutes, dh was concentrating on his face and making him laugh, I was absorbed in the menu.

It was summer, boiling hot and ds was wearing shorts.

The waiter came over to take the order and froze. I followed his stare to just in front of dh and ds where there was a poo on the table. Not a bit of splatter or a smear, but an actual fairly big poo-log which must have escaped ds's nappy and shorts and rolled out.

He looked at the poo, looked at us, looked back at the poo and said 'i'll give you a minute shall I?' and walked off

DD1 loved sixty four zoo lane and would sing the theme tune. A lot. Onlying problem was that it came out as "sexy balls" so she'd be skipping around singing about sexy balls..... raisee more than a few eyebrows at nursery.

But we didn't really help ourselves - we live avenue Q and have to stop playing it as the tunes are a bit catchy and singing about everyone being racists or that the Internet is for porn aren't exactly ideal for a Catholic school (although she can sing about it being okay to be gay... it's about time the church updated their attitude. ..)

My lb has decided that's "oh crap" is suitable whenever something goes wrong.
Also the very cute way he puts his hands on his hips, look at something and announced "Jesus Christ"
Worst one was in a lovely big QUIET Manor House sat in nannies hip looking at the "queens horse carriage"
Nannie- oh look how pretty that is
Lb- yeeeay... Wow!! fuckin hell

we don't even swear in front of him!!!!

Someone has carved a penis in a tree near our home. Dc shout everytime they see it "look mum there is that squirrel again"

Minecraft you win imo. I would have died on the spot and never ever returned.

I knew a small boy who used to say thank you in the most angelic way, except it came out 'fuck you'.

My dd, aged 6, parents eve. We were invited to look at the dc's books. They had been learning about digital photography that term... My dd's script read ' digital pictures are stored on a floppy dick'. I was bent hysterical with laughter for some time after that.

When my parents took ds(3) swimming they all shared a changing cubicle. DS announced 'Grandad, I can see your willy, and Nanny, I can see your fluff' Poor mum was mortified.

Once in Tesco, my middle child asked me very loudly, 'mama, are you gonna get some tampons to go in your lady bum?'
Funnily enough I bought wine.

The same child also used to call Iggle Piggle peado peado. And my oldest used to shout in public about whether passers by were ladies or men and had baGIIIIIINAs or not. Hmmm

A friend of mine once bought a new(ish) car - a shiny red Volvo.

A couple of days later she went to church and was mortified to hear her two year old son asking various men loudly "Have you seen my mums red vulva?"

My DD who's 6 has a speed impediment. A lot of things come out wrong. For instance, floor and straw are 'whore' and stick is dick. So Picture this, we're having a lovely family walk in the woods and DD announces 'I have the biggest dick I ever wanted'. I have never laughed so much in my life.

And obviously I meant speech impediment ??

My friend's toddler walked up to a stranger and informed him that 'dada has got a willy but mama has only got hair'

My dd was about four, in Dublin, back in the day when 99.9% of the people in Dublin were Irish. When this tall slim black goes walking past and dd points at him. Mortification then just when he is out of earshot she goes "Isn't he gorgeous!"