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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? probably, but come and commiserate with me anyway....

61 replies

TheProdigalSquonk · 22/09/2015 06:56

DP pays his ex £400 a month in maintenance. This is far and above the £40 per month that the CSA (equivalent) suggests.

My ex pays nothing to me, far and below the £200 per month that the CSA (equivalent) suggests.

I'm working on my ex, will go through the CSA equivalent if I have to, I know there's nothing else I can do on that.

Meanwhile, DP's ex is bragging to friends and family about the super expensive holiday she's taking their kids on, and basically laughing at DP for being a mug and paying her what he is doing.

So...... I'm proud of DP for being responsible, proud of him for not caring what the money he pays goes towards, that was what they agreed he would pay and he's sticking to it.

BUT WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BE £600 DOWN EACH MONTH!!!!!

Hate exes!!!!!

Ok, rant over, as you were ladies

OP posts:

Booyaka · 22/09/2015 11:07

Yeah, YABU, and you know it. But on the plus side don't you think you're lucky to be in a relationship with a man who takes responsibility towards his children and is very obviously a decent man?

It just proves how much better than your ex he is. It might feel frustrating if his ex tries to rub your face in it, but just rise above it

JawannaDrink · 22/09/2015 11:11

He is not paying ten times what he SHOULD, he's paying ten times the pitifully low, woefully inadequate, barely worth the bother of collecting amount the CSA for some reason said was the minimum he had to.

Not the same thing.

Lweji · 22/09/2015 11:20

I think it's fair that the non-resident parent pays according to their possibilities.
It is somewhat unfair if he could afford to pay them 400 but can't now because he is living with you and your son. On the other hand, if you lost benefits because of his income, then it would be fair to decrease his contribution a little, as it might anyway if his son lived with him too.
Things change and it is silly to keep to agreements regardless of changes in circumstances.

Original poster

TheProdigalSquonk · 22/09/2015 12:47

Jawanna - that's harsh, nowhere have I suggested he shouldn't be paying! I've said that I'm proud that he wants to support his kids, i'm not suggesting we don't pay, I would just prefer to see less of her rubbing our faces in it.

I am sure that £40 is the correct amount, he's on a very low wage. We can (just about) afford it because I get paid reasonably well, it just feels unfair that the two other families are splurging on expensive holidays and we're struggling

Also, if you look at the title of my thread, I do know I'm being unreasonable, I just needed a whinge, as we all do occasionally

OP posts:

JawannaDrink · 22/09/2015 12:56

I think its obvious that I was responding to this: It's ridiculous that he's paying 10 times the amount he should

I just think its odd that if someone posted from the opposite perspective (my ex wants to pay a tenth of what we agreed because he now lives with another woman and her children, aibu to be pissed off?) you wouldn't be getting the nice responses that you are.

If you're really struggling and you honestly think he is paying too much, then revisit it. But you decided to love with a man with children and accepted then he needs to support them. 40 quid a month for at least 2 children wouldn't come close to doing that.

CassieBearRawr · 22/09/2015 12:58

YABU, as you know.

You're not really £400 down due to his payments. If they had stayed together or he had PR then that money would go on them anyway so it's all the same, just with a detour via what she says online. Stop going on her fb, job done.

grisclair · 22/09/2015 13:03

And she's not taking a packed lunch because E did an Iceland shop at weekend (things MUST be tight!) so every bit of food in the house needs to be cooked - no bread etc

Slightly off topic, but why would you need bread for a packed lunch? Couldn't your dd just as well take something like a pasta salad, roasted veggies, a quiche, etc instead of a sandwich?

19lottie82 · 22/09/2015 13:10

OP I'm confused. If the CSA calculator shows that the legal minimum for your DP to pay is £40 pcm then how can he even afford £400 a month..... Based on their calculations he wouldn't even earn that?

Lweji · 22/09/2015 13:25

Is that actually £40 per week?

Still
JawannaDrink, the OP isn't saying he should pay £40, but I can see how £400 is quite high, particularly if they are struggling.

ImperialBlether · 22/09/2015 13:39

Well, maybe for the next year he could withhold some of it and put it towards a holiday for you and the children? The children get to benefit, the same way they do when the ex takes them.

teeththief · 22/09/2015 13:58

19lottie82 Exactly what I was thinking. Surely the only way that would be possible is if he hadn't declared all of his income to the CSA....

OP I can understand why you're pissed off with the bragging about holidays but it's also your DH's fault for apparently paying more than you can afford

Original poster

TheProdigalSquonk · 22/09/2015 14:26

Again, guys, he is on a low wage. We can afford the payments that were agreed because we tighten our belts and the money comes out of MY wage.

I don't in any way want to not pay, and 364 days of the year I'm fine with it, this morning I wanted to whinge - more of a "why can't my ex be more like my current dp and face up to his responsibilities" definitely not a "she has no right to my money "

So can all you lot who are complaining that my dp isn't paying enough remind yourselves that my ex is paying NOTHING for our 3 kids which is why we aren't managing.

The thing with what we pay his ex adds to our belt tightening but is not the main issue here...

OP posts:

JawannaDrink · 22/09/2015 14:42

So can all you lot who are complaining that my dp isn't paying enough remind yourselves that my ex is paying NOTHING for our 3 kids which is why we aren't managing.

I don't see that anyone has said that he isn't paying enogh, only that 40 would not be paying enough. And those are two distinct things. Your ex is paying you nothing yet your thread is slagging off his ex for having a holiday. It isn't her fault your ex pays nothing and wishing your current BF was as bad as him (because 40 quid would be like paying nothing, lets face it) isn't going to help anyone, is it?

teeththief · 22/09/2015 14:43

I'm proud of DP for being responsible, proud of him for not caring what the money he pays goes towards, that was what they agreed he would pay and he's sticking to it.

How is using YOUR wage to pay for HIS children something to be proud of? Why did he agree to pay money he couldn't possibly afford himself? I'm sorry OP but your DP needs to take another look at it. You're tightening your belts while she goes on holiday with money you're earning. If he wants to contribute that much then maybe he should look for a better paid job

JawannaDrink · 22/09/2015 14:45

He was paying that amount before he met OP so why is she paying it now? He could afford it then.....

Lweji · 22/09/2015 15:08

At least I hope he still has a stake in the house, if he is helping pay the mortgage.
Or they could downsize? It comes with separation that we can't always stay in the previously nice house.

Lweji · 22/09/2015 15:11

He was paying that amount before he met OP

We don't actually know this. At least I can't find anywhere that says that.

MsTargaryen · 22/09/2015 15:32

Your ex paying no maintenance has nothing to do with your dp's ex though.

Tbh, now it just sounds like you are bitter because her children get from her ex what you want from yours.

And £40 a month minimum maintenance means your dp must barely be working. Either that or he gets a substantial amount subtracted for living with you and your children. Do you factor that fact into his £400 being too much? I find a mans new partner expecting him to suddenly forget about contributing to his existing children just because he moves in with her and her children to be a bit naff really.

JawannaDrink · 22/09/2015 15:54

We don't actually know this. At least I can't find anywhere that says that.

OP says that was the amount he agreed to pay when they split, so either he paid it before he was with OP or OP was there during the split. Either way, it was the amount he agreed to pay and clearly had some way of doing so at the time. So what has changed?

Original poster

TheProdigalSquonk · 22/09/2015 15:57

When I met him he was staying with family and paying everything for the ex's house. when he moved in with me we all sat down together and worked out what she needed to stay in the house. This is what we agreed to pay. I say we because it is my wage that makes it possible.

I am ABSOLUTELY not suggesting that he shouldn't pay, I am not suggesting that he pays less. I am saying that she should not be posting on Facebook about the six grand holiday to florida that she's going on and making comments about the mug that she used to be married to footing the bill when she knows it will appear on our timeline. I feel this is insensitive tbh.

We both feel that if she wants to take the kids on holiday this will benefit them and it is fine.

My ex paying nothing is a contributing factor to me feeling shit today but nothing to do with what is paid to dp's ex.

I'm just feeling a bit meh today, and I think it's obvious that some of you have got this. Some of you for some reason seem to be taking great delight in telling me that dp should pay for his children (I know this)

I am not trying to take anything away from anyone here, it was just waking up to see my ex 's photos from his holiday and dp's ex's posts about her holiday when we're struggling made me feel that a bit of mn hugs wouldn't go amiss today.

OP posts:

bedraggledmumoftwo · 22/09/2015 16:20

I was questioning the maths of how he pays/owes 400/40, but see this has already been clarified.

I would say it needs to be recalculated/amended if she is receiving more than he earns and you are unable to support your own children due to you (singular) paying maintenance for him. Unless he I a sahd and it is part of your arrangement that he contributes childcare instead of money in your household?

bedraggledmumoftwo · 22/09/2015 16:22

And if you have firsthand seen her describing him as a mug for overpaying then that would be good grounds to revisit the arrangement- cant imagine she would have actually have been that stupid though.

Booyaka · 22/09/2015 16:41

I think they're both taking you for a mug TBH. Surely when they lived together they should have had enough for her to stay in the house from their two salaries. Your salary shouldn't come into it. Especially seeing as she may well receive extra benefits now.

I think he might be using you to pay for his future interest in this property TBH. Separate your finances, don't give him any more money to pass on to her. He should be paying, but he should be paying what he can afford. And if what he's paying at the moment requires you to pay he can't afford it.

MascaraAndConverse · 22/09/2015 17:28

OP Is he paying that amount because you're subsidising it?

You said before that you had to find money behind the settee for your DD's dinner :( How is that fair?

As much as your DP is making sure his children are well provided for and as admirable as that is, if you're subsidising the amount he's paying and it means you have to scrape money together to feed your own DD in order to pay that amount, then it looks like you really can't afford it :(

MascaraAndConverse · 22/09/2015 17:29

Oh, and that doesn't mean that your ex isn't wrong though!

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