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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want people to touch my new baby

45 replies

LilacRain · 21/09/2015 12:35

He's 11days old and I feel very protective of him. I'm fine with DH holding him but I don't really want anyone else to hold him yet. He seems so small and fragile, I don't like people breathing over him and I'm terrified they might drop him or not support his head properly. I've let a couple of close friends cuddle him but I was on edge the whole time and took him back quickly. When we took him out, a neighbour stopped to look at him, tickled his cheeks and nose and I wanted to slap her hand away! I didn't expect to feel like this. I don't mind friends stroking his hair, playing with his feet etc (provided they wash hands first) but it feels wrong to let them pick him up! Did anyone else feel like this with a new baby?

Would IBU to tell strangers not to touch him, and not offer to let friends hold him yet?

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 21/09/2015 12:36

You want them to wash their hands before they tickle his feet?! Why?

MythicalKings · 21/09/2015 12:37

YWBVU. It's totally normal for other people to hold a new baby. Are you usually over anxious?

Pteranodon · 21/09/2015 12:39

Yanbu. I kept mine in a sling all the time - it wears off, give it time.

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2015 12:39

Yes you would be unreasonable because that would mean pandering to this, rather than trying to get over it.

It's understandable to an extent, especially if it's your first child but still unreasonable none the less.

If you have another baby in the future, this one will no doubt be a snot/germ infested toddler by then and you'll have change of keeping them separated

SaucyJack · 21/09/2015 12:40

He's your baby and so it's entirely your call if don't want people to hold him...... but objectively speaking, yes- you are being frightfully neurotic on this one.

Everything else ok?

autumnintheair · 21/09/2015 12:40

lilac

Its totally natural to feel like this, your his mother, some one has to feel protective over him.

There is also NOTHING wrong with asking people to wash hands first, esp with flu and bug season creeping up on us!

Just remember though this is your maternal instincts kicking in, he will survive if people hold him, he will be OK if they touch him and dont wash hands, he will be OK....this will pass, you will relax as he gets sturdier and you feel more confident with him.

But don't feel bad, and don't push yourself....most of us felt the same, we just implemented it on others to varying degrees ( ie some ignored feelings and some went too extreme)

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2015 12:40

*no chance - not change

autumnintheair · 21/09/2015 12:41

On the flip side, your friends will survive if they dont hold him right now and so on, and your the one who has hormones flying round, has just a baby...dont rush it. go at your own pace.

PermetsTu · 21/09/2015 12:41

I think it's quite common to feel like this, particularly with your first. He's your baby and the decision rests with you. It's an almost overwhelming instinct or impulse isn't it?

I was the same with my first but I let people convince me I was being a wanker and when DD was a couple of days old, lots of distant relatives played pass the parcel with her and wouldn't give her back. Lots of "ooh she doesn't want mummy, she's just testing her lungs" and I was postnatal and vulnerable and I just shut myself in the bathroom and cried.

There's a balance. It's okay to feel like this, it's normal and natural though I should point out if you're feeling very anxious and this anxiety extends outside of this particular discomfort, it can be worth having a word with your mw or hv as it can be a sign that you need a wee bit of extra support. The balance comes from recognising that there are other people who absolutely love your baby and want to bond with them. You can encourage this in lots of ways and slowly, gently get used to these people cuddling your baby.

Interestingly, I didn't feel it so keenly with DC2. I think I lobbed him at a passing stranger on day 4 and was thankful for the break.

The tickling cheeks/feet/stroking head thing, I always loved. Even from perfect strangers.

Mermaidhair · 21/09/2015 12:41

It is your protective "mother bear" instincts kicking in. You need to try and calm yourself down though.

ninniepie · 21/09/2015 12:41

Congrats on your newborn.

I know how it feels to be a protective new mother but I think you're being a little PFB. A little nose tickling won't harm your baby!

However I do agree that you should be keeping the newborn cuddles to yourself as much as possible. That stage goes so quickly! Enjoy

MingZillas · 21/09/2015 12:42

I experienced this too OP. It's horrible. I've still got pnd and anxiety. Again, it's not something I expected to have after having a baby. Even now when someone touches her when we're out and about I don't like it, but know that people coo over babies. Hope you're ok and congratulations on your new arrival

StompyFreckles · 21/09/2015 12:42

Yabu. Please try to get over this.

autumnintheair · 21/09/2015 12:43

so what if she is being PFB its her first, leave her too it.

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2015 12:43

I think I lobbed him at a passing stranger on day 4 and was thankful for the break.

Northumberlandlass · 21/09/2015 12:44

You seem very anxious - I will gently say YABU.
Can I ask what you feel would happen if they breathed on him, tickled his feet with unwashed hands, touch his cheek? I'm not asking to goad to into a reaction - but it might help you understand you fear? (I have been through similar as I have GAD, but this was a long time after I had DS)

11 days post baby is an odd time - maybe have a word with midwife?

BertieBotts · 21/09/2015 12:45

I do think it's common to feel protective over a newborn but I also think that this is a shade too far, and you should speak to your midwife, health visitor or GP, because it's concerning TBH. Please look after yourself! :)

BrightonMum36 · 21/09/2015 12:45

It's normal to have crazy over reactions in the first few weeks/months as your hormones are driving your reactions, not your reasonable brain. If you feel like this then don't put yourself in situations where people will teach him. Keep visitors to an absolute minimum, want them you're feeling a bit anxious at the moment and stay away from public places for a while.
Hunker down, build a nest in your bed and enjoy your first few weeks with your baby without feeling anxious.
This will absolutely pass and believe me after a while you'll be desperate for people to take him off your hands! X

PermetsTu · 21/09/2015 12:46

I also hope that even though this is AIBU, people can be kind to a woman who had a baby 11 days ago and is feeling vulnerable and a bit wobbly.

This isn't really something you can reduce down to whether you're being reasonable or not. You're hormonal, tired and brand new to this. Quite importantly, you're acknowledging that you feel this way but you are letting people hold the baby anyway.

I don't think there's a reasonable person in the world who can judge you over what is an instinctive feeling and if they do, well it's about as much use as chirping "cheer up" at somebody as a remedy to unhappiness.

BrightonMum36 · 21/09/2015 12:46

Teach = touch
Want = warn !!!!

autumnintheair · 21/09/2015 12:47

Op for what its worth, I had my second in winter. I asked my DF to wash his hands with no hesitation, with no angst he just did it.

My DB and his wife, both with chest infections and heavy colds wouldn't and took it offensively, it caused me lots of unnecessary anxiety.

Once we got over winter, baby grew, the following winter, I didn't ask anyone to wash hands, and my toddler is not cosseted or over protected in anyway, she has colds, virus ( not many but some) and older sibling....

The point being, I didn't want my small new born baby to catch anything - and I think I was right, now, she rubs up against the great and the good and the bad...

autumnintheair · 21/09/2015 12:48

TBH who wouldnt wash their hands when about to touch new born?

why?

PeanutButterFiend · 21/09/2015 12:48

YANBU - I was exactly the same! in the first weeks of her life, I was so thankful that she slept in the car, because when we got to whoever's house we were visiting, she would be tucked up asleep in the car seat...so everyone said "oh I don't want to disturb her, I'll just have to wait until next time"

puddymuddles · 21/09/2015 12:49

Understandable if it is your first baby but you need to try to get over it!

I was a bit annoyed when a random woman I met at a school fete walked off with my eldest when she was about 5 months - she didn't walk off out of sight just to show her to her friend who was pregnant but I thought it was odd as had just met the woman! Now I have DC3 11 weeks I am very happy for others to hold him but wasn't too pleased when an elderly lady put her fingers in his mouth to 'see if he has teeth yet' lol

So chill out a bit but better to be overprotective than the other extreme.

Junosmum · 21/09/2015 12:53

YANBU but you do need to get over it, which you can only do by allowing people to hold him.

It's totally normal for you to feel protective over your birthday.

My sister was a young mum and we were all worried about how she'd cope/ look after the baby (she had form which made us concerned), one day my aunt (mother of 3) was holding her and rocking her and my sister just turned to me and said "I want her back, can I have her back" even she was worried about an experienced and caring person having her, I old her just to go take her, it was her baby after all! It passed but sometimes you need to indulge it just for your own sanity!

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