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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want people to touch my new baby

45 replies

LilacRain · 21/09/2015 12:35

He's 11days old and I feel very protective of him. I'm fine with DH holding him but I don't really want anyone else to hold him yet. He seems so small and fragile, I don't like people breathing over him and I'm terrified they might drop him or not support his head properly. I've let a couple of close friends cuddle him but I was on edge the whole time and took him back quickly. When we took him out, a neighbour stopped to look at him, tickled his cheeks and nose and I wanted to slap her hand away! I didn't expect to feel like this. I don't mind friends stroking his hair, playing with his feet etc (provided they wash hands first) but it feels wrong to let them pick him up! Did anyone else feel like this with a new baby?

Would IBU to tell strangers not to touch him, and not offer to let friends hold him yet?

OP posts:

Buglife · 21/09/2015 12:53

It's not unreasonable to feel this way, or to want to hold the baby all the time at the beginning. It would get unreasonable if you became angry and resentful of friends and family wanting to hold the baby and started thinking of it as 'dangerous' and the refusal to let others touch him continues to the point it becomes standard. Cleanliness around tiny babies is important but it's easy to get terrified of anything and everything, in reality they are tough little creatures and you also can't keep them in a bubble. See people's desire to cuddle etc as a lovely thing, your baby is gorgeous and they want to snuggle! It's a tricky time hormonally. Like PP said keep an eye on it, your baby your rules but also do you want the stress and anxiety to continue? Also when you DS chubs up and becomes sturdier you'll feel less like this.

JawannaDrink · 21/09/2015 13:08

I've got a newborn as well. You need to relax and chill out...one of the best things about having a new baby is how happy it makes friends, family, neighbours, complete strangers, to see them and hold them and share in the loveliness of a new person.
Nobody is going to drop him or break him, and breathing on him is no harm to him at all. You need some perspective, I presume you don't have older children coming home from school to poke and cuddle the baby? If you did you would stop worrying about germs because they are riddled with them!

Your baby so you can do what you like, but you aren't doing yourself any favours, either by fuelling anxiety or denying people a chance to love your baby a bit too. When you need help from these people, you'll be happy to hand over the baby then. Do it now sometimes and keep them onside....

EponasWildDaughter · 21/09/2015 13:13

The baby is 11 days old. DAYS. So he was born a week last Wednesday or something.

YANBU at all OP. It's perfectly normal to feel so protective. Nature kicks in and makes us feel all sorts of weird stuff when we've just given birth.

You wont still feel like this by xmas. Or probably even by Halloween. It fades and you'll relax a lot. Don't worry :)

Vickisuli · 21/09/2015 13:14

PFB syndrome, totally understandable and yet unreasonable and you will appear utterly neurotic to other people so probably best to get over it asap

How could someone tickling his feet with unwashed hands do him any harm? As far as colds/flu etc are concerned, very tiny babies actually have better immune sytems than older ones because they have all your antibodies, and if you are bf they will continue to get them. So they are actually not that likely to get ill from other people's germs.

Vickisuli · 21/09/2015 13:15

Oh yes and it's extremely unlikely anyone will drop him. Any adult that doesn't feel comfortable around babies wouldn't ask to hold him. Kids, on the other hand obviously you need to be careful but even then I've let kids sit on the floor holding a little one in their lap with me right next to them.

It's lovely that other people want to make a fuss of your baby.

artimitateslife · 21/09/2015 13:27

Yanbu. I felt this way too and tbh I didn't feel comfortable with it until DD (1 year old now) could support her own head and was less of a fragile newborn. I used to watch people like a hawk when they were holding her. Overprotective? Yes. But I'm a first time mum and feel like I have the right to be - you do too. If you feel uncomfortable make the excuse that baby needs a feed or whatever. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks (apart from your DH of course).

Atenco · 21/09/2015 13:28

Totally natural. When I brought my baby home I really wanted to scream at my in-laws to not touch her but I also knew she was going to be part of a community and that she needs that community to survive, so I put up and shut up.

Iwantakitchen · 21/09/2015 13:29

How many newborn babies had you held before your own? And you do get it the supports the head and not dropping thing? Yabu if you think that nobody else is capable of holding a baby. And there is nothing wrong with reminding people to wash their hands that's understandable.

Pteranodon · 21/09/2015 13:29

You don't have to work to get over this IMO. Anyone who cares about you/your baby will cut you some slack, recognising that you just have birth, are awash with strong hormones and need kindness and understanding. Your newborn isn't bonding with anyone but you right now, dad soon but really it's all about you. Friends and rellies want cuddles for their own enjoyment, which is great when you're happy but tough shit if you're not; they need to be understanding. It's not about them just now, it's about you and your baby for a good few weeks.

UterusUterusGhali · 21/09/2015 13:34

It's very very normal. :)

But generally it's best to try and keep a lid on it.
My dsis knows someone who makes everyone wash and alcohol gel their hands before touching their PFB. That's ott IMO.

Your anxiety will quell with time.

CoodleMoodle · 21/09/2015 13:36

Congrats! As PP have said, it's okay to not want people to hold or touch your tiny baby. I was the opposite, loved other people cuddling DD because a) it was nice to see others enjoying her and b) I got a break!

Now she's 18m and the only person I don't like touching her is FIL, because he's a heavy smoker and insists on picking her up (when she really doesn't want him to). I get that he wants a cuddle but I hate the smell. I always want to wash her down afterwards.

So YANBU at the moment. But at some point you'll have to accept that other people (people you trust) will want to hold DS. When that is, is up to you.

Pyjamaramadrama · 21/09/2015 13:37

Can people just quit calling the new mum neurotic?

Op I absolutely understand how you feel, I have felt like this with my second. I hated anyone but dp, ds1 or my mum holding him. I also didn't mind a couple of midwives who I'd got to know. I wanted to grab him back and I wanted to punch anyone who left perfume smell over him.

I was not depressed quite the opposite.

It's perfectly natural to want to keep your bundle of joy to yourself and protect them.

I don't think that you should voice it to anyone though and it will wear off.

Mine is 3 months now though and I still feel a little like it.

peggyundercrackers · 21/09/2015 13:40

YABU - I guess most people who will hold your baby has their own child and will know how to handle a baby. its a bit precious not wanting people to breathe on your baby, people generally don't drop babies either. maybe have a chat with your doc about your anxiety levels.

bonzo77 · 21/09/2015 13:49

Yanbu IMO. I feel just the same about my newborn. But he's nearly 3 weeks old. And my third. And I don't really like people holding my other two either (aged 5.6 and 2.9). But I've had to get over it!

Pyjamaramadrama · 21/09/2015 13:51

I actually think that it's not normal for people to play pass the parcel with a brand new baby who has just spent nine months inside heir mum.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/09/2015 14:21

I think what you're feeling is perhaps the extreme end of perfectly normal.

My baby was born in mid June so is just over 3 months now, and I was totally happy to show her off to family, friends anybody who I passed in the street I was only up for people I knew well touching and holding.

Still am really. But she sees those people frequently so I get plenty of opportunities to have both hands free at the same time!

I was quite surprised at how much I disliked it when my brother left the baby smelling of his aftershave. Had to tell myself to calm down before I spoke

flanjabelle · 21/09/2015 15:04

It's just the hormones and you are not alone in feeling like this. I was utterly nutty just after birth and it took a while to subside. One example, I dressed dd in plain white when she was first born as I didn't want to spend tons on really nice clothes that might not have fit her. I then found it really difficult to put her in anything colourful as I had this horrible feeling like she wasn't my baby. Utterly nuts. luckily I had a lovely midwife who didn't make me feel like a crazy person and suggested starting out slow with the slightly colourful bits if I wanted to and it went from there.

What I'm trying to say in a waffly fashion is that the hormones can make you feel rather irrational, but it feels very real and worrying. It does calm down after a while a you regain your normal state of mind eventually. If you feel like it isn't getting any better and the anxiety is lingering, please reach out for some help. there is no shame in it at all.

Those of you that have been unnecessarily harsh to the op, shame on you. I'm sure the op doesn't want to feel this worried!

TheNewStatesman · 21/09/2015 15:11

It's normal to be protective, but you do sound a little over-anxious. You will probably find that you feel more relaxed as time goes on. If you do feel that anxiety is starting to control you, talk to your health visitor.

Scobberlotcher · 21/09/2015 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HodgePodge23 · 22/09/2015 09:31

YANBU! I went through exactly the same thing. To me it wasn't as much about germs, it was more an instinct that kicked in. When someone else held him it felt like I was missing a part of me.

Having a person live and grow inside of you and then suddenly everyone's "sharing" him can be a massive shock. I personally wish that I would have listened to my instinct rather than giving in to people pressuring me. This led to many tears, isolating myself and PND. He's nearly 10 months now and I'm mostly over it but I probably would have been over it long ago if I dealt with it in a way that felt comfortable to me.

You and your baby are what matters now, not other people's possible hurt feelings. Look after yourself first and foremost.

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