To ask you wise women How do you move on from an wholly unsuitable ex who you had incredible chemistry with?

[BrightonMum36]

Just that really. I dated someone for nine months, we were completely incompatible in nearly every single conceivable way, opposite lifestyles, tastes in everything, sense of humour, life goals etc etc. Was never going to go anywhere and was clear to both of us we could never have a future together. Fair enough. Parted reasonably amicably although it was painful for both of us because my GOD the chemistry between us was mind blowing. Like something neither of us had ever experienced before. That was a big reason it took us nine months to end a completely untenable relationship because we just felt so incredible to be near each other. So anyway, we did and went cold turkey for four months.
I'm now trying to date again and finding it almost impossible as no one is measuring up chemistry wise and it's proving impossible for me to not think about my ex when I'm trying to be with anyone new.
I'm currently trying to date someone who is perfect for me in nearly every conceivable way, the opposite to my ex really, which is great, but when we kiss I feel almost repelled as they just don't measure up at all and it just makes me miss my ex terribly. I have tried three times to take things further with this current person and I've nearly ended up in tears each time as I couldn't stand that they weren't my ex.
What the eff do I do?? Has anyone experienced this and how on earth do you move on from this and get over them?
I would really love to start to build a new life with someone lovely and suitable so I'd really love some advice on how to do this please.
Thank you in advance xxxxx

Yes I have experienced this.

After many years, the only thing that did it for me was therapy. I found out why the chemistry was there for me, because it won't be random. There will be something in this person you find irresistible because it reminds you of something in the past, or pushes a button you don't even know you have. Once you find out why, the chemistry will go. It did for me, anyway.

I've no idea. I had this. I eventually realised I needed to keep away from him. 11 months free!
It was like a prison for both of us. We kept dragging each other back and destructing then doing it all over again.

Ha, I married him! Opposites can work out, if there's enough strength of feeling...

I can honestly say the only person I have ever truly loved was the father of my eleven year old son. Chemistry was amazing bu his morals left alot to be desired. Ive now walked away and its so much easier. I cant thank him enough for giving me my amazing son but sometimes you cant keep trying to change someone. Also my son deserves so much better.

hoolio that sounds interesting!

Are you happier now the chemistry has gone though?!

I found someone who actually treated me the way i deserved to be treated.
I realised that the other relationships weren't love.

I've had exactly this. The trouble is why the staggering chemistry is there if you have nothing else in common. It might be just physical - which can peter out then you find out the stuff that matters (shared interests, similar lifestyle, shared values) isnt there. Can/does happen.

Or, as in my case it was tied up with not feeling 'good enough' and repeating a childhood pattern of trying to please someone I thought was 'better' than me. I was so flattered somebody I thought was 'better' than me liked me that it was kind of like a drug blinding me to other stuff and just showing me their positives - great sense of humour, fabulous sex, but in other respects a total b**rd who treated all women like objects. But if you didnt get any praise/attention growing up, when you do, its like a drug you crave more of/can't let go of and forget.

Being so green i also thought he wouldnt carry on womanising with me. Wrong. People have patterns of behaviour they rarely deviate from: nothing changes womanising men, its their ego trip, their thrill of the chase, a 'thrill junkie' fix they will never give up no matter how great you are.

Avoid, delete all numbers, got very drunk with friends, found a "project", dated with no agenda, had a friend remind me everyday he was a womanising self-centred arse.
Told his on/off partner about all his shenanigans with the women I knew about (she asked a direct question in my defence).

He still texts me 2/3 times a year. I delete without hesitation.
It's been 6+ years, since I got to this ability to not give a fuck.
I rapidly opened my eyes (after the revelation of who he was) and discovered there were MUCH better partner choices around me. I am now happily married.

Thank you everyone for as usual your brilliant advice and experience.
Sazzle, what you said has really resonated with me as I did grow up feeling not good enough etc etc and so am a bit flattered/in awe by someone who I deem to be a bit 'out of my league' I suppose. However the difference in this case is that actually in loads of ways I didn't feel my ex was especially out of my league or anything like that. In many ways, quite dull and not even especially attractive. It really was just outstanding chemistry that kept me there. I wasn't treated badly, there was no cheating or mind games, we were just entirely opposite so it just couldn't work.
I'm not even sure I was even in love, I don't think I was especially it was just the damn chemistry that was so captivating!
I'm also interested in the point made about therapy. I'd be up for this if it was to entirely 'cure' me... I'm really desperate for this to be solved it's making me quite unhappy and worried..

What kali said. We dragged it out for about 6 years on and off, and ever the me I tried to move on and see other guys in that time, they just didn't compare.

Then I met now-DH. He treated me well, there was mutual attraction and eventually the spell was broken. It still took another year though.

My ex was (is) a complete tosser, a real bastard (I always go for bastards). He was completely self-absorbed and had absolutely no empathy. Actually I now think he's a bit of a sociopath. I'm well out of it.

Please give it a go! You can ask your GP for a recommendation, although you will have to pay.

For me it was worth every penny. It will be something you are not even aware of that has caused this deep attraction.

Also I do totally acknowledge the importance of time and distance which is why we did that. After four months I was hoping for some progress but it's just not happened. Is this to short a time? Will a longer time period change everything do you think?

Oh and yes I am happier! I realised I had wasted many years thinking this man was special, but the attraction just turned off like a tap when I understood it properly. Took 6 months of therapy though!

Thanks Brighton. I think getting no praise/love off my parent growing up, meant I didnt know what a healthy relationship was so to me, physical chemistry was enough/I took that as having more meaning than it does. If you have no healthy parental relationship pattern to follow, in your own relationships you make bad choices or repeat emotionally abusive or toxic dynamics.

Therapy has really helped me with this. I personally don't think its healthy to have a dynamic where one of the couple sees themselves as being out of their league, its a self fulfilling prophecy/only enforces the inferiority issues. I think a lot of emotionally abusive men unconsciously choose women with inferiority issues as it gives them a lot of power and control of that person, adding the the 'thrill' ...

I have had this. I was about 18 and I knew the relationship wasn't ever really going to work but I was so addicted to him. I met someone else who was more stable, which gave me a bit of a wake up call, so I gave him an ultimatum, which he refused, so I told him that I couldn't do it any more. The stress caused me to vomit repeatedly, which was really weird and unpleasant. Dated the other guy for a couple of weeks and then I went back and shagged him it didn't cure me but it did teach me that I really couldn't trust myself around him and I deleted his number and never saw him again after that, except several months later when I ran into him by accident and literally just froze and then ran in the opposite direction, bought a packet of cigarettes (I'd given up) and smoked three in succession to try and stop myself from shaking.

So weird and I've never had any reaction so physical to anybody else before or since.

Time (as in, years) did help although I dated a complete tosser after that and when I was stuck in this EA relationship, I had a series of dreams about the amazing chemistry guy and it drew me out of that relationship, if that makes sense. Then after that it was gone. I saw a photograph of him unexpectedly on facebook and I didn't react at all. It was really really weird.

Recently though he's started popping into my thoughts again. It's extremely unlikely I will ever bump into him as I've moved, but it's weird. I am married now and sometimes I have dreams that I cheat on my husband with him and always wake up feeling horrible but somehow justified Probably a good thing I don't imagine I will bump into him!

Three months after mine was me totally, totally convinced I was over him and ready to date but I ended up with the EA tosser - and I think I would have been vulnerable to such a relationship for a long time afterwards.

I would be extremely careful if you are looking to date.

Looking at the whole package, so to speak, really helped me. I worked out that the sexual chemistry was only so strong because it was the only connection we actually had.
Every now and again I will allow my mind to wander back to the result of that chemistry, but I always remind myself that the trade off for mind-blowing sex was that I had a breakdown!
I never thought that I would have that strength of chemistry again, even after marrying DH, but I realised that we have something altogether better as a whole. As luck would have it, we now have a better version of that chemistry too!

I agree with hoolio's findings. Something about your ex is ticking a box for you in the lust/sex department and you have to try to figure out what it is.

Once you have, you can go two ways:

1. The realisation that the chemistry was just because of 'XYZ' will take the mystery out of it, and eventually reduce it to nothing.

1. You recognise what the trigger is and can seek to find someone who also holds this key but is a better match for you in other ways.

To give you an example, I used to date two kids of people:

1. Nice enough media types from a similar, middle class background, who like me were interested in film, books travel - the usual who wanted to do similar things to me and had similar goals. Well educated, intelligent and reasonable. Considerate and accomplished in the bedroom. Bored me stupid.

1. Jobless, East End/Saarf London types who'd left school at 16 and were dealing drugs or fucking about but who were charming and witty, but a bit dangerous. Bossy, boundary pushing and - to me - massively sexy in the bedroom.

Type 1 - great boyfriend, ok sex
Type 2 - useless boyfriend, amazing sex

Then I went out with someone who spoke in a very 'London accent', had left college at 17 before finishing his A levels, had spent a couple of years drifting on the fringes of crime, but had managed to work his way up the ladder in a successful tv production company, who devoured the books he had never known existed and who had a passion for art and sculpture. Most dynamic combination ever for me.

My trigger, as it turns out, is a bit of a geezer, poorly educated possibly but fiercely intelligent, quick witted and driven with an unexpected passion for film and art. Really specific but it works every time.

I am now married to one.

See if you can figure out the allure and take it from there.

Jesus jaded that is absolutely incredible advice. I've made a screen shot of it as it makes so much sense I think it might be the key! I knew his site would be great but c'mon girls you're excelling yourselves I'm so so grateful you've no idea xx

Sorry. Just place marking.

I always remind myself that the trade off for mind-blowing sex was that I had a breakdown!

GHW that really resonates!
That's going to be my mantra!

I keep telling myself chemistry is only your body reacting to antibodies. It's a primeval thing. Sure, your kids would be strong, but this is 2015 and having a child with a superhuman immune system is not the be-all-and-end-all.

Also Bertie you're right it's obvious four months isn't long enough and I do need to be careful as I still feel so vulnerable. The nearly crying is a bit of a sign of this!
I need more time. And therapy. And time with mates. And Ben and Jerrys.

And mumsnet.

Brighton I am glad it makes sense. I know a lot of people say that they don't really have a type, but when it comes to sex/physical attractive, I am not sure if that's true. I think every one has a 'type', but it might be such a subtle trigger/thing, that you haven't even recognised its a common factor in your dating history.

Of course physical attraction isn't the 'be all' and it definitely isn't the 'end all' - it wanes and love and trust become more important. But if you are starting from a place of insatiable lust, with someone who is decent and reasonably compatible, it can see you through some of the bumps in a relationship.

Jaded's adice sounds good.

For me I gave myself a strong talking to and reminded myself that time I wasted again with Mr Wrong or mooning over Mr Wrong as opposed to going out and finding a Mr Right may give me a high now but really I was stealing happiness from future me.

Wow Sazzle , what you've described is like reading about myself. This is a very helpful thread. Am at work, will ponder on what I have to add and be back later. OP you are not alone, I struggle a lot with this very issue.