Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask you wise women How do you move on from an wholly unsuitable ex who you had incredible chemistry with?

41 replies

BrightonMum36 · 21/09/2015 11:42

Just that really. I dated someone for nine months, we were completely incompatible in nearly every single conceivable way, opposite lifestyles, tastes in everything, sense of humour, life goals etc etc. Was never going to go anywhere and was clear to both of us we could never have a future together. Fair enough. Parted reasonably amicably although it was painful for both of us because my GOD the chemistry between us was mind blowing. Like something neither of us had ever experienced before. That was a big reason it took us nine months to end a completely untenable relationship because we just felt so incredible to be near each other. So anyway, we did and went cold turkey for four months.
I'm now trying to date again and finding it almost impossible as no one is measuring up chemistry wise and it's proving impossible for me to not think about my ex when I'm trying to be with anyone new.
I'm currently trying to date someone who is perfect for me in nearly every conceivable way, the opposite to my ex really, which is great, but when we kiss I feel almost repelled as they just don't measure up at all and it just makes me miss my ex terribly. I have tried three times to take things further with this current person and I've nearly ended up in tears each time as I couldn't stand that they weren't my ex.
What the eff do I do?? Has anyone experienced this and how on earth do you move on from this and get over them?
I would really love to start to build a new life with someone lovely and suitable so I'd really love some advice on how to do this please.
Thank you in advance xxxxx

OP posts:

Chattymummyhere · 21/09/2015 14:01

My Mr wrong was a very abusive/destructive relationship but it was amazing at the same time which even now I struggle to work out in my mind. We where no good for each other but something just always pulled us back. It was very dangerous but the sex was amazing we where on and off for a few years. Even all these years later I couldn't be in the same room with him, he still has some sort of hold over me which I haven't managed to work out. If I'm in a self destructive mood I find myself messaging him I always managed to drop off the face of the earth away from him a day or two later but my heads still very messed up from him and we split over 7 years ago.

My dh is completly different to him.

ahbollocks · 21/09/2015 14:02

I can't help you I'm afraid!
I have a one that got away from when I was 17. Mind blowing few months and crazy intense chemistry.

Broke up because he had to leave the country.

A few months ago he spotted me in the street and stopped the car in the middle of the road to run after me. Recognising him felt like get sucker punched in the chest.

I'm married to the best man in the world, who I also have a great chemistry with so I just stay well well away from the one that got away

TirNannyOgg · 21/09/2015 14:06

Resonates with me too, found it was his smell. React physically every time. I left the country and eventually found love with an amazing (smelling) and generally wonderful guy Good luck.

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 22/09/2015 09:25

Ah I'm really glad this has proved quite a supportive and useful thread. I'm finding it brilliant and I knew you lot would be amazing.
A lot of you are talking about what sounds like 'limerence' which is something all encompassing and something I've experienced in the past. This isn't quite like that as my ex didn't treat me badly and it was a mutual decision to end it. However the powerful lingering feelings I'm left with DO resonate with those felt when I experienced limerence those times in the past. How I tackled that was time, distance and support. That's wh I think it's wonderful for us girls to come together and support each other like this it is a massive, massive help and relief! X

OP posts:

Itsmine · 22/09/2015 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 22/09/2015 09:48

I'm 36, as my name suggests. I'm not sure having powerful feelings towards someone is a sign of youth, it's a sign of being human and having a heart. In my opinion.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 22/09/2015 09:57

I remember that total addiction to someone physically and the only thing that worked was complete NC.

It doesn't sound as if you're ready for dating yet... It will get there though as time passes. I wouldn't say 4 months was long enough. I would say a good 18 months.

Itsmine · 22/09/2015 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 22/09/2015 10:19

I had great sex with my ex and we boomeranged back and forth for ages before I made the final split and I'm now very happy with my DP.

I think when you find great sex it's very difficult to give it up. It's a drug basically. Problem was I didn't respect my ex, he was a weak man, still attached to his another's apron strings, had self esteem issues and never kept a promise. However in the sack he was very dominant and eager to please and that combination was pretty enticing.

He did try and sneak back in a few times but I stood firm and I now haven't heard from him for about 18 months. Occasionally he pops up on the 'people you might know' parade on Facebook and I suspect it's because he has looked at my page, but I've moved on now and would only consider us revisiting the past if we reconcile as OAPs

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 22/09/2015 10:20

Yes I agree that generally life takes over and I do have a lot of other things in my life too. This is something unusual that has happened to me along with my usual life that I'm NOT used to and so hence looking for advice and help from people who have experienced it so I can get over it and get on with my life..

OP posts:

bodenbiscuit · 22/09/2015 10:40

I get addicted to people who are abusive towards me in some way or at least I have been. I'm ashamed to admit this and it's something I need to fix. I've had extensive counselling but it still continues to be a problem. The last time this happened the person was probably a sociopath and i would feel like I was going to vomit if I was going to see him.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 22/09/2015 12:50

agree with the understanding of what is keeping you locked into that chemistry

For myself I still feel an attraction but I get what some of that is about and I accept it for what it is not what it could be or should in my mind be

sexual attraction is complex what is it that attracts us to someone its all to easy to confuse that with love or the desire for it to be worth more as the feeling is very powerful because so often we want it to be but sometimes that is all it is

autumnintheair · 22/09/2015 13:03

some fascinating reading here.

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 22/09/2015 19:13

Gamerchick did 18 months work for you? I'm prepared to do it if that's what it takes. That seems like a long time though!
Wow I might have to go live in the woods or something...

OP posts:

gamerchick · 22/09/2015 22:06

It did indeed OP. If you go totally NC there will come a point you'll be able to concentrate on somebody new again without those feelings you get now.

Original poster

BrightonMum36 · 23/09/2015 06:18

Okay. Well that does make sense and I am prepared to do that as this situation now is really not working for me! Also, no point in coming on here asking for advice and not taking it so I'll give it a go. That, and look into therapy too that wouldn't hurt.
Thank you again everyone for your incredible advice xxxx

OP posts:

Flip

1 2