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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Year 8 (nearly 13 yo) dd won't walk to school alone

73 replies

deliveredby · 21/09/2015 08:42

I know this in in aibu but I need the traffic. I'm at a loss, I'm currently walking part way until it's a busy area just up road from school and leaving house early so hardly anyone sees.

It's a 1.12 mile walk.
There is a bus but she has panic attacks over having to speak to the driver and getting off and it's often late so she panics it won't come.
I have tried sending her and she was a mess. :(

She has Dyspraxia and processing issues and I'm wondering if aspergers too.

There's no one she can walk with.

I'm just worried what would happen if my work hours change and I can't take her.
Has anyone been in the same situation.

OP posts:

Brioche201 · 21/09/2015 08:44

Does she walk other places alone?

Huntthepigsear · 21/09/2015 08:47

Hi Op. Yes, DS1 had exactly the same issue. He has anxiety problems and has previously been under CAMHS. Practising at the weekend and him walking part way and being met my me in the car helped to some degree.
However, it has only resolved itself this year (now year 9) as his younger sibling has started year 7! Not much help, I'm afraid, but just to let you know you're not alone.

Birdsgottafly · 21/09/2015 08:49

Firstly, don't worry about things that might happen in the future (changing work hours), deal with the here and now.

I speak as a parent with two adult DDs with AN.

Can you get the bus with her? You would normally allow six months to a year to build up good travel skills.

You need to work through scenarios, so she has the confidence to deal with a changing situation.

You wouldn't sit by her on the bus, you'd just be present to start with.

You also need get the school on board, so they can take the worry away from her being late.

Mrsjayy · 21/09/2015 08:49

Thats a shame why wont she walk what is she afraid of ? is there no 1 she can meet halfway at all having dyspraxia throughs up all sorts for them dd has it sometimes you have to get them to push through things . Does she have a phone can you say to her to text me at this point then that point so its a focus for her.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2015 08:50

Do you think she may also be getting bullied along the way or fear getting bullied ?

She has the "protection" while inside school but of couse not on the way to/from

Mrsjayy · 21/09/2015 08:51

Throws* sorry

Birdsgottafly · 21/09/2015 08:51

Just to add that my middle DD, who has moderate LDs, became an independent traveller within two terms.

Original poster

deliveredby · 21/09/2015 08:59

She can't tell me what she's afraid of. She just tells me she's lonely. She has got a phone and we've tried the texting at certain points thing. She text me every day utterly panicking , saying she couldn't breath etc.

She won't go anywhere alone other than our local shop on the same street and she will only go at certain times when our friend is on duty.

She won't go to the counter anywhere else in any other shop or food place.

I have caught the bus with her but they took the earlier bus off and while the second one gets there well in time it comes from our nearest city and often gets held up so she won't wait for it unless she really has to.

OP posts:

marmaladegranny · 21/09/2015 09:02

It sounds as if there has been problem at some point - bullying, unpleasant bus driver, a scary place to pass when walking or similar. Is coming home the same problem? Which would be your, not her, preferred option - bus or walking alone? Decide that and then make a plan - could you take her to the bus and wait until she is safely on the bus, or do the bus journey with her? Are the other children from her school on the bus so she just has to get off with them. If walking is your preferred option could she cycle or go on a scooter.
This may well be related to her dyspraxia but can be overcome. My son has very severe dyspraxia but has always coped with travelling with lots of support and contingency plans - we had a plan for if the bus does not come by X o'clock and another plan for if he wasn't home by Y o'clock, amongst others. He's in his 30s now and travels world wide for work and copes, although there have been a few hiccups along the way.

Original poster

deliveredby · 21/09/2015 09:02

Anyfucker she has had name calling in school but it was dealt with and they live the opposite way.

She did have some gentle ribbing one at the start of year seven from an old primary classmate because she was walking with a boy (he's now moved) but nothing major.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 21/09/2015 09:03

Dd walked to school same distance just about she liked leaving at a specific time so she didnt get stuck behind groups of kids the paths are narrow so was overwhelming she did meet her pal halfway they need imo to find coping strategies, when she started college last month she went over and over her bus and train times a million times she text me most of her journey to start with now she is used to it and manages fine and i hardly hear from her during the day.

Mrsjayy · 21/09/2015 09:06

Aww bless her it sounds hard the feeling lonely is a big part of dyspraxia dd used to follow me about the house. What about music dd puts her Ipod earphones in and off she goes

Original poster

deliveredby · 21/09/2015 09:09

Same issue both ways.
No other school kids get the bus due to the time it comes.
She had to catch the bus last week alone due to a meeting. We went through how much the fare was, what to ask for, where to get off, I queried bus fair amount with bus companies office. Told her if it was more she had it.
She got on the bus, the bus driver told her the fare was more and she fell apart.

I left her an hour in the house while I had a meeting at school and she sent me nearly a hundred texts in an hour.

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 21/09/2015 09:11

Sounds like social anxiety to me.

I had this mildly as a kid. I didn't like going places alone, didn't like to pay for things at the counter in shops, etc. I never really delved into what I was afraid of. I guess it was just some vague terror of Getting It Wrong...doing or saying the wrong thing in front of everyone.

I grew out of it eventually.

Original poster

deliveredby · 21/09/2015 09:11

Ironically she's not bothered about college because the college puts free coaches on with an allocated seat which come early!

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 21/09/2015 09:12

What happened when she fell apart on the bus?

Original poster

deliveredby · 21/09/2015 09:13

Cheerfulyank how did you deal with it?
Did your parents MAKE you do the things still?

OP posts:

Original poster

deliveredby · 21/09/2015 09:15

Sorry xpost , she started to get upset so the driver let her on for the fare she had said but didn't give her a ticket, she got herself very worked up. She ended up getting off the bus well before she should have.

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 21/09/2015 09:18

From what I recall, yes. Or...sometimes. When I was really young (8 or so) I remember my mother trying to insist that I pay for something. I remember the panic that welled up to this day. I don't know why! It seems so silly in retrospect. She didn't make me then.

Once I did things (usually because I had to) it was then easier and I could do them again and again. It doesn't really affect me at all now. Except I don't drive, and (never really thought about this before) it may be at the heart of it. I don't know what I'm doing at all, and people might SEE me not know, and it's scary.

In a lot of ways I'm really calm and I suspect most people who know me would be surprised at this! :)

ohtheholidays · 21/09/2015 09:26

Oh bless her poor little girl,I really feel for her it must be bloody awful to constantly feel like that.

I have ocd but I'm 40 and my ocd has got worse now I'm older,it was no way near as bad when I was a child,for that I'm thankful as I'm sure I cope better with it because of being older if it had been so bad when I was a child I'm sure I'd have been a nervous wreck.

We have two children that are both autistic and our DS14 also has to deal with dyspraxia on top of the asd.

Is your little girl getting any help from anywhere for the anxiety?If not then I'd start there it could make a world of difference for all of you.In the meanwhile is there anyone she can walk to school with? a friend her age or older an older sibling maybe?

Another thing that might help is her listening to music with some headphones on as she walks to school,it helps to break the conceration,therfore it could help stop the negative faults which in turn would stop the anxiety.

A lot of children and adults with anxiety,ocd,asd,ect find that listening to music not only helps them block out the sounds around them it also helps them block out many of the extra sensory things that are going on around them which in turn can stop the negative thoughts and anxiety from being able to take hold of them.

We used that technique for a couple of years with our youngest DD(now 8)before we started doing that we couldn't go into town,shops,cafes ect for a very long time.For us it worked from the very first time we tried it and she now no longer needs the music and headphones

I've recommended it to numerous parents and so far they've all had success with it,I hope something works for your DD and yourself.

ohtheholidays · 21/09/2015 09:28

Sorry for the spelling mistakes in the midst of a nasty migraine.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2015 09:30

Poor thing. I hope you can find a way to help her through this.

RainbowRoses · 21/09/2015 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petallic · 21/09/2015 09:36

Can she get a prepaid bus pass - then there's no talking to the driver. Just show it and sit down.

Bunbaker · 21/09/2015 09:38

Watching with interest. DD has social anxiety and won't talk to strangers - bus drivers, anywhere that sells food that isn't self service etc. It is crippling her social life as she would rather stay at home than catch a bus or train to meet her friends (who by now think she is just being attention seeking and have lost patience with her).

After a waiting list of nearly a year she is having CBT sessions and I hope this will help.

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