Year 8 (nearly 13 yo) dd won't walk to school alone

[deliveredby]

I know this in in aibu but I need the traffic. I'm at a loss, I'm currently walking part way until it's a busy area just up road from school and leaving house early so hardly anyone sees.

It's a 1.12 mile walk.
There is a bus but she has panic attacks over having to speak to the driver and getting off and it's often late so she panics it won't come.
I have tried sending her and she was a mess. :(

She has Dyspraxia and processing issues and I'm wondering if aspergers too.

There's no one she can walk with.

I'm just worried what would happen if my work hours change and I can't take her.
Has anyone been in the same situation.

With my dd, we have started with standing next to me while I ask for something in a shop, building up to her asking with me standing next to her so I can help if she needs it, then me standing a few feet behind, then further away at the door of the shop so she is asking herself. Role playing what to do in different scenarios...I think this may take a long time for you but familiarity will help, if you catch the bus with her every day, gradually move towards her getting her own ticket, sitting by herself etc...and as others have said, chat to the school so they are aware and can help at their end.

I have tried your approach Shining, but it doesn't work. DD just clams up.

Sorry to hijack your thread Deliveredby

Other dd has social anxiety only thing that helped was when she started working she was P/T in a supetmarket when she was at college she had to speak to people

You do need to get CAMHS and/or school involved. It can be a big step to make the journey to school and it sounds like quite a long journey! Can she possibly get a bus pass? or can the LA sort out transport for her?

My son is 15, almost 16 and doing his GCSE's. I won't allow him to walk to school or anywhere else for that matter. Not any more. He has been victimised his whole life as a result of his ASD. Things will hopefully change when he goes to college but sadly bullies have a way of spotting their victims a mile off. My son did, at one point, walk to school with his sister but I got a call from the school one afternoon to say that he had to go to hospital as a bully had stamped on his head and face over some trivial nudge in PE. Sadly when kids are "different" its a real issue.

I think part of the bus problem is that she doesn't know when it's coming, which is very difficult with anxiety.

Personally, think walking is the best option...keep doing it with her as long as possible for as far as possible, and she will get more and more used to it. A mile isn't far at all for a Y8 and the exercise may be calming. Could she have some earphones with something she enjoys listening to, so it doesn't feel so lonely?

That's exactly it with the bus. Because of where we are on the route it can turn up anytime between 7.20 and 7.55 and she can't cope with it.

She does have headphones and music, I try to encourage her to just wear one side in because her sense of danger is crap and with both in she can just walk out and not look.

Fannyup that's awful :(

Can your walking with her get shorter iyswim or have you tried that?

Poor girl. Could you follow her at a distance so she knows you are there, even though she is technically walking on her own? Even as close as 5m to start with, very gradually increasing?

Dd (19) still has this problem. We are getting there slowly, at the moment we add (ish) to any times we state, so she has learnt that this can be up to 15 minutes late at which point she can call me. She has a small piece of paper that states which fare she needs and where she needs to get off. It also says I am Autistic at the top. It's taking time but the fact that she's willing to try is a major step forward.

I've tried walking to a half way point and she does the rest. She couldn't cope.

I might try walking behind her again. Last time she just kept waiting for me to walk with me.

Going back to cahms is a good idea.
She has had self esteem, confidence sessions etc at school but to be honest because she is so quiet in school when she has a wobble only her senco staff really seems to get her.

She's been told off in the past for things related to her Dyspraxia and processing :(

Does she do any out of school stuff might help with her confidence i sent dd to a drama group and it really lifted her confidence and esteem, things like sport and dance were beyond her because of her co ordination

She started Karate in May. I had a good chat with instructor first and he is amazing. He's a Dad of three small children so knows how to deal with children and constantly praises her and tells her how good she is doing. I don't think she talks to the other children there other than higher grades helping her. He's let her wait until she is ready to grade (this Weekend eek)

She's starting raf air cadets tomorrow!

.I was very anxious as a child and the only way to get over it, is to push through it 'feel the fear but do it anyway'. Anxiety is like a plant.The more you feed it the more it grows.There is a very fine line for you to walk between supporting and enabling .
I am not sure if this applies to you op so apologies if it doesn't, but so many childen have no independence these days because they are always hovvered over by an adult.They never get the opportunity to learn how to deal with fear and manage risk.
The mum sits with the 4 year old who is afraid of the dark until he is asleep.The parent who tells their 7yr old call they can't call for a friend on the same street alone or their 8 yo go to the corner shop,The poster who won't leave their reluctant 10 yr old home alone for a couple of hours while they do a shop or cringes at the idea of them cooking with a sharp knife.
Then they wonder why, when they get to 13 they are anxious about doing things!

Brioche, it is rarely like that for those with dyspraxia or those on the spectrum. Trust me, we parents work hard to try to help toward independence. I have a 19 year old whom I have just picked up from college, second week, first meltdown, that's not bad in our terms. She can't get the bus, yet, despite the same upbringing, big brother number 1 left home at 17 (now 30) and whilst he chooses to live locally (likes my cooking) is fine. Big brother number 2 also has ASD, but lives independently and is about to go into his third year at university. Each child is different and when you've met one person on the spectrum, you've met one person on the spectrum.

The first part is a neurotypical person walking, the second a person with Autism.

I have a ds with dyspraxia and it doesn't sound like anything to do with this. Ds has no sense of direction, and is uncoordinated, but wouldn't be sent into a tailspin by having to interact with a bus driver.

I did, however, have a mother with terrible social anxiety and this rings true here. How this impacted on my mother's life (and mine) would fill the whole of MN, but in a nutshell I wish she had been helped/guided at an early age to stop it - as Brioche puts it so well - growing like a plant - a virulent weed, actually.

I honestly think in this case it would help to help the dd with the bus. Can you not go with her a couple of times, but she has to do the talking, eg "Single to Newtown, please." Once something is done, it becomes just that little bit less scary. The loneliness aspect is difficult - obviously it would be much better to have someone to go with. I know my paralytically-shy dd wouldn't like to have to go on a bus by herself and she is in Yr 8 too.

Tbf Brioche what has just been said children/teenagers with these sorts of conditions dont process anxiety the same way and they are all different the op is working on this you cant just say there is the bus use it. there is planning endless checking and reassuring. Dd is quite independent but she is nearly 18 she had to build up to things the anxiety etc doesnt vanish she just manages it better. Some days after college she is frazzled over stimulated and cant cope with simple tasks its just hard for them.

Oh meant to say the cadets might be the making of her hope she enjoys it.

In fact I am a bit like this. I'm not a "pack my bag and see where the road takes me" type of person. I pore over bus timetables or train times if I'm goiing somewhere; I stress about parking, or print out maps of park and ride locations... I have a horrible fear of being late and take innumerable measures to avoid such an occurrence.

Perhaps also do a worst case scenario with your dd. So the bus is late, or so the bus doesn't come, or you've lost your bus pass/money etc etc. Feeling that all bases are covered might be helpful.

brioche my post looked snippy didnt mean to be sorry

Ah Ok.I thought dyspraxia was a kind of motor condition? I didn't realise it caused other issues.

When I worked at the school I remember a little boy who always asked me.to get his napkin as lunch. If I didn't, he wouldn't get one. I realized he had the sort of social stuff I had as a kid...he didn't want to walk across the lunchroom and get it. He was afraid that he'd somehow get it wrong. Or maybe that he'd trip. Or a million other things.

One time I made him do it. He tried to just day he didn't need a napkin, but I insisted and he did it. When he sat down he had a big smile on his face and never had an issue again.

It's like that, I think...once they do it, they know it can be done and they are fine. But it's hard. I knew the little boy well enough to know he wouldn't have a meltdown if I insisted he go get a napkin, but others would.

Would it help to maybe go over every scenario that might go wrong? Like saying "If the bus isn't there by X time, call me." "If you lose your bus card, tell the driver you can't find it and need to call your mother."

I do that with DS sometimes if he's anxious about something. Sometimes if I throw in a funny one "if a shark gets on the bus and bites your foot, punch it in the nose" or something, he will laugh and be less nervous.

This is definitely an anxiety issue.

You need bucket loads of patience.

Personally if work tried to change my hours I would argue forcefully against it - because to be honest, if you put too much pressure on her it could develop into bigger phobias/school refusal etc.

CAMHS should be able to help. So will building up by baby steps. Saying goodbye a little further away, push the boundaries carefully. Travelling by bus in the holidays with you.

Try using Bach Flower remedies, lavender, anything to help reduce stress levels.
Is there a breakfast club? Is there a friend she can meet?

It is hard.
(I have had one DC vitually refuse to leave the house for a while, another gets stressed by trains and missing them - not so much buses, another won't use buses but is coping with the train...)
Teenage years are bad years for anxiety - and if they have anything else it can be very hard for them.

Thank you for your advice.
I'm not an extrovert but nothing like this. I will happily chat to people at bus stops/park/shops etc.
I AM a pack your bag and go type of person. I could get on the train tomorrow and go and it wouldn't bother me. I've lived in lots of areas starting from scratch and it doesn't bother me.
Ive always tried to encourage independence. Dd has fought against it all the way.