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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to ask Dp to get up

44 replies

Monkeybabiess111 · 21/09/2015 08:17

Currently I'm getting an average of 3-5 hours a night sleep before it was closer to 6 but I've not had a full nights sleep since January so sorry if this is jumpy.
I feel broken with it, dp works evening and occasionally during the day is it unreasonable for me to ask for 1 night a week, he's off 2 right now he goes to the pub on one and to watch football on the other.
I'm sick of having to do bedtime on my own I've 2 dc that don't sleep for various reasons and I'm working on them but I've been up since 2am.
I asked him could he watch them he won't as he was working and tonight we all have to be out so I was hoping to get some rest so I can focus on it tonight.
He thinks as I don't work I need to do a majority of everything with no extra help, I've been ill the last few days I had to beg him to look after the dc yesterday while one slept and he came in every 15 minutes to tell me something or ask for something then complained I hadn't washed his work stuff and he didn't know how to make the baby's food so I had to go and do it.
Am I being unreasonable to ask him to get up and watch them or should I let him have a lie in as he probably won't get up as he says I got a break yesterday 1.5 hours broken up.

OP posts:

yorkshapudding · 21/09/2015 08:26

You need to stop asking him and start telling him.

SusanIvanova · 21/09/2015 08:27

Oh OP, I am angry on your behalf. No you are not being unreasonable.

You don't work outside the home as you are looking after your children I assume? Because that is work. You stay at home to facilitate him having a job, it's only fair that you share responsibilities on an evening or whenever he is home.

At the moment you are working or on call 24 hours a day, while he gets to relax and rely on you. That isn't right and you need to tell him that it's not right.

ohtheholidays · 21/09/2015 08:35

YANBU but he bloody well is!

Sleep deperavation can make you seriously ill,if it goes on long enough it can cause serious depression which then could lead on to something awful happening.

When you have children together they are both parents responsibility equally.If only one person in the family does the majoritie of all child care and running of the household then they are affectively living like a single parent family with the added stresses of looking after another adult.

That's really not on.I've been a single parent in the past and it was a good time for my children and myself but I didn't have an adult man to look after as well.I did when I was married to my first husband(now ex husband)and it was an exhausting and miserable exsistence for the children and myself.

He may be the one bringing in the money but your the one providing the child care,the one I presume that cleans the house,does the laundry,cooks the meals,does the shopping,dr's and dentist visits,you maybe also pay the bills and balance the books,do the shopping and organizing for all birthdays,anniversarys,christmas ect.

If you weren't there to do all that then he'd be paying out a very large percentage of his wages to cover all those jobs.

Everyone is entitled to some time of,we all need it allows us to breath,to relax,to take in life and what is going on around us.It's good for your soul,emotional,physical and mental health.

Just because he goes out to work doesn't mean he's any more important than you and doesn't mean he has any more right to free time and decent nights sleep.Your equals and he should be treating you as such!

WhoTheFIsJeff · 21/09/2015 08:38

Is be telling him to man the fuck up and look after his children.

Original poster

Monkeybabiess111 · 21/09/2015 08:51

I went and asked him, older dc is sleeping again but the babies not so I asked if he could watch the baby after I've made her breakfast he said no, telling him doesn't really work it makes him angry then be lists everything he does do which makes me sound like I don't do enough.
I don't get free time away from the children he doesn't see the need for it and I don't really talk to anyone so I have no where to go for time away.

OP posts:

SusanIvanova · 21/09/2015 08:56

He doesn't see the need for it? It's not his to see the need for! OP, please, you are worth so much more than this. He treats you like a slave. If he doesn't want to treat you like a person you need to leave.

FatalFemme · 21/09/2015 08:57

Well I've gone from thinking he sounds selfish, to having massive alarm bells ringing after your update.

What does he do when he's angry? Why don't you see people? Did you loose touch with friends, has he encouraged you to drop them? What about family?

Christelle2207 · 21/09/2015 09:03

Yanbu. We have a 2 yr old and a poor sleeping, breastfed baby. Husband has, since I was 7ish months pregnant, done the toddler night/early morning shift so that I can deal with the baby. He usually does toddler bath/bed too.
I'm on mat leave atm so no "work" as such (ha ha). I've never asked him to do all that he just did.

ohtheholidays · 21/09/2015 09:06

OP what you need to think about is this how would you feel in 10,20 years time(not sure how old your DC are)if your children were to tell you that they were now living the way you are,they were the one's that were getting up all through the night to see to they're children,your grandchildren,they were the one's that were expected to do everything by themselves,they were the one's that were left alone all the time,they were the one's that had no one to turn to,they were the one's that were made to feel like they were in the wrong all the time,they were the one's.

Christelle2207 · 21/09/2015 09:07

As an aside, it's not for the faint hearted and you would need your dp's help to do it but we recently sleep trained our 2yr old, it worked after about 4 nights and we're a much happier household since. I know that's not the point tho.

Original poster

Monkeybabiess111 · 21/09/2015 09:11

He gets angry because I ask him to do a lot, if I ask him more than once he starts having ago saying I shouldn't be nagging him he will help more if I didn't, he does take our older do to nursery as the baby is normally feeding.

I moved away from my family and we've just moved back I lost touch with the few people I talked to before moving, I live nearby dm but she tells me it's my job to do everything to as I'm the mum and don't work it's not hard, I feel like it is hard as I'm always exhausted and feeling down a lot that I don't know how to get my point across that just 1 night would help me so much.
I talk to on here and other sites he's not happy as he knows I sometimes talk about us and says I shouldn't and I go to to a bf group but he's his shifts change soon so this week is the last week I'm able to go and we have a swimming class that three of us go to while our older dc is in nursery so we're not always in the house.

OP posts:

Original poster

Monkeybabiess111 · 21/09/2015 09:14

Christelle I have looked at that but out older dc has sn I'm working with ot/psychologists ect to try and find away to help dc1 sleep better.

OP posts:

Perugia · 21/09/2015 09:14

OP it's absolutely not fair that you should shoulder the care of your DC 24 hours a day and get no free time while he has 2 evenings a week to socialise and watch football. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

I'm afraid your partner sounds as if he thinks looking after children isn't real work (it bloody well is!) and that having a job which pays a salary means his needs and wants are superior to yours. Does he give you access to money OP? Sorry if this sounds intrusive but I'm wondering whether you might be being financially abused, it is quite common in this type of situation where a SAHP is dependent on their partner's salary.

This is no way to live. I'd advise having a very serious discussion with him, would you be better off on your own? If you are on a low income you'd be entitled to housing for you and and your children, tax credits and/or income support. You would also be entitled to a free nursery place.

If he doesn't start pulling his weight you are going to burn out. Long term sleep deprivation is no joke and he should be prioritising your health and your needs over going to the pub or watching football.

Stay safe OP for you.

SusanIvanova · 21/09/2015 09:17

Oh sweetheart, every update paints an unhappy picture. You're so used to not having support that you don't even think it's strange. Yes it is hard and no one should have to do it alone. You are not unreasonable to need a break. You are not unreasonable to need help. You are a bloody brilliant mother and a strong woman who has kept going for as long as possible. Longer than I could have kept going.

WhoTheFIsJeff · 21/09/2015 09:19

No you shouldn't be doing everything 24/7. Your dh working is not an excuse to opt out of parenting his dc or doing anything round the house.

It's wrong wrong wrong. Please think about this.

Original poster

Monkeybabiess111 · 21/09/2015 09:20

I couldn't leave him I don't feel I'm at a stage I could, I get ca/cry/cb/dc1 dla I pay all the bills as it covers them and leaves a little extra that I buy the dc things he pays his car insurance and saves the rest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Monkeybabiess111 · 21/09/2015 09:21

Ctc not cry

OP posts:

SusanIvanova · 21/09/2015 09:26

Do you have access to the money he gets? Can you buy yourself things without being told off?

WhoTheFIsJeff · 21/09/2015 09:26

Does he save the rest for himself, do you have access to money? Why are you paying for everything?

AnUtterIdiot · 21/09/2015 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/09/2015 09:27

He should leave, he's a lazy, financially abusive price and crap father.

TowelsOfTheUnexpected · 21/09/2015 09:29

So you do all the household stuff, look after the children and pay all the bills too?

He's a cocklodger. You would be no worse off if you did leave him!

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Original poster

Monkeybabiess111 · 21/09/2015 09:30

Sorry I crossed posts with a few, some people have told me similar to some of what you have said about it not being right, I think so right now but then I always think there's something I could have done differently or should I have just got on with it ect I don't think I actually thing straight half the time especially not recently, If we try and talk he tells me what I should have done and it makes sense but other times I've tried to get him to agree in advance to helping he says he will then he doesn't.

I don't have access to his accounts no we have a joint one he will put money into if I need it for bills, I can buy things but I don't tell him half of what I buy for the dc as he wouldn't be happy.

OP posts:

clam · 21/09/2015 09:31

"your partner sounds as if he thinks looking after children isn't real work"
Unless he's doing it, of course, in which case it's a major arse-ache.

winchester1 · 21/09/2015 09:34

Are you married? Do you have any access to the savings?

Honestly why don't you think you can leave, you already pay all the bills and do all the housework and childcare, surely losing him would make things easier.

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