Aibu to ask Dp to get up

[Monkeybabiess111]

Currently I'm getting an average of 3-5 hours a night sleep before it was closer to 6 but I've not had a full nights sleep since January so sorry if this is jumpy.
I feel broken with it, dp works evening and occasionally during the day is it unreasonable for me to ask for 1 night a week, he's off 2 right now he goes to the pub on one and to watch football on the other.
I'm sick of having to do bedtime on my own I've 2 dc that don't sleep for various reasons and I'm working on them but I've been up since 2am.
I asked him could he watch them he won't as he was working and tonight we all have to be out so I was hoping to get some rest so I can focus on it tonight.
He thinks as I don't work I need to do a majority of everything with no extra help, I've been ill the last few days I had to beg him to look after the dc yesterday while one slept and he came in every 15 minutes to tell me something or ask for something then complained I hadn't washed his work stuff and he didn't know how to make the baby's food so I had to go and do it.
Am I being unreasonable to ask him to get up and watch them or should I let him have a lie in as he probably won't get up as he says I got a break yesterday 1.5 hours broken up.

Book yourself a weekend in a nice hotel. Don't ask him to go, just tell him. You need a rest and he needs to look after his own children occasionally.

Wait, let me get this straight? You are looking after 2 children round the clock without a break (and breastfeeding one of them which is physically demanding) with no sleep, doing all the housework with no support from your partner and you pay the bills?

What does he do with his salary? Does he buy nice things for himself OP? When was the last time you had a haircut, a new pair of shoes or bought yourself something that wasn't for DCs?

Sorry but he sounds like a cocklodger to me.

Do you also cook his food, wash and iron his clothes and clean his mess at home?

he didn't know how to make the baby's food so I had to go and do it

This is significant and it says he doesn't parent at all.

You should not have to do everything and you do need sleep.

Personally, I'd rather do it alone indeed and at least not have to deal with his stuff.

I think you should tell him that you must sleep at least a proper night a week, starting now, or you'll end up mental and walking away and leaving him to deal with it all. That is the reality.

Both of you together should try to sort out the children's sleep, but that may not be entirely possible.
And he should learn and do basic child caring, such as preparing food, deal with clothes.
But he should work with you as a team, or become single.

I got my first hair cut in 2 years 2 months ago he treated me to it, I only buys things for me when I really need them my trainers that I wear were £9 of Amazon but they do the trick of chasing dc1 around.

I don't feel I can leave him as I love him and I do hope things can change in the long run I just have no idea where to start trying to fix it.

Do you think he loves you? Or his kids, even?

You can't fix it. He has to want to.

One haircut in 2 years isn't a treat OP.

The point is, you are in a vulnerable position. You have 2 children with this man and he isn't treating you as an equal partner. He is content to have you on your knees with exhaustion and places his needs above yours.

Does this communicate that he loves you? Sometimes loving someone isn't enough. If you feel worn down, depressed, exhausted, vulnerable, fed-up and tired enough to come on here share your story you know deep down that something isn't right and that this relationship is not a satisfactory one.

My OH treated me in a similar way to you after I gave birth, I got up every 2 hours to feed the baby and regularly found him downstairs at 2-3AM on the sofa, watching TV with a beer. I resented him terrible, in fact for a while I bloody hated his guts.

We had separate bank accounts and I had no access to money. I was totally fucked off with it all.

In the end I got so fed up of carrying the can just because 'he brought home the money' that I packed all of his shit into carrier bags and left it by the front door. When he came home I told him he could take his shit stuff and piss off or he could start helping me around the house, feeding the baby a few nights a week and stop treating me like the hired help.

I am pleased to report that we are now jointly sharing all household responsibilities, he gets up several times a week (yes even when he's working) to attend to our child and takes him out on the weekend for a few hours so I can have a bit of me time.

Things can change, but it requires a shock and a willingness to change.

Wow - please please please contact Womens Aid.
Talk to them about this.
Hopefully they can help you to see this for what it is.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your upbringing means you feel this is what it is supposed to be like and that you aren't worth any more than this.
Your mother has taught you some very damaging lessons.
You will pass on the same lessons to your DC.... and so the cycle continues.
But, you can break that cycle.
You can teach your children that this is NOT OK. That women are to be treated with love and respect.

I don't believe for a minute you LOVE him.
I think you love the idea of the ideal man but this man is not the ideal man.
The scales are falling but they haven't gone totally.
You haven't found the final straw yet, but it's just around the corner.
I hope for your sake and the sake of your DC you find your back bone, pick your self esteem up off of the floor and kick this cocklodging, abusive arsehole into touch sooner rather than later.

Things are very unlikely to change. He's abusive. I hope you can get support from WA or similar to get rid of him.

So he works but pays nothing into the household?

At the absolute minimum he should be -

Paying half of the bills, including rent council tax etc.
Contributing towards the children's costs
Paying half the food bill
Getting up with the children at least 2 nights per week. If he doesn't have to be up first thing for work them he can get up in the night.
Getting up with the children when you've had a bad night so you can sleep
Doing some cleaning / tidying

Have you pointed out to him that you would easily manage alone since he does and pays jack shit in the relationship?

I'm so angry, what kind of man allows the money your child is entitled to to subsidise his living costs while paying nothing himself. The dla should be paying for bits for your child to make life easier not paying his share of the rent.

The dla money does go on dc1 I've always made sure he has everything he needs from it that doesn't go on the bills for the house, I do love dp we've had a tough time.
I had really bad mental health problems after dc1 and he stuck by me so when he's being like this as he can be nice so I feel I can't not try and fix us, it's only been a few months of this as I've been feeling down and he says I need to get on with it to feel better.
I'm not good in conflict or ultimatums I give in to what ever people want as I get scared of people's reactions.
I'm noting down some of the things you've wrote that he should be doing and I'm hoping we can try and talk it threw I don't think I get my point across clearly when we try as I get muddled up a lot then, I worry about what I tell people incase I am overreacting (right now I'm scared I am just being silly about it).
I hope we can talk about it he's just getting up so I hope I can get dc2 to nap while dc1 lies up in the couch as he's ill.

Perugia he say he loves me, my Dp sounds like he acts like your dh used to I routinely find him on the couch watching TV, your post is making me think a lot about trying an ultimatum I just don't know how or what to do as he knows I probably wouldn't follow threw.

He may believe you if he finds his stuff packed outside the door.

Call Womens Aid and get some advice from them.
Most of all, sign up to their Freedom Programme.
Your boundaries are all over the place and you need to re-install them.
This course will help with that.
You will be able to see all the red flags that are flying in your face but you don't seem to see.
We would all love for you to work on this and him be able to listen and step up.
Unfortunately, no-one on here is going to encourage you to stay in an abusive relationship. Which is what this is!!
If you can't attend the course then you can do it on-line.
Please don't believe that this is all you are worth and how women should be treated.

You are feeling down and could be depressed and he is telling you 'to get on with it'!! That is not OK.
Please go to your GP and get some help for this.

I hope you see this for what it is very soon. It's not fair to keep your poor DC in this environment!

No man who loved his partner would treat them like this. You are clearly close to breaking point and he'd rather see you get there than help with the kids for an hour.

Do you have anyone else in real life who could come round and give you an hours break?

I don't have anyone I can ask, both were asleep there so I just lay in bed for an hour, I couldn't quite shut off properly as I'm thinking about everything everyone is saying, thanks for all your thoughts/advice.

This is not ok. Please look on the women's aid website.

This is all not ok. I understand that you've had a hard time with your mental health in the past and he's stuck by you, but that was then, this is now.
I can't understand how he can leave you to do literally everything with the DC and pay the bills and run the home. It does make you sound like a slave. I agree with the pp who said that it sounds like your upbringing hasn't helped you realise what a good relationship is like. Your mother sounds almost as bad. None of this is your fault. You are a great mum to your DC you're breastfeeding which is bloody hard work in itself never mind anything else.
I also understand why you don't want to leave him. However that doesn't mean you should stay. You deserve so much better than this

Thankyou I've taking on board what everyone's said, I feel stupid and embarrassed to admit how bad things get at times especially when things seem ok at other times, I'm going to think about it all properly later as its just me and the dc this afternoon.