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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not allowing sleepover

33 replies

vdbfamily · 19/09/2015 19:42

My 12 year old DD has a friend in our village that she sees most days and has already seen today. She asked this evening if she could sleepover at friends house and I refused. I said that I was ok with sleepovers in holidays or for a special occasion but not just randomly in the middle of termtime as she often returns tired and grumpy. I said she could go and see the friend this evening until 9.45 and that we would walk and meet her then. Apparently we are completely unreasonable and are ruining her life. She knows of no other parents in the world who would refuse their 12 year olds a sleepover whenever they wanted. So...wise Mumsnetters, AIBU?

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2015 19:44

I would allow this on a Saturday night so yabu IMO.

lavenderbongo · 19/09/2015 19:44

Having just had a sleepover with five 11 year olds and had to deal with someone throwing up at about 1.30 in the morning over two sleepbags and an inflateable mattress - you are not being unreasonable!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/09/2015 19:47

I'd probably say no as it's last min.

Oysterbabe · 19/09/2015 19:47

I used to stay over with a friend often at that age and not just in the holidays. I think yab a bit u.

JeffsanArsehole · 19/09/2015 19:47

Depends if you have other children and want a night of sex, curry and beer

Coz that's literally my only criteria with regards to sleepovers

Plus you can tell her before she goes she's only allowed if she does these half a dozen boring chores tomorrow with a cheerful face and no grumpiness

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 19/09/2015 19:50

My 2 have a friend each over and are currently playing x-box together in the other reception room. They're 13 and the two guests are staying the night.

The sleepover was brought about by the need of our friends to have childcare for the night, but the 4th boy came along because they all wanted to be together. I think it's nice they can have fun together but I'm pretty confident they'll all sleep when we say it's time for bed (will probably be around 10).

So I kind of think YABU but if you doubt your daughter will sleep that's totally your call.

(If anyone's looking for the fence I'll stand up!!!)

PrimalLass · 19/09/2015 19:50

YABU.

JohnCusacksWife · 19/09/2015 19:52

Personally I'd jump at the chance to get rid of mine on a Sat night! Not sure why you'd say no if you're happy with the friendship & know the other girl's parents.

Kim82 · 19/09/2015 19:54

I think YABU. It's the weekend, she can catch up on sleep tomorrow night. Ds(14) texted me at 4.30pm yesterday asking if his friend could stay over. I said yes, I don't see the harm and I don't see how it being last minute makes a difference.

GrandHighWitch · 19/09/2015 20:04

Ordinarily I would say YABU. That was before DH and I spent last night being driven insane by 5 12/13 year old boys who refused to sleep. The little feckers were given a 12 pm finish and were still leaping all over the house at 3.30am despite repeated insistence that they shut the fuck up and go to sleep.

We have banned all same-room sleepovers till the end of term which is big for us as we seem to be constantly housing half the children in the county and are fucking idiots really relaxed about sleepovers.

Original poster

vdbfamily · 19/09/2015 20:06

okay.....I am now going to be accused of drip feeding and I did debate whether to include this information at the start but wanted to get an honest idea in general about peoples views of sleepovers. This is a girl she has known since pre-school. She seems a very controlling friend who has in the past, lied to DD's other friends to try and break up the friendships so she gets DD to herself. She has recently been checking up on DD so if she says she is at her grandparents,she will ring here to ask us where DD is. She has also been known to bunk off school. I know for a fact that on sleepovers they sleep on the sofa and fall asleep to the tv playing at 11pm or later and that the 7 year old sister is also still up at this time. The mum has just turned 30 and treats DD like a sister with stories about date rape,boob jobs,whether lesbian sex is better or worse than straight sex etc. I would never ban her from seeing friends she chooses to be with but I may be trying to limit the amount of time she spends with this particular friend and so maybe the rules about holidays and birthdays allow me to have a reason for this without sounding to judgy to her.Am I still being unreasonable.

OP posts:

reni2 · 19/09/2015 20:06

I'd have said yes. But only you know how tired she gets.

Spartans · 19/09/2015 20:07

I think Yabu. Dds friends all live quite far away, so last minute sleep overs are a bit of a bind.

Ds best friend lives next door, we let them sleep over whenever as long as it's not a school night. I don't see the problem

ihatethecold · 19/09/2015 20:08

Yabu. My dd12 loves having a sleepover. They're fun.
Yes they look like death warmed up the following day but they can go to bed early on Sunday night.

Spartans · 19/09/2015 20:09

Wtf? So you said no because you don't like them, not because it's not a special occasion?

That 2 totally different threads.

I have an 11year old and just turned 30. Why is that relevant

PrimalLass · 19/09/2015 20:10

Seriously? That's the most epic drip feed ever.

JeffsanArsehole · 19/09/2015 20:11

Well I would limit time with this kids family entirely

I wouldn't allow a sleepover with that lot at all

GrandHighWitch · 19/09/2015 20:13

no YANBU at all - now you are minimising your DD's exposure to age inappropriate information and immersing herself too deeply into a controlling friendship.
That makes the situation completely different to your original post - but you know that already!

FatalFemme · 19/09/2015 20:16

That's not a drip feed, that's a tsunami feed.

HamaTime · 19/09/2015 20:17

I am now going to be accused of drip feeding

No shit!

TheWitTank · 19/09/2015 20:18

Well that's a completely different situation to your original post! I would let my teen have a sleepover on a Saturday, but I wouldn't be encouraging that friendship at all.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 19/09/2015 20:20

YANBU, I'd be trying to cool the relationship with this other child TBH.
Sleepovers would be at our house only.

Original poster

vdbfamily · 19/09/2015 20:34

Apologies for the sunami feed!!! I genuinely wanted pure feedback about sleepovers generally and can see that my view of them has probably been warped by wanting to slightly limit how often my oldest stays at this friends house.(My 9 year old DD is at a friends tonight but that is a birthday party)
The only reason the mothers age is appropriate is because she treats my 12 year old like a mate rather than in a motherly way because there is so much less of an age gap. My DD is also 5'11" tall and people are often tempted to treat her like an adult as she could pass for one. I do not 'not like' them and often stop for chats with the mum if we meet dog walking etc. I would just prefer that my DD felt free to spend her time equally with other friends without getting into trouble for it.And I would prefer she were not subject to such adult conversation and that she not watch post watershed tv.I try really hard to remove my 'judgy pants' about DD's friends but it is hard to balance that with protecting her appropriately. Her new secondary school friends I find even more difficult as I don't know the parents at all. One friend she wanted to stay with she said ' don't worry about me mum,the dad's not there, he's in prison for being violent.' The next friend who invited her to stay, I drove her round and the mum was not even in to say hello to, and a bunch of 11 year olds were being dropped off for a sleepover!! The 3rd friend, she asked to be dropped at a petrol station to meet the friend who lived round the corner. I got out and asked the friend for her address.She could not tell me(because she moved 3 years ago!! A 12 year old) I made her phone her mum who then gave me the address and contact number before I let them wander off. Seriously, is it just me. All 3 sleepovers were fine and my daughter is actually quite sensible but it is SO hard to get the balance right.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 19/09/2015 20:36

I am white water rafting on the drip feed.

Sleepovers-yes but this particular one-no.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 19/09/2015 20:40

This thread is good for showing the people who only ever comment based on the OP....

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