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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To despair at dsd

35 replies

Onedirectionarestillloved · 19/09/2015 11:55

Ok I expect to get flamed.

Poster about dsd before.

At the time she was 18 and had just had a miscarriage.
It was to a guy she barley knew but they were you know, so in love going to get married have a family and live happily ever after. They have now split up .

She already has a child to someone else and slags the fathers fc repeatedly on face book to the extent that her auntie has U friended her, her dad has told her to stop it ( countless times) her own sister has poster that she must stop doing this on a public forum.

Anyway she has skated the father of her child so bad,y that he has retaliated and posted that she is pregnant again to a completely different nan / boy!

She has been with him around 14 days!!

He has Also said that she has een giving out her phone number Gomez/ teenagers and when a friend of his asked her why, her response was "for a booty call"

In other words phone me if you want a fuck.

The e. Has also named a ma. She has approached who she knows is in a relationship.

I have no doubt that all this is true.

I am horrified and feel like shouting " what in the name of God are you doing?"

She works pt in a bar- it's latenight and mainly younger people. And that she doesn't get along with any of the other women at all, none of them.ike her.

She has admitted that she flirts with all the men and I am worried about this.

She has also said that she gets called a slut but that it doesn't bother her.

She doesn't live with us and I don't feel it is my place to speak to her the way I woyl my own dd.

If she weed my own dc I would be telling her like it is.

When I speak to Dp about her , her gets a bit defensive then says if he says too much or expresses disapproval towards get she will retaliate and tKe her son away from us.
This is true she has done it GeForce. She has a,so done this with the baby's father.

We all have to tie the line or else she withdraws contact.

Dontt know what I'm asking really .

I cNtspeak to anyone in rl as quite frankly what the hell can they say .

I feel like slapping her to be honest.

I know she needs support but she does t listen.

Seems as though everything we say ( or anyone else for that matter ) is disregarded.

OP posts:

Original poster

Onedirectionarestillloved · 19/09/2015 11:57

Sorry for all the typos.

Fwiw none of her siblings act like this.

OP posts:

emotionsecho · 19/09/2015 12:06

The honest answer is you can't do anything, she is over 18, an adult and how she chooses to live her life is up to her. She doesn't live with you and it isn't your place to speak to her it is up to her mum and dad.

The only thing you can do is stand by ready to pick up the pieces and help her if she asks you to.

Gruntfuttock · 19/09/2015 12:07

If she doesn't bother with contraception, does she protect herself against STDs?
Sorry, but some of the typos were very funny.

Jackie0 · 19/09/2015 12:10

Some people just seem hellbent on making their life a car crash for no obvious reason and in my experience it makes no odds if they are 18 or 48, so sadly I don't think you will be able to steer her onto a better course.
She's an adult and not living in your home so be grateful for that.
I wouldn't get too involved if I were you. Keep it light and pleasant, there's nothing to be gained by confrontation.

Original poster

Onedirectionarestillloved · 19/09/2015 12:11

Grunt- I doubt she is proctologist herself at all, she wouldn't be getting pregnant otherwise.

She swore it was an accident the first time as her dad was furious with her, but it can't still be an accident can it?

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 19/09/2015 12:13

I think I would talk to her in a I'm worried about you kind of way. Take her for a coffee and say you are not her mum but you care about her and want to talk with her like adults. To me this sounds like attention seeking and complete lack of self worth. It depends how much you want to get involved as I doubt it will be easy but if you do then let her know you are there for when she wants to talk, you won't judge but will listen and do your best to help her make good decisions. No idea of that would work but that's where I would start. Good luck op.

wizzywig · 19/09/2015 12:14

Ill probably get slated for this, but let her mess up her own life. She sounds a nightmare.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 19/09/2015 12:17

I remember you posting about her before OP, let her fuck her life up, some people cannot be helped.

Gruntfuttock · 19/09/2015 12:19

wizzywig she has a child, and another one on the way though, so it may not be just her own life she's messing up. Not that I would know what to do about it. She doesn't sound as if she would listen to anyone expressing concern about her behaviour anyway.

Jackie0 · 19/09/2015 12:21

Your priority is your dp, I wouldn't say or do anything that would cause friction n your own relationship.
She isn't your problem so don't let her become one .

ilovesooty · 19/09/2015 12:36

Let your partner worry about her if he wants to. You don't have to get involved. If she's on your Facebook defriend or block her.

ilovesooty · 19/09/2015 12:38

And if you aren't married to her father she isn't your step daughter is she?

Sleepybunny · 19/09/2015 12:42

I agree with mOtherofdragons. Sounds like she's on a very self distructive mission.

Other than offering love, friendship and support, I'm not sure what else you can do.

Fannyupcrutch · 19/09/2015 12:44

This is a case of incredibly low self-esteem and a poor girl that feels worthless and disposable. She is putting herself in dangerous situations to tempt fate and continue the cycle...... she knows that she will be used and dumped after sex and so by them doing that they are proving her right and reiterating her need to follow the pattern and drive her further down into a spiral. She is using sexual attention to validate her existence and get a few moments of comfort and intimacy to boost her confidence and to feel wanted. She is getting pregnant with any baby so she gets the attention and she is doing to try and recreate the perfect family she is so desperate to be a part of.

Is there a possibility that this girl has been sexually abused as a child? It may be worth asking her. Also, get her to go to the GP and get a referral to the mental health team. She very likely has some complex underlying issues. She certainly isn't acting this way by choice, rather she is in a destructive pattern and it's only going to get worse. I would very likely have been dead by now if nobody had helped me when I was younger.

And all you people that are pouring scorn on her, you have no idea what has caused the absolute soul-destroying hell that this girl is likely going through. Happy healthy children don't just flip for no reason and become fucked up adults.

goawayalready · 19/09/2015 12:49

can you be positive with her about the baby at least? try and get her onside or is she defencive? im afraid it sounds like she needs supporting not slapping

or you could let her fuck up her life more and leave her to it

you're in a difficult position i don't envy you

BristolMum321 · 19/09/2015 13:00

What harm would it do to have a kind chat with her? She might get cross\react badly in some way, but you have the benefit of being older & so I'm sure you are capable of taking any outburst on the chin.

I agree that she has become a bit mixed up & craves affection so much that she'll take it wherever she can find it...........they'll be many wise old souls on here who will have done the same at some point in their lives, myself included, although perhaps not so extreme or so publicly.

For your own sake it might be the right thing to do to at least try. I would feel terribly guilty for not trying. She's only young for goodness sake.

In your shoes I'd have a go & would perhaps try to find a counsellor for her to talk to, someone who can unravel why her thinking has become a bot confused so that she can understand herself better. With that knowledge, she'll be in a better position to make good decisions.

ilovesooty · 19/09/2015 13:08

Surely she's old enough to decide for herself if she wants to talk to a counsellor?

JawannaDrink · 19/09/2015 13:08

She's been with this guy for 14 days? Then if she is somehow pregnant already, how would even she know it, let alone everyone else? I think you should stop believing everything you read on Facebook, for a start.

BrandNewAndImproved · 19/09/2015 13:12

Agree with fanny

MaisieDotes · 19/09/2015 13:19

As PPs have said, she isn't your responsibility. She's an adult woman who is making her own choices.

If you feel concern for her, you can express that by being there for her if/ when things come crashing down.

cremeeggboycotter · 19/09/2015 13:35

I think you should unfollow her on facebook to avoid the drama. Miscarriage can really, really mess with your head and it sounds like she wasn't in the best place prior to it. I'd be suggesting counselling- to speak to someone neutral.

OneDay103 · 19/09/2015 13:39

I feel sorry for her but as she is an adult there's not much you can do. Unfortunately her behaviour is going to lead to many people taking advantage and abusing her. Your dp needs to deal with this, don't get dragged in.

Brioche201 · 19/09/2015 14:05

Firstly it is none of your business.
Secondly I very much doubt if she has only been with this guy 14 days she knows she is pregnant by him, let alone has told her ex knowing.

She is using sexual attention to validate her existence and get a few moments of comfort and intimacy to boost her confidence and to feel wanted or she might just like sex! [whispers] some women do , you know.

cremeeggboycotter · 19/09/2015 15:53

Secondly I very much doubt if she has only been with this guy 14 days she knows she is pregnant by him, let alone has told her ex knowing.

I'd be amazed too if she did. She'd have had to have met and shagged him the day she was ovulating, both be extremely fertile and have taken an early test already.

Original poster

Onedirectionarestillloved · 19/09/2015 16:56

Thanks for your replies.

I suppose only time will tell.

Yes she is an adult and she can do as she pleases that is true for everyone but it is only natural to feel concerned for her.

Whether she likes sex of not is not the point she isn't using sufficient protection either against pregnancy or stds.
Also flirting with men whom she knows full well are not single is s path to heartache.
She has moaned before that girls don't like her and that she has no female friends. Now I'm beginning to understand why.

It is hard to watch her on this path.
A few months back she was all for marrying the father of her first child then that turns sour. Then she got pregnant straight away to the second guy and that ended, bAdly.
Now we here she is pregnant Again.
It is all In a very short space of time but that is the reality of the situation.

Some women are fertile some have sex straight away with a man.
Don't think I will suggest counselling as she knows the testy of what being a single parent is.

We are seeing her later and I will keep things light and airy as always.
Not sure how much patience her father will have though.

OP posts:

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