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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think SIL is a bit OTT

36 replies

RyanORiley · 18/09/2015 12:19

SIL has been badgering me about whether me and DH are trying for a family for a while. Checking whether I am drinking alcohol at family gatherings, asking a lot in her (frequent) emails, that kind of thing. Finally mumbled something about well we've stopped trying to avoid me getting pregnant" at the weekend.

Yesterday she drove an 80 mile round trip to PILs house to get DH's childhood toys out of the lift for her DD. Not her own childhood toys, DH's.

I'm now foreseeing a future of lots of pushy-shovieness over things like kid's birthday parties and babysitting by PILS. AIBU to think this might just be the start of some sort of weird sibling/cousin rivalry nonsense?

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 18/09/2015 12:25

Yes it does, and she doesn't sound OTT, she sounds unhinged.

Perhaps you should tell her to mind her own business. And when you say it don't mumble.

DisappointedOne · 18/09/2015 12:27

A) it's none of her business and you shouldn't have said anything
B) your husband should be asking for those toys back. Now.

CrapBag · 18/09/2015 12:27

Why did your ILs let her take your DH's toys? They weren't hers to take. He should be very annoyed with her.

She sounds like hard work. Tell her it is absolutely none of her business and you will ignore all further conversations with her on this subject matter.

Nosy cow!

And yes YANBU. It does sound like years of hard work and competitiveness from her. Try and disengage and ignore ignore ignore!

MistressMerryWeather · 18/09/2015 12:34

Is she normally nice?

Could she be fixing them up or planing to do something with them for your baby?

RhodaBull · 18/09/2015 12:42

Hmmm, reminds me of sil presenting the pil on the occasion of ds's birth with a huge Venture photography type thing of her dds with "We love you Granny and Grandad" stuck on it. She must have had it done in advance and waited for the news of ds's arrival so she could zoom round to present them with it.

Luckily (?) pil didn't care two hoots about any of the gcs.

HoggleHoggle · 18/09/2015 12:46

Really rude. And weird, to be honest.

Is she usually competitive?

Does your dh get on with her?

I also am wondering why the hell her parents let her leave the house with those toys.

Original poster
RyanORiley · 18/09/2015 12:54

I know I shouldn't have said anything. She just wore me down. I honestly didn't expect such an aggressive reaction to it though. I suspect she told ILs she was going in loft for something else.

She was very nice to me when DH and I started going out. Maybe a bit too nice with hindsight. Recently the nice has been mixed with nosy, with nosy getting bigger part of the mix.

She was a bit of a drama queen over me and DH's wedding- tried to insist that the chef let her into the kitchen to cook her DD's lunch when the main courses where being served, as she couldn't but at the time I just put it down to being a bit over protective with her first child.

She also asked for her DD to be a flowergirl. It was going to be a v low key thing with no attendants as it was a small wedding of under 20 people. But I thought it would be nice for the little girl so I said OK. Then when we went looking for flowergirl dresses she nixed every suggestion I made. Everytime I said I liked something she suggested she would change her mind about it and say it wasn't suitable after all. Then she said she'd prefer DN wasn't a flowergirl after all as she was too young (2). Again, I thought it was just a bit PFB syndrome.

But now I think her DD is the cover story for some serious sibling rivalry issues she has going on.

OP posts:
Turquoisetamborine · 18/09/2015 12:57

Are the toys valuable Millennium Falcon type heirlooms? If so then insist on getting them back. If not then be thankful your house won't be cluttered up with crap.
Very odd behaviour though. Does she have kids of her own?

QuiteLikely5 · 18/09/2015 12:59

Do yourself a massive favour and keep her at arms length. Do this from today and you will not regret but it will irritate the life out of her.

Keep conversations light and airy, do not give much detail away to her about anything. Inc holidays etc, tell her things on a need to know basis only.

Watch out the witch thinks you are stepping on her territory and she's going to do anything she can to get in your way.

AbeSaidYes · 18/09/2015 12:59

Could SHE be pregnant?

Original poster
RyanORiley · 18/09/2015 12:59

Oh god Rhoda that reminds me. SIL chose to hand out photographic thank you cards to family for DD's birthday (2 months before) at our wedding. It's what she handed me when we were greeting people at the front door with champagne right after the church. She said she'd been too busy to get them organised before, which I took at face value at the time as I had a million other things going on in my head.

DH keeps her at arm's length and avoids her as much as possible without being downright rude/excluding himself from all family gatherings.

Oh christ, this is going to be nuts isn't it.

OP posts:
HoggleHoggle · 18/09/2015 15:26

The more you say, the more of an absolute horror she sounds. Poor you.

TwmSionCati · 18/09/2015 15:30

" SIL chose to hand out photographic thank you cards to family for DD's birthday (2 months before) at our wedding. It's what she handed me when we were greeting people at the front door with champagne right after the church."

oh goodness that is a bit weird.
Arms length, OP, arms length, follow your DH's lead.
As for DH's toys, OK that is really odd.
As is the constant badgering about your being preg.
Bizarre.

maybebabybee · 18/09/2015 15:31

Shameless place marking, I love a nutty SIL thread.

My sympathies to you OP, she sounds like a NM. OTT is a massive understatement!

Norest · 18/09/2015 16:42

She handed out thank you cards for her daughter's birthday at your wedding? that is beyond strange!

Yea guessing she has some competition issues. Is she your DH's only sibling? Is she older or younger than him?

Original poster
RyanORiley · 18/09/2015 17:35

She is DH's older sister, just the two of them.

Spoke to DH about the toys. He went pale and got this look on his face of "oh god here we go again".

He said he would have warned me about her when we were first going out, but he thought it might sound a bit weird and didn't want to put me off him. Then didn't know how to bring it up.

He did drop some hints to be fair- about his mum and sister really not getting on when she was a teenager and it made his home life a bit unhappy. I thought it was just normal mum/daughter growing up boundaries stuff.

She did once say to me something about DH being really clever at school and she couldn't compete with that. I did think that was a funny way of looking at things. But I'm an only child so I don't really have much to go on.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 18/09/2015 17:38

This pisses me off as much as all those people who insist on everyone's 'right' to be at a birth no matter what the actual labouring woman wants or needs. It is beyond rude. Next time she makes a comment about your not having kids (whether it's by choice or not is irrelevant, it is just as rude and inappropriate either way), ask her when she last had an orgasm or how regular her shits are. When she acts horrified, say, "Oh, goodness. Was that an incredibly rude, intrusive and presumptuous comment that I had no right to make? Wow. I am so embarrassed."

You could also ask her what's wrong with her own childhood toys - if she's so devoted to the holy grail of motherhood, you'd think she'd martyr herself to the hilt, no?

What a cowbag.

Fatmomma99 · 18/09/2015 17:41

Jaw dropping as I read through all this....

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 18/09/2015 17:45

I think it is harsh to be being mean about her now if your DH was always the golden child.

Growing up, I was the eldest, and one of my brothers could do no wrong. The level of support and input he received from my parents throughout his late teens and early twenties was far in excess of what I received. I was never made to feel worthless, but he always had their unswerving loyalty and they were so very proud of him - my Mum was always far worse for this than my Dad.

I get on very well with my brother now, and my parents have I think realised what they used to do - my relationship with them has improved immeasurably and we have a very even adult relationship. They have been hugely supportive and involved with our DC - and I would be lying if I didn't admit that it has been lovely to be the golden daughter for a few years.

Brother is currently divorcing his wife, and has no children yet, but I can't say that I wouldn't wonder about the change in dynamic within the family if he was to start a family. I hope I would be rational and adult about it, but when there is a long-playing family dynamic involved then sometimes things just press your emotional buttons.

Sorry for the ramble. All I am saying is that it is easy for your DH to brand her a loon if he has always basked in the glow of 100% parental approval.

RachelZoe · 18/09/2015 17:45

Oh god. Brace yourself for crazy. She sounds very "challenging".

It is so rude to ask about when people are having babies, for all she knows you're crying yourself to sleep every night because you're struggling to conceive.

Keep your distance, don't rise to it. Try to see the funny side, there is excellent comedy value in these types of situations.

I love a nutty SIL thread.

Me too maybe Grin

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 18/09/2015 17:46

The questioning is plain weird though, no excuse for that.

Theycallmemellowjello · 18/09/2015 17:47

How did you hear about the toys? I am a bit confused as to why there were separate toys for her and your DH? Surely as he was younger many of his toys were inherited from her? Do you mean they are 'boy' toys?

Original poster
RyanORiley · 18/09/2015 18:27

Theycallme she told me in an email. He did get some toys of his own when he was born and also as birthday/Xmas presents. There were just a few favourite things he asked his mum and dad to keep after he moved out- literally a couple of special things (a donkey on wheels and a soft toy). She had already collected her own toys and all the shared toys.

Alibabs I know what you mean by golden child (and also scapegoat)- my mum was the scapegoat, my aunty was the golden child in my family. But DH is defintiely not the golden child.

His mum is and was very, very even handed between the two of them. His Dad and SIL are closer than DH and his dad are. They have a very "Daddy's Girl" type relationship, he really dotes on her.

DH literally just got better marks at school than she did. TBF he got better marks at school than most people, especially maths. And he went out of his way not to brand her a loon.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 18/09/2015 18:34

Hm - well if she told you herself I would presume it's so that you know where they are and can ask for them back if you have kids who get to an appropriate age. Otherwise, why tell you? I'd imagine that there'll be a decent age gap between her DD and any DC you have, so I'm sure the toys can be passed on. In my family it would be fine for the toys to be used by different family members, but I do accept that every family's different. Still, I think that if you ask that your DN does not play with your DH's toys as they are to be kept for your unborn child you might be perceived as the one who is causing trouble.

Theycallmemellowjello · 18/09/2015 18:38

I completely agree that the questioning was rude and OTT, by the way, I guess I just feel that if she is not actually horrible, I wouldn't impute the worst motives to her. Perhaps she does feel jealous of your DH, but I don't feel that she has actually done anything deliberately nasty, rather she has just been gauche and is letting her insecurities show. I guess I'm saying that even if she is U, it is likely to be better all round to have a friendly relationship in future and being sympathetic to her is obviously going to be more conducive to this.