AIBU to think we should both be able to work full time and have to make compromises?

[leftyloosy]

I start a new job on Monday, full time. I was a teacher for 13 years, part time in the last few years (3 days). The job had worn me down and I needed to change, so I handed my notice in and found something new. It is office based, advisory role. It is an hour commute, and 35 hours a week. I will be 9-5pm mostly, with some travel away for training and some late working which is rotated.

Dh works from home as a consultant for a small company. His job involves some travelling, but it isn't regular. Some months there will be none, and then others once a week.

I haven't even started yet and he has started to get cranky about my new job and how it will affect him. He's been asked to go to London next week, but I am already booked to go on a training thing, so he can't because of childcare. He is angry as he feels he is being looked upon negatively at work for having to turn it down. He's been working there two years and says he never would have accepted the job if I'd been full time in my new job.

Is it really unreasonable of me to have accepted a job I really want, be a use it will mean he can't always take last minute jobs away and because it might ha e an impact on his work, instead of it just being my job to sort out childcare?

This is a genuine AIBU, I am cross with him, but wonder whether I was daft to accept this job.

Thanks. I think that is our downfall. We don't have any family nearby. Which seems to be what most people rely on.

What do you do for childcare? If it's a childminder would they be able to extend the DC hours for the brief time that DH is away?

We use the school wrap around care. Thing is he could go, he could leave as soon as I got back. But he doesn't want to go so late. A lot of it is him not wanting to do anything that inconveniences him.

You need to get some other childcare systems in place- au pair/ babysitter etc. you are not being unreasonable but this needs planning. Not everyone has family support.

Yanbu.

Sounds like he might have got used to being able to do these things for work after having DC because your previous job meant you could cover things at home. So he's been shielded from some of the consequences on work of becoming a parent and is now required to face it.

The negative impact on his career of having responsibilities for DC is something many many parents go through, especially women! He needs to adjust, find workarounds or (with you) sort out the best possible childcare, eg CM willing to do the odd session, ad hoc nanny! Which won't be easy and I assume a regular nanny is unaffordable for you.

Agree with others - you need a flexible childminder, and I'm surprised you didn't both look to sort this out before, tbh. What happens if you both have something that can't be cancelled?

as a sixth former a few of my friends I did a fair bit of ad hoc babysitting for a local family in a similar position: would pick the DC up from after school care, take them home and make them tea and get them ready for bed. Nice little earner for us an we weren't bad at all at looking after the DC!

There is childcare out there, finding it is a challenge!

We both had jobs that predated kids, and involved travel. We made it very clear to both sets of work that it was first come, first served. So if they planned things in advance (hahaha) they were likely to get the dates. If they left it to the last minute, it was more likely there would be clashes.

But then both sets of travel were usually movable, so they either went ahead without us, or changed the date!!

My mother has also visited occasionally, and stayed here with the kids, without either of us in the country when there was a one day overlap.

He doesn't want to go late? As in he will get to London late, but not miss anything, or he will miss the start?

How old are the kids? Is there a friend who they could have a play date with til you get back?

YANBU.

So the family had a "go to" ad hoc babysitter able to do pick ups, plus a couple of fall-backs.

We don't need this at present and DC's school is a drive away which complicates things, so we exchange favours with other families, eg I had a work trip last week on a day when after school club finished too early for DH to get back and a friend had my DC for tea until 6.30pm: I will have hers another time or help her in some other way.

It's teething problems and you need to view it as such. We have a system in our house where we put all travel on our calendar. First one on there gets priority. The other will work around. But if, for example, there was a proper clash, eg both had important events we would then look at options. One getting somewhere a little late or using sitters. You need to be strong on this and consistent.

We don't do "first come first served" as our employers are quite different, we do it by priority each time.

DH is the higher earner and that is unlikely to change so I have made a lot more compromises work wise, which is hard at times at work (eg when colleagues who work long hours get the best work, kudos, promotion etc) but overall he does his fair share and we do well as a team. It's still me that organises childcare mind you: we have recently had words about this!

We didn't talk much as his answer would have been that I 'can't' take it as it would mess with childcare. I didn't want to work full time, but I desperately didn't want to be a teacher anymore. It was killing me.

He hates complicated thinking a out anything. So instead of a rational conversation I get him stropping about how he can't do his job anymore because of my job. Helpful.

I have friends who have offered to do the odd evenings after 6pm. This is a one off me travelling away, because it is training. He wouldn't miss his meeting, but would get to London late at night and be tired. Boo hoo.

I want him to see how important this job is to me, to leave a soul destroying job and do something I'm passionate about. He really only cares about money and his interests.

Yeah there is. Sorry I wanted this just to be about the two parents being full time. And you've answered that, childcare is both our responsibility.

"He wouldn't miss his meeting, but would get to London late at night and be tired. Boo hoo. "

Why can't you get someone to babysit for a few hours until you come back so he can leave earlier?

There are some wider problems there then.

Good for you for trying something new. Your old job was affecting your health and wellbeing by the sounds of it and you've made a change. Sounds like he needs a "shape up sharpish" kind of chat! Or counselling to address these issues.

Ego, I do agree with you to some extent, and feel frustrated that it is so rarely men who compromise their work. Or challenge old school employers. But in my case even had we not had DC I doubt I would want or be able to get much further in terms of pay/seniority in my current occupation, for various (mainly not DC related) reasons. The difference with before and after DC is that it seems harder to change course and possibly have retraining costs and / or lower earnings for a while in another field when we have responsibility for DC and all the costs etc! I admire the OP for going for it. You never know: a lovely highly paid job that I could already get could be out there!