AIBU to think we should both be able to work full time and have to make compromises?

[leftyloosy]

I start a new job on Monday, full time. I was a teacher for 13 years, part time in the last few years (3 days). The job had worn me down and I needed to change, so I handed my notice in and found something new. It is office based, advisory role. It is an hour commute, and 35 hours a week. I will be 9-5pm mostly, with some travel away for training and some late working which is rotated.

Dh works from home as a consultant for a small company. His job involves some travelling, but it isn't regular. Some months there will be none, and then others once a week.

I haven't even started yet and he has started to get cranky about my new job and how it will affect him. He's been asked to go to London next week, but I am already booked to go on a training thing, so he can't because of childcare. He is angry as he feels he is being looked upon negatively at work for having to turn it down. He's been working there two years and says he never would have accepted the job if I'd been full time in my new job.

Is it really unreasonable of me to have accepted a job I really want, be a use it will mean he can't always take last minute jobs away and because it might ha e an impact on his work, instead of it just being my job to sort out childcare?

This is a genuine AIBU, I am cross with him, but wonder whether I was daft to accept this job.

DH is the higher earner and that is unlikely to change so I have made a lot more compromises work wise.

And by having to compromise more, he'll still stay the higher earner.

Exactly. He earns more than you because you have prioritised his career over yours for more than a decade. If you start prioritising YOUR career now, you will start catching up very quickly, and he's just going to have to buck up and accept that. He has had it absolutely MADE for the last 13 years - working from home in his PJ's, with no commute and no responsibilities, and he can't believe that his lovely little bubble has been burst.

It is NOT unreasonable of you to have taken a job that you want, that values your talents and (I assume) pays you properly. He is not more important than you and YABVVVU to give a 2nd thought to him NOT WANTING to leave the house later in the evening to go to what I strongly suspect is a drinks/social event of some kind. It's not a board meeting if it's that late in the evening, I assume.

I know a couple in this position (to a more extreme state) and she is completely and utterly shackled by her husband's steady belief that his career is more important than hers, and that the family and childcare is 100% her responsibility and it really pisses me off, so I'm projecting onto you a bit - sorry!

His meeting is the following day, but starts very early, so would need to travel the night before. We live 3 hrs from London.

There are a million solutions here, like him sucking up being a bit tired, finding a babysitter, calendar system, etc etc... but the bottom line is that he is being a selfish prick, sorry.

WELL DONE on your new job OP and I wish you the best of luck with it.

Well, if it was a genuinely, important, non-movable meeting that he 'had to' attend, he would suck it up and set off for travel late at night. DH has done that a number of times (not to cover childcare, but because he's had e.g. a meeting in Portsmouth finishing at 5 pm, then has to be in Durham for an 8 am meeting the next day, hence he spends 5 hours travelling that night, arriving in Durham at 11 pm). The fact he is saying petulantly that he can't go, suggests the meeting wasn't that important in the first place.

I ditto all the other comments that he's had it easy for too long, and he is now experiencing what 'normal' working parents have to juggle.

Of course YANBU. And it's utterly non-negotiable to go to training in your first few weeks in the job. He has an established job, and so - if anything - should be taking more hits if hits need to be had until you've bedded in and built up a good reputation with your new employers.

Has he explained why he thinks his job is more important than yours?

Has he explained why he thinks his job is more important than yours?

I'd broaden that rather, has he explained why his mild and occasional inconvenience is more important than your utter misery, OP?

For the sake of your relationship if nothing else get some cast iron childcare in place. We have a network of regular babysitters, agencies, etc on top of nursery to address clashing work schedules. No family help and we don't seek favours from friends as we can rarely reciprocate except at weekends.
Cost and burden of organising is equally shared.

Bickering about whose job is more important will just breed resentment and not enable either if you to commit to your jobs.

So he's been shielded from some of the consequences on work of becoming a parent and is now required to face it

This.

But, did you discuss the childcare before you took the job? Or did you (possibly quite reasonably) assume that DH would step up OP? I suppose what I'm driving at is whether the problem is really with you working more or could it be at least in part because DH didn't get any say in the matter at an early stage, or the opportunity to discuss a compromise?

Er I don't see the problem... You return that night and he goes to London in the morning. You are 3 hours away so if he meeting starts at 8am he can take the 5am train. He can easily sleep on the train. Alternatively he can take a late train to London after you get home and stay in a hotel. Finally you can hire a babysitter to look after the DC while your DH travels to London and you return home.

You need a joint calendar (we use google for travel as easy to attach tickets and hotel reservations) and list of babysitters who can help out (at least 6 or 7 people who you like).

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick but he is moaning because he willl have to travel to London in the evening for a meeting the next day? Rather than travel up ealier, have a leisurely meal etc

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick but he is moaning because he willl have to travel to London in the evening for a meeting the next day? Rather than travel up ealier, have a leisurely meal etc

No, you're right.

OP your husband doesn't sound very nice. Hopefully this is a temporary blip and he sorts his shit out.

He sounds like a sulky teenager. So he has to get the late train. Boo hoo. Peaceful train on his own. Drink, book, nap. Straight to bed when he gets there.

Jesus, at the moment I'd consider such a proposition a treat.

I think that there is a real issue of respect here. What he's saying is that you don't matter. Your role as mother matters. But you as a person do not - you just exist to facilitate everyone else. That stinks.

My dh is home based and often travels unpredictably. I very rarely need to do so. His need to travel is dictated by client need and so I either make sure he's booked that time out absolutely or I put in place an option which doesn't rely on him. Usually this is paid childcare but on a couple of occasions my mum has come to stay as like the OP we have no parents close. However in the situation the OP outlines I wouldn't need to do any of that because I know perfectly well he would accept either travelling very late or very early. He does that kind of thing all the time.

Dear me. Put your foot down. You are not the only person responsible for the running of the home and the children. You are your own woman, with the right to a career and he is simply showing disrespect for you in this regard.

I find it even more disturbing that he can actually get to his destination only later than planned!

Honestly he needs to have a word with himself. If he cancels he only has himself to blame.

Fight for your rights op.

You're right, slightlyglitter

YANBU at all! However, I work in a job where the vast majority of men in with children are shielded from the coalface of being a working parent because they have a SAH wife. Both me and my DH work, so I am often unable to stay late at short notice, as others do and are expected to do. I do think this has an impact on how people see me and makes them think I'm not committed. Fortunately I do well in my job and it hasn't been a real problem as far as I can tell. So your DH may well be correct that people will look down on him, judge him negatively etc. However, this is an unfortunate social problem that he will just have to face - and play his part in changing, just like other working parents do. It's not something that you should have to make sacrifices to shield him from.

Yanbu - it would really annoy me. My dh is pretty good at compromising with childcare but even so I have to do all the arranging etc.

Am interested in knowing more about yr post-teaching job (if you can say) am thinking of leavng too.

Your H would just be doing the equivalent of working late into the evening (at his second job: the DC!) before setting off on a business trip!

When I was single, I would do ridiculous turnaround times for business travel: once two trips over eight time zones, with less than 10 hours stopover in the UK to sleep and repack! Similarly, conferences would mean an early start, and I'd get home late three sheets to the windbefore a normal day's work the next day, or a continuation of the conference.

Gosh what sort of man is he? I have got up at 4.30am to get to work things. We have both left late in the night for work things. Yes it's not as much fun as leaving the children's bed time routine to someone else, sauntering off to a hotel, having room service and an early child free night but life isn't always easy. He just needs to put up with it. If he doesn't like it then you (I mean him of course) need to hire an evening babysitter for that evening. There are plenty of people wanting work around.

Thanks. I agree he's being knobbish about it.

How do people find babysitters? Is it websites/agencies?

In the past I've used friends (paid or done swaps), colleagues teenagers and neighbours teenagers. Friends have used workers at their children's nursery or after school club. On my local Facebook page their are always requests or offers for ad hoc childcare. Sitters.co.uk might be an option if its regular. Gumtree and childcare.co.uk have ads too. Ask your children's friends parents if possible. I got one name via a childminders who lives in my road.

I asked before about your news job. I'm wanting to leave teaching too!

Haven't rtft but YANBU - why does his job take priority?

I agree with this:

Add message | Report | Message poster Egosumquisum Fri 18-Sep-15 10:48:45
DH is the higher earner and that is unlikely to change so I have made a lot more compromises work wise

And by having to compromise more, he'll still stay the higher earner.

Whilst you don't get the kudos and the promotion.

I think if you have no family nearby you need to invest in proper childcare, not try and make some chewing-gum-and-string arrangement with breakfast/after school clubs and babysitters work (don't forget children aren't at school for 13 weeks a year). So a nanny, or a flexible childminder, or an au pair even. I sympathise: we have 3DC, both work full time, with occasional travel, and have never had a single second of childcare we didn't pay for.

But it's both of your responsibility to make it work, he doesn't get a free pass because he's the higher earner.