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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aib to feel irritated by this?

37 replies

FluffyKeyes · 17/09/2015 14:19

Long story short my best friend's behaviour was becoming pretty harsh. I put it down to struggles she was having in her personal life and tried to be there for her as much as I could.

There were a few incidents which upset me however, which now I believe were perhaps her being a bit jealous (?), as she would have childish strops if things didn't go her way. Things rose to a head when she used a story I had told her in confidence back at me to hurt me (not the first time).

Anyway I gave the friendship a bit of cooling off time after this and didn't instigate any messages etc. if she had messaged me I probably would have replied and fwiw there have been times in the past when she has (like everyone) not always replied and I have always called/messaged to see how she was, so i guess what I'm saying is that it takes two!

I got back in touch with her casually after a couple of months to discuss meeting up with a mutual friend of ours. We all get on very well and I feel this would make our friendship less intense and hopefully not make me her "target" when she is angry or upset; she only seems to behave this way when she's with me...

She responded and we started chatting but when we tried to pin a date down she basically said how she thought it would be weird and awkward to meet in a group as "we hadn't spoken for months".

This has floored me; while I completely get it, I don't want to be drawn into an argument and really feel irritated by her tone. It is like she is trying to pin the blame on me when as I mentioned it takes two... How should I respond?

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyKeyes · 17/09/2015 14:21

I won't put her message in full here but it was a bit huffy and snide, lots of unnecessary question marks eg "might be an idea to get together and talk??" this is not her usual texting style

OP posts:
RuffWearer · 17/09/2015 14:25

My immediate response is to ask why you are running after someone who has betrayed your trust and seems to see you as her personal whipping boy? You sound half-afraid of her and as though you want someone else present in order to prevent her behaving badly towards you.

My advice would be to text her back and deliberately just respond to the surface point by saying 'Oh ok, another time!'

Then don't contact her again. It's not usual to maintain friendships that are bad for you.

Original poster
FluffyKeyes · 17/09/2015 14:28

Ruff - some really good points, thank you.

I guess it is because we have had some really good times especially when we are in a three.

Yes that is good advice, I'm just concerned that I would have let the friendship slide that way iyswim?

OP posts:
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/09/2015 14:33

I can see why you would want to meet up in more of a group setting, but maybe she feels that as there has been some friction between you, a catch up with the two of you first would smooth things over / regain some sense of normalcy before bringing another person along? It might be a bit awkward for the uninvolved person.

I don't think saying 'we haven't spoken for months' is pinning the blame on you specifically, but then you haven't posted her full message (which is fair enough) so it's hard to analyse properly.

nilbyname · 17/09/2015 14:38

Did she know you were cooling off, did you say that her divulging the story hurt you? Did you deal with it?

I'm with your friend, you call me out of the blue and expect it to be fine. Nope. I hate things being brushed under the carpet like that.

RuffWearer · 17/09/2015 14:44

So let the friendship slide, Fluffy! It seems to be a dynamic that is basically her mistreating you and you going along with it because of the occasional periods when she's being ok (which may be a long time in the past now?) is there really something in the relatiinship as it is now for you, or is it just nostalgia?

I'm sounding cross because your resigned-sounding posts remind me of my mother, who goes along with incredibly one-sided 'friendship' dynamics simply because she and X 'go back a long way'. The result is that she's taken completely for granted, contacted only when things are going wrong, and completely dropped in favour of less accommodating fun people when she's not needed as a sympathetic ear...

It sounds to me as if she will dish out what she thinks you will take, because she never behaves as badly to other people.

Original poster
FluffyKeyes · 17/09/2015 14:45

Nilby and Tiffany - thanks for your comments too...

Yes I cried when she did it (was very very upset) and it took a while for her to apologise. We then had an event centred around her (big celebratory thing) a little while after (planned for a while) so I swallowed my pride and went along, made an effort yadda yadda

After this though I had a reality check and just thought why am I bothering?! This came after I had thanked her for the celebratory event and chit-chatted; she was quite cold in her replies and almost acted like I was the one in the wrong? I know from experience that there is no point reasoning with her when she is in one of these moods so I just cooled and felt better for it.

For context (v important) when she has been angry at me in the past for spurious reasons, her preferred method of showing it is to not reply to any of my messages. I was absolutely not doing this. But she then acts like nothing has happened after! So I think it's very rich of her know to turn things on me and blame me essentially

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyKeyes · 17/09/2015 14:47

Ruff yes you are right. The irony is I do have quite a few other friends who dont treat me like this. So I do now the "proper" way to be treated if that makes sense Smile and am not just settling

I guess that I feel for her because she is having a hard time with family stuff and things in her personal life. But equally she has treated me like shit and then every now and again will be really, really nice and I'll think oh gosh, perhaps it was worth it

Nilby and Tiffany's posts are making me think otherwise though, perhaps she does have a point?! I just dont want to be nasty, that's all

OP posts:
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/09/2015 14:54

Fluffy I'm going to retract my post now that you've elaborated - I really think you should be letting this friendship run its course. It sounds like you've made every effort to keep things friendly, being civil at the celebration and even messaging her afterwards. It's difficult when someone is having a hard time, but her problems shouldn't be used as an excuse to treat you badly.

I think you should reply and say 'okay, lets leave it for now' and then just arrange to get together with the other friend on your own. It might do her good to realise that you won't always pander to her demands or respond to her cold shoulder treatment.

Original poster
FluffyKeyes · 17/09/2015 14:59

Shit Ive replied... In an effort to not respond to cold shoulder treatment I was a bit overly nice I think and basically just ignored her tone

Said something like, "catch up sounds great, agree it has been a while! I will be in x city at this point so let me know if youre about"

Is that too much do you think?

Thank you Tiffany!! Feel like I should waited for your post now before I texted back, that was a good response

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 17/09/2015 15:01

If you were real friends you would not be having all this drama.
Like others say - Just accept it and move on.
I couldn't be bothered trying to rack my brains on how to handle all this if it were my 'friend' Life is too short.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/09/2015 15:08

Oh I still think that was a good message! You've remained the bigger person by ignoring her arsey tone. I get where Gottaget is coming from, but dumping a friend is so much easier said than done. Let us know what she comes back with.

Original poster
FluffyKeyes · 17/09/2015 15:16

Thanks again Tiffany... Perhaps it was a bit too nice but Ive had enough of pandering to her (as I would have before) and trying to make excuses for my apparently unreasonable behaviour... So before I probably would have said "yeah sorry it has been crazy" but I cant be bothered now

Gottaget, agreed yes but this is not a new friendship, it has been going for about ten years and we were very close so its slowly back the norm I guess. Thank you for your advice though

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyKeyes · 17/09/2015 15:17

slowly become the norm that should say

OP posts:
TiffanyAtBreakfast · 18/09/2015 09:40

Morning Fluffy, did she reply?

Try to just focus on your other friends who are much nicer and more normal!

Muckogy · 18/09/2015 10:55

i think your friend has just done you a massive favour.
she sounds horrible and if i were you, i'd be delighted to be seeing the back of her.

CrapBag · 18/09/2015 12:32

She's hard work and I wouldn't bother with her any more.

Has she replied.

OhForFoxAche · 18/09/2015 13:13

Hi all, no reply - she has seen it (curse social media haha) but nothing. Will keep you updated!

Quite funny, in the past I would have assumed she was hurt, texted asking what was wrong, she probably would have replied that she was busy thereby prolonging the cycle (ie that she was important and busy and my main role was to ask after her!) - glad I'm not doing that anymore Smile

OhForFoxAche · 18/09/2015 13:13

Sorry, different name but it is me!

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 18/09/2015 13:23

Yes OP! Stay strong! Smile

OhForFoxAche · 18/09/2015 19:58

Ok so we have a reply (for anyone still paying attention haha), i don't know how I feel Hmm

She has basically gone on about her own weekend plans and not asked at all about mine before saying due to a "spontaneous plan change" she'll be in my area this weekend if I want to do something

One half of me feels like it's an olive branch, the other half feels like it's typical her; all about her, insinuating that I should be flattered that she's making a gap for me in her busy busy life. Sounds petty but it just seems to sum up how things have been with her lately. I am just as "busy" and important HmmWink and resent this implication so much!!!

I do happen to be free then but was going to make other plans fwiw, what would other people say??

Ohfourfoxache · 18/09/2015 20:08

Does she actually bring anything positive to your life?

She has deliberately hurt you in the past and she's sending messages with huffy undertones. Sadly friendships change, people change - personally I'd chalk it up to experience and cut her loose.

OhForFoxAche · 18/09/2015 20:11

Excellent nickname ohfour Grin

You're right, I think because we are part of a friendship group that's why I'm keeping things going. And as I mentioned I want the old, fun her back! I'm fighting a losing battle aren't I!

Ohfourfoxache · 18/09/2015 23:55
Grin

It really does sound like you're fighting a losing battle tbh. I completely understand why you want to keep things going (I've been in a similar position myself - the ex friend in question was one of my bridesmaids Sad - also part of a "group" ) but sometimes you've just got to move on. If it's causing you stress you need to ask if it's worth it.

You never know, at some point in the future you may find yourselves drifting together again - perhaps you'd feel more comfortable deciding on a bit of distance as a temporary action and see how it goes?

Fatmomma99 · 19/09/2015 00:01

What did you decide to do?